Does this court order sound fair to you?

[TickingTimeBomb2017]

DP has 50/50 residency of his DD.

DP changed his DDs school in January due to no longer being able to afford private school fees (an occupation order stripped him of his home). After changing his daughter's school to a very good state school the court ordered that he must collect his daughter from school every day (3.15pm) and deliver her to her mother at 5.30pm as her mother does not drive (the school is a 20min bus ride away from her). This was said to be a temporary order to be reassessed in a court hearing in April.

The court hearing was today and the judge has decided that nothing will change. So essentially, we have SD every single day and cannot ever plan a weekday together as a couple. (We have her every other weekend too).

I am 22 weeks pregnant and was looking forward to our final months together as a couple before having a newborn. This has been well and truly shat on.

DP doesn't seem to care; I feel as though I am just a vessel to him - that he's not actually interested in the relationship. I just don't know what to do. I have no power in this scenario.

[Catrina1234]

Sorry I haven't read the whole thread but the OP seems to be getting a roasting. I just wanted to correct something I read on Page 1 or 2. Someone said that if the father's name isn't on the birth certificate he doesn't have Parental Responsibility PR) but that isn't strictly true. It is very easy for a man to get PR in the family court - it's just a matter of form filling.

[TalkingofMichaelAngel0]

Op whats happening now? Have you made any progres?

Im actually not suprised that his ex wont do pick ups Bibidy. He changed her school. He insisted on having her on mother's day, surely that was about waving his cock about, he pressured op onto having this baby, despite her not wanting another, he is controlling and abusive.

[ComputerUserNotTrained]

Hope you're at your mum's now op

[FeelTheNoise]

OP didn't you have a thread a while back? This is ringing a bell. If I'm right, posters were working very hard to convince you that your DP had been abusive towards his XP

[Bibidy]

I can't believe how harsh people are on this forum.

OP, I do think it's unfair that SD's mum is not picking her up from school on her allotted days, a 20 minute bus ride is not impossible, especially as your arrangement is 50/50 so it would presumably only be a couple of days a week.

That said, unfortunately your OH should have thought more of the practicalities when he was choosing another school for his daughter. As her mother doesn't drive and he does, it would have been far better all round to find a school within walking distance of mum, though I do understand the school he chose may be the better one. It doesn't seem like mum's going to start doing the pick up any time soon, so it seems he's a bit stuck here.

I understand your frustrations, but would also add that many people don't get home from work until around 6/7pm, so even after the school run you're still getting more time with your OH than many people do. Try and picture it as if he's at work instead and that may help.

xx

[PatriciaHolm]

Where are your other children, OP? You mention elsewhere having 5 and 6 year olds....

[Violetcharlotte]

Ticking reading this makes me really sad. This mans contact arrangements for his child are the least of your worries right now. You're pregnant and he's abusive. You need to seriously think about whether this is the life you want for yourself no your unborn child? If not, get out now while you can. It'll be easier to do it now then with a newborn in tow.

[Underthemoonlight]

I also agree with swing and Wannabe op has changed her posts to suit. Her main gripe was the lack of time she had with her dp, surely if someone is abusive or controlling you want to be around them as little as possible. The main focus was her dp attention to his dd and playing second fiddle. I also think Wannabe hit the nail on the head with regards to what actually happened to the ex and having to obtain her house again she had to go through the courts just to regain access to her home which suggests to me that there's more than meets what op is actually saying.

[needsahalo]

Really? As an ex with an ex who has had a number of partners who have all fallen for this shit, I can't help but just want to scream 'what the fuck is wrong with you?' So many women prepared to stand back and watch another woman and a child quite seriously abused and the best reasoning for accepting that is 'she gets all the tax credits' or 'I want some attention'.

I know this is how abuse works but really? When will it stop? When will women start to stand up for themselves and not accept this shit in their lives? Why do so many women feel more comfortable laughing their heads off at another woman's misery than dealing with the reality that yes, he really is that kind of man and you can't change it. Love won't change it. Loving him more than her won't change it.

OP - just get out. If you were in any doubt just think about what kind of shit just changes his child's school without any discussion with the mother. And then think how that will feel when it's you. Because the longer you stand there watching and doing nothing, the more you are saying 'it is OK for her so it's OK for me'.

[WannaBe]

OP is very much echoing what posters are saying to her. At the beginning of the thread she states that she's unhappy that they're not getting time together now that they're expected to have the daughter every day after school. It was only after posters started suggesting that he was controlling that the OP has started saying "oh yeah, I realise now/must leave him now/he's obviously been feeding me a line all this time." Whereas what it actually looks like is that the man and his wife split up (were you the OW OP?) and she left the family home or perhaps he threw her out, who knows. Then she gained an occupation order to be able to move back into the family home, and out of revenge he cancelled the private school fees and moved the daughter to a school of his choosing.

