AIBU to feel a bit unsettled about xDP's new partner

[MadameJosephine]

I'm not a step parent myself so wanted to get a view from 'the other side' so to speak.

DD's dad and I separated amicably almost 2 years ago. He's been with his new partner for most of that time and living together for about a year (not OW but they got together quite quickly)

Initially I knew nothing about her and because I thought he was living in his dad's spare room he never had DD overnight. Last September he introduced DD to his new partner and at Christmas she started staying overnight. Since then we've settled into a nice routine of his having her every Wednesday overnight and one night at the weekend which is arranged to fit around whatever plans each of us might have.

I've never met her but DD seemed to like her and I've always been of the opinion that the more people who love my daughter the better.

However, out of the blue last night I got a series of messages from ex telling me he'd just had a massive row with his partner and basically she wants DD to spend less time at theirs. He says he is happy to have her but his partner is not and that he only wants her every other weekend now because 'his income depends upon it' (he has history for being a bit of a cocklodger so I 've no doubt the house will be in her name)

I'm feeling a bit unsettled now because it seems like the novelty of having her partner's DD around is wearing off and I don't want my daughter to be somewhere where her presence is resented

I'm going to play a bit of devils advocate here and try to give the debate another side.

As a stepmum with no children of my own, I love my step kids to bits but can find it hard at times when they're there. It's well known on here that my DP is a Disney dad and when stepkids are here, sometimes I'm frustrated, it's fine because I appreciate the importance of our regular contact.

But one night every weekend is a lot if you're not the maternal type. And I think most parents would admit they love their kids to bits but can't stand other people's kids. Now consider that if you don't have that bond with the child and the unconditional love that goes with it.

For me, I'm normally battered after a hard week on a Friday and just want to crawl onto the sofa. She may feel the same. She might also not want to spend the Saturday when she has free time to not be able to see friends, go for dinner, walk around in her PJ's etc looking after her DP's child. I'm not saying she's selfish, but EOW would be a good compromise and she gets an occasional weekend to herself to have a break.

Ultimately, your ex shouldn't be pushing this problem onto you which is what he's done here. It's up to him to negotiate with his other half and then come to you with a suggestion that would suit everyone.

And please don't flame me for saying this. I know that if our stepkids wanted to live with us tomorrow then we would make it work. But being a stepmum is hard, it's a unique dynamic and if they are staying at her house it's even harder for her to smile and put her agenda to one side. I don't think that's unreasonable.

Neither of you get a full weekend with your DD. Neither of you get a full weekend child-free (which I know isn't absolutely essential but still nice to have sometimes) DD doesn't get to spend a full weekend with either parent.

Do you not think EOW would be better for everyone?

It has been working and the OP has said the weekend day was done around what other commitments they both had.

Sounds like they were co parenting well and amicably in the nest interests of their child. Now a spanner has been thrown in the works by an external factor - I would be miffed. If he had suggested it then different matter.

Dolly - I take your points about it being difficult if you do not have your own kids, but this set up has evolved in full knowledge and participation of the Exs DP - but hey ho she wants some time to herself and lets rock the boat to accommodate that - not fair. Sorry even more than normal - she knew and participated in the set up - his kid comes first.

The comment re the monies would also worry me - OP I think this is the start of a battle where contact reduces and monies become an issue.

Juicy under the arrangement he is proposing, it seems he still only plans to have their DD one night EOW He wants to cut the number of weekend nights from 4 to 2. Arsehole that he is. And some people really need to work out whether they are cut out for being a step mum before they try their hand at it then decide they'll be the ones to decide how it all works.

Really the truth is that OPs ex has to decide what he wants and stick to it. It's not up to his new gf, he might want to take her feelings into account, or he might not, but he totally absolutely can't blame her for it, it's his decision, not hers to dictate and he sounds like a wimp

And contact reducing means CM should increase. Although I can see that's unlikely if he's already paying over the minimum.

being a stepmum is hard, it's a unique dynamic and if they are staying at her house it's even harder for her to smile and put her agenda to one side. I don't think that's unreasonable

I wonder how hard it is for a child who has had no say about the additional adult(s) in her life? I wonder how it would feel to see your dad less than you already do because you are a barrier to someone going out to eat or kicking back after a hard week at work?

want to spend the Saturday when she has free time to not be able to see friends, go for dinner, walk around in her PJs

In what way does having a step child in the house stop you from going out with friends? Or going out to dinner? Or even walking around in PJs?

