Help me with how I feel please :(

[StepCatsmother]

My stepchildren were supposed to be with us until this morning.

Yesterday though, my SD did something she has been expressly told not to (on more than one occasion) which resulted in my beloved puppy breaking his leg.

Puppy will now be in the vet hospital over Christmas as surgery cannot take place until after. This has cost me dearly both emotionally & financially (though thankfully I'm insured for the latter).

It was an accident, albeit one that wouldn't have happened if SD had just done as she was told. She is old enough to understand.

I'm in pieces about my puppy. He is all alone and I miss him.

The kids' mum was great yesterday and had them while we were back & forth to the vet. They are coming back this morning to do presents.

The problem is I don't want to see SD. I'm happy for her to be here, see her dad, have Christmas etc. But I just want to stay out of the way. I've been told by everyone that "it was just an accident", "he's just a dog he'll be ok" and "don't make the child feel worse".

I know I'm an adult but I'm shocked / sad too. None of the real consequences of what happened fall on SD. Her persistent lack of ability to do as asked always seems to affect things of her brother, did or I. This is the worst yet though.

I just want some space to get over my own feelings. I can't see her yet. DP isn't forcing it but his family & the kids' mum think I'm awful.

OP what do you want to happen?

When ds3 was kicked by the horse after ignoring my 'don't go near the horse' then I wanted him to understand that animals are different than us and unpredictable and despite his strong need to be near animals he can't just go charging in. I also wanted him to understand that it happened as a consequence of him not doing what I said & that he could have been very seriously hurt (luckily it was an unshod pony & ds3 was wearing a hat).

When ds1 kicks dogs I know there is no chance of getting him to understand why he shouldn't kick them so I keep dogs away from him.

Presumably in this case you want her to understand that she caused the injury by not listening, that puppies are delicate & that she needs to do as she's told. There are different ways to approach that but I'd keep your eye on the goals & what you want her to understand & work backwards from there.

you are conveniently allocating a different meaning to the word to suit your own purposes.

Using your definition of the word, then deaths caused by drunk driving, or dangerous driving, should be classed as "accidents" because there was no intent to harm.

Rubbish. An accident is unavoidable - this was totally avoidable; the DC disregarded an instruction. Had they done so at school, and a child was harmed as a result, they would have been subject to disciplinary action. This is no different.

That was NOT an accident. She had been told not to do it and knew why. I'm not surprised younare so upset. It could have been avoided. Makes it not an accident in my book.

So do you call drunk driving an accident then?

And, as an aside, even by your dictionary definition, thi wasn't an accident. DSD acted neither carelessly nor in ignorance. So her actions don't meet the requiremebts of definition 2(a).

the book to use is called A Dictionary

None of those definitions apply to this case though

a : an unforeseen and unplanned event or circumstance
It was totally foreseable, whih is why the rule was in place
b : lack of intention or necessity : chance
It did not happen by chance, the DD took deliberate action which caused the injury

a : an unfortunate event resulting especially from carelessness or ignorance
The DD was neither careless or ignorant - she took a deliberate action which she KNEW (because she had been told) was risky.
b : an unexpected and medically important bodily event especially when injurious
Not unexpected - the OP knew the puppy could get injured on the stairs, hence the gate was in place
c : an unexpected happening causing loss or injury which is not due to any fault or misconduct on the part of the person injured but for which legal relief may be sought
The ijury was caused by Misconduct on the part of the DC who deliberately disregarded an instruction from adults responsible for her

Yep, not an accident. A wilful disregard of safety rules and measures put in place to protect the animal. Child ignored the rules because she put her own gratification before the safety of the puppy.

Did she get any money for Xmas....

My suggestion is when pets at home opens get her down there and she can buy some treats for the dog by way of an apology and for making him spend Xmas alone.

That way she can learn actions have consequences (financial ones in this case) and you will feel better about spending time with her if you are both doing something nice for the puppy

I think you are perfectly justified in how you feel and I agree with a previous poster's comment about not protecting children (of this age) from consequences of their actions.

But, i think if you decide to express to her how sad and upset you are it's important that you also allow for repair of the situation. Explain calmly, and with her dad present what you need her to do (decide what you feel would be reasonable, bearing in kind she is ultimately a child - perhaps some pocket money contributions to vet bill and an apology), and, despite how you might still feel, you must allow her to feel that she has been forgiven once she has done as asked. It's important for kids to learn about consequences but not to have them hanging over their heads for the rest of their days. Hopefully she is a compassionate enough child that once she is told how her actions have hurt an animal and upset you she will understand that she was wrong to go against what she was told.

I would definitely not trust her around the puppy however, until she has gained your trust back but don't bring it up again once you've accepted the apology and whatever other action you've asked her to take.

For what it's worth, I would be hard- pressed to let it go. I really feel for you. I foster and we had a child who showed little empathy for animals and kicked our lovely dog when he was looking for reassurance from her during a thunderstorm. I found it very hard to let this go...

