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Step-parenting

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Moving to Ireland with kids to live with new partner

169 replies

Troubledmummy123 · 17/01/2017 08:29

Hi guys, really hoping I can get some advice here, been awake half the night hoping I'm making the right descion. Iv been currently seeing my amazing partner for 18 months, he is kind, honest, caring, hardworking and fantastic with my 3 children who are 3, 5 and 9, and like any children can sometimes be challenging, but he takes it all in his stride, (he hasn't got any children of his own) Only thing is he lives in Ireland. I am currently hoping to move over to live with him and my kids. He has a large family over there who are wonderful and have welcomed us so much, he has lots of nieces nephews and the children play together lovely. My partner is self employed and has built up a great business over the years. so it wouldn't really be an option for him to live here. I have fallen in love with where he lives and can definitely see myself living there, there are good schools and such lovely people. I am a nurse and am currently working full time days and nights trying to make ends meet, and sometimes feel like I never see the children there is work for me over there however I will not need to work until the kids have fully settled in and only part time then due to extra income from partner. BUT my ex partner see's the children twice a week currently, and will no way agree to me moving with the kids. So it will have to go through court.?He is a controlling person, and I have had to get The police involved on numerous occasions due to his abussive behaviour towards me, never the children though. He doesn't pay any maintenance, refuses to, even though he has a good wage. I am terrified about going to court and the influence he may have on the children as he has already said he will tell the children lies about me to turn them against me. And I know it's crazy and everyone has told me it won't happen, but what if he applied for custody and somehow got it, I will do anything for my kids and I'm honestly worried sick, Am I doing the right thing?

OP posts:
RacoonBandit · 17/01/2017 16:50

Christ User go find another bone to chew on you are derailing the bloody thread with your geography lesson Hmm

MuchasSmoochas · 17/01/2017 17:22

Sorry OP ! I've put my compass away 🤓

SnipSnipMrBurgess · 17/01/2017 17:42

I think you might have a very romantic picture of living in Galway with your kids running free and happy with your proud man at your side.

However the reality is shitty weather, school runs to an unfamiliar place with an unfamiliar curriculum, coupled with the frustration that many nurses feel working with the HSE ,general family life that often weighs you down and puts a strain on a relationship.

I wouldn't be prepared to uproot my children based on such a short relationship

Patriciathestripper1 · 17/01/2017 17:43

Your sorry from me to op. Good luck with everything hope it works out for you Flowers

Patriciathestripper1 · 17/01/2017 17:44

That should have said yes sorry from me! Blooming auto thingy

Graceymac · 17/01/2017 17:49

I am living the life you describe Snipsnip as an English person working as a nurse in the HSE. I much prefer it to the life I lived on London. Ok the weather is crap but i in live in a beautiful, safe part of the world where people are friendly, there is a great sense of community and my kids are happy.

SILfoundmyusername · 17/01/2017 19:15

I still think go for it, none of this move and live separately, move and work 90 hours a week so your financially independent.
He sounds great, and is happy to support you to get your children and you settled in before you work. I'm guessing marriage would be on the cards in the future and you will be like any other married couple that shares finances, you don't need to earn s much as him if he has a successful business.
Work for his business, work full time as a nurse, do one bank shift a week, or have another baby and be a SAHM to 4 kids for a while. Do whatever makes you happy. Good luck.

dinosaurkisses · 17/01/2017 19:16

I'd maybe hang fire for another year or so OP- you may have been together 18 months, but how much of that is "real" time- where you get a good idea of living together, what your household would run like, how you each deal with stressful or upsetting situations, and how much of it was holiday time where you were caught up in the buzz of seeing each other?

I moved from the UK to Dublin last year to be with my now husband- I come from Northern Ireland and don't have kids so it was no where near the culture shock you'd experience, but it was still a massive shift from what I'm used to.

Having to hold off on doctors appointments because I couldn't afford the fee so close to pay day. Travelling back up north to go to the dentist because the ones down here are so expensive. Applying for a PPS number (their version of a national insurance number) which took six weeks, being emergency taxed in my new job while it was sorted. Not being able to even get a phone contract because I didn't have any credit south of the border. there is a fee for everything (your bank account, your debit card, your kids text books at school, even the jotters have to be paid for)- have you thought about all this?

You'll most likely be financially reliant on your partner while you get settled and get set up with a bank account, a job, a new phone and transport.

I don't regret moving for a second, but it would be foolish for anyone to say "Go for it!" Thinking that you're just nipping across the Irish Sea. This is a different country and even for another Irish person (although from NÍ) it's a huuuuge change

Lelloteddy · 17/01/2017 21:21

Your Ex will be able to apply for something called a Prohibited Steps a Order which potentially could stop you from taking the children out of England/Wales.
Courts are not generally in the habit of trying to stop people from rebuilding their lives post divorce so your best chance is to ensure that you have schooling, finances and support systems all planned and in place if he does take you to court.

