WIBU? Who is responsible?

[NameChangeShamed]

Child lives with DM and stays with DF two nights a week; DM gets letter from school regarding non uniform day the following week, this day falls on one of DF's days but doesn't tell him. DF took DD to school and she was the only one in uniform.

Who is responsible? DM for not telling DF, or DF responsible for checking with school?

Because he would claim I never sent it. Or claim it didn't go through. And it became a stick to beat me with and it became send it and make sure you check with me that I've received it and he would refuse to confirm in a text or email that he had received the message or email and wouldn't read the messages on WhatsApp. I needed a record he had read / seen as if I asked him verbally he would deny the conversation at a later date.

And my anxiety was raised due to his behaviour over it.

My solicitor told me I had no obligation to send it and to turn it back to him for him to sort with the school and I did as my solicitor advised.

Not. My. Problem.

Our secondary school is really disorganised. They sent a text at 4:12pm on Thursday evening (after kids have left school) to say Friday is a dress down day and you need to pay £1. Dd ended up taking a copy of the message and putting it on one of her group chats as some of her friends' parents don't get the texts. I saw some children in uniform when dropping her off the next day so the text must not have reached everyone

Put it in reverse.

Child brings home a party invite on DF day. He doesn't tell DM. He'd be called selfish and point scoring.
Part of having a child is communicating whether you live in the same house or not.

Even if parents live together if the mum or dad reads the letter and doesn't inform the other would people still be saying they should both receive texts and/or check the calendar online?

Plus if the mum filled in school registration details they may automatically alert her. And not all schools send emails or text alerts.

Best solution is some kind of online calendar they share and both put in info as they receive it - as it's in the CHILDS best interests.

Kidding

I set up google shared calendar. My ex called me controlling and refused to engage with it or use it.

I'm with those saying it's the school you need to take this up with.
The ex wife sounds a little scatty and for whatever reason isn't going to change that. It becomes a power struggle of sorts and the child misses out.
The school have a legal obligation to keep you as a parent informed. It is not difficult to email a newsletter or information out and I am shocked that any eco aware school isn't trying to be as paperless as possible.
I would be making DH have an appt with the HT and requesting that he get all relevant info emailed out to him. If that doesn't happen I would be suggesting the school board of governors or similar. Also take it up with the parent group at the school- many of them are in charge of the FB pages and if your school doesn't have one then why don't you (DH) offer to help set it up?
The google calendar idea in a PP was good too but ultimately relying on the ex wife just isn't working... so stop trying and find the solution elsewhere.

DF should speak to school and ensure he is signed up for emails and text alerts if they do this, although I do know some schools say they can only have one contact per child as the system doesn't allow for anymore.

I think DM is in the wrong though because she already received the letter home so should have informed DF, a school is not going to print out another letter to be handed out to the other parent later in the week because surely communication happens between the two parents.
DF couldn't have known to check with the school because surely if you've not heard about an upcoming non uniform day then it's not something you think to check on just in case.

All these people saying it's not up to the mother to tell DF about school or dress down days etc....It takes seconds to send a text or make a quick call. It must be a night-mare co-parenting with some of you lot.

lemonaisse

I tried texting. I tried whatsapping and emailing and google calendar.

I did everything and my ex wouldn't co operate at all.

I then did as my solicitor advised And I have no more hassle.

Why wouldn't I do as my solicitor advised? That would be unwise.

University...Well obviously if you did all those things, I don't mean you. I mean the people saying "I'm not his PA" type things.

But that's what I said. I'm not his secretary. So clearly, you did mean me.

Some men use their inability to ge messages from school as a form of passive aggressive control.

And in those circumstances to engage with them merely further perpetuates their faux ineptitude and leads to further opportunities for the man to criticise the ex.

Best to disengage and let the school handle it.

Yeah because it's up to the school to sort out two warring co-parents, they've little else to be doing

Well, when one of the parents has done absolutely everything in their power and the other parent claims not to have access to any of those things up to the point at which he suggested I colour photocopy (for accuracy - he pulled me on a black and white photocopy) all letters and hand deliver them to him on the day the school sent them, what else do you expect me to do?

What are school suggesting? Your SD can't be the only child of divorced parents, they must have a protocol in place?

Having said that, our school only switched to parent pay and email 3 years ago. Before that it was letters in book bags and of course my child left them in her class drawer every time! We have a class rep now who WhatsApp everything that goes on, it's a godsend as I'd forget most things otherwise.

Lemonaisse- you're assuming that the NRP acts reasonably. My ex is a project manager on a 6 figure salary but is constantly "forgetting" stuff. I'm sick of being told that I'm withholding info then having to screenshot a phone conversation that me (or the kids) have had with him.
I'm scatty but have my ways to remember- written on kitchen calendar so the kids and I can see it as well as asking the kids to try and remember too. (They are 10+ years old not 5 years old like the OP)
When ex and I were together I did all kid related stuff and happy to remind him about child related events but I shouldn't have to babysit him any more. I don't withhold stuff but I treat him like any other organisation and mention it once then expect him to deal with the information.
I'm not saying that the dad in the OP is doing this by the way.

Does the class have a WhatsApp group for parents?
It's an absolute godsend for the terminally useless like me, dress up days, cakes, collections - all on there. Plus any local activities are linked by other better parents.
Could DH grab one of the parents and ask them if there is such a thing?

Only other thing is to ask her as soon as she reads the letter, to screenshot it and send it to him (aware that she may not)

I recognise that's it's difficult for school, but the fact that this has happened twice and is clearly upsetting DSD may make them reconsider saving another letter to go home on 'your' days?

I do think the DM is being unreasonable, like others say - if we flipped this and the child was missing out on her DM days would that be similarly ok?

It depends. If mum knew and made a point of not mentioning it ithink this is a shame for the dd. However she probably forgot or perhaps the exp is difficult and she is pissed off with sorting everything. Maybe she expected child to remember. Who knows? However men who expect this kind of so called wife work even when they are no longer livibg with their former partner piss me off. He needs to step up and find out what is happening. It isnt hard to get a school newsletter or sign ip to parent mail. He is probably expecting his ex to facilitate his parenting which she may well and rightly have had enough of doing.

In our school they insist they will only text one parent as there are costs involved in texting and school isn't responsible for how parents communicate so if that's the same with your school then all texts should be forwarded by DM imo. As DF I think you'll have to ask the school to send you the info but it's crap that the two of you can't sort this for the sake of the child. In the old days it would have been a note in the bag so whoever they were with that night would get the note.

Lemonaisse- you're assuming that the NRP acts reasonably

I'm not talking about people like yourself who are dealing with unreasonable arseholes - I just meant people who don't tell these things out of spite and to score points. I know how frustrating it is dealing with exes who don't pull their weight...I have an ex like that.

The school sounds bl**dy archaic and useless!!!! They do have a responsibility to inform both parents - can you imagine if its a really acrimonious situation...

I'm not sure what else you can try to get DM to be more communicative which would really be the ideal as she usually gets the letters. Can the DF ever get to the school office and ask for copies of the letter every week?

Random - the school is not as useless as the parents though...

Every school my DDs have been involved in have emailed letters out because it's cheap and quick. You all get them via email and it's a bit of a battle to get printed ones!

So why can't the parents have one email address they share for school admin? Because they prefer to fight, score points etc

This school won't email that's part of the problem. If they would ALL parents would get a copy!