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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU to feel a bit unsettled about xDP's new partner

56 replies

MadameJosephine · 26/05/2017 17:59

I'm not a step parent myself so wanted to get a view from 'the other side' so to speak.

DD's dad and I separated amicably almost 2 years ago. He's been with his new partner for most of that time and living together for about a year (not OW but they got together quite quickly)

Initially I knew nothing about her and because I thought he was living in his dad's spare room he never had DD overnight. Last September he introduced DD to his new partner and at Christmas she started staying overnight. Since then we've settled into a nice routine of his having her every Wednesday overnight and one night at the weekend which is arranged to fit around whatever plans each of us might have.

I've never met her but DD seemed to like her and I've always been of the opinion that the more people who love my daughter the better.

However, out of the blue last night I got a series of messages from ex telling me he'd just had a massive row with his partner and basically she wants DD to spend less time at theirs. He says he is happy to have her but his partner is not and that he only wants her every other weekend now because 'his income depends upon it' (he has history for being a bit of a cocklodger so I 've no doubt the house will be in her name)

I'm feeling a bit unsettled now because it seems like the novelty of having her partner's DD around is wearing off and I don't want my daughter to be somewhere where her presence is resented Sad

OP posts:
DawnOfTheMombie · 26/05/2017 18:02

Wow. She's a cunt. And he's even worse. He should be ditching the girlfriend asap if that's her attitude, did she think he'd just ride off into the sunset and forget about his DD? Obviously so.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 26/05/2017 18:02

Reply that as her df he need to be telling his gf that dd comes before her requests. . He fits gf into dd life not the other way round- the Muppet.

Or tell him she will be staying away from a volatile atmosphere. . .

NapQueen · 26/05/2017 18:05

Shame that he is prioritising his gf over his dd. Will EOW be for the full weekend at least?

DaffodilTime · 26/05/2017 18:10

Yes I would be worried as definitely wouldn't want her around someone who was arguing about her presence there. That is so hard as her relationship with her dad is presumably otherwise really good for her.
I would discuss with him and ask what he he feels the best solution Is and raise your concern about her coming whem she's unwelcome with his partner?

Original poster
MadameJosephine · 26/05/2017 18:11

I love mumsnet. You are voicing exactly how I am feeling. I was thinking maybe I was being a bit unreasonable but I'm not am I? I genuinely think that if I was him I'd be seriously reconsidering my relationship. She knew he had a daughter when she met him and to begin with she was great, baking and doing arts and crafts with her and really making the effort but it's obviously getting old now

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 26/05/2017 18:15

There's nothing you can do about it though. You can't force him to take her more.

What's the financial support situation like? CSA or private?

Original poster
MadameJosephine · 26/05/2017 18:19

We have a private arrangement, he pays more than the csa minimum and has never missed a payment. However the way he phrased the comment about his income was also a bit worrying

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameJosephine · 26/05/2017 18:26

You're right though I can't force him to have her but when I see him on Sunday I might have to say something about how disappointed I am in him. He's genuinely been a really good dad so far

OP posts:
Erinys · 26/05/2017 18:29

Any chance he's lying and using the GF as an excuse because he wants to change the arrangements for whatever reason?

ElspethFlashman · 26/05/2017 18:31

Does he have a job? Be prepared to have to go official. Sounds like she's turning the screws on him and he's letting her.

Original poster
MadameJosephine · 26/05/2017 18:33

I don't think so, we actually started with an very other weekend in mind and see how it goes and the 'extra' days have been at his instigation. This is what makes me sad, I know he wants to see her but he's going to let his partner dictate how much.

OP posts:
Original poster
MadameJosephine · 26/05/2017 18:35

He's self employed elspeth, I don't know the details but I suspect not all of his income goes through the books so I'm better off with things the way they are

OP posts:
Magda72 · 26/05/2017 18:42

If the EOW is for full weekends that may work out best in the long run. Has he stated whether he's reducing hours or just rearranging hours?

Original poster
MadameJosephine · 26/05/2017 18:46

The impression I got was that he wanted to reduce hours so 6 nights a month rather than 8 but I'll clarify it with him when I see him at the weekend

OP posts:
Magda72 · 26/05/2017 18:52

Speaking from experience EOW can be beneficial for everyone. However if he just wants to reduce hours at the request of his Dp then that's not on. Two nights a week is very manageable - assuming your ex doesn't work away then they have 5 evenings a week together as it is.

Original poster
MadameJosephine · 26/05/2017 19:07

That's exactly my thinking magda, they've got 5 nights a week together without DD!

OP posts:
Ditsy1980 · 26/05/2017 19:11

You need to clarify if EOW will be for 2 nights or if he's expecting that he'll just have her for one.

And, while it certainly seems like his partner is pulling his strings why the hell is he telling you they've had a row and she wants less contact with DD? It's probably true but why any details about his relationship? Is there any chance this is more his decision and he's using his DP and their arguments to look less like a shit dad?

Original poster
MadameJosephine · 26/05/2017 19:17

I genuinely don't think it's his idea and from what I can gather the series of messages were sent during the row so maybe he sent them to placate her in the heat of the argument and when I speak to him it'll be a different story. I don't mind getting to spend more time with DD, she's awesome Smile. It's more the idea of him letting his partner call the shots and of DD being in someone's home who doesn't want her there really

OP posts:
Slightlyperturbedowlagain · 26/05/2017 19:18

Speaking as a stepmother myself, i think it would be acceptable if it was for 2 nights eow instead of one night every weekend, as this provides opportunities for everyone to have decent family weekend time plus the chance of the odd weekend away. But I definitely don't think cutting to one night eow is ok, your daughter needs to see her dad more than 3 nights a fortnight, it's nowhere near enough.

MuffinMaiden · 26/05/2017 19:19

It's possible he's leaving her to do most of the work with your DD and it's just too much on the Wednesday (because of work?) so she's asked if he can make the time at the weekend instead? Or perhaps he's got a lucrative, off the books deal that requires his Wednesdays? It's such a vague comment of your ex to go off.

CrispPacket · 26/05/2017 19:22

Shock oooooo I'm internally raging. How dare She?! How bloody dare She!
My boyfriend has a 4yr old and I could never ever ever behave like that! I love her to pieces and the more time with her the better.

Veterinari · 26/05/2017 19:22

He needs to be mindful that your DD is likely to feel rejected if contact it reduced. He currently has her for 2 night then 5 free nights. I can understand that 1 night/weekend means they (and you) can't ever have a weekend off, so EOW might be better all round but only if the overall contact time remains the same

BonjourMeDarlin · 26/05/2017 19:26

I would get prepared for him to stop paying you. Get in touch with child maintenance services etc now, then it's all ready to go once he stops paying and it sounds like he might?

emilybrontescorset · 26/05/2017 19:33

This isn't good but you cant force him to have her.
Speak to him and ask what arrangements he proposes.

TheNaze73 · 26/05/2017 19:35

He should hang his head in shame.

Children first always. He needs to bin her off

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