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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My Partner has told me he doesnt want my 11yr old DD to live with us

103 replies

justbeme · 16/02/2007 10:23

Since I moved area nearly 2 yrs ago, my DD decided she wanted to live with her Dad so that she didnt have to change school. This has broken my heart over time but she is really very stubborn. Im now 4mths pregnant with my partners child. Last night we had a big argument and he told me that there is no way she is ever coming to live with us (she's been making interested noises recently but the school is still an issue). He is 46 and never had children . Our house is normally very peaceful and he cant seem to hack the fact that the noise level goes up when she stays . He accuses her of mauling the dog all the time and screaming (whilst playing) . and he says that she is self centred and only ever rings me when she wants something . I ended up in the spare room for the first time ever last night - im so upset. Im jusy starting a new chapter in my life with him (baby) - would you all consider staying with a Man if he took this attitude? I feel very hurt.

OP posts:
Original poster
justbeme · 16/02/2007 12:26

no my partner didnt live with me b4 that - just stayed at weekends - and we've all had some lovely times together/holidays etc its just that my DD is stubborn and so is my partner and believe you me, I know that Ive got all the hormones and puberty to come (i was a cow to my own Dad when I was 15) and I know what were in for with a new baby ... But today I just feel that Im in the middle of everything and althought my DD hasnt chosen to move in YET I can feel everything brewing.

OP posts:
aquasea · 16/02/2007 12:50

I am shocked at how judgemental and vicious some people on this site can be. It is so easy to sit back and look at a situation and make rash decisions about what is "right" and "wrong". justbeme is in a terrible situation and I really feel for her. To the people who are plain rude and abusive, I hope you never find yourselves in a difficult situation or you might just realise that sometimes in life there are no easy answers and no clear cut right and wrong.

Dinosmum · 16/02/2007 13:01

Aquasea, who has been "rude and abusive"?

MascaraOHara · 16/02/2007 13:03

god I'm so bored of this spate of poorly made up threads.

and if it's real I agree entirely with Fios first post.

FluffyMummy123 · 16/02/2007 13:04

Message withdrawn

wannaBeWhateverIWannaBe · 16/02/2007 13:15

You need to have a serious talk with your dp, becaue not only does your dd come first, but this new baby does as well, so he will be demoted to 3rd in the pecking order once the new baby arrives.

Your dp needs to understand that your child comes first, and that if she wants to move in, then she will, and if he doesn?t like that, he knows where the door is.

Caligula · 16/02/2007 13:18

I think being in the middle of something like this is a nightmare scenario and only happens when the mother and father haven't worked out and agreed what their roles are. Really, you need to sort this out. Your DP needs to be the other adult in the household, supporting you, not another child for whom you need to have behaviour-management techniques.

sunnysideup · 16/02/2007 14:15

No, I would never consider staying with a man who took that view. Never.

You have to choose your child above a man.

HeartOnMyGreensleeve · 16/02/2007 14:25

Agree with cod's post. Nothing more to say.

Scootergirl · 16/02/2007 14:30

Surely at 4 months pregnant, justbeme is ALLOWED to be somewhat confused and hormonal about things.
Having said that, I'd kick him to the kerb too but cut the poor woman some slack.

mummylin2495 · 16/02/2007 14:37

the other problem is ,if your daughter comes to live with you would your dp treat your daughter the same as his biological child you are expecting ? FGS your daughter is a child and surely her needs come before yours or your partners.

expatinscotland · 16/02/2007 14:38

What's there to feel 'in teh middle' about? This isn't a tug of war between three teens. You're her mother.

Ladymuck · 16/02/2007 14:40

I think that you have abdicated too much responsibility to your dd. Even if you have split up with her father it shouldn't be her decision as to where she lives - this is an arrnagement which needs to be made between you and her father (and if necessary backed up by a court order). It may be the case that residency can be shared, but I think that for everyone's sake a clear decison should be made. You can't have 2 or more families disrupted by the whim of an 11yo, and it must be stressful (in different ways) for you and dp to wonder if she is going to move back.

