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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

When will they stop arguing?

82 replies

FoofLeakage · 17/12/2016 00:11

I've been with OH for almost a year. OH and his ex separated spring 2015. Their divorce has been long and full of mutual sniping, bickering, court cases (occupation order, child access, non-molestation orders). They slag each other off.

It's stressful to watch.

She files court cases against him monthly, and she calls the police on him for the slightest thing (e.g. bumping into each other in the street).

I feel like an accessory to some bizarre sitcom.

Veteran stepmums out there, tell me, when can I expect this to calm down? I split with my ex a year ago and we are now completely neutral towards each other. When spend so much time, energy and bitterness on someone from the past?

OP posts:

Report

Lunar1 · 20/12/2016 12:03

Relate with who, you or his ex?

FoofLeakage · 20/12/2016 12:03

Me! lol

OP posts:

Lunar1 · 20/12/2016 12:32

Your relationship is less than a year old, you should be in the fun bit right now. He's not over his ex, how will relate help with that?

I can't for the like of me think why you would go to relate over such a short term thing. Has it ever been good?

Fidelia · 20/12/2016 12:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WannaBe · 20/12/2016 15:40

This relationship is only a year old and you're already going to relate?

OP realistically, if you're already at relate a year in this relationship has no future. He and his ex will never stop arguing, no. He is obsessed with her to the point of parking outside her house, following her down the street, stealing her children's clothes, to the extent she applied for a non molestation order to stop him. The order might not have been granted, but that doesn't make the reasons for applying invalid.

Where are your children's father in all this? Because frankly if I had an ex who was seeing someone who appeared to be dangerous enough for his ex to be seeking a non molestation order I'd be looking at reducing the amount of contact they had with my children. This isn't just about you. This is about your children as well, children who might well be in danger years down the line when it's too late.

Get out now while you still can.

JenLindleyShitMom · 20/12/2016 15:43

They slag each other off.

They. Your partner is slagging off his ex, the mother of his children. That's what you can expect when you are no longer sharing his bed. Yuck.

FoofLeakage · 20/12/2016 16:48

I'd be looking at reducing the amount of contact they had with my children

On what grounds? What a mean spirited thing to say. I have done nothing wrong.

Your partner is slagging off his ex

Erm....yeah. It's not that uncommon. Exes slagging each other off. Who would have thought it!

OP posts:

JenLindleyShitMom · 20/12/2016 16:53

Erm....yeah. It's not that uncommon. Exes slagging each other off. Who would have thought it!

so why are you so stressed by it? If you think it's fine? You say yourself you and your ex don't. Did you? Maybe you and partner are well matched. I don't slag my EXp off and believe me there is plenty I could say.

FoofLeakage · 20/12/2016 17:02

I don't slag my ex off either. I did when we first broke up but after a few months I felt nothing but neutral towards him.

Hence making this thread - this seems to be dragging on longer than I'm familiar with.

For those commenting on Relate, surely that is the sensible thing to do?

OP posts:

stitchglitched · 20/12/2016 17:06

No the sensible thing would be to ditch him and do some work on your own issues and your self esteem as you've been told on all your other threads.

Underthemoonlight · 20/12/2016 17:07

It's early days op and it sounds as you've got together relatively quickly that the DC in the current situation haven't been able to give much thought and feelings on the matter it's complete madness to consider blending your family's when the split is very raw for them. Your posts sound familiar to me have you posted under another name?

needsahalo · 20/12/2016 17:09

What reason does he have to be parking near his ex's home? Younreally need to read between the lines.

FoofLeakage · 20/12/2016 19:55

What reason does he have to be parking near his ex's home?

It's a city centre and the only free space close to his work. It's not illegal.

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 20/12/2016 20:07

Have you posted as georgiebager op a lot of your details are similar the parking near the house the non molesation order etc

elliebellys · 20/12/2016 20:43

Underthemoon your spot on.op why won't you listen to what posters are continuously advising you on every post.your vulnerable and this man is not good for you.

