Moving to Ireland with kids to live with new partner

[Troubledmummy123]

Hi guys, really hoping I can get some advice here, been awake half the night hoping I'm making the right descion. Iv been currently seeing my amazing partner for 18 months, he is kind, honest, caring, hardworking and fantastic with my 3 children who are 3, 5 and 9, and like any children can sometimes be challenging, but he takes it all in his stride, (he hasn't got any children of his own) Only thing is he lives in Ireland. I am currently hoping to move over to live with him and my kids. He has a large family over there who are wonderful and have welcomed us so much, he has lots of nieces nephews and the children play together lovely. My partner is self employed and has built up a great business over the years. so it wouldn't really be an option for him to live here. I have fallen in love with where he lives and can definitely see myself living there, there are good schools and such lovely people. I am a nurse and am currently working full time days and nights trying to make ends meet, and sometimes feel like I never see the children there is work for me over there however I will not need to work until the kids have fully settled in and only part time then due to extra income from partner. BUT my ex partner see's the children twice a week currently, and will no way agree to me moving with the kids. So it will have to go through court.?He is a controlling person, and I have had to get The police involved on numerous occasions due to his abussive behaviour towards me, never the children though. He doesn't pay any maintenance, refuses to, even though he has a good wage. I am terrified about going to court and the influence he may have on the children as he has already said he will tell the children lies about me to turn them against me. And I know it's crazy and everyone has told me it won't happen, but what if he applied for custody and somehow got it, I will do anything for my kids and I'm honestly worried sick, Am I doing the right thing?

My mum and dad are my support network they are moving to Spain in September, the children's "father" is not actually interested in his children only when it suit him and sees them when it suits him! My children are to young to have formed real relationships with they're peers. And I live in a shitty area with gang culture/ shootings all around, yes my new partner makes me happy and yes we are in love, I'm sorry if this upset people and yes my children are happier children now they are not witnessesing domestic abuse. There are better schools over there less crime DVD drugs, domewhere better for my children to live! But I'm a selfish cow who's so selfish and doing it all for myself! I am going to work I have done from 16! Yes I may have to rely on my Boyfriend for a short while, so I can settle my kids in a new place, and he is happy to do so, it was his idea not mine to support me! So if you where in my shoes what would you do?

I would not rush moving my children to another country with a man I hardly know or my kids hardly know.

You are was so bad yet you have done nothing to get out of it. You have left a violent relationship yet you are jumping both feet in to another with a man you have not lived with and you only see on weekends.
What's the rush?

There is no rush I'm talking about next year, but I would like to do it while they are young enough not to have formed strong relationships and whilst they are still in primary school so not to disrupt them academically as much

And it's hard being a single parent to "get out of it" it took all my strength to leave my ex!! My

Sorry, this is probably not what you want to hear but, after only 18 months, to say you are taking your children to live in a different country & doing it for them, sounds preposterous

I'm sure a 9/10 year old will have formed friendships

I think you are confusing everything.

For one, don't feel guilty for considering a life with your partner. It is unfortunate that you had to fall in love with someone living so far away, but families do move and they do make it work, and children do adjust, so it isn't fair to assume that your dream is doomed to fail. It isn't...but...there are buts.

he children's "father" is not actually interested in his children only when it suit him and sees them when it suits him!
You are not supporting contact between the children and their father for his sake. They are not a reward/punishment to him. You are encouraging contact because it is what is best for them. You can convince as much as you want that this is not the case (I did the same!), but it is wrong. Until my DD was about 8, she couldn't have cared less about her father. She was a mummy's girl from the start and was never bothered about him. At the time of separation, he would travel for work and not once did she ask for him or said that she missed him. The suddenly, something happened and all of a sudden, he could do no wrong! He became some kind of mystical creature that she looked up to! All of a sudden, if she missed one week-end not seeing him, she missed him desperately.

She is now almost an adult and she has fallen somewhere in the middle, but the fact is that she adores her dad, probably just as much as me, and I know that having a balanced relationship with him is part of the reason why she is such a happy balanced young girl. I am soooooo glad and relieved that I didn't take this from her (or her brother although his feelings have always been more neutral).

You say you want to go before they form strong relationships. So you are acknowledging that this is what is likely to happen yet you want to take that away from them.

I don't think you should give up on the relationship, but I do think that you should revisit why it is absolutely impossible for him to move close to you. It doesn't have to me minutes away from your ex, but close enough that regular contact can still take place. Most successful business can be transferred or started again.

The west of Ireland is just a fantastic place. Is it coastal galway ? The city is a pain with traffic ( not as bad as dublin but nearly ) nurse on call (the biggest nursing agency in the ROI don't have much of a foothold in Galway. Uchg operate a pool / bank . Summat to think about . Nursing is well paid at home so check the payscale with nurse on call. They list the HSE rates.

All that said -
If your child's father wants an input in their lives ( and by th sounds he does albeit a crappy partner and dad ) you are tied. . They are entitled to know him and he them. Your 9 yr old has had him there all his life
. Your new partner is not a stranger but neither new father figure either .it's too new BUT if ye both think it's long term work out a way putting things on hold for the nex t year or so.
It's a big upheaval for every one

I'm still going to think it's a good move for the OP.

In fact if she had posted that she was moving countries and was going to struggle to love independently to check this was right as her partner would not support her financially, everyone would be saying why can't you move in with him and him support you until you are established.

OP go for it, plan it, research the fuck out of it, and do it before your children are older. Have a great life in Ireland.

Love how everyone glosses over the fact that the 'father' of these children refuses to financially support them. What a hero and yet some of you will still paint him as such. Make sure his failure to feed, clothe and house his children features heavily in any court case he may start OP.