Black Beauty is rather good on how animals feel and how they are dependent on human kindness.. (Or the lack of it.)

Really sorry to hear about your puppy, that's a really sad thing to happen. It was still an accident though. I think that she'll be feeling terrible anyway. I don't think you need to do or say much else. The consequences are already extremely dire. If you are kind to her about it, whilst reiterating that this did happen as a result of her actions, and that sometimes really bad things happen if we don't obey important instructions about safety, then she'll learn something positive. Be kind though, because she didn't mean this to happen, she's only 9 and you want to have a good relationship with her.

1. No one suggested children behave perfectly at 4 or 5, or at any age - that was made up by the poster, as something to argue with! I said they 'mostly' obey rules - as against disobeying the same rule 'hundreds' of times, which it was suggested was typical....It's really not.

1. Whether 'accident' covers what happened in its strict definition or not, is kind of interesting, but not that relevant - the issue is that the child deliberately did something she'd been told not to, and almost all parents give consequences for that behaviour (as do schools...); otherwise children would have no reason to take any notice of what they're told. That isn't vengeance, it's bringing up a child and caring for it. Next time it may be a busy road, and she may run under a truck, repeating some lessons hundreds of time just doesn't work.

The SD did not intend to hurt the dog. Withdrawing affection like this will damage your relationship with her, her father, and her mother.

Accident or not, there is a better way to deal with the situation that giving a child the silent treatment and refusing to see her. Your SD is already feeling bad why the need to punish her further in such a way? You are an adult, I am sure you can find an alternative punishment like withholding some privileges, etc.

I agree with you there, Misstic.

I'm not surprised her mum is pissed off. In her position, I would support any punishment you set and follow it up at home but I wouldn't put up with an adult woman actively ignoring and avoiding my 9-year-old child on Christmas day.

She was wrong and foolish to ignore the rules like that but as she seems to have form for this she really shouldn't have been left alone with such a small puppy in the first place.

Yes, there is no doubt that the girl did a wrong thing but there are few households that don't have some refrain equivalent to "how many times have I told you", which is just the flip side duh duh duuuuuhhhhh children often don't obey their parents or caregivers first time or tenth time or one hundredth time. Because duh duh duuuuhhhh No, they just don't get it

The duh duh duuuuuuhhhh is childish and unecessary.
Also, if your kids ignore your instructions 10-100 times I find it utterly laughable that you're on here doling out nasty comments parenting advice on here!
However you dress it up a 9 yo (without SEN) is perfectly capable of understanding the words "don't do that". She obviously didn't mean to hurt the puppy, but she did, and she needs to understand that it was very wrong. She also needs to understand that rules and boundaries are there for a reason, and that she doesn't have the right to disregard them and cause harm.

she doesn't have the right to disregard them and cause harm

No on is saying she doesn't need to understand that but as parents, we can't just pretend our children don't exist when things like this happen.

No, but we don't have to plaster on a smile and make it all about them either! If one of mine at that age had done that, I would have let them know I wasn't happy. Why can't OP?

Example being: my DSD was repeatedly told not to take loom bands upstairs and to keep them to the dining table in case they got left lying and DD choked. She stuffed a load of them into DDs cot under the mattress and sure enough DD choked. Thankfully I heard her and managed to get it out.
By the reckoning of some posters on here I should have just smiled and pretended nothing had happened. Did I fuck.

I work with and am around properly challenging behaviour daily. The best approach is always to work out what your aims are and work backwards from there. Ignoring someone & sending out the message they're too horrible to be around (whatever their age) is rarely useful. It just escalates things anyway. There are better ways to respond. Here you presumably want her to know she should listen to you and do as she's told and know that animals need to be treated gently. Work backwards from that.

If you dish out a punishment know what it is for - and make sure she does as well - not listening to you or hurting the puppy? If it's for hurting the puppy recognise she might burn with righteous indignation (rightly or wrongly - she's 9 so isn't going to be hugely logical) because she undoubtedly didn't mean to hurt the puppy.

I'd personally pull it apart - punishment for not listening resulting in serious consequences & a lot of education & serious talking about how we should behave around puppies. I'd also tell her she has to be supervised around puppies for now.

Hopefully that would achieve your aims. Adjust if you want a different outcome.

I am so sorry to hear about your puppy.

YANBU to be upset and angry....I would be too and I wouldn't want to see her either.

Your SD clearly needs total supervision at all times.

He's not "just a dog".

If one of mine at that age had done that, I would have let them know I wasn't happy. Why can't OP?

There is a difference between telling a child how upset and angry you might be and working out fair consequences (helping paying vet fees, spending time alone with an expectation that an apology is forthcoming, being shouted at.....)and ignoring them or plotting how to get revenge. Some of these threads read like the work of playground bullies sometimes.

Again no one is saying that I'm certainly not.

The problem is I don't want to see SD. I'm happy for her to be here, see her dad, have Christmas etc. But I just want to stay out of the way. - OP

Would you avoid your child on Christmas day for this?

Honestly?