Could he have her eow for both nights and maybe pick her up from school one night in the week for bowling/Pizza Hut and drop her back home?

I'm concerned he's putting GF before his daughter, as you obviously are too Op.

Thanks so much for all the replies, glad to know that I'm not unreasonable in being concerned.

dollyparton I appreciate the view from the other side and I honestly do get how it would be difficult but surely you take that into account when you decide to get into a relationship with a man who has a 4 yo daughter? I'm not really happy to let my ex put somebody before my DD and I'm sure if the shoe was on the other foot he would have plenty to say about it.

A bit of an update, I had another text from him saying sorry for the previous messages and that he had been a bit taken by surprise as he'd never thought it was an issue for her before and she just blurted it all out during a silly argument. Reading between the lines I think he might have had a few drinks when he sent me those messages. He has DD overnight tonight and we are planning to talk it through tomorrow morning when he brings her back. He's a good dad and loves DD very much, I'm sure this was just a blip and we'll work it out.

I wonder if it's worth saying something like "ok, I assume nothing changing for now, hope you can do whatever you can to help GF resolve whatever her unhappiness about your relationship is. If things need to change with DD, you and I can sit down and work out what's best for our daughter".
EOW weekend is good because it allows DD a full weekend with each parent, so more quality time and she would not be transitioning between two houses every weekend.
He may have been expecting GF to do cooking, childcare etc or she may want a lie-in - whatever. It's up to him to sort that out with minimal impact on DD. Sounds like he might need reminded of that.
If you change anything, I'd suggest agreeing a review date like 6 months time or at the end of the school year or something. Then you all know that's when it will be looked at, not in the heat of the moment or as a knee-jerk reaction after an argument. Arrange to meet separately, don't do it at handover.

How old is DD? Sorry if I've missed that. Is she aware of any of this? If he has a good relationship with her and she still wants to go, I would remind him that's worth more than rubies and he shouldn't take it for granted.

Good luck. He sounds like he's going to need a bit of management if you want DD to maintain a good relationship with him. You are unlikely to be thanked for the effort and thought you are putting into it but it is a good thing you are doing. Don't exhaust yourself trying to make him into a dad he's not capable of being - just work away in the background to help DD to get as much out of it as she can.

Sorry, I see DD is 4, so still little. All the more reason for the adults to sort it out between themselves.

As for the "she must have been prepared for this if she got involved with a man with a 4 year old". I am a step-mum and a mum. In both scenarios, I was prepared for some aspects, not prepared for others. Some things turned out to be as I expected, some did not. Maybe it's something as simple as DD is waking up early in the morning and your ex is not getting up with her. Ex can sort this by getting up. Sorted. I'm just using that as an example.

I was a step-mum before I was a mum. I was not prepared for the level of conflict it would bring into my life which is not of my making. That's particular to our situation though. I was not prepared to put in so much effort and never be thanked and always be wrong.
I kind of think that I'm committed now and I will put as much effort in as I can to make it work. I am happy to do that. Your ex's gf is still at the stage where she can opt out and if this is not working for her, she should.

I genuinely don't think it's his idea and from what I can gather the series of messages were sent during the row so maybe he sent them to placate her in the heat of the argument and when I speak to him it'll be a different story.
I was going to say that this was the very likely situation and I can see from your update that indeed, that is exactly what happened.

Doesn't bare well for the future though if she is already expressing that your daughter is a burden that she would like to see less off and the pressure on him is such that he felt the need, even if under the influence of alcohol, to share it with you (which I expect if she knew would have resulted in another argument).

Dolly, you are being honest about your feelings and you are indeed untitled to them but can you see reading this thread the impact that such feelings has on all the people involved? For the child that has to accept to see less (or less often) their other parent, for the mum who is sadden that their child becomes 2nd best to their father, and for the further stuck in between trying to please everyone with the pressure that this comes with, knowing that they are unlikely to ever please everyone making them feel either a crap partner or crap parent?

Your ex's gf is still at the stage where she can opt out and if this is not working for her, she should

I totally agree with this. I guess nobody can ever know what it's really like to have a child in your home that is not your own but I feel that, as difficult as it would be after almost 2 years together, the child should come first and if she feels it's not for her she should walk away rather than erode DDs relationship with her dad.

Just read your penultimate post, but before I did I was going to suggest you text him saying something like "you were implying you were not going to see DD as much because GF no longer wants to see her so much, so I assumed you were drunk as I didn't think you'd suggest something like that".

