Help me with how I feel please :(

[StepCatsmother]

My stepchildren were supposed to be with us until this morning.

Yesterday though, my SD did something she has been expressly told not to (on more than one occasion) which resulted in my beloved puppy breaking his leg.

Puppy will now be in the vet hospital over Christmas as surgery cannot take place until after. This has cost me dearly both emotionally & financially (though thankfully I'm insured for the latter).

It was an accident, albeit one that wouldn't have happened if SD had just done as she was told. She is old enough to understand.

I'm in pieces about my puppy. He is all alone and I miss him.

The kids' mum was great yesterday and had them while we were back & forth to the vet. They are coming back this morning to do presents.

The problem is I don't want to see SD. I'm happy for her to be here, see her dad, have Christmas etc. But I just want to stay out of the way. I've been told by everyone that "it was just an accident", "he's just a dog he'll be ok" and "don't make the child feel worse".

I know I'm an adult but I'm shocked / sad too. None of the real consequences of what happened fall on SD. Her persistent lack of ability to do as asked always seems to affect things of her brother, did or I. This is the worst yet though.

I just want some space to get over my own feelings. I can't see her yet. DP isn't forcing it but his family & the kids' mum think I'm awful.

newNN thanks for articulating what I've been feeling throughout this thread but couldn't put into words.

The level of minimising and excusing on here is staggering. The OP is extremely upset, and with good reason. She hasn't bollocked her step-daughter, despite having good reason to. The best course of action she could see was to stay out of her way as much as she could, and she asked for feedback on here as to whether that was reasonable.

Well yes, fury is also dramatic.

I'm talking about the 'this generation is doomed' stuff.

People are saying 'She's 9 - She has no excuse!' I have a 9-year-old who happens to be very sensible but they are still prone to silliness at that age.

I'm sure wanting the puppy to jump into her arms seemed like a great game at the time (bloody Youtube is full of videos of cats and dogs doing things like this).

What the DSD was totally wrong, disobedient and dangerous but it wasn't a malicious act. She didn't kick the poor thing or throw it down the stairs.

I would be incredibly angry and disappointed in OP's shoes but isolating yourself from the child accomplishes nothing here and I'm confident no one on this thread would do that to their own children on Christmas day. (I'm aware the OP ended up not doing this).

I would also be angry at myself for leaving the puppy alone with a child who doesn't follow instructions.

I can compeltely understand her mother and family being annoyed when they were told OP was planning to avoid her all day. DSD needed a proper punishment not mind games.

Hello again.

I think this thread needs to be allowed to go away now. I'm so grateful to the people who have seen it for what it was, taken the time to read my post and not add 'extra' to them or infer feelings that I have not expressed.

Thanks to the earlier comments, I was able to see that I had to get over my initial feelings, see my SD and not allow this to become a source of resent. Yes, I said I didn't want to see her and that was my gut feeling when things were just happened and it was raw. I did not act on those feelings, I sought guidance and a space to let out my frustration.

I have been called abusive and an 'arsehole' for a course of action that I did not take. That is beyond hurtful. The evening of the day of the accident, I was still sat doing all the right things, wrapping presents for the sKids and making sure that plans for Christmas Day were as little affected by the incident as possible. At that time, I just felt very fragile and unable to deal with my shock/upset at what had happened.

OH and I have decided that we'll ask SD to write down what happened, why she did what she did and what she thinks the consequences have been. Then we know what we need to explain to her based on her understanding of everything.

I reiterate, I did not ignore her, have not been angry with her, I did not shout at her and I have not treated her any differently, other than been a bit quieter than usual I guess. My feelings were all over the place at the times I've been writing and I came her for an 'external view' to help me do a close to what's best as possible.

^I would also be angry at myself for leaving the puppy alone with a child who doesn't follow instructions.

I can compltely understand her mother and family being annoyed when they were told OP was planning to avoid her all day. DSD needed a proper punishment not mind games^

On these two points - for the former, believe me, I haven't stopped blaming myself and beating myself up for not being quicker. It happened in 30 seconds. I thought SD was just going upstairs and the puppy was in the room with me. I saw him leave the room and make sure the stair gate was closed, but I was just a fraction of time too slow.

