My Partner has told me he doesnt want my 11yr old DD to live with us

[justbeme]

Since I moved area nearly 2 yrs ago, my DD decided she wanted to live with her Dad so that she didnt have to change school. This has broken my heart over time but she is really very stubborn. Im now 4mths pregnant with my partners child. Last night we had a big argument and he told me that there is no way she is ever coming to live with us (she's been making interested noises recently but the school is still an issue). He is 46 and never had children . Our house is normally very peaceful and he cant seem to hack the fact that the noise level goes up when she stays . He accuses her of mauling the dog all the time and screaming (whilst playing) . and he says that she is self centred and only ever rings me when she wants something . I ended up in the spare room for the first time ever last night - im so upset. Im jusy starting a new chapter in my life with him (baby) - would you all consider staying with a Man if he took this attitude? I feel very hurt.

erm he knew when he started a relationship with you that you had a dd and that she would be part of the package. he can't just back out now. has she ever lived full time with you and your partner.

also if you are having a baby i think he needs to get used to the fact things are going to be pretty noisy in a few months time and yes babies also maul dogs! is he going to then say the baby can't live with you either

biologically speaking men come first, then children.... unless technology eventually overtakes the need for them.

I'm quite new to Mumsnet but also feel that some "advice"/comments I read on here are really very harsh and unreasonable.

Justbeme is PREGNANT with her DP's child, she has this child to consider as well.

Maybe your DP is freaked out about being a father for the first time esp at his age, and doesn't know if he can cope with two children in the house at the moment. Maybe he'll be more understanding as the baby is born and he can learn to be a parent and adjust to having a child around full time, and become more open to having your dd live with you also. Take it quietly and if the reason your dd wants to move in with you is feeling a bit insecure over the babe, ask her to help out decorating the nursery and treat her to a special gift as well.

I don't think the stepfather should ever have disciplined your daughternot when she was a cute little five year old, and not now when she is 11 heading for teenage angst. He is angry at you for not backing him up. My husband and I both backed each other up on discipline (it was hard sometimes!)but we were both parents of them! He is not her parent! Hands off!

HansieMom, you sound like a child. "I don't have to listen to you, you're not my parent". If there are 2 adults living in the house, regardless of being a parent or not, they both have the right to discipline ANY children living or visiting in that home. If my DSD pulled that stunt on me, as she has with her S-F, she'd get an earful.

I would without doubt be cross with my DH if he did not discipline my 6 year old - he is her Step father - we are a team and I think DD would wonder if he actually cared for her at all if he abdicated all responsibility to me.

What a stupid thing to say.

well dp was 32 when he moved in with me and the children who were then aged 11,14and 16 and he has no children either. He doesn't get involved with discipline but there is no way that he would have the option to say they weren't living here

initially they did stay a week here and a week with exh but after a two or three years he moved to HK so here permanently and we have muddled along

he does/did get fed up with teenagers..but who doesn't..though now they aren't home as much 9well theoretically) but I agree with fio children first

your partner will have to adapt

I'd say she sounds better off at her Dads, least she has stability with her school and friends there.

he may be a single parent but she choses him and is relatively setteled there.

she can't just move whenever she wants to, she will damage her education, and if your partners attitude is that bad she will get emotionally damaged with you, he doesn't sound like the kind of person who will love your daughter as equaly as his own child.

I feel really sorry for your daughter. I also feel you should be brave and leave her be.
Let her visit by all means but at least get used to having a baby around before you do anything.

well he is hands off in the discipline department..he supports me but doesn't see it as his place..and I think he is right he is concictent at least

and we have lived together 7 and a quarter years

tbh we didn't really have a pre living together period time either we just went for it

Its different when there are 2 kids with different fathers involved though.

There may be times with the babies father has to discipline the 11 year old if she is doing something that may harm the baby for example and the mum isn't around.

I am a stepmum to my dh's dd and he stepdad to my dc's, generally we try not to discipline each others kids but sometimes have to for safety's sake, I cannot chastise my dc's for doing wrong whilst letting my sd get away with it if her dad is out.

All families are different and have different dynamics.

haha

dp has now given up smoking since the world cup fight when he couldn't get off the sofa to earn money and i refused to buy ciggoies

maybe if your children are younger then it is different

older ones i think maybe the hands off approach is better

it can be irritating then

especially the there are no towels who has eaten the bread and not bought more taken my mobile ones

at times like living in a house full of students but maybe the age thing is a part of that as dp does team up on certain matters and i am the old mare

but to the op i think you need to have a big talk and whatever happens your dd should be always welcome as far as both of you are concerned..and don't get in the playing one off against the other mode

that is not to say by the way that ihaven't thrown one of mine out more than once to live with dad or mate but she knew it was me not dp and it was not wholly meant

