Help me with how I feel please :(

[StepCatsmother]

My stepchildren were supposed to be with us until this morning.

Yesterday though, my SD did something she has been expressly told not to (on more than one occasion) which resulted in my beloved puppy breaking his leg.

Puppy will now be in the vet hospital over Christmas as surgery cannot take place until after. This has cost me dearly both emotionally & financially (though thankfully I'm insured for the latter).

It was an accident, albeit one that wouldn't have happened if SD had just done as she was told. She is old enough to understand.

I'm in pieces about my puppy. He is all alone and I miss him.

The kids' mum was great yesterday and had them while we were back & forth to the vet. They are coming back this morning to do presents.

The problem is I don't want to see SD. I'm happy for her to be here, see her dad, have Christmas etc. But I just want to stay out of the way. I've been told by everyone that "it was just an accident", "he's just a dog he'll be ok" and "don't make the child feel worse".

I know I'm an adult but I'm shocked / sad too. None of the real consequences of what happened fall on SD. Her persistent lack of ability to do as asked always seems to affect things of her brother, did or I. This is the worst yet though.

I just want some space to get over my own feelings. I can't see her yet. DP isn't forcing it but his family & the kids' mum think I'm awful.

I think your plan with OH sounds like the right move now OP, particularly with a statement from your first post in mind:

Her persistent lack of ability to do as asked always seems to affect things of her brother, did or I.

I would take it a step further than this incident now and really use it as a springboard to set standards of behaviour and suitable punishments going forward.

Best wishes for the puppy's recovery.

Thanks to all of you who have sent well wishes to puppy.

Octopus We are waiting for the vet to call us to let us know how his surgery went. If all's well, he can come home tomorrow.

NewNN Thank you particularly, for your continued support and understanding.

There's a thread on AIBU today where a mother has made a similar comment about 'not wanting to look at her child' following some bad behaviour (rudeness - no injury to animal or human) of an even younger child than my SD and I noticed that she has not been pulled up at all for that comment. Funny that...

What I've taken from all this is that:

1- It's ok to have feelings about things the sKids do, but because I'm the adult I do have to manage those feelings as well as I can.

2- It's ok for SD to shoulder an age-appropriate level of responsibility for her part in this and as I said above, we have a plan for how to determine her level of understanding of what happened before we move on to how to help her take responsibility.

3- If SD does not show an appropriate level of remorse or understanding, the adults involved need to work together to ensure she is helped to improve on this, for her own good in the future.

Step cats..... what I have noticed on this site is if you are a parent you can say your child is doing your head in and misbehaving and on the whole people will be supportive and offer advice, however when a step parent says it you can guarantee it gets twisted into you been pure evil and the child been a poor innocent victim.

Glad your puppy is ok and will hopefully be home tomorrow, lots of treats and tlc

And the bottom line is, there are some naughty and badly-behaved children out there, whose behaviour cannot be explained away by SN or neglect. Trust me, I'm a teacher. The adults in this child's life are doing her no favours by minimising her role in this affair.

Why is it so awful for a step-parent to acknowledge this?

You are not being unreasonable. I'd have been furious with my son or DSD. However, I think you both need to get back on the horse as it were. At 9 she needs to show she's learnt her lesson, regained your trust and tried to make it up to you/puppy. You need to show her by actions how to handle mistakes, and not hide away. Basically however hard it is, don't hide or sulk!

P.s. I hope the puppy is well from surgery.

Oh we step parents are the scum of the earth. Just read another post on here where the op is attacked just for saying she wants a bit of time alone to gather her thoughts in her own home. If a bio parent said that it would be grand.. double standards much?

Always User, always.

Stupid comment from swingofthings re monitoring your SD. It's impossible, and shouldn't even be necessary, to shadow your SD the entire time she is in your home
Charming....especially considering my response was to OP own statement that she felt guilty for not monitoring her! Ironically, I agree with you, but my point was that if OP could forgive herself for what she thought she did wrong, why couldn't she forgive her SD?

As to the comment about taking the child to the vet, that's personally what I would have done with my own children, but then again, I would never have believed that they would had done harm willingly, so am in the clan of those who believe that 'accidents' also fall under the definition of 'unmeant harm' when it comes to children and the best lessons is being witness to the damaged caused. Any 9 year old unable to express any remorse at all when witnessing the distress of a puppy needs psychological support.

OP best of luck to you and hope the puppy is well.
I am a step mum with dogs Inc a puppy and you have come across incredibly well.
I am not sure I could have been so tolerant and gracious.
All I can say is that this is a situation where it's handling isn't about whether the child is step or bio, and it is irrelevant when it happened i.e. Christmas or not.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your puppy.

OP - glad puppy is on the mend and I think the plan is sound.

User 14679 - no what people object to is step parents of both persuasions demanding the right to their time and space and how this is not respected etc etc and they hate the DSCs being in their house. How their own children miss out.

Then we find out that the SDCs come over EOW - 52 days of the year out of 365 - and adult can not suck it up and over come their selfishness and also realise that this time is previous to the NRP and their kids. Expecting the SDCs to share their NRP time, 50: 50 with their sibs who see their parent 365 days of the year is jsut petty. Some sharing yes but not as some on here want.