Help me with how I feel please :(

[StepCatsmother]

My stepchildren were supposed to be with us until this morning.

Yesterday though, my SD did something she has been expressly told not to (on more than one occasion) which resulted in my beloved puppy breaking his leg.

Puppy will now be in the vet hospital over Christmas as surgery cannot take place until after. This has cost me dearly both emotionally & financially (though thankfully I'm insured for the latter).

It was an accident, albeit one that wouldn't have happened if SD had just done as she was told. She is old enough to understand.

I'm in pieces about my puppy. He is all alone and I miss him.

The kids' mum was great yesterday and had them while we were back & forth to the vet. They are coming back this morning to do presents.

The problem is I don't want to see SD. I'm happy for her to be here, see her dad, have Christmas etc. But I just want to stay out of the way. I've been told by everyone that "it was just an accident", "he's just a dog he'll be ok" and "don't make the child feel worse".

I know I'm an adult but I'm shocked / sad too. None of the real consequences of what happened fall on SD. Her persistent lack of ability to do as asked always seems to affect things of her brother, did or I. This is the worst yet though.

I just want some space to get over my own feelings. I can't see her yet. DP isn't forcing it but his family & the kids' mum think I'm awful.

I feel your hurt. My partner has a son and I don't have any children, my dog is my world (i used to feel like a third wheel but since I got the dog I feel as though I have my own purpose when his son is over, probably sounds silly to others) and I struggle just seeing his son be rough with my dog so I couldn't imagine how you are feeling. Hopefully she shows some remorse and in time I'm sure you will be able to forgive and forget xxxx

Sallyinsweden, the DSD didn't need to do a risk analysis, they told her NOT to open the stairgate. Adults give kids rules because kids have less judgement on what is appropriate/safe. Kids need to follow the rules to avoid accidents. It's a really useful system, and it's why u get cross with a child when they deliberately break those rules!

If my DD had done this she would be in HUGE huge trouble but she would also feel responsible and probably be crying her eyes out (what was the SD's reaction? Was she told off at all?). I would definitely make my DD go to vet and wait with puppy etc to feel the consequences.

Deliberately ignoring an explicit rule set by parents for the dog's safety makes the kid responsible for what happened. I would be furious too. SD should be made to accompany dog to vet and have privileges taken away for a time period.

Thank you for everyone for taking the time to comment over Christmas. It was very raw when I originally posted.

I try not to pick know on individual posters but Sally your first post was hurtful. I haven't said any of those things, nor can such intention be attributed to my posts as it's not how I feel / felt. I did not "stonewall" my SD at Christmas. Everything that was meant to happen, has happened. Just minus puppy. I took the advice that avoiding her wasn't the right way to deal with the situation or how I was feeling.

I recognise it was an accident but some accidents are avoidable or at least the chance of them occurring can be minimised. It wouldn't have happened if SD had just done as she was asked. She may not have intended puppy to get hurt but part of the explanation we gave her for not encouraging him ton jump off thing was that he's not strong enough and would hurt himself.

I am asking where my feelings fit into this and how far what I feel I need is compatible with what's right & fair to SD. She has not been openly upset about it since it happened but I guess the excitement of presents etc got in the way so it'd not be a great time to judge. I'm scared that it's not going to get dealt with properly as (at SD mum request) it's not been mentioned again.

Accident or otherwise, this results are serious and I think something more than a telling off at the time is warranted. I guess I'm asking (maybe clumsily) what's ok and what's not in terms of her seeing how her actions have upset someone I.e me.

To answer questions...my DP is as shocked as I am. He is really sad she didnt follow instructions and knows this needs to be addressed. Hes going to speak to SDs mum to see they can agree how to deal with it.

It shows that she wants the girl to "pay" in some way to even the score

Is that how you consider the consequences of choices? As some form of 'payment' to make others feel better?

Consequences are a natural part of adult life. If you spend all your money in the Sales, and can't pay your rent, your landlord doesn't evict you just to even the score. If you don't study for your final exams, the examiners don't give you a low mark just to 'make you pay' for your laziness.

Children have to learn that if they disregard rules and instructions, then there is a consequence on them, in order for them to learn the skills they will need to function in adult society. Every choice has a natural consequence; they're not artificially inflicted by others as a way of getting at you!

Viewing that aspect of parenting as some form of self-gratification on the part of the adult is an odd concept but goes some way to explain the lack of personal responsibility I see in the teens I work with.

Kids do stupid things. Have a look on tge teenagers threads. Most people advise being patient and understanding etc etc. Funny how on here we are talking about paying the insuranxe excess and other long running punishments. She was stupid. The dog was hurt. She has been told off and no doubt feels very bad about it. That really should be the end of it. Later when dog returns home there should be a conversation about how animals are just as fragile as humans and the rules reiterated to her. All this I cant even look at her stuff is very OTT and yes will damage your family relationships.