FoofLeakage · 20/12/2016 21:34

I know guys, I know.

I'm weak. Pathetically so. Every time I try to pull away and end the relationship, he sucks me back in. I take full responsibility for being this naive and easily led. Breaking up is so difficult for me.

Turns out he CBA to do anything for xmas day so I'm going to my mums.

OP posts:

Underthemoonlight · 20/12/2016 22:33

YOU need to get out for the sake of your DC and focus on them this man is toxic and abusive especially given the information you posted as geordiebadger for your own mental health he isn't the person for you to be settling down with.

WannaBe · 21/12/2016 00:01

"On what grounds? What a mean spirited thing to say." on the basis that you are prioritising your relationship with an abuser over the welfare of your children.

I have no idea of the back history here, but from this thread alone, you have minimised the fact that his ex has applied for an occupation order and a non molestation order as the ex being the crazy one, and no, on the whole it is not normal to slag off one's ex, in fact doing so is generally seen as a bit of a red flag, along with restraining orders and occupation orders and such like.

This woman is prepared to pay to go to court to keep applying for these orders. Do you really think that someone who is just out for revenge would constantly put herself through that? And if she's not paying and in receipt of legal aid, then there is obviously a history of DV, as iirc only DV now qualifies for legal aid.

Have you considered doing a Claire's law search to see whether your DP has any kind of record for violence? Because at this stage I would.

You barely know him. A year is almost no time at all. Yet the woman who was with him for the longest time, and knows him the best, is mother to his children wants to prevent him from coming near her, had to apply for an occupation order to be allowed back into the family home, and doesn't want him seeing his daughter. She knows him well and doesn't trust him. What does that tell you? Genuinely tell you? If this was a friend would you blindly be believing that the ex was the mad one as she told you that this lovely man who has obviously done nothing wrong has this mad ex who has applied for all sorts against him and is so intent on keeping him away from her and her children that she is constantly back in court? Would you believe that he was an innocent victim and she was a psycho? Be honest, with yourself if not with us......

The red flags are obscuring everything here, and you have the power to walk away. But if you don't, if this man is an abuser as appears to be the case and your children get caught in the crossfire, then you are also culpable, given that the signs were all there and you chose to ignore them.

FoofLeakage · 21/12/2016 00:22

She was very quiet before I came onto the scene. Strange that.

Once she left him, she was quiet for a year until it became apparent I was on the scene (I met his daughter).

Now all these court orders. Strange.

She only wants back in the house now because she knows I am there, and because she knows our children play fantastically together and she's jealous of the contact I have with her daughter. And jealous of the fact that her daughter likes me.

OP posts:

elliebellys · 21/12/2016 00:51

Foofleakage. Just re read all your other threads.its not her jealousy at all.your dp was constantly texting her all day everyday.hes even called you a psycho aswell as the ex.you only see what you want.open your eyes .protect yourself.

JenLindleyShitMom · 21/12/2016 00:52

She was very quiet before I came onto the scene. Strange that.

According to who...?

JenLindleyShitMom · 21/12/2016 00:54

Also, what happened between 9.34 and 12.22 this evening? There is a really clear change in tone in those two posts. Did he find out about this thread?

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FoofLeakage · 21/12/2016 01:08

According to who...?

It was only when I met his daughter that she started with the police & court. We had several months of peace before then.

Relate is tomorrow. I would be ever so grateful if you guys could help me put together a bullet-pointed list of concerns.

OP posts:

JenLindleyShitMom · 21/12/2016 01:24

So did he not park by her house for the entire year before you came along? Why did he start doing it when you came along?

Also, you seem pretty sure of why she has a problem. What was the point of this thread?

Underthemoonlight · 21/12/2016 07:45

Op he was trying to get you to wear his ex wife's clothes, he was messaging her parking outside her home is by far creepy.

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