WIBU? Who is responsible?

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Child lives with DM and stays with DF two nights a week; DM gets letter from school regarding non uniform day the following week, this day falls on one of DF's days but doesn't tell him. DF took DD to school and she was the only one in uniform.

Who is responsible? DM for not telling DF, or DF responsible for checking with school?

Do you know any of the other parents, is that a class rep, whats app group, email chain etc. Our school has a class rep whose job it is to send out reminders to parents who might forget?

Is there parentmail - both myself and OH are set up on it (although I think he just deletes them!)

but DM was forever forgetting to return it and it didn't last long. DF has requested that all letters are left in DD book bag until both have seen them but she takes them out as school apparently don't like them having things left in

The school has no rights to dictate what a student keeps in their bag. Ignore that nonsense. That's assuming it's even true, and the DM isn't lying about that to cover for herself.

The DM doesn't sound as though she has her child's best interest at heart. It sounds like the DF is at least trying to meet DM half way. Time for DM to step up.

Are you the DF's new partner OP?

We have friends who have children in the same school but not in DD's class but there are no other forms of communication Quartz2208 other than letters.

I am DF's wife (of 3 long stressful years I'm only half joking) I posted this without saying as I feel who posts can sometimes cloud the judgement of others and sway the comments one way or another. DH isn't aware that I've posted this; I just wanted to see it from the view of others on who's responsibility others think it may be.

They should grow up and take redponsibility. Use Whatsapp for messages st the end of each day, put all letters in one envelope on the child's bag (explain to the school). FFS there are a million ways to manage it. Poor kid, if they can't manage a dress up day, how are they going to behave when life just gets more complicated as she grows up

There was a whatsapp group with the 3 of us (I do school runs due to husbands job and most of drops off to DM's as we get on quite well so made sense I was involved in plans according to DM) but shes on pay as you go and couldn't keep up with data charges. She also has issues with phone so doesn't receive texts and is bloomin' useless at hearing her phone

Doesn't always*

Whoever said schools pay 4p per number - there are plenty of free programs where texts can be sent free of charge via the internet. I don't believe any school is paying for texts.

Well if you are doing the school run, start going through the child's bag before dropping her off.

This is a failure to communicate from the DM to the DF. And it's the child who misses out.

It's both parents responsibility to communicate. I'm sure the child was very embarrassed.

I also agree that the Mother should have said something.
If DSD brings home a letter we let her Mum know, and vice versa. We've asked about receiving two letters but doesn't always work!

The bookbag is usually empty as DM removes the letters when she receives them, therefore there was nothing in there for DH (he had an unexpected morning off so was able to take DD to school) to see unfortunately.

School have said they'll send 2 but this only ever lasts a few weeks and even then, DM just removes both so defeats the object unfortunately.

In this day and age there's really no excuse for schools not getting that

Loads of parents don't live together - where does this 'only one guardian is informed' leave looked after children? At yet another disadvantage?

There's numerous methods of communicating to all a child's guardians in plenty of time, keeping the school website/calendar properly up to date, using free messaging services, bulk email sending...

In this case it seems all the adults are to blame, dm for not letting df know, school for not letting df know, df for not being more assertive with school for communicating better.

Ask the school when you collect if there is anything you need for the next week. Do they have a Facebook page etc there must be some system of reminding people

They have Twitter that is never updated and website that is updated a few days after each event

DSD goes to tutoring sessions on the nights we collect from school so by the time she is collected, school staff are nowhere to be seen as it's an external tutoring company. She also attends breakfast club in a morning and the staff there have no idea. I find this step parenting harder than parenting my own DC.

So the info isn't going to come from the school to both parents. Mum needs to put her child first and tell dad everything she gets by letter. She's obviously scatty rather than vindictive, given that she forgot book day herself, but she needs to raise her game. Whatsapp costs bugger all, it goes over wifi if you are at home. She needs to get into the habit of photoing all letters from school into the Whatsapp group.

