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Original poster

Help me with how I feel please :(

161 replies

StepCatsmother · 25/12/2016 09:13

My stepchildren were supposed to be with us until this morning.

Yesterday though, my SD did something she has been expressly told not to (on more than one occasion) which resulted in my beloved puppy breaking his leg.

Puppy will now be in the vet hospital over Christmas as surgery cannot take place until after. This has cost me dearly both emotionally & financially (though thankfully I'm insured for the latter).

It was an accident, albeit one that wouldn't have happened if SD had just done as she was told. She is old enough to understand.

I'm in pieces about my puppy. He is all alone and I miss him.

The kids' mum was great yesterday and had them while we were back & forth to the vet. They are coming back this morning to do presents.

The problem is I don't want to see SD. I'm happy for her to be here, see her dad, have Christmas etc. But I just want to stay out of the way. I've been told by everyone that "it was just an accident", "he's just a dog he'll be ok" and "don't make the child feel worse".

I know I'm an adult but I'm shocked / sad too. None of the real consequences of what happened fall on SD. Her persistent lack of ability to do as asked always seems to affect things of her brother, did or I. This is the worst yet though.

I just want some space to get over my own feelings. I can't see her yet. DP isn't forcing it but his family & the kids' mum think I'm awful.

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
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MistressMerryWeather · 26/12/2016 14:58

^ To SV.

FantasticButtocks · 26/12/2016 14:58

Maybe she could go with you to the vet so she can see how the puppy is suffering, she will also see how sad you are about it. She needs to feel genuinely sorry.

SVJAA · 26/12/2016 15:04

Would you avoid your child on Christmas day for this?
I wouldn't ignore them no, step child or bio child. But neither would I put on an act that everything was fine. Because it wasn't was it? This child deliberately defied a rule and it had really bad consequences for the puppy. She needs to understand that it wasn't ok for her to do that.

SVJAA · 26/12/2016 15:06

needsahalo who is plotting revenge? I never once advocated plotting revenge against a child so don't be quoting me and then saying things like that.

awayinamazda · 26/12/2016 15:12

For everyone berating the OP over perceived plans for ignoring the child or revenge (neither of which she suggested she would do) - she long since told us that she put on a smile and did a normal Xmas day, based in part on advice on here. It's not Xmas morning clearly, and things have moved on -lots of people are reacting to something which was never planned and didn't happen!

MouseLove · 26/12/2016 15:15

Bloody hell. Stop being childish. It was an accident and the poor kid is probably really upset and scared that you're angry with her. Hug her and reassure her that puppy will be ok, ask her if she's ok and then ask again, please try to do as you ask to avoid hurting puppy again in the past. Stop putting puppy before a human!

FantasticButtocks · 26/12/2016 15:27

Stop putting puppy before a human! The puppy has a BROKEN LEG! The human doesn't. The human caused it, by doing what she wanted when she had been told not to for very good reason.

It is irrelevant whether the child who was told not to is a step-child, a non stepchild, a niece, or a next door neighbours child. She needs to learn from this, obviously.

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 26/12/2016 15:37

Let's not forget also that the DSD has not been openly upset about the injury to the puppy. Of course she might be upset inside, but then again she might not. It's important for her sake that she grasps the severity of her deliberate disobedience.

thatdearoctopus · 26/12/2016 15:50

The child has disobeyed explicit instructions and seriously injured a defenceless animal as a consequence.

But hey, let's all have a hug and a kiss and go and open some presents.

Devilishpyjamas · 26/12/2016 16:20

It's not irrelevant who it is - if a neighbours child broke my dog's leg through not listening to me they just wouldn't be in my house again. If my stepchild did I would have to have an ongoing relationship with them and would need a very different approach.

FrancisCrawford · 26/12/2016 16:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

madgingermunchkin · 26/12/2016 16:54

Who on earth thinks it acceptable to hug and kiss someone who has deliberately ignored a repeated safety precaution and caused a poor defenceless animal to end up severely injured.