What will you need to do qualification wise to ensure you can use your UK qualifications in Southern Ireland?

TheCraicDealer · 17/01/2017 22:52

Hey sis! Grin

Dollyparton3 · 18/01/2017 20:40

I'm a bit confused. The prime audience on this part of the site is predominantly step mums who support amazing dads who are separated from their kids. And we pretty much do that tirelessly, normally to our detriment and we do it because we love and support those dads who would walk over hot coals to support the children that they can't spend as much time as they'd love to.

So why is this being posted on here where the majority of replies will be in defence of the Dad? Not the mum who wants to jump countries and remove the children from any contact with the father? Surely this would be better placed on the relationships or a suitable parenting forum?

Troubledmummy123 · 18/01/2017 22:04

I do not want to remove contact at all, I just want a better life for me and my children. This is my first post on here so yes probably was in the wrong section. But it has made my re think everything and honestly I feel I'm drowning, so please don't post anything about my being a bad mother, I just wanted advice.

OP posts:
Lelloteddy · 18/01/2017 22:14

Trouble mummy if you C&P your post and repost it in Lone Parents (also under the 'parenting' subsection) you'll get support and advice from other parents in similar circumstances Smile

SILfoundmyusername · 18/01/2017 23:57

Troubled, if you only feel like you're drowning st the thought of staying and not moving, then you know where your heart lies.
If it's all the logistics brought up, then your partner/family and posting threads on MN to ask for moving countries advice will all help.

You sound sensible and not rushing anything and sorting out the practicalities. I still think your son saying are you going to marry him and him being happy about it shows how good this will be for your children and what your children think of a move.

swingofthings · 19/01/2017 06:19

It's not surprising that you feel overwhelmed. Who wouldn't want to pack up and go and live a life that looks so inviting with the man you've fallen in love. Something you would have probably done a year ago if it wasn't for your children.

What you need to focus on is firstly whether you can actually do it, and then how you can do it in a way that doesn't destroy the relationship between your children and their father.

I have been there, both as the child and the parent. As a child as I almost lost out on a relationship with my father when my mother decided to move abroad. At the time, things were bad between them (just separated) and my mum probably believed my dad was useless and I wouldn't miss being away from him. Thankfully, my dad adored me and nothing would have stopped him, so he got on a plan and went to get me back (in the 70s!). My mum realised then that she had to go back and make it work. I grew up with the difficulty of being the child of divorced parents, but I saw my dad every other week-end, and he became as important in my life as my mum. As an adult, my dad is a big part of my life still and I can't imagine it any other way.

As a parent, I found myself in exactly the same situation than you, except it wasn't a partner that was calling me abroad but a much better life with support. I had two kids and had worked it out that it would have been possible to arrange for them to come and see their dad every other week. However, looking back, I was at the time very much blinded on how I could make it work, forgetting how tedious and difficult doing so would have been. In the end, I didn't move but my life did change for the best. My kids are now teenagers and see their dad and his family every week-end and it means a lot to them.

Your first step really is to seek legal advice because my experience doing quite some research about it at the time is that the courts are not favourable to the parent wanting to move at all. They consider it from the perspective that the decision is not one to suit the parent wanting to go but that that parent really has no option and that it is still better for the children to be with that parent.

They will most likely consider whether indeed your OH is in no way able to move his business to the UK. They will assess whether your relationship is solid enough and whether he really will be prepared to support you in Ireland. They will consider how well planned your move is and then of course, this will be outweigh with the case your ex puts forward, ie. will he ask for residence of the children and what life and stability will he be able to offer.

What will go against you is the fact that your relationship is not well established at all, yet you are strongly relying on him to support you and your children. What if after a couple of weeks there, you realise you can't live together and he throws you out? It will then also depends how strong a defense your ex puts up.

If you really want to make it work, my advice would be to look at moving there on your own rather than straight with him. Try to find a job there before you make the move. Show that you can be independent as you are now rather than relying on someone else. That would most likely help your case. Then show that you have really worked out a realistic schedule to allow your kids regular visitation with their dad. You'll need to look at times and costs, ie. if you are a nurse, will you be able to ensure you have time off on the week-ends so you can fly them back regularly? Will you work out a budget to show you can afford it? If you are reliant on him, how will you ensure you will always get the money to take your children back? Would it be fair if your relationship went sour, your partner stops getting your money, and you can't afford the flights any longer that your kids are then deny their right to see their father?

