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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My Partner has told me he doesnt want my 11yr old DD to live with us

103 replies

justbeme · 16/02/2007 10:23

Since I moved area nearly 2 yrs ago, my DD decided she wanted to live with her Dad so that she didnt have to change school. This has broken my heart over time but she is really very stubborn. Im now 4mths pregnant with my partners child. Last night we had a big argument and he told me that there is no way she is ever coming to live with us (she's been making interested noises recently but the school is still an issue). He is 46 and never had children . Our house is normally very peaceful and he cant seem to hack the fact that the noise level goes up when she stays . He accuses her of mauling the dog all the time and screaming (whilst playing) . and he says that she is self centred and only ever rings me when she wants something . I ended up in the spare room for the first time ever last night - im so upset. Im jusy starting a new chapter in my life with him (baby) - would you all consider staying with a Man if he took this attitude? I feel very hurt.

OP posts:

FluffyMummy123 · 16/02/2007 10:24

Message withdrawn

beansprout · 16/02/2007 10:26

He is scared. He's about to have his first child and he thinks he is going to get another one in the bargain. Of course it's easier to be a couple than a threesome, but you need to both talk about it and work it out together. Ultimatums don't really help, you need to both work this out.

unknownrebelbang · 16/02/2007 10:27

Your child has to come first.

Cowardice · 16/02/2007 10:28

I can't believe you have to ask what to do. Your child comes first. Always. Every time.

MrsMills · 16/02/2007 10:29

Cannot believe this is an issue, could you really choose him over your daughter?

And what does he think will happen when you have his baby? He likes things to be peaceful and quiet - does he know anything about children?

Sorry to come across so abrupt but this isn't on at all.

FioFio · 16/02/2007 10:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted

FluffyMummy123 · 16/02/2007 10:31

Message withdrawn

beansprout · 16/02/2007 10:32

Hands up all those who have been in this situation..... yep, though so!

I'm not saying the OP should choose her DP over her DD (of course not), I'm just saying there is a lot to work out. People think that taking on other people's children is a doddle, even though they reserve the right to endlessly post on here about how hard it is just to raise their own!! Step-parenting is hard enough without the condemnation as soon as anyone steps out of line and says they find it very difficult. That's all he is saying, he's not about to make the OP choose.

Cowardice - just sit and talk about the whole situation, any concerns you both have, practicalities etc etc. Dsd has asked to live with us many times, usually because she just wants the reassurance that we would have her!

Cowardice · 16/02/2007 10:33

Some women just don't know how to live without a man, but you're sinking to new depths.. putting one above your 11 year old child.

Wait to the new baby arrives, he'll leave you anyway when the baby starts making noise.

beansprout · 16/02/2007 10:33

And did anyone catch the bit where Cowardice said she is 4 months pregnant?!!

beansprout · 16/02/2007 10:33

Not C - Justbeme!!! Sorry!!!!!

LIZS · 16/02/2007 10:34

even if you go along with it he'll have a rude awakening when the baby comes . An 11yr old would be much less of a shock imho. If it weren't for the baby would you stay ? His makign you choose is just not on , why on earth would you want to open a new chapter with him like this ? Sounds like a recipe for resentment and misery either way, sorry

taylormama · 16/02/2007 10:36

i would not stay with him - i would run a mile from him. He is clueless and he is selfish. He sounds emotionally damaged - leave while you can and before your self esteem hits rock bottom. There is a reason he is 46, and doesn't understand that children make a noise ...

brimfull · 16/02/2007 10:38

I feel very sorry for you dd,of course you should put her first,and he is being an arse to even suggest otherwise.

fortyplus · 16/02/2007 10:39

Hey, guys... aren't you being a bit judgemental here? Justbeme is 4mnths pg with a man she presumably loves.
Yes of course her daughter should come first, but surely the important thing is to gat her new dp to understand her feelings. He isn't a parent yet, remember.
Her dd might be making noises re: moving in because she is jealous of the prospect of the new baby.
Wouldn't it be better to explain to dd that it would be a bad time to move in just yet - it's an issue that can be considered when things have settled down a bit after the arrival of the baby.
Just trying to see both sides...

unknownrebelbang · 16/02/2007 10:40

Beansprout, justbeme stated that he said there was no way she was ever going to live with them. That sounds pretty definite to me.

No, I don't have personal experience of stepchildren, but my comment still stands.

Her child has to come first, along with the newborn when s/he arrives, and yes I did notice her say she was pregnant.

Glassofwine · 16/02/2007 11:00

My experience of step parenting is only that I have been the stepchild and therefore tend to side with the child. However you guys are being very harsh here, of course justbeme is considering her child. She said that her heart has been broken by her dd choosing to stay with her father.

We are not involved and so it's easy to say dump him, your daughter comes first. It's horrorific to think that someone you care about would say your child wasn't allowed to live with you. But this is what justbeme is dealing with, right now.

The man she loves, has presumably started a new life with, with all the excitement that brings has just brought her life crashing down with this comment. Don't you think that being as you are all so shocked by this that you could attempt to be understanding/sympathetic. The woman is hurt fgs.

beansprout · 16/02/2007 11:02

His comment was made in the middle of an argument - or do none of you ever say anything that you don't mean that is intended to hurt when you argue?!

mummylin2495 · 16/02/2007 11:05

if you take on a woman who has a child/children they come as a package,i think you need to discuss this very seriously as if he cannot accept your daughter may want to live with you there are bigger problems ahead.and with a new baby coming what is he going to do when baby is screaming its head off ??? In my mind its accept my daughter or ship out

FioFio · 16/02/2007 11:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

expatinscotland · 16/02/2007 11:07

He'd be at the kerb.

Sorry, but kids come first.

clarinsgirl · 16/02/2007 11:07

Why does he get to say who lives with you? Surely this is a joint decision? I have no direct experience of this but perhaps re-opening the debate when you're both calm might help you to work things out. Just re-read this and its sounds a bit patronising, I don't mean it that way at all, just can't seem to word it any better.

FluffyMummy123 · 16/02/2007 11:10

Message withdrawn

beansprout · 16/02/2007 11:13

I love the way that you lot are happy to break up families because he said something in the heat of the moment.

Amazing.

Twinkie1 · 16/02/2007 11:13

No I wouldn't stay with such a selfish man - when I met DH I had a 3 year old DD who I was fighting for custody of and DH always knew that regardless of what happened she would come first - your DD is your responsibility before him.

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