What lello said

Nobody has glossed over it. We just see the bigger picture.

The fact that the father doesn't pay is another matter. Kids should be penalised from a building a relationship with him because of it. There are avenues to get him to pay and that's the view of a resident parent who never got a penny from my ex. Separated 14 years ago and still feel extremely strongly by my children to encourage contact. I had to come to terms with the fact that he benefited himself from the choices I made for the benefit of my kids.

Go for it if you can afford to support yourself and your kids by yourself. Do not rely on a new man to do so.
Do thread carefully though. The grass is not always greener.
Galway is wonderful but can be expensive in terms of healthcare and general costs of living.

So if you where in my shoes what would you do?

Well i would have expected HIM to have offered to move here for one - he's single and childfree and has no ties (as is the case with your dc).
So why isn't that a viable option?

I would NOT take my dc far away from their father. I'd rather give them the opportunity to judge him for themselves....unless he was a paedo in which case it wouldn't even be up for discussion.

I wouldn't move in with a man unless i knew his living style in intimate detail....weekend romance doesn't give you that experience.

I wouldn't make myself financially dependent on him without having full disclosure of all finances/debts, and a joint account with my own card to access money without having to ask him or wait until he gave me an 'allowance'

I most definitely under no condition, reason or rhyme want to move to a country where a woman's right to autonomy over her own body/fertility is denied and discouraged.....and access to womens medical services is restricted.

I would not throw all my eggs in one basket just because my ovaries were dancing.

Some things are deal breakers.

Abortion is illegal in Ireland. All other forms if birth control are freely available. And there's currently massive widespread pressure on the government to introduce abortion so 'fertility' and autonomy are definitely not 'discouraged'

Also I'd love to know where the OP is getting return flights from the UK for £16

That's hardly the regular price. It'll work out on average at €400 return for 4, going every 3 weeks will be the guts of €7k

There won't be much change from a part time nurses salary after she pays the massive irish taxes and 17 round trips to the UK.

This plan is nuts. He should move to you.

OP, how long since you split from your ex? I think the first priority is to get child maintenance for the DC, get it formalised from CMS.
It sounds as though your DC (and you) have been through a heck of a lot of change and disruption for the past few years. Their grandparents (who it seems are a big part of their life) are moving to a new country in sept.
I think a period of stability would do,you all a bit of good.

Sounds like you've developed the classic Run Away Fantasy a la people who go on 'Wanted Down Under' and 'Escape to the Country' where you get to bunk out of life, work PT, pop another sprog, live in Brigadoon.

Moving to another country with 3 children for a boyfriend is bonkers. We might not even be part of the EU in the next year or so and this might cause all manner of problems, as does not being married.

Not seeing why he can't move here as he is the one who is unencumbered. But there will be some excuse, surely.

If the relationship they have with their father is so bad then why are you letting them go there twice a week?
And why will you be flying back on these mystical £16 each flights every 3 weeks?

expat OP said he has a successful business which cannot be moved, sounds fair enough.

I was moved countries by my mum after divorce, no new man involved. Did me no harm. Still see my family, not weekly but it's fine.

'I was moved countries by my mum after divorce, no new man involved. Did me no harm. Still see my family, not weekly but it's fine.'

I'm glad it worked out for you. It doesn't for everyone. I was spanked as a child. It did me no harm. But it sure did to others.

You can't take your children to a new country without their fathers consent. Without it you are breaking international law, The Hague convention, and you can be summoned immediately to return regardless of you life, employment, marital status with someone else. So don't go unless he agrees.

It doesn't matter if he's a shit father you still need his permission. That's law. You would have to go to court for Leave to Remove and win your case.

And o be the hokey thank fucking Jesus someone else said it already - there is a Republic of Ireland and a Northern Ireland. Not Northern Ireland and Southern Ireland.

For fucks sake.

OP, if you are still reading this, do take the last post seriously (the part about court). I do know someone who took it for granted that they would be able to move abroad with her kids. In her case, it was to move with her partner who had taken on a job in Spain. Initially, her ex said ok as she promised she would come back every other week-ends, telling him how she knew it was important to continue to support visits, but then his kids started to tell him things that she'd supposedly said to friends (kids eardropping) and he started having doubts so said he was agreeing to it. She told him that she didn't care and was moving any way, he applied and was immediately granted whatever it is called to ensure the children were not taken abroad. They were stopped at the customs (ironically when she was actually taking them on holiday to France!).

It ended up in court and she was confident that she would be granted leave. After all, she'd been with her partner for 3 years and his company had sent him abroad rather than making a choice to do so. It failed though. The main reason (they were a number of them, mainly relating to the children being stable in the current arrangement) was that she didn't live with her partner and therefore their relationship couldn't be considered that of a 'family' and his moving didn't mean that she had no choice but to do it so for the benefit of the 'family'.

In the end, he moved to Spain on his own but started to look for another job back in the UK which he did and they moved in together.

So don't assume that 'the kids will have a better life there' will be considered above 'the kids have the right to see their dad regularly'.

Just to chime in that if your ex opposes your decision and goes to court, you could have a long and expense court battle on your hands. You might win or you might not. The feasibility of this move comes down, at least partly, to whether your exH will consent or whether he will strongly oppose it. It might not seem fair, but that's the way it is when you have dcs under 18. The Hague Convention says they shouldn't be taken from the country of their habitual residence without the other parent's consent.

As a practical point, the very cheap plane tickets will not be always available. You'll be travelling at weekends and half-terms etc, which will be a lot more expensive.

I'm not saying that it's impossible, but to be realistic, there are significant legal barriers in your way.