Would you advocate for the two lads who were involved in the James Bulger case to be hugged and kissed and told it was ok? Because they were only a year old than this girl is. I don't bloody think so.

MouseLove · 26/12/2016 16:58

Ffs the daughter didn't murder the damn puppy. It wasn't intentional grabbing the puppies leg and snapping it. It was a mistake and an accident. If the daughter didn't give a shit after and wasn't bothered then FINE!! But I'm sure she was upset, no need for the OP to be an arsehole with her.

SallyInSweden · 26/12/2016 17:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NewNNfor2017 · 26/12/2016 17:20

I'm sure she was upset

MN at its best. Rewrite the OP to make yourself feel better and justify your own bias.

The OP made it clear that her DSD wasn't visibly upset. Unless you are the DCs mum, I fail to see how you can 'be sure' that she was upset, despite her outward appearance Hmm

This thread is a validation of everything I suspect is behind the outrageous behaviour of the teens I deal with every day. A desire amongst adults to protect DCs from unpleasant feelings and consequences and a willingness to absolve them of any responsibility is creating generations of DCs with absolutely no sense of self-control.

The blatant disregard for animal welfare in the latter posts is shocking - if the death of a living thing is necessary for compassion to be shown, then there really is something wrong with society.

ChaChaChaCh4nges · 26/12/2016 17:23
SVJAA · 26/12/2016 17:24

It is reckless- the results of it are known as an RTA not an RT-on-purpose
Actually in the UK road traffic incidents are referred to as a RTI not an RTA. Legally referring to something as an accident caused problems when it came to convicting people for death by careless driving, so it was changed. Nice try though Grin

SVJAA · 26/12/2016 17:27

NewNNfor2017 well bloody said! This is the snowflake generation and it does our kids no favours whatsoever. I'm not a particularly strict or authoritarian parent, but I do expect my kids to be respectful, polite and not to deft specific rules/boundaries that are put in place to keep them and others safe.
There is a time for hugging and reassuring and there is a time for firmly telling them that their behaviour is unacceptable.

SVJAA · 26/12/2016 17:27

*deft should read defy

NewNNfor2017 · 26/12/2016 17:28

The second logical conclusion is that you are OK with your own child being the receiver of that scale of anger from their step mother, and presumably their step father too.

Yes, I would be. In fact, I'm certain that if my DD had conducted herself in that way in her DF's home, she'd have dreaded coming home to me as she knew how angry, upset and disappointed I would be.

I have, on occasion, absolutely bollocked her for thoughtless, irresponsible behaviour towards her stepmum. Fortunately, in those cases nothing or no one was harmed or injured. But I actively encouraged my ex to allow his DW to share her feelings with DD in order for her to better appreciate the impact her behaviour had.

My DDs SM is a lot more tolerant than I am - I struggled to accept similar behaviour from DHs DCs.

plimsolls · 26/12/2016 17:34

tgat you support the OP in making sure the SD feels her fury, fully feels it

I don't think the OP is particularly trying to impose "fury" on her stepdaughter. Most of her posts are about her feeling sadness. Talk of 'fully feeling the fury' is taking OP in a direction that I don't think she intended.

MistressMerryWeather · 26/12/2016 17:39

That's a bit dramatic, NewNN.

NewNNfor2017 · 26/12/2016 17:43

That's a bit dramatic, NewNN

Which bit? I wasn't the one who referred to 'fury' Grin

awayinamazda · 26/12/2016 17:46

'that scale of anger from their step mother' and 'feels her fury, fully feels it'

Both of these are COMPLETELY MADE UP - the OP has said several times she was upset or 'in pieces'. I cannot see anywhere that she mentioned anger, or fury!!
Stop making up things to create a more dramatic story, and to make the OP feel bad. She was upset because her dog was hurt by a naughty child, she has since been pleasant to the child; where on earth is fury in that?

Empress13 · 26/12/2016 17:51

Sorry but at aged 9 she's old enough to know better.

I'd be fuming !

But for the sake of Christmas, your DH I would try and rise above it and move on. Life will be very difficult for all if you don't.

Hope puppy will be OK - please report back and let us know

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