When he comes round, just play to the crowd "Oh I know you wouldn't actually do that [cut down contact], you're too good a dad, you and DD have such a good relationship because she trusts you" blah blah blah.

I think any such mention will only add to the pressure and conflict he probably feels under currently. In the end, it's up to him what he does. Maybe his texts were blown out of proportion and everything will be fine and there is no point of mentioning it, or it will come to an head, but it's not up to OP to influence what he does/doesn't do in his relationship.

Hopefully though, he realised that texting OP was totally inappropriate in these circumstances.

swingofthings you are so right, I don't want to make me ex feel bad because he is a good dad and he probably feels he's stuck between a rock and a hard place but my priority has to be DD and I need to ensure she is his priority too.

and I need to ensure she is his priority too
Unfortunately this is not under you control. My ex was a good dad too before he met his new partner who was very possessive and made demands very early on, causing quite some tension. He had no choice but to make some compromises if he wanted to be with her and that was at the cost of him being as much a dedicated dad as he was before and unfortunately our relationship as separate parents too.

In the end, he is the one whose lost most out of it as his partner turned out to be great with the kids, but his relationship with them is quite superficial as they have accepted over the years that they never came first. They are now teenagers and it's the other way around, him begging them to go to see him every week-end and them not as keen. DD more so, but DS now only goes out of obligation.

I would have loved if he'd make them more of a priority in his life but he didn't. We all make choices as parents and have to live with them. Your ex is a great dad right now, but you can't do anything to ensure that will continue, just as he can't make sure that you will always be a fantastic mum either.

Your ex's gf is still at the stage where she can opt out and if this is not working for her, she should

She should opt out now if it's not working for her but in my opinion there isn't a "stage" where she can and can't opt out. People can opt out of relationships whenever they like.

What Swing says.
You have no control over what he does, now or in the future. And you trying to impose what you think is right on him and his Dp is only going to cause you stress. As already mentioned he only has dd two nights a week as it is - if this is already causing tension in his relationship then all you can do is keep things as routined as you can for your dd.

I'm wondering if this request is really coming from him (for financial reasons) and he's conveniently putting the blame on his girlfriend.

I have absolutely no sympathy for the view that you don't know what you're getting into when you become involved with a man with children. If you become involved with someone with children then you either accept that those children come first, and at the point where you start to become resentful of the time your partner spends with the children then you leave. Or if the parent is a decent parent, at the point when the new partner expresses their resentment of the time they spend with their children then they get rid. It really is that simple. There should be no pressure or obligation to placate a new partner over your children.

I do agree though that there is very little you can do from the other side, and I would point out to your ex that changing the arrangement at this point is potentially going to be detrimental to his relationship with his DD in the future as she grows up and realises that she comes second to his partner. I would also point out that if he and his new partner have children together then his existing DD will realise that that child comes first above her and it won't take to long, also I would question if the partner is likely to want even less access if she has children of her own, because IME this often happens as well.

Hopefully I don't think there's much chance of any children, they are both mid forties. I'd be devastated for DD if she became second best

So your dd is 4 and your ex and his partner both mid 40s.
I think this is relevant here.
I'm wondering when your ex decided to tell his new partner that he had a very young child. I'm guessing not on the first date and to be fair she would probably assume that if he did have kids gent would be much older and possibly adults.
I think this puts a different light on the situation and I can empathise with the new partner.
Speaking from experience all of my friends in their 40s who were faring have said how relieved they were that their new partners didn't have young children.
I know this doesn't help you.
I think your ex has discovered the harsh reality of being a single parent to a young child at a time were most people are aft that stage.
He should be putting his child first but unfortunately is thinking with another part of his anatomy rather than his brain.
It's his decision.
His loss when he chooses to ignore his brain.
Don't blame his gf HE is the parent not her.

But maybe you need to prepare yourself for it.

I have mixed feelings for SM who are finding hard and do sympathise with their saying that no, they didn't realise before what they were getting themselves into. However, if their decision is to stick with the relationship, it's with the acceptance that changes and compromises need to come mainly from them. If they do, time will make it better as they adjust to their new life, which most likely in not the idyllic one they had envisioned.

The problem is when they realise that they are not happy with the dynamics, but then expect everyone to adapt to suit their needs. That's just not fair, especially on the kids. That's when you should consider leaving the relationship because when children are involved, what it comes down to is not just how much you both love each other, but how much you are prepared to accept compromises because even with these, the good parts still make it worth it.

Well said swing