Moving to Ireland with kids to live with new partner

[Troubledmummy123]

Hi guys, really hoping I can get some advice here, been awake half the night hoping I'm making the right descion. Iv been currently seeing my amazing partner for 18 months, he is kind, honest, caring, hardworking and fantastic with my 3 children who are 3, 5 and 9, and like any children can sometimes be challenging, but he takes it all in his stride, (he hasn't got any children of his own) Only thing is he lives in Ireland. I am currently hoping to move over to live with him and my kids. He has a large family over there who are wonderful and have welcomed us so much, he has lots of nieces nephews and the children play together lovely. My partner is self employed and has built up a great business over the years. so it wouldn't really be an option for him to live here. I have fallen in love with where he lives and can definitely see myself living there, there are good schools and such lovely people. I am a nurse and am currently working full time days and nights trying to make ends meet, and sometimes feel like I never see the children there is work for me over there however I will not need to work until the kids have fully settled in and only part time then due to extra income from partner. BUT my ex partner see's the children twice a week currently, and will no way agree to me moving with the kids. So it will have to go through court.?He is a controlling person, and I have had to get The police involved on numerous occasions due to his abussive behaviour towards me, never the children though. He doesn't pay any maintenance, refuses to, even though he has a good wage. I am terrified about going to court and the influence he may have on the children as he has already said he will tell the children lies about me to turn them against me. And I know it's crazy and everyone has told me it won't happen, but what if he applied for custody and somehow got it, I will do anything for my kids and I'm honestly worried sick, Am I doing the right thing?

Is there a good reason that your boyfriend can't move here?

Hi Op,

I'm going to give my tuppence worth here.

I moved my DS out of the country (3 hour flight away) to live with my 'new' boyfriend of 9months. We are now married. So Happy, have lived in 3 different countries and he treats my son like his own

I thought my ex would have an issue with it but when I mentioned it to him to test the water he actually didn't put up any sort of a fight. He has never paid CM, very rarely saw DS (would go months without seeing him) and I think could actually see what an amazing experience it could be for him.
I used to do the flight home every 3wks, hire a car and drive DS to his dads for the weekend while I caught up with friends... it can work if you put the effort in. Tbh he saw his dad more when we lived abroad than now when we live a short trip up the M1 (he is back to being useless)

Anyway, I believe life is short and sometimes you do have to follow your heart. Your DC need a positive male influence in their lives and if you think your DP is the one to provide it I saw go for it

I like chocos post, I think it sums it up perfectly.
I think the OP posted that her DP couldn't move as it was an established business he had? I'm guessing if it's not just something that envious a home office, but supplier/workshop/employees then of course he can't just up and move it. And the OP wants to move to Ireland.

Choco - wow moved country to be with someone after 9 months? Did you consider your children at all? Maybe your ex is "useless" because you didn't give him a chance to be a dad and have held him in such low regard next to your current DP. Glad it worked out for you and your happy who cares if you or OP mess up your kids or ruin their relationship with their biological father. I hope you and OP if she moves don't end up with your kids resenting you for taking them away from their father because then you might just realise how lonely your life is and how selfish you have been.

IMO if you bring a life into this world you are completely responsible for it, no one asks to be born and putting your lust above the welfare of your children is not being responsible.

Hi MN wow that was a passionate post.
I'll just address a couple of things -
I gave my ex approx 10yrs to prove he wasn't useless, he failed on that. His relationship with our son was, and still is, poor. If you read my post you'll note that I said he actually saw him more when we lived out of the country because I made the effort to fly him back and drop him at his doorstep.
I also spoke to him before my son and I left the country to get his 'blessing' and as I said in my original post he didn't put up a fight at all.
You may be lucky and have a partner that will move the earth for his biological children, I did not. Sometimes (rarely but yes it does happen) some biological fathers are. Actually Useless.
My DS has not seen his father since August apart from 6hours on Boxing Day and we live just an hour away now.

Every situation is different and I was just giving my perspective on a very sensitive matter but I am happy to stand by it and I would make the same decision again and again as my son has had the most amazing experiences travelling the world, learning new languages and cultures and forming a healthy, loving relationship with my DH. He is a very happy boy

I think Choco situation is different from the OPs.

OPs DC see dad and extended family twice a week where as Chocos children didn't see dad so there really was no relationship lost due to the move.

