Help me with how I feel please :(

[StepCatsmother]

My stepchildren were supposed to be with us until this morning.

Yesterday though, my SD did something she has been expressly told not to (on more than one occasion) which resulted in my beloved puppy breaking his leg.

Puppy will now be in the vet hospital over Christmas as surgery cannot take place until after. This has cost me dearly both emotionally & financially (though thankfully I'm insured for the latter).

It was an accident, albeit one that wouldn't have happened if SD had just done as she was told. She is old enough to understand.

I'm in pieces about my puppy. He is all alone and I miss him.

The kids' mum was great yesterday and had them while we were back & forth to the vet. They are coming back this morning to do presents.

The problem is I don't want to see SD. I'm happy for her to be here, see her dad, have Christmas etc. But I just want to stay out of the way. I've been told by everyone that "it was just an accident", "he's just a dog he'll be ok" and "don't make the child feel worse".

I know I'm an adult but I'm shocked / sad too. None of the real consequences of what happened fall on SD. Her persistent lack of ability to do as asked always seems to affect things of her brother, did or I. This is the worst yet though.

I just want some space to get over my own feelings. I can't see her yet. DP isn't forcing it but his family & the kids' mum think I'm awful.

At 9, it's not an accident. I would be making it very, very clear to her that she no longer be trusted alone with the puppy again. I would go straight to 'if the puppy had been injured worse, he could have died. Iif it were my child, I'd be insisting her allowance/ Christmas money be used to help pay the vet bills.

9?!? At that age, many DCs are considered trustworthy enough to have assistance dogs, so hardly "age appropriate" behaviour to disregard advice like that, IMO.

Your DSD is, however, the product of her upbringing, and it's clear that the adults in her life, including her Dad, have low expectations of her. It's inevitable that incidents like this are going to happen, with severe and long term consequences, all the while she is shielded from the consequences and excused.

Practically, if she were mine and had behaved like that, I'd ensure she experiences 'natural' consequences.. I'd expect her to financially contributing by giving up a week or twos pocket money towards the insurance excess payment, to understand that she has missed out on plans that have to be put on hold because of the puppy needing someone with him as he recovers, as well being required to get up early and clear up after pee/poo accidents indoors, etc.

Children need to learn through experience, and that includes the consequences of their actions, not being protected from them.

Of course, as she's not yours, and you have no influence over her parenting, all you can do is suck it up, or make it clear to your DP that you don't respect his parenting.

I can completely understand why you are so cross, l would be too, poor puppy .

I have a 9 year old dd who does have processing problems (she has ADHD) and struggles to follow instructions, but l too would be furious with her if she did this after being told not to.

Does dsd seem sorry at all? If she is sorry and has realised that it was a silly and dangerous thing to do, l think l'd try and get over it, whilst still making sure that she is aware she is never to do it again.

I wouldn't leave them to play together unattended again, if she isn't mature enough to do as she's told and be responsible around the puppy then the adults around have to supervise.

Yes, is she properly contrite? That also makes a big difference.

Yes you are right to be upset but I think you shouldn't ignore a child at christmas.

Unfortunately, as the adult you are going to have to ensure the relationship between you and your DSD isn't ruined forever. Whether you are right or wrong, you don't want this to become the Christmas you ignored 9 year old DSD.

Be kind, wish her a Merry Christmas and make a note to discuss this further with her and her parents on a less important day.

as the adult you are going to have to ensure the relationship between you and your DSD isn't ruined forever.

I disagree. By sweeping it under the carpet to a future date, it sends the DC a message that it is not all that significant n incident.

A pet being hospitalised at Xmas due to the deliberate disregard of a direct instruction and reckless behaviour of a 9 year old should disrupt Xmas, and it should be handled by the parents in an appropriate way. It is not something that adults should protect the DCs from because of the date - all of them will learn from it.

If Xmas is considered more important than dealing with such poor behaviour, then the OP has some soul searching to do as to whether she has a future with a man whose parenting values are so far apart from her own - again, not something that should be put to one side, just because it's Xmas.

Totally understand what you're saying newNN and if it was my own kids they would be punished regardless of what day it is.
In this situation, it's the OPs step and she doesn't get to decide how to parent it. I think if the parents arent parenting, and OP decides not to see the child then it's not going to end well.
If the DP is usually a good guy, I might postpone my talk. If it's like this all the time, then maybe it's time to move on.

Well done for managing to hold it together to do presents. That must have been hard. I think it's quite ok for her to see that you're upset about the puppy. Beyond that kind of depends how upset she is already. If she's already devestated then I'd try and be at kind to her I could manage. If she appears oblivious then she needs a firm talking to, and yes definitely to come with you to the vet to see what she's caused. The vet might talk to her about why what she did was so dangerous. Hope the puppy gets better soon

Wow, I have a 9yo and if he had done that there would be no 'it was an accident' about it - he would be in deep, deep shit! So would my 6yo for that matter.

It sounds like she is really, really pushing and unfortunately if she gets away with it she will only take it further.

Make her attend as many of the vet appointments as possible. She needs to understand the severity of her actions and this will really help her.

Unless she has SEN, a 9 year old should know better.

Is she sorry?

That's not an accident. I'd be FURIOUS 😡

sally that's so unfair!

The OP wants help with how she feels - she is conflicted; a child she cares about and whose father she is in love with has behaved in a totally unreasonable way and the man she loves and his family have excused it and dismissed the OPs feelings.

If the OP can't come here and ask for support, then MN is not the place is purports to be.

