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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Step-parenting

When will they stop arguing?

82 replies

FoofLeakage · 17/12/2016 00:11

I've been with OH for almost a year. OH and his ex separated spring 2015. Their divorce has been long and full of mutual sniping, bickering, court cases (occupation order, child access, non-molestation orders). They slag each other off.

It's stressful to watch.

She files court cases against him monthly, and she calls the police on him for the slightest thing (e.g. bumping into each other in the street).

I feel like an accessory to some bizarre sitcom.

Veteran stepmums out there, tell me, when can I expect this to calm down? I split with my ex a year ago and we are now completely neutral towards each other. When spend so much time, energy and bitterness on someone from the past?

OP posts:

Report

neonrainbow · 18/12/2016 08:23

You don't want the ex hanging around? Find a man without kids. She will ALWAYS be in the background to some extent.

FoofLeakage · 18/12/2016 12:17

Until the divorce actually happens no one can make a clean start. In our case that was 4 years after she moved out of the family home and three years after we met.

What was it like for you during that time?

OP posts:

FoofLeakage · 18/12/2016 13:00

He's now all huffy and dishing out the silent treatment because I dared to share my discontent with him.

OP posts:

PatriciaHolm · 18/12/2016 13:18

If they have children, then this will essentially never end. They will always have to be in contact. Can you deal with that?

satinthedark · 18/12/2016 14:01

Foof - did not say you were the OW.

They split 18 months ago and you and DP have been together for a year, ergo you got together pretty damn soon after the split - no wonder you are seeing the fall out.

although how they split a year before you ever knew OH existed and you two to have been together for a year - is v hard to comprehend.

They have kids and no you are never going to be part of a family where the EX is not around. Reality check. Likewise your situation with your EX - he is still around, seeing DCs etc etc.

things take time for all sorts of reasons

WannaBe · 18/12/2016 15:24

I would be questioning what the real story is behind this, on both sides. Someone seeking a non molestation order and preventing access to children goes a bit deeper than bickering and sniping, and I would be wanting to know what has brought her to this, not from him, but maybe even from her, or from family.

It goes without saying that someone is always going to paint themselves in the best light possible, but going to court on a monthly basis and seeking a non molestation order are at the extreme ends of acrimonious, and I imagine it's unlikely he is an innocent victim in all of this.

FWIW not wanting to have an ex on the scene is not possible when there are children involved. Based on this alone I would suggest this isn't actually the relationship for you.

tattychicken · 18/12/2016 17:30

Also why did she have to get an occupation order to get her and the children back in the family home? Why didn't he move out in the first place so the children could stay in their home? Coupled with the non mol order, successful or not, and the police involvement, I'd be running a mile. I suspect he's a bit of a twat.

FoofLeakage · 18/12/2016 20:45

Why didn't he move out in the first place so the children could stay in their home?

They have 50/50 shared custody. Why should he do that?

OP posts:

WannaBe · 18/12/2016 21:36

So, when you met they had only been split for six months, they had 50/50 shared residence of the DC (according to him,) yet since then she has:

Taken out an occupation order on the house

Stopped him from seeing his daughter

Applied for a non molestation order.

How much of this have you heard from sources who are not him, because frankly there are so many holes in the account of events you seem to believe that anyone should be able to see straight through it, and him.

I would guess that the alleged 50/50 residence of the children was something he thought should happen rather than something which was agreed by the courts, given they were only actually separated at this point and divorce was not yet final.

Why did she move out of the house? Was she afraid of him? What did he do to her that she felt the need to move out and gain an occupation order? Coupled with applying for a non molestation order it sounds to me as if there is some kind of history of violence or emotional abuse at the very least.

You've only been together for a year. If he's violent or EA you won't know that yet. Yet his history and his ex's reaction to it tells a different tale.

satinthedark · 18/12/2016 23:06

Wannabe - I think you summed it up completely

Whilst we never get the full picture on these fora, there are so many holes in this story I am very sceptical.