Your poor little dog! I would be so upset if anyone did this to my puppy, I'm really aghast at the posters telling you that you are abusive

I'm not at all surprised that you don't want to spend time with her at the moment, that's completely reasonable.

Hope your lovely puppy is ok soon. If I were either of this girl's parents, I'd talk to her about how very upset you are about her causing your dog's injury, and encourage her to think how she can make it up to you.

She needs to apologise very sincerely and understand that she has harmed an animal.

Thank you NewNN I hadn't even seen that part of Sally's second post, but you've articulated what I'm feeling about it very well.

I'm not sure I can find the energy to keep explaining myself where I don't understand how my posts have been interpreted in such a malicious way to start with.

Sally, I can't understand your angle and it's clear you are aiming to upset me further rather than provide any real help. But for what its worth, yes, I don't care why she did it. She had been told not to and given reasons for that instruction. She is 9. She doesn't get to have a reason why she felt like disobeying.

As for the aim of my posts, and what help im seeking, feel I've explained enough previously. I do not want SD to "pay" in the warped way you've put it, but I want her to understand the seriousness of what she's done and have queried whether, in these circumstances it is ok for a child to see an adult upset with them.

If you are going to invent your own "story" for SDs motivation and feelings its not going to give me anything realistic to work with.

Agree with Sally.

I wouldn't leave her alone with the dog again until she shows she can be trusted around him but as she's your stepdaughter you have no choice but to get over it & not keep on about it. I have various friends who managed to kill their pets (story swapping as adults) - usually by playing with them inappropriately - and they were all perfectly pleasant adults. The main consequences dished out seemed to be usual telling off followed by not being allowed any more animals until they showed they were capable of looking after them.

My eldest teenage son (severely disabled before people kick off) kicks my dog - so now he doesn't get near him. Everyone with him knows to watch him around dogs at the moment. It's a shame as he's always liked my dog & talks about him - but if he can't control himself then the dog has to be kept quietly out the way. You just need to follow a less extreme version of that. When your puppy comes back from the vets just tell her that the puppy needs supervised play only & take that time to show her what is acceptable.

My youngest was very drawn to animals & found it very difficult when told to keep away (still does tbh & he's 12 now - he just itches to play with & stroke any animal he sees - I still wouldn't trust him alone - if our dog has a sore paw or something that might make him snappy we have to repeatedly tell ds3 to leave him alone and at his age he can easily follow instructions in other areas - it's just with animals he struggles)). His natural consequence of not following my very clear instruction of 'stay away from that animal' was to get kicked in the head by a horse (one way to learn that I say things for a reason).

Middle son who isn't that fussed about animals never has to be watched around animals as he was naturally avoidant. So tell him once & he obeys. He doesn't adore animals the way ds3 does though.

So your sd may be a nightmare because she likes the puppy so much in which case her sorrow will be genuine & she will hopefully learn quickly.

In case this helps.

I found life easier when I could tell my stepchildren that I felt angry and disappointed.

My stepson was very much someone who didn't do what he was told. I remember him running over some tomato seedlings I had just planted as part of a game - and damaging them. Another time I'd bought a sewing box including one of those little retractable tape measures. He was fascinated by the way you pressed the button and the tape went in, but just kept fiddling with it. I asked him to leave it alone because it struck me as breakable. He kept on playing it broke and I yelled at him.

It helped that I was able to express all the anger I felt and that my stepson - on that occasion - burst into tears. So I realised that although he was hapless and didn't do what he was told - he also didn't mean to hurt me.

I am glad that that you partner is supportive but think that the pressure from the parents for the incident to be put on one side is adding to your difficulties.

As a parent I will tell my daughter when I am angry and distressed. In the ideal world step-parental relationships are also strong enough for the step-parent to say to her stepchild, 'I am really cross. Your behaviour has really upset me' And for the step-parent to get back up from the child's parents.

Good luck and hope today goes okay.

I cannot believe that some people think that Christmas should have just carried on like nothing had happened.

A child, old enough to know better, having been told more than once, cause serious harm, pain and distress to an innocent animal. Would you still feel the same way if she'd done something just as bad to another child?

Too damn right her Christmas should have been dosrupted. Especially as she doesn't appear to care about what she's done.

No wonder kids these days are growing up entitled and without empathy.

children often don't obey their parents or caregivers first time or tenth time or one hundredth time.

Oh, you're one of those parents

Nope, my DD never had the option of disregarding my direction 10 times, let alone 100 times. She was told, and if she disregarded me, there was a consequence. No repetition, no "how many times have I told you", no empty threats.

Her choices always had consequences - and she was entirely in control of what they were.

And it all goes back to my first question OP... what do you want to happen? What does "dealt with properly" mean to you?

That's the whole point of my thread. I don't know. I think it's more serious than just a simple telling off, I think we need to find a way to ensure she understands that when she's given instructions she should follow them or ask questions before just doing something different. I hope that's not contentious. I dread to think what worse thing would have to happen before some people would accept she needs to have more than a one off talking to.