Just to update court have ruled father not to have contact with the kids until he can stop being abusive to me in front of children, due to another episode. So now it's now me being cruel taking children away from their poor father, he has done this himself. I have bent over backwards for this man to have a good relationship with his children, could have stopped contact a long time ago but I didn't. Gave him many chances. But I know that people will still side to him as you have never lived through what we have had to live through and you really have no idea

Sorry to hear your update

It's not a case of siding with him, it is a case of putting your children first, I'm sorry if you can't see that that's where most posters are coming from

That's very convenient timing for you. Congratulations. Quick pack your bags.

Troubledmummy
Best of luck X

No contact with the children because he was abusive to you? You went to court since you last posted and that was the outcome? Really?

I think you are so determined to follow your dream that you will stop at nothing to justify to yourself that you are doing the right thing. Maybe it will work, or maybe it will backfire badly, could go either way.

By the way, I agree that your situation Choco was different because indeed, your son didn't have that much contact with his dad to start with and of course, paying to travel with one child is much cheaper than regular travel with three, not that it sounds like that's what OP is wanting to do, it's clear she wants her new partner, the one who expect HER to move to him, to become the perfect father to her children.

And no, I am not defending in any way, I am defending your children's right to be able to have a loving and constant relationship with their father.

It was an emergency court order was put into place due to the domestic violence he broke it and Has been arrested, you really have no idea.

So it's an interim order suspending contact until what - a further hearing? It doesn't sound like a decision by a court to permanently stop direct contact between your ex and the dcs.

I'm not judging you or telling you not to do this, I'm just saying that you are setting yourself up for a long and expensive court battle and potentially being ordered back to the UK. Get proper legal advice before you do this. People are afraid of legal bills spiralling out of control if they consult a solicitor, but you can ask for a single session of one hour or whatever - it may seem pricy for one hour, but it will potentially save you tens of thousands.

Thanks for the advice I have a solicitor this is who applied for the court order I'm not moving until next year and would always have everything put in place legally

troubled I really don't get the majority of the posters on your thread. It has been clear from the beginning that you having to send your children with food for each visit, and your ex not even spending time with them that he was not some amazing Disney.
You have always sounded like you thought the move through with work/schooling fnianacing.
I know you were planning on moving next year, but if things fall into place sooner than that move whenever is best for your family. Good luck in your new life, for you and your children it does sound lovely and the best thing for you.

The police involved on numerous occasions due to his abussive behaviour towards me, never the children though
So never showed abusive behaviour towards the children, you have been happy to allow him to see them twice a week, but suddenly, there's an order so he can have no access at all?

Why did he go abusive? Because you mentioned your intention to take them away from him?

You are right, I (and other posters) have no idea of the situation, we can only go by what you write, but it does sound like you've already made up your mind that nothing should stop you follow your dream, and if you can do so with justification that it is best for your kids because their father is unfit to be so and your partner would be such a better replacement, then it sounds like the best way forward in your eyes.

from what you say about the area you are living in now, your working hours, and the father of the children I think you should definitely move to Ireland. Ignore all the posters claiming you are doing it to suit yourself, they have no idea what you are after being through and why not prioritise yours and your children's happiness? You're not moving across the world you are only moving to Ireland and as long as the father can still have access to the children then what is the problem. It sounds like you have a great network over in Galway already. I really hope you make this move, Once you can show it's a better quality of life for your children I don't see a problem. Best of luck x

Actually it is wrong to assume that none of us have been in OP's shoes. I have, in a very similar situation and I would lie if I said I didn't consider moving, I did as I explained, but circumstances were such that I did.

It's looking back and with retrospective that I can see that moving would not have been best for my kids, that even though at the time I thought that them not seeing their dad regularly or even stopping all together would not affect them at all because at the time, they were not very close, he was showing little interest in them, but as it is, they started to need him a lot more as they got older.

I also assumed at the time that organising visits would be easy. There again I can now see how wrong I was to believe this being the case. It would have been absolutely exhausting for them to have to go through the rush and and stress of flying back to the UK, that with the car journey before and after, even once a month and holidays, how it would have got in the way of their activities, how it would have impacted on their homework etc...

I'm not saying that OP should definitely stay, but what I tried to say is that she might found that her intentions and the reality might have turned to be very different. However, OP clearly didn't want to hear anyone putting a downer on the excitement of her plans.

I do wonder what happened. Did she go, did her ex made it difficult for her, did her partner turned out to be the same prince charming living with that when they were just visiting. Either way, I hope her children are truly happy and contented.

The only way you could get away with doing this is to move without him knowing. Otherwise he will get a Prohibited Steps Order. And despite your concerns about his parenting, all the courts will see is that you've happily let him have them twice a week. So you'd have no leg to stand on. Only other option is to stop him seeing them like now. Then when he goes for a PSO you can argue it.