WIBU? Who is responsible?

[NameChangeShamed]

Child lives with DM and stays with DF two nights a week; DM gets letter from school regarding non uniform day the following week, this day falls on one of DF's days but doesn't tell him. DF took DD to school and she was the only one in uniform.

Who is responsible? DM for not telling DF, or DF responsible for checking with school?

I agree with pp that he may have been told.

My DD has regular hospital appointments which I would like exP to come to, every time I send him pictures of the letters and remind him the dates then about a week before I double check and I "never told him that" it infuriates me because he should do what I do and just put dates on calendar I dont need to remind him like Im his mother. Same with school he will call DS and ask what hes been up to and if he says it was blah blah day, exP pretends he knew nothing

If the letter only comes out with the child and no other info anywhere then its fair to expect the parent who gets it to either text the details or just take a quick photo ofbit and send to the other parent.

The OP was quite clear that she was the only one who got the letter.

DM gets letter from school regarding non uniform day the following week, this day falls on one of DF's days but doesn't tell him

So unless he is a mind reader, how is he supposed to get this information? Of course it would be her fault if the only method of communicating this is 1 letter going home with the child. Unless the child scans it with their personal scanner and emails it to the father of course.

DM should have given DF the information. DF should be more in touch with what is happening at school. So both are to blame.

In the meantime the child loses out.

DM & DF need to stop bickering and get their ducks in a row for the poor child.

If you are DM, well done, big clap, you scored a childish point. If you are DF, maybe check newsletters. But realistically, schools don't text about everything, NSU days can be last minute, and DM should have told DF if she knew. If they both just forgot, shit happens, that's life, move on.
I was the child in the middle of divorce. It was traumatising enough, thank God my parents weren't in to pathetic point scoring.

Act like adults. The important person in this is the child.

Both.
Most things like this are in the newsletter,so DF should read it and pencil in all events. He should also leave his details for the school so he can get parentmail/texts/emails. It's his responsibility as a parent.
DM should not have removed the letter from the school bag. It's also pretty mean not not let him know deliberately. If she forgot...she forgot.

Its unrealistic to expect perfection in an ex, especially when it involves somehow making a school tell him things (ours didn't tell my ex stuff even tho he asked).

Its not about apportioning blame, its about doing the best for the child, and if that involves remembering to pass on info, and double check the day before that he remembered, then that is what the DM needs to do, however irritating it is.
You don't want your child to grow up being let down regularly because you feel its not your job - you do everything to fill in for the parenting gap your ex creates by messing up. They can work out that their DF is a bit useless when they're adults.

It would be kind to the child and DF if the mother passed on the message.

Getting schools to double up communication can be difficult. Plus if the letter came home not on DFs day, how would it get to him?

How old is the DC? Most school aged kids would be aware of non uniform days and I know mine were hyper about it.
Not sure the Dad did anything wrong but in future I would make sure he got copies of everything from the school.
I'd put most of the 'blame' at the mothers door. Whatever she thinks of the Dad you do whats best for the kids. A text/e-mail/note would have been best.

Both of them. The only one who suffered here is the child, they need to get their act together sort out communication between them and the dad between the school and him and put their child first. Worrying about who's fault it Isis still point scoring

DF isn't psychic. DM should have passed the message on. Very cruel of her not to. Poor kid.

Currently very glad the DSDs mum is lovely and always reminds us if such days are coming up as DH never looks at the website and all newsletters come home in the book bag.
Unfortunately in situations like this the only one who looses out is the child.

If fm got the letter she should have passed the information on, petty and cruel using the child as a weapon to show do up

DD lives with DM, she can't 'live' in 2 places. She has a fully equipped bedroom at DF's but she doesn't live there. All of her medical medicals appointments, school info etc are sent to DM's because that's where she lives.

Our school will only text one parent/carer with reminders. Newsletters are all put on the website.

I would say that in this case both parents have been unreasonable. The offer of the child should be paramount

DM should keep DF informed in some way eg. Leaving letters in the bookbag. Parent B has a responsibility to check the school website on a weekly basis.

namechanged I think the DM is at fault albeit not necessarily intentionally.

And for those saying DF is crap for not having been put on the school text alerts - not all schools will allow 2 numbers. My SDC's schools will only allow 1 parent to be listed for contact on the text alert system. We have repeatedly asked as their DM is rubbish at keeping us in the loop and the school website doesn't seem to put the letters online anymore and the school just shrug and say tough, not their issue.

There's quite a lot of comments so I can't address each unfortunately.

In a nut shell - school only send text messages for school closures really, reminders for events are not sent. School have DF's information and do send texts however this is not beneficiary in this situation. Letters are sent in book bags of an evening, as far as I am aware DF has requested letters be emailed but school have said they are unable to do this and refuse to post. The website is not updated with letters as they are sent, quite often they're a week or so behind so when letters are sent home its pot luck who sees them, most are sent on a Friday though so DF rarely gets them.

School have this morning updated their system with 3 letters across the previous 3 weeks reminding parents of yesterday. DM has told DF she didn't receive them.. any of them.

DM and DF spoke this morning and discussed the 'issue' and it would seem DM forgot to tell DF. DM also forgot a few weeks back and took DD in school in uniform on Book Day.

DM and DF are amicable for DD sake however there have been a few issues on both sides which can result in situations like this. Points taken on how both can be in the wrong.

Depends on school set up. Texts are often used rarely and only sent to one number and a lot of things like dress up days are only put in notes sent home, but not mentioned on the school website. This is how our school works, so I would expect one parent to pass on info to the other when necessary.

They could have a google family calendar where they just put stuff relating to school events on. So if the letter/text comes home on mums day she updates the calendar regardless of whose day the event falls on and the same if dad gets the letter/text.

I'm surprised at the comments blaming dad tbh. In our school we just get a letter in their bags. That goes with the child, not directly with a parent. If mum happens to have child the day the letter goes out, i think its really spiteful of her to not pass the message on (unless she's genuinely forgot). The only person that really gets hurt is their child. Horrible parenting!!

So she wasnt being spiteful she just forgot.

It happens.

So DM has form for forgetting. Can the DF request she doesn't take any letters out of the book bag? That way he can check all the letters on handover. Or could he request to be sent a picture text of letters when they are seen by DM?

If the DM is a forgetful person, he's probably better off looking for a workable solution than be pissed that she's forgetful.

I came on to say the same as Minnie - how old is the child? Can't the child take some responsibility?

If too young, I think it was petty of the DM not to pass on the message. She is the main carer.

It's hard enough to keep up with all the school jazz when you are the main parent, let alone when you at the NRP. And I know of many situations where the schools only contact one parent on such things.

DD is 5 so not really at an age where she can be held responsible.

There was a small diary in DD's book bag that had dates for everything; from inset days and non uniform days to friends parties etc so that both DM and DF were aware of goings on.. whoever was told of something was responsible for updating the diary but DM was forever forgetting to return it and it didn't last long.

DF has requested that all letters are left in DD book bag until both have seen them but she takes them out as school apparently don't like them having things left in.