Something big happened, what exactly we do not know but it is v unusual for the woman to be made to leave, go for an occupation order and get it if something wierd had not gone on /is going on.

OP - I would run a mile

eyebrowsonfleek · 19/12/2016 12:08

Totally unreasonable to expect the ex not to be around when there are kids involved.

There is clearly more to this story than you've said and I would bet anything that the ex would have a different story. I bet that a lot of the anger is based on the fact that she had to leave the formal marital home with the kids and take legal action to move back in.

I think that you should take his treatment of his ex as a warning to what will happen if you have a child with him and split. If someone says that their ex is crazy there is always more to it than that. They might be narcisistic but it's also a cliched way to shut down conversation about the ex's behaviour and make your reputation as a good person remain in tact. The truth is normally more on the lines of "they are angry at me because I XXX"

FoofLeakage · 19/12/2016 20:54

WannaBe He has 50/50 custody via court order and he definitely maintains it.

it is v unusual for the woman to be made to leave

Made to leave?

I think that you should take his treatment of his ex as a warning

What treatment? The non-molestation order was thrown out of court.

OP posts:

needsahalo · 19/12/2016 22:57

Have you seen the non-mol paperwork?

tattychicken · 20/12/2016 08:19

If she was able to live safely at the family home with the children, she wouldn't have needed an occupation order. The non mol order wasn't successful, but why on earth would she jump through the hoops and cost of applying for one if she felt safe and unthreatened by your DP?

People are trying to help and warn you that all is not as it seems with this man. You seem very determined not to take anything on board. Fine if it's just yourself involved, but you have children. Why on earth would you drag them into this unholy mess? This man has huge question marks over his character and temperament, you know very little about him having been with him a short time, and you are already blindly accepting his version of events when strangers on the Internet can clearly see all is not as it seems.

iremembericod · 20/12/2016 08:26

You are being very naive op

FoofLeakage · 20/12/2016 08:31

The non mol order wasn't successful, but why on earth would she jump through the hoops and cost of applying for one if she felt safe and unthreatened by your DP?

She is unwaged. It cost her nothing.

So, are you all implying that my DP is still (assuming he ever was) making her life hell somehow behind my back?

OP posts:

FoofLeakage · 20/12/2016 08:34

Have you seen the non-mol paperwork?

Yes actually, I saw it at the time. It was fickle (he parks close to my street; he has stolen the kid's uniform), probably why it was thrown out of court.

Why are you guys siding with his ex? Based on what info?

OP posts:

LineyReborn · 20/12/2016 08:48

I'm wondering, do you know the circumstances under which the Ex left the former marital / co-habiting home with the DC? That seems important.

stitchglitched · 20/12/2016 09:07

Was it you who had the thread where she had basically fled and all of her possessions were still in the house? She was going for a non mol and an occupation order. He wanted you wear her clothes. If so he is really not over her and you are mad to have blended your families so quickly, and in another woman's home.

Fidelia · 20/12/2016 09:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 20/12/2016 09:37

Was it you who had the thread where she had basically fled and all of her possessions were still in the house? She was going for a non mol and an occupation order. He wanted you wear her clothes. If so he is really not over her and you are mad to have blended your families so quickly, and in another woman's home

Crikey this is awful I'd be running an absolute mile OP if this is you, this does not sound healthy for you or your children.

elliebellys · 20/12/2016 09:41

I think posters are wasting there time here.you just won't listen to what's being said.your dp is not over his ex.simples.that is clear from what uv posted prior to this one.op get yourself nd the dcs out of this mad situation ASAP.

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FoofLeakage · 20/12/2016 10:39

After much persuasion, he's agreed to Relate; if that counts for anything.

OP posts:

FoofLeakage · 20/12/2016 10:50

Btw, is the general answer to this thread: "No they won't ever stop arguing?"

OP posts:

tattychicken · 20/12/2016 12:02

bangs head against wall***

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