It's not abusive to feel negatively towards a child - there are plenty of posts every day from parents who say that - even teachers, nannies and childminders find it hard to accept the behaviour of their charges sometimes and they are PAID to be there.

FFS Lower your expectations of stepmums and recognise that they are human too.

Whilst I do get that you're rightly annoyed and upset... if she was your child you couldn't just not see them.
So in being an adult who has chosen to be in a relationship with a father you should have an obligation to support him fully in being a parent which includes sheeting his children as arranged at Christmas.
Yes if you have to go to the vets by all means don't put off on her account... but I think it's unfair to change plans.

Moving fwd I would not be allowing unsupervised contact with any of the dogs for her and I would be expecting her to contribute to the insurance excess. Mostly though I would be hoping She would be sad and sorry for the pup and see your rules were there to protect it and not to spoilt the fun.

if she was your child you couldn't just not see them.......
So in being an adult who has chosen to be in a relationship with a father you should have an obligation to support him fully in being a parent

That's the point though, isn't it?

The OP has no opportunity to parent the DC. She wouldn't have to refuse to see her own DCs and pretend everything was fine because she would be able to deal with the situation in the way she believed was most appropriate as a parent.

As a stepmum she is not obliged to support her DPs ineffective parenting, (and his families disregard for her feelings) but long term, differences in parenting style may well spell the end of the relationship.

I think if you don't have children of your own, it is very hard to accept that some children just don't do as their told. In particular children who haven't grown up with (well-trained) pets may not understand the rules that relate to animals because they see the pets as toys. (So it's the equivalent of children dropping/breaking an iPad, because they fail to understand the care that's needed. Although of course iPads don't have feelings.)

I think if you are a childless person with a loved pet, essentially the pet is your child. So your child has been injured by somebody else's child but nobody in your immediate circle sees it quite that way.

Obviously it would help if your partner and the girl's mother, shared the difficult emotions that you are feeling at the moment. But I don't' think they do really. On the other hand it would help if you and your partner could agree what the girl needs to do to make amends. Make a proper apology? A promise never to do anything that endangers the dog again. with an understanding that there will be immediate sanctions if she breaks that promise.

But I think adults to have to acknowledge that children screw up very badly and that successful step-parents mean that you just keep trying.

I think in your shoes I might be asking your stepdaughter to give the dog some sort of a gift to make up for spoiling the dog's Xmas - perhaps spending some of any Xmas money she has been given.

In particular children who haven't grown up with (well-trained) pets may not understand the rules that relate to animals because they see the pets as toys

And therein lies one of the biggest challenges for a NR household - who are routinely told here that the NR DCs are "part of the family" and yet the experience and understanding of those DCs means that they have to be treated differently to resident DCs in order to keep everyone (pets and people) safe.

My DHs DS was totally inexperienced around dogs, and we made a rule that he was not to go downstairs first thing in the morning without us. I was criticised and flamed on MN for treating him differently to my own DD who had grown up with the dogs and therefore could be trusted to behave appropriately.

And do you have any idea how exhausting it is for a stepmum to maintain that level of supervision single handed if the DCs parent doesn't see it as high a priority? My own DD was neglected during DHs contact time as I was constantly on alert to make sure DHs DS wasn't behaving inappropriately around the dogs. Well manning advice from relatives who didn't know my dogs only exacerbated the situation.

I hope you're ok, OP - I feel for you.

That wasn't an accident and she is old enough to know what she did. Awful that a pup is suffering because of the child's blatant disregard for your rules and her utter stupidity. I would be furious.

All those posters bleating that their 9yo would know better, honestly, get a grip. Having a 9yo does not make you an expert on normal 9yo behaviour. Go work in a classroom for a day and observe the huge variations in "normal" behaviour. It is absolutely within the realm of "normal" for a 9yo to find it challenging to follow instructions, not least during the excitement of Christmas.

Go work in a classroom for a day and observe the huge variations in "normal" behaviour

Would it be excused and downplayed as just an accident in a classroom - or would a 9 year old be expected to face the consequences rather than the adults all protecting the DC from the uncomfortable feelings that result?

And, anyway, most people haven't said their 9 year olds would know better - they've said that they would be furious if their 9 year old did what this 9 year old did.

i think it strange that some people think this ok, a bit of over enthusiastic christmas excitement.
i would be furious of my 4yo had done this after expressly being told not to, and actually for those saying 9yo don't know better, i actually think my 4yo would... if i explain the consequences of things to him, he's pretty good at following important instructions. for example he would never encourage his bother to play on the stairs, because he knows his brother could get hurt, he wouldn't cross any road without an adult...
i'm not sure on the consequences as such, but she deliberately did something which caused the pain and suffering of a living thing...
personally i think it's important for children to see the emotional consequences of their actions, and think it's fine for you to withdraw a little from the day to manage your emotions, so long as you are not nasty to her. being upset when a pet is hurt or injured is normal, and children should see that.
you haven't really covered how her dad has reacted(i don't think sorry if i missed it) how does he want to handle it? how is she? is she upset/sad/remorseful? or are people telling her it's 'just a dog' and not to worry about it too?
hope pup is ok, assume surgery is not til tomorrow earliest, so hope it goes well.

I think it would be totally reasonable to tell sd how the incident has made you feel. If said in a calm way it can have a big impact. She'll undoubtedly feel bad about the puppy already. Also, her dad could talk to her about how she can make amends to you. I also like the idea of her paying a little towards vet bill, or extra chore to help out.