For the second point, OH's ex and family weren't told I was planning to avoid her all day, just that I might take some 'time out' now and then as I was upset about what had happened and struggling to deal with my immediate feelings.

If you've handled DSD with half the grace and maturity that you've shown on this thread then everything's going to work out just fine.

OMG your poor puppy - that's awful, and I am going against the grain here saying that a 9 year old should really know better and especially when she's been told not to do something so silly. I think you and your OH need to sit them down when the excitement of Christmas is over, and explain that you are both very upset and sad that the puppy got hurt and has had a horrid Christmas being at the vets. And under no circumstances are they ever to play with the puppy again unless one of you is present. You don't need to punish them but I wouldn't let them near it again for a while, and perhaps crate/stair gate pup in another room if the children are there. I'd be absolutely furious as my dog is my world, and even my grandson who is 3 knows that if my dog's in the room and he gets near a toy or on a playmat near him, he tells me to move the dog or call him away, he knows he's never allowed to push or pull the dog for both their safety!!

Do hope your puppy makes a full and swift recovery OP.

I haven't stopped blaming myself and beating myself up for not being quicker. It happened in 30 seconds.

I can imagine it did.

You know that was pretty shitty of me to say - Sorry OP.

If you've handled DSD with half the grace and maturity that you've shown on this thread then everything's going to work out just fine
A million times, this!

Happy Christmas OP , and hope the puppy recovers well and is soon home and happy again. You come across as a nice and sensible person, I hope this rather epic thread hasn't caused u too much extra stress

Your post of 19.00 shows what a great stepmother you are

I think you are in the wrong for not supervising a 9 year old (especially one who can't following instructions) and a dog. It could of been a lot worse.

But I adore all my pets, they are part of the family in this house. They in some ways come before the people (eg no breakfast until the animals are fed). Your SD needs to understand what she did has caused the puppy physical pain and you emotional pain. At 9 unless she has some learning difficulties she should be able to understand that and give a dam heartfelt apology.

Lemon you clearly haven't read my post of 26-Dec-@ 19:04 which pretty much responds to your first line, but thanks for popping on to kick me while I'm down.

I will not get an apology from SD, both her grandmother and mother are firmly in the 'it was an accident and me being upset about it is only making SD feel bad' camp.

I've done, and will continue to do, what is needed to maintain the relationship with SD, given her age, but for now I am focussing most of my energy on making sure puppy gets well.

Well she has two parents. Maybe it's time her father grew a pair and contributed his opinion. Especially as it's his (and yours) house it happened in.

So they think she shouldnt be upset?
Christmas as usual and the OP has to just get over it?

Only on Mumsnet.

Only on Mumsnet.

Sadly not . That's the reality for all too many stepmums in the world who are expected to put their own feelings, lives and basic needs to one side in order to ensure their precious DCs don't experience any discomfort or unpleasantness.

OP I hope I am HALF the stepmother you are. Well done on your management of a very sorry situation for all involved AND on your management of this thread. In your shoes I would have been spitting nails after such an event, and it is absolutely appropriate that you used MN as a place to vent while you took time to cool down.

To anyone that thinks this couldn't have happened to any one of us - dear god, it was simply awful luck on the back of enormous irresponsibility from your DSD. To suggest that you could have stopped the chain of events after warning her again and again NOT to open the stairgate is ridiculous. This is family life every day.

I hope your lovely puppy is feeling ok, and that you are getting very cosy cuddles from the wounded soldier.

On these two points - for the former, believe me, I haven't stopped blaming myself and beating myself up for not being quicker. It happened in 30 seconds.

I think this says it all. 6 pages of debating whether it was an accident or not, recklessness or disobedience, when really, the core of the issue, besides the fact that one consequence that can't be debated is that the poor dog ended up the victim and the one suffering, is whether this child felt any sense of responsibility/guilt/remorse for what happened.

Your few words here shows that you failed the dog such as much as she did. You knew she wasn't obeying her orders and yet didn't monitor her, so you too is responsible for what happened. But accidents (ie, in your case, not being quick enough) do happen. Thankfully, in this case, it wasn't deadly.

However, you admit here (although not so much in your previous posts) admit that feel guilt and remorse. What is concerning is that your post seem to hint that your SD didn't/doesn't so much and that's much more worrying than her lack of obedience/lack of awareness.