Whoever was informed of it should have told the other parent, so yes DM should definitely have told DF. I think her failure is such that she should be reported to SS for neglect and evident trauma experienced by DD as a result.

Honestly, does it matter. I was a single FT working mum with a demanding job and these are the kind of things I got wrong regularly. Add to this to PE kit, swimming kit, sending them with a lunchbox on Christmas week, costume day.... My kids did manage to survive the trauma, not only because they appreciated that I work hard to provide for them and therefore couldn't remember everything and mostly because it encouraged them to be self-reliant and take responsibility at an early age. They have grown to be much more so than their friends. By the time they were 11, they had to get up on their own, do their own breakfast, leave for school on time, make sure they had their keys etc... and not once did they arrive late, inappropriately dressed, lost their keys etc... in the last 3 years.

I look back and think that the experience of having to go in uniform have formed very well and of course, they were never the only ones with absent-minded parents anyway.

Could the dm take a photo of each letter as it comes home and whatsapp it to your dp? Then everyone would have the info.

DM doesn't have internet at home (or that's what she says) so anything internet based is not do-able, however as she also claims to have various issues with her phone, text messages and phone calls are bloody impossible too.

We've suggested when a letter comes to either house in DD's book bag, whoever receives it takes a picture and sends it to other person but last few times DM has either 'not received it' despite school telling DH it was placed in her hand by teacher, not had credit to send picture or message or she's forgotten by the time she's got home from school.

Swingofthings - sorry I have to disagree. I am a full time worker myself, with my own DC and my DSD to care for.. quite often alone due to my DH's work schedule. I am quite aware of how difficult it can be to juggle the endless requirements that school throw out, however handle it as well as can be by being organised (and never bloody sleeping for worrying about what I've forgotten). I'm by no means a perfect parent and I think I f*ck just as much as any other parent trying their hardest, but I won't excuse her for her poor organisation when she doesn't work so can't blame that, she gets a 3 days a week break (as she refers to it) she doesn't even do the bloody school runs and is quite difficult to co-operate with just because DD will be alright in the end.

She was devastated yesterday that she was in school wearing her uniform and 'all' her friends were wearing pretty dresses.. to a 5 year old that's a big thing.

"DM doesn't have internet at home (or that's what she says) " no - that's what your bf says she says - you've not even met her you don't know the woman!

Well, we all try to be the best parent we can be in our own ways. She doesn't have great organisation skills, but maybe her not letting these things get to her means that she gets a better night sleep with all the positive that comes with it.

Most school cater for parents forgetfulness and have some things that kids can wear instead of their uniform, or failing that, fantastic teachers that will know how to make the child feel that it is not worth feeling devastated over.

She's already admitted that she forgot, so what more can she do? Hopefully, as it did for my kids, your SD will let you know next time. Most teachers do remind the kids the day before, so it's making sure that she tells you or a dad as soon as she comes over, and hopefully, mum will remember too.

Graphista - have you actually read my others comments? It's my husband not my boyfriend and I have met the woman, hundreds of times.. often several times a week face to face and before issues with her phone, there were daily messages back and forth. We get on (most of the time although like any friendship/relationship - there are disputes) we take our children out together and have play dates etc. So no that's not what 'my bf' says, it's what she says. Next time perhaps read the full thread before jumping in

Swingofthings - thank you for giving another POV. This post wasn't to receive satisfaction from people stating she is in the wrong, it was more for my clarification to see the view of other people who are non biased.

She's going to have to get the internet at home, it's essential even for infant school children. You can't manage without it.

GeorgeTheHamster - apologies for being naive.. but why is it?

I have it so take it for granted so probably something I'm overlooking. If she needs to access it for any reason she visits the library I think.

She's his Ex, not his PA.

If the school are refusing to facilitate copies of letters etc, that's your starting point for resolution. Provide a supply of SAEs to ensure that letters are sent to your husband.