Now in making that decision you have to factor in dp's views as well. It may be worthwhile getting some mediation or counselling, but at least if you are looking at making a decision for the long-term you can be more constructive. It must be unsettling not knowing if and when your dd might move back in, and if so for how long.

I think that some counselling may be worthwhile anyway, as you seem to have had very different views on parenting your dd in the past, and obviously with your own child you are going to have to come to agreement. I would recommend Relate.

Mumpbump · 16/02/2007 14:45

You are arguing about something which might never happen. I would shelve it for the time-being. Tell your dp that you don't want to argue about something which might never happen and that, if this possibility does in fact become a reality, you will need to talk about it more then, but in the meantime, you just want to focus on your new baby.

In passing, I have to say that I think he is in the wrong, but you might find that he has a greater understanding once he is a father himself...

LIZS · 16/02/2007 15:22

Is your dd likely to have to switch to secondary schools soon anyway as that would be the logical time to formally discuss a change to your current arrangements. Even if she stays put for now things could change again in the future and as her mother you cannot deny taking her views into consideration. The fact that this has only now become an issue voiced by your dp doesn't bode well for your future though, hypothetical or not, so I think you need to make it clear that the matter will not resolved just because you don't force a change now. Wish you luck whatever the outcome.

Caligula · 16/02/2007 15:26

Something else occurred to me - your dd can't be allowed to up and move home every time she feels like it. You and xp also need ot discuss any move and ensure that you support each other in not allowing her to play off one against the other, otherwise you'll have the "It's so unfair, I'm moving back home to Dad's" every time you tell her to tidy her room when she's a teenager. (Or he'll have it the other way round, if she stays at his. She has to know that the grass is going to be the same shade of green whatever house she's in.)

fizzbuzz · 16/02/2007 15:42

I thought the courts took the view that a child of 12 or above can choose where to go (mum or dad), but a child under that age is deemd to be still a child, and residency is awarded on that basis. Therefore at the moment your dd should be where she was originally.

I feel very sorry for her, her dad's partner has left with 2 potential stepsisiters, and you are pregnant. Where is she in all this?

FWIW, I have sc who live with us all the time, they are teenagers and it is hard, very hard work at times. However, they are my DP's children, and they came as a package with him. I could never, and would never say they can't live with us, it would break dp's heart, and it is just a scenario I cannot imagine having any part in. I have to put up with awful noise all the time, guitars, music tv all full blast, it drives me mad, but I just have to get on with it.

I think you need to ask dp why he feels like this, and also possibly how has he reached age of 46 with no dc's? Does he not like them?

I was seeing a guy when my ds was young, who told him to go and lie face down in a lake. My ds was 2 at the time, I hate that guy with a vengenance 11 years later, and broke it off straight away. If your dp loves you, he should accept your daughter fully as well.

I would talk to him about it all, but if you refuse to let your daughter come and live with you, then you have probably lost her. At 11 years old all girls are interested in babies, she might end up being a big help, if only your dp realises.

fizzbuzz · 16/02/2007 17:13

Did you not live with dp, when ds lived with you?

Aloveheart · 17/02/2007 12:38

my mum choose my step dad over my eldest sister and it's affected her ever since. Your children should always come first never a man, he'll have to get used to it or leave how every much you love him.

kittypants · 17/02/2007 12:42

whats he going to do when baby comes-noise will go up then.my children come first-if a man said he doesnt want them,i go with them.good bye!

tiredemma · 17/02/2007 12:47

No contest.

My child would come first everytime.

I could not ever live with a man so shallow.

ScottishThistle · 21/02/2007 00:55

I'd be worried he'd be leaving after baby arrives, doesn't sound like he wants children at all!

NurseyJo · 21/02/2007 01:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ScottishThistle · 21/02/2007 01:11

Hey Jo!...Catch you soon! (sorry for hijack also)

NurseyJo · 21/02/2007 01:11

This reply has been deleted

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