Thanks for your comments - Some have been very harsh to be honest and some have been great - I copied and pasted some ideas to a word document and read them out to my partner . I told him how upset this has made me feel - I think he is mostly upset with me for not backing him up if he does tell her off. Ive told him that my daughter may never choose to move school and move back with me but if she does and he refuses this , then it'll be over.
I really think this new baby will be a shock for him . Ive also spoken to my DD and told her that she'll always be special to me as my first born and I wont love her any less when the baby comes along.
She said "when the babys here , I'd like to come and stay for 4 weeks in the summer holidays" to which my partner said "Its not up to you.......thats for us to decide". Ive told my partner that she'll be a godsend to us with this baby, she loves babies but we'll just have to see.........
On a footnote - one of his telling off episodes was when she was amusing herself with the dog whilst we were diy'ing, she had sat in the dog basket. My partner went mad and tipped her out, but I couldnt see the harm in it as the Dog wasnt annoyed. So thats the sort of thing that I just couldnt back him up with 'cos I felt it was unneccessary. Was I wrong?

No you were'nt wrong. I had one or 2 problems like this with my dh when we first got together, we talked things through and worked out what was and wasn't acceptable for us to say or do.

Generally he will mention to me if mine are out of order and ditto if his dh is, but he knows the ropes now if he is alone with all the kids and we seem to have a happy household.

well it's hard to say..I think having a dp who is laid back is easier, he just doesn't row or argue unless really pushed and then he withdraws

if your partner is quite grumpy then it's more difficult

possibly if he is quite grumpy then he needs to take the lead from you even more but don't go down the road of being more disciplinarian yourself to please your partner

justbeme - tell your DP too that if your DD turns up at 3am in the morning with her bags packed you will let her in no questions - he needs to learn that is what a parent is - it is not up to anyone - you should be there for her whenever.

and i think it is important for your partner to be involved with you and support you with dd

even if it is behind the scenes

dp does lots of positive things like lifts and lots of stuff with ds of a manly kind..they are mates and always have been

so he has to have a relationship with your dd but concentrate more on that than discipline itself

Oh he did question some of the advice from MN - the bit where people said you should never expect anything back from you step kids , just carry on giving yourself. He said that he would expect his child to be respectful of anyone - neighbour /friend etc so cant see how he should be expected to put up with my dd not being nice to him.

He's in for a shock when the baby comes along! We don't live in victorian times any more.

JustBeMe, do you want your DH to discipline your daughter? His methods are physical--he yanked her out of the dog's basket (sounds like innocent playing to me!)and forcibly took the phone away from her. He's got a temper, he has unrealistic expectations on behavior, he should keep his hands off of her.

Justbeme, I think you have had some very good and advice and some horrible undeserved harshness. But glad to see that you have managed to speak to your DP and DD, and things look slighlty brighter.

As for the respect... As much as I believe that incondintional respect is earned, there are some minimums that we all try to teach to our children (and husbands!). Respect goes both ways, both of them need to learn to respect each other in order for things to work.

Justbeme, i really feel for you.

My Dh is 39, i'm 25, i know some of how you feel, only the stepchild is his daughter.

I never wanted her to come and live with us, i love her, but i felt it would spoil what DH and i have.

I had our first child 6 months ago, and DH (despite already being a dad) found it very hard to cope with adding a Baby into the equation, but i WILL say this.. the time his Daughter has spent with us has been wonderful, she's been a godsend and made things so much easier having an extra pair of hands to keep baby amused.

I wouldn't say No now if she asked to move in, infact i'd jump at the chance to have her here because my DS adores her.

You and DH need to sit down and talk, you need to make it clear that she's your daughter and if she wants to live with you, she can.

Have just checked this thread and I never thought I'd hear such nasty comments on Mumsnet...do we only give people support when we entirely agree with them? Parenting is a difficult job, and step-parenting is even harder again, so can we please try expressing a little compassion and understanding? I live with my DP and step-daughter, and god knows, though I think she is lovely, it is hard work at times. I recently lost my first baby, and am finding it hard to get back to the routine of being a mummy-figure to someone else's child. If I am honest, I DO wish at times I had more time just for me and my partner, and it IS hard sometimes to love a child who isn't yours, especially if it is early days. It comes with time, but it is not always easy. Please don't jump to comdemn people who say things in the heat of the moment. I can't count the times I bitten my tongue to avoid saying something unfortunate.
But - we were going to have a child together, and I wanted us to be a family, with her, not without her. To be honest, I have found that I simply needed to get to a place where I accepted the reality of the situation and just got on with it. Yes, children (step and not) can be difficult and noisy and if they aren't yours this irritates you more than usual at times. But all children are there to stay and if you try to view things positively and enjoy them you are more likely to really feel it.
Try to reassure your partner (who is probably freaking out a little about baby too) that your relationship will not be subsumed by children, and that there will still be special time for you. I don't think he will make you choose between your child and him, he was just sounding off and needed to say all the unreasonable things that had been welling up inside him. And, let's face it, who hasn't done that? So let's stop being so judgmental and try and give more constructive advice than calling people names please.