I personally would have dealt totally differently when it happened and what I certainly would have done is taken her to the vet so she could witness the outcome of her actions. Seeing the puppy getting injections, crying in fear in your arms, that might have made her realise what she really did and been her biggest punishment knowing that she had caused it.

As it is, I would take her when the puppy is being picked up and ask the vet in advance to make a point of what treatment the puppy had to receive and how it could have been worse, so again, the severity of her actions might register.

You can tell her that she did wrong, you can punish her as you want, but if she is an average caring person as you would expect at 9, then fully understanding what the puppy went through will be a much more striking punishment.

Be upset with her. Let her know the dog is at the vets and is in pain.

But, don't go on about it with her. She did something stupid, but irrespective of how many times she's been told not to do it, she didn't know it could result in such a situation.

Trust me. I've made the mistake of dwelling on a child / animal harmed situation. Unless the child actually knowingly intends harm, then find a way to bring your emotions down about it.

what I certainly would have done is taken her to the vet so she could witness the outcome of her actions. Seeing the puppy getting injections, crying in fear in your arms, that might have made her realise what she really did and been her biggest punishment knowing that she had caused it.

In contrast, I wouldn't have wanted a child of that age, who was incapable of following direction, anywhere near me. My one and only consideration would be my puppy - not the DC of my DP.

Imagine if she hadn't shown remorse in those circumstances?

Your few words here shows that you failed the dog such as much as she did. You knew she wasn't obeying her orders and yet didn't monitor her, so you too is responsible for what happened. But accidents (ie, in your case, not being quick enough) do happen. Thankfully, in this case, it wasn't deadly.

I'm not sure where you get any of that from what I've written. I followed SD out of the room because I was monitoring her. My speed was based on the fact I trusted her to follow instructions re dogs on the stairs but knew that I should keep an eye on her based on previous form.

I have expressed my upset/regret for any part I played in this, albeit I entirely reject your suggestion that I failed the puppy as much as SD did.

And in a similar response to a previous poster, given I've already acknowledged my feelings, I do hope you get something from continuing to assign blame to me, in case I hadn't already got the message from the number of posts calling me all sorts.

I'm not going to continue to respond to people who choose to ignore what I'm writing and base their posts on their own version of events. However, I remain grateful to the people who have seen the purpose of my OP and helped me sort my feelings out so I can get through this and not damage my relationship with SD.

Stupid comment from swingofthings re monitoring your SD. It's impossible, and shouldn't even be necessary, to shadow your SD the entire time she is in your home. I certainly have never done that with my children. They know what's right and wrong at 9, and I would be very angry that her silly thoughtless action resulted in injury to your puppy. What if it had been a toddler she was encouraging to jump down the stairs? You would hope that she might have now learnt a lesson, but doubtful with her DM and other family making excuses for her bad behaviour.

It's impossible, and shouldn't even be necessary, to shadow your SD the entire time she is in your home.

I mentioned upthread that I was flamed on MN a few years ago for saying that I closely supervised DHs DS around my own dogs - apparently, I was abusive for expecting him to remain upstairs until an adult was up to let the dogs out first thing in the morning.
Can you imagine the comments if a stepmum posted that she made sure she eyes on her DSC at all times in communal areas of the home? She'd be torn to pieces, accused of making the DCs feel unwelcome and told to stop putting her animals before DCs, as has already happened on this thread.

It really is one of those issue that people don't realise causes so much grief for stepfamilies. Pet ownership is such a personal and emotive thing - and if regularly visiting non-resident DCs have been taught differing values towards pets in their resident home, or have no experience other than YouTube videos, then the stepmum is always going to be the bad guy if she tries to educate them, but at the same time, she can't protect her pets from the DSC without being viewed as a wicked stepmum either.

How is the pup now, OP?

Feel for you.

Agree with your post NewNN

Non resident children around family animals is a tricky one. You can't assume that a child will be kind and thoughtful with animals. We had a long term foster child placed with us a few years ago. She was matched with us and described as being mad about animals and a real animal lover. Within a week we discovered that she was certainly drawn to our animals, in fact would not leave them alone, but that she would hurt them, deliberately, the moment she was on her own with them. Our smaller dog became nervous and the larger one growled and threatened to bite her. We gave notice and the placement ended.