Does this court order sound fair to you?

[TickingTimeBomb2017]

DP has 50/50 residency of his DD.

DP changed his DDs school in January due to no longer being able to afford private school fees (an occupation order stripped him of his home). After changing his daughter's school to a very good state school the court ordered that he must collect his daughter from school every day (3.15pm) and deliver her to her mother at 5.30pm as her mother does not drive (the school is a 20min bus ride away from her). This was said to be a temporary order to be reassessed in a court hearing in April.

The court hearing was today and the judge has decided that nothing will change. So essentially, we have SD every single day and cannot ever plan a weekday together as a couple. (We have her every other weekend too).

I am 22 weeks pregnant and was looking forward to our final months together as a couple before having a newborn. This has been well and truly shat on.

DP doesn't seem to care; I feel as though I am just a vessel to him - that he's not actually interested in the relationship. I just don't know what to do. I have no power in this scenario.

[usernumbernine]

Good for her. she found a SHL and some balls and a backbone. Good woman herself.

[GattoColorCioccolatto]

Oh dear.

Did she leave him...Or flee for her life?

[TickingTimeBomb2017]

Did she leave him...Or flee for her life?

Hard for me to know anything for sure, as I didn't know him.

[GattoColorCioccolatto]

Hmm, do you think in light of the DV allegations from ex and truths from you, you could hazard a guess?

[usernumbernine]

You still don't know him, not really. And what he's showing you far is terrifying.

[TickingTimeBomb2017]

I feel desperately alone at the moment. Like a weak, helpless child myself.

[usernumbernine]

*so far

[swingofthings]

He doesn't support me! I have my own income
Fine, I take this back as indeed unfair to have made the assumption he was supporting you but stand by the rest. Why are you making such a big fuss because he isn't giving you attention 4 hours a day?

I am 22 weeks pregnant and was looking forward to our final months together as a couple before having a newborn. This has been well and truly shat on.
You are ONLY 22 weeks pregnant. You have plenty of time still just the two of you, once a week from 6pm to bedtime and every other week-end. Are you really having a tantrum because you think this is not enough and instead, your SD's mum should spend long hours to pick up her daughter because HER father decided that she should go to a school of his choice? All this so that YOU could have that extra time with your OH? Sorry but still can't see how this is them rather than you being unreasonable!

DP doesn't seem to care; I feel as though I am just a vessel to him - that he's not actually interested in the relationship. I just don't know what to do. I have no power in this scenario.
He does care, he is mature enough to appreciate that his choice of school means he needs to take some responsibility towards it. Not interested in the relationship because of this? Really? You are not powerless at all. You have control of your time and how you spend it. Make the best of it.

[Starlight2345]

I don't buy his leaving story..

I absolutely agree with the judge re 50/50 care... You cannot have 2 parents at war sharing care..It is not fair on the little girl.. No wonder she is presenting Sad.

I agree this man very much likes control..I would go before the baby is born. He has no rights over the baby before it is born.

[swingofthings]

I feel desperately alone at the moment. Like a weak, helpless child myself
Because you are acting like one. Get a grip. You are moaning over 4 hours spent a day with his child. What would happen if the mum decided to pack up and move with monkeys in the Amazon forest and your SD moved with your OH and you FT?

[Crispbutty]

Swing, read the thread. Unless you are the DP.....

[usernumbernine]

To be fair, would you and/or your DP not usually be at work in the afternoon anyway, if he wasn't picking up his DD?

[swingofthings]

I've read it very well. OP is saying that her OH is a good father but moans that he doesn't give her enough time because he loves his daughter so much. What triggered her frustration today is that the court order remains in place which means that she can't have her OH for her alone for a full one day (well besides every other week-end and holiday) and that's very unfair because he should be wanting to spend all his time with her now that she is 22 weeks pregnant.

So really do different to most men who decide to share their lives with a pwc, or most partner of men who work 12 hours day but somehow, OP is hard done by?

[TalkingofMichaelAngel0]

Look, op, he is clearly a wanker. Time to get your shit together and go before the baby arrives and you feel
Hormonal
And trapped.

[TickingTimeBomb2017]

When I signed up to this relationship, I signed up to 50/50.

[usernumbernine]

You haven't signed up to anything thank fuck. You aren't married. Run run run as fast as you fucking can and do not look back.

[GattoColorCioccolatto]

When people have kids, it's never 50/50. More like 110/110. In the best case scenarios.

This is not a best case scenario.

In this scenario:

1. Domestic violence
   
2. Distressed child (justifiably so from the sound of it)
   
3. Financial insufficiency
   
4. Legal squabbles
   
5. Controlling and manipulative behaviour
   

It's always going to be difficult to be the partner of, or have children with someone who already has kids. Never mind adding all those red flags in.

I think you've got to realise that this situation isn't going to magically turn into something it isn't. It is what it is.

And it sounds like making the best of it involves splitting up with him. You've seen how he treats his first family. He'll treat you like that too. If not worse, down to the added pressure.

[swingofthings]

Um, her OH who has a history of DV, shows controlling behaviours, and she is scared of him. Hmm. Are you deliberately ignoring those bits?
You mean the bits that came out after page 2 and mostly suggested by posters? I am still to read where OP confirms that her OH has a history of DV, I believe OP said she didn't know how as she didn't know him yet when they separated. I haven't read where she says she is scared of him either, pi**ed off yes, scared, no.

When I signed up to this relationship, I signed up to 50/50.
Well that was your error. When you get with someone who has a child, you never signed up to anything but the fact that your OH is a parent with parental responsibilities.

[usernumbernine]

Op says he has a history of DV allegations from ex and "truths" from herself. See below :

TickingTimeBomb2017 Wed 19-Apr-17 16:17:27
I am rarely one to advise this but I would opt to not put him on the birth certificate

Believe me, I've been considering this for months. We're not married.

Thing is about the not on birth certificate, he will just go to court and get it anyway.

I could pull out the stops. He has a large history of DV allegations from ex and I have a few (truths) I can bolster the case with. Sorry for the drip feed.

Use cb, tax credits, maintenance etc for after school care

Her mother claims all of that.

[purpleprincess24]

But my love, regardless of everything else that is going on, when you 'sign up' for a relationship with anyone with a child, 50/50 is completely irrelevant

If someone has a child, it is a lifelong commitment (or should be) and at any time that 50/50 split can change, sometimes quite significantly. What would you do if his ex did a runner or was taken ill and his DC was with you 100% of the time, would you not support them ?

I agree he sounds a manipulative arse but you are coming across as a bit selfish yourself. Don't be surprised if his DC senses that you don't want her there all the time.