These are all the things you need to start thinking about if you really want to make it work. I do think it is possible but I think it won't be as fairly tale as you are, understandably, currently seeing it.

RacoonBandit · 19/01/2017 07:43

I still think your son saying are you going to marry him and him being happy about it shows how good this will be for your children and what your children think of the move

You cannot base such a life changing decision on a 9 year olds take on it Shock

LonelyImSoLonely · 19/01/2017 10:57

No ulu can't base a decision on a child's take, but a child showing he is happy and excited when he knows it will mean seeing less of his father says a lot about how they feel about the lack of fathers interaction now and being dumped to the grandmother. Who may be the worlds best grandmother to the children, but the children will still feel that abandonment by dad. And I'm guessing not worlds greatest grandmother if the OP has to send her children with food.

LonelyImSoLonely · 19/01/2017 10:58

OP, start keeping a log of every missed visiting session, every time you have to send food and where/who the children actually see/spend their time with when on the fathers visiting time.

RacoonBandit · 19/01/2017 11:05

Lonely it shows nothing of the sort.

This child is 9 and he is probably doing what most children do and not seeing the bigger picture. They barely know this man and will not have connected the dots as to what marriage could mean.
What the hell kind of parent would put that pressure on a child or use a child's reaction with limited understanding of the consequences as a green light to moving countries Hmm

VinoEsmeralda · 19/01/2017 11:16

Its tricky because of the children involved. How do they feel about moving? Keep your house here- rent it out so you have a safety net.

I moved countries 18 years ago after falling head over heels and have never regretted it ( only jokingly when the weather is dire here!). You can have years of weekend romance but you'll never know if its true love till you live together.....

swingofthings · 19/01/2017 12:21

I agree with Racoon it shows nothing of that sort. He is probably excited because he shares his mum's excitement. He probably also believe that it will not impact so much on how often he will see his dad let alone that not seeing him so much might mean he will miss him even though he doesn't now.

My DS was all excited when we moved with my now husband 1/2 away and looked forward to starting at a new school making new friends after the long summer holiday. 2 weeks after starting school he was sobbing telling me how much he missed his friends and old house. Of course he has adjusted but that period was much more difficult than I had anticipated let alone him at 8yo and that was with no change at all to contact with his dad.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 19/01/2017 15:09

OP, i don't think you're a bad mother.
I think you're being extremely selfish and fooling yourself that you're doing it for a better life/the kids.
It sounds like you're still in the honeymoon phase & are getting caught up in fantasy

It's understandable that you want to be with him and that he gets on with your kids.....but up til now and for another year it's more of a holiday romance than a relationship.
Seeing each other once a week - usually at YOUR house - means you still don't experience the reality of what day to day life together would be like.

As he has no dc himself, it would make more sense for HIM to move here but let me guess - his job/life/family is too important to make that change?
Your ex doesn't have the option to follow you around and your dc won't have the option to pop round to see their dad/family whenever they want.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 19/01/2017 15:17

a child showing he is happy and excited when he knows it will mean seeing less of his father

Or......he is happy seeing his mother happy and smiling? Therefore feels getting married would keep her happy forever?
He'd probably say that even if it had been the milkman making his mum happy!

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 19/01/2017 15:29

OP, you want to do this for yourself and are using the dc as an excuse and justification.
I don't think you're thinking clearly at all.

The kids are the ones who have the most to lose.
Your dc have their own extended family & friends here....but it's ok, they're all replaceable right?
And so what if your kids don't want to be taken from the life/security they know - they'll 'get over it' cos the replacements are so much better?
No free healthcare - no problem. You can guarantee your kids will never need to use those services right?

Wanting to get it done before they 'settle' into school is just another convenient excuse for your argument & manipulates your dc free will
You actually think they will be better off surrounded by strangers in a strange land instead of their own father and family?

I want my children to have a relationship with there father, to figure out for themselves who he is, as I do not want them to resent me

Having regular physical contact is the best way to do that.
Exactly how will they learn who he 'really is' if their contact is reduced?
They will just see the disney dad side and will be more vulnerable to manipulation.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 19/01/2017 15:40

I am trying to make life better for me and the kids

By making yourself financially dependent on someone else?
By leaving all your support network and relying on strangers - who will always side with their son no matter what happens?

I will not need to work until the kids have fully settled in and only part time then due to extra income from partner

You're not moving for work reasons or better schools etc,therefore you are NOT doing this for your kids wellbeing.

This is ALL about what you want.

You're planning on being financially dependent on him! Shock Hmm
Yet you go on to say I am not reliant an my partner or any man!! Hmm

You're going from a position of strength and power to a weaker,co-dependent one.
So this isn't in your best interest either really

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