The question I've been asking is how far how I feel comes into it. I'm really upset about the situation and part of that is being upset with her. That's the bit that seems to be unacceptable to most posters.

'children often don't obey their parents the tenth time of the hundredth time..'

See, that isn't normal, surely? If that's happening, ur kids aren't taking u seriously, and u need to sort out what has gone wrong, and fix it, for their sales as much as yours.

Every kid disobeys occasionally, but that (quoted) is complete chaos - unless a child has SN, they are able to mostly do as they're told by around 4-5 (otherwise, how on earth could schools operate?).

Also to the poster who has many adult friends who killed pets as children :-0. That is also not normal! - and suggests they weren't properly taught how to behave around animals. Or u have wierd friends...

It sounds as though you think the parents don't do boundaries/consequences/discipline.

However causing pain and damage to a living being after disregarding instructions is quite a serious thing.

To me, the issue is more about the relationship with the parents, rather than the relationship with the child. (Because after all if the child has been brought up with the freedom to disregard instructions and not face consequences, this is more the fault of a particularly style of parenting in combination with a child who is strong-willed/not docile.)

You'll also be able to deal with the problem more effectively if you have the backup of the parents concerned. I think if you need to start from the place that you want to be able to have a good relationship with your stepdaughter - but unless she is brought to acknowledge that her unwillingness to do as her stepmother has told her has had very serious consequences, you are likely to feel detached from her and mistrustful of her. You need their help and support and you feel that it will actually help their daughter to grow up into a better person if you have that support.

I agree with sally and cansu I'm shocked that people would speak about a child about paying insurance and punishments it was an accident as in she was a villain she's a child fgs. You're attitude on the matter would not be the same if your dad was your own child and I can understand why the rest of family and mother are annoyed by her attitude. Is she a young 9 year old? Not all 9 year olds are the same as I agree with what sally has said in previous posts. We all done stupid things as children my db split other db head open as kids it was an accident my fil accidentally stepped on their dogs foot but it was an accident you just need a chat about being more careful but let it lie and not wanting to see her etc does come across as emotionally abusive I bet she feels bad enough.

*Not wanting to see her comes across as emotionally abusive
*
WTAF? The kid caused OP's puppy to break its leg by DELIBERATELY ignoring rules. Of course it's normal for OP to feel angry with the child. She's 9 not 2!

Agree with PP saying the issue is possibly with the parents not bringing kid up with better discipline, consequences for actions. But it's hard to know for sure; yes she may have just been "being a kid". But this needs to have consequences for her.

And FWIW I would feel same way with my own child personally

You're attitude on the matter would not be the same if your dad was your own child

Have you read all those posts from parents who said they would expect their own DC to face the consequences of their actions?
Of course she should experience the negative consequence of her choice - both emotionally and practically. That's how DCs learn.

Parents who shield their DCs from the consequences of their choices are not doing their children any favours, and often end up with out of control teens who have no personal responsibility and who expect the adults in their life to shield them from unpleasant feelings and experiences. Those lessons are far harder to learn when the consequences lead to criminal records or school exclusion.

What worries me is that the OPs DP seems unwilling to independently parent his DD - irrespective of the DDs mothers opinion, he should be confident enough to deal with the situation in the way he believes is right. The DCs mother does not have the casting vote of raising their child - they are equal parents, and his DD is entitled to be parented in the way her Dad believes is right for her when she is in his care.

Of course children don't behave perfectly at 4 or 5. I am actually laughing at the thought.

OP, you are fully entitled to feel the way you do.

And yes, how you feel does come into it. If I were you I would be sitting down with my DH and making it perfectly clear that hownhe handled the situation is poor at best.
In your (collective) house, it is your collective rules and you should discuss punishment between you two. I'm guessing he doesn't have much say in what happens in the mothers house so why does she get to dictate what happens in yours?

I grew up knowing that in my fathers and stepmothers house, she had just as much right to parent/discipline me as he did.

You can't have a healthy functioning home any other way.

OP I absolutely understand your distress about your puppy. I can't rationalise away animal cruelty from children. This wasn't an accident - it was a child treating a puppy like a toy and ignoring instructions.

However what's done is done. Now it's a question of how to move forward with your relationship with your stepdaughter and to ascertain whether she has learnt anything from what happened and will be respectful with the animals in future.

Of course children don't behave perfectly at 4 or 5. I am actually laughing at the thought.

Of course they don't.

But if they are not expected to, and if there are not consequences if they don't, then how do they learn?

A 5 year old who never faces consequences of their choices and is shielded from the practical and emotional outcomes of their actions will become a 15 year old who disregards rules and direction.

Children don't become naturally compliant and law abiding - they have to be taught. A parent who absolved themselves of that is the abusive one.