Meanwhile the OP had happily moved into the former marital home even though steps were ongoing for the ex to gain an occupational order, fell pregnant with his child, and now that things are not going her way she's stamping her feet and having a go at the ex.

I agree with swing

And as for

"When I signed up to this relationship, I signed up to 50/50." showing your true colours again there OP. There's no doubt that the father is a selfish arse. But the OP is no better and is no victim. When you get together with someone with children you don't sign up to what access is in place at the time, you get together with someone who is a parent on the understanding that they're a parent full-time, even if they don't always see the kids. Get used to it. I'm sure that if you get together with someone else you won't appreciate being told that he signed up to whatever access arrangement you put in place with this particular one....

[usernumbernine]

Clearly you have limited understanding of abusive relationships, swing. You should count yourself very lucky indeed to be in such a fortunate position.

[swingofthings]

Yep drip feeding indeed! Funny how there was no reference to any such issues in the original OP not even in the first two pages. Sorry if the issue really is related to DV but I don't believe it and think that's the real issue is jealousy of the attention given to the child. Why post to complain about your partner not giving you enough time when you are scared of them? Doesn't make sense.

[purpleprincess24]

But my love, regardless of everything else that is going on, when you 'sign up' for a relationship with anyone with a child, 50/50 is completely irrelevant

If someone has a child, it is a lifelong commitment (or should be) and at any time that 50/50 split can change, sometimes quite significantly. What would you do if his ex did a runner or was taken ill and his DC was with you 100% of the time, would you not support them ?

I agree he sounds a manipulative arse but you are coming across as a bit selfish yourself. Don't be surprised if his DC senses that you don't want her there all the time.

[usernumbernine]

Op says he has a history of DV allegations from ex and "truths" from herself. See below :

TickingTimeBomb2017 Wed 19-Apr-17 16:17:27
I am rarely one to advise this but I would opt to not put him on the birth certificate

Believe me, I've been considering this for months. We're not married.

Thing is about the not on birth certificate, he will just go to court and get it anyway.

I could pull out the stops. He has a large history of DV allegations from ex and I have a few (truths) I can bolster the case with. Sorry for the drip feed.

Use cb, tax credits, maintenance etc for after school care

Her mother claims all of that.

[swingofthings]

Um, her OH who has a history of DV, shows controlling behaviours, and she is scared of him. Hmm. Are you deliberately ignoring those bits?
You mean the bits that came out after page 2 and mostly suggested by posters? I am still to read where OP confirms that her OH has a history of DV, I believe OP said she didn't know how as she didn't know him yet when they separated. I haven't read where she says she is scared of him either, pi**ed off yes, scared, no.

When I signed up to this relationship, I signed up to 50/50.
Well that was your error. When you get with someone who has a child, you never signed up to anything but the fact that your OH is a parent with parental responsibilities.

[GattoColorCioccolatto]

When people have kids, it's never 50/50. More like 110/110. In the best case scenarios.

This is not a best case scenario.

In this scenario:

1. Domestic violence
   
2. Distressed child (justifiably so from the sound of it)
   
3. Financial insufficiency
   
4. Legal squabbles
   
5. Controlling and manipulative behaviour
   

It's always going to be difficult to be the partner of, or have children with someone who already has kids. Never mind adding all those red flags in.

I think you've got to realise that this situation isn't going to magically turn into something it isn't. It is what it is.

And it sounds like making the best of it involves splitting up with him. You've seen how he treats his first family. He'll treat you like that too. If not worse, down to the added pressure.

[usernumbernine]

You haven't signed up to anything thank fuck. You aren't married. Run run run as fast as you fucking can and do not look back.

[TickingTimeBomb2017]

When I signed up to this relationship, I signed up to 50/50.

[TalkingofMichaelAngel0]

Look, op, he is clearly a wanker. Time to get your shit together and go before the baby arrives and you feel
Hormonal
And trapped.

[swingofthings]

I've read it very well. OP is saying that her OH is a good father but moans that he doesn't give her enough time because he loves his daughter so much. What triggered her frustration today is that the court order remains in place which means that she can't have her OH for her alone for a full one day (well besides every other week-end and holiday) and that's very unfair because he should be wanting to spend all his time with her now that she is 22 weeks pregnant.

So really do different to most men who decide to share their lives with a pwc, or most partner of men who work 12 hours day but somehow, OP is hard done by?

[usernumbernine]

To be fair, would you and/or your DP not usually be at work in the afternoon anyway, if he wasn't picking up his DD?