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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My Partner has told me he doesnt want my 11yr old DD to live with us

103 replies

justbeme · 16/02/2007 10:23

Since I moved area nearly 2 yrs ago, my DD decided she wanted to live with her Dad so that she didnt have to change school. This has broken my heart over time but she is really very stubborn. Im now 4mths pregnant with my partners child. Last night we had a big argument and he told me that there is no way she is ever coming to live with us (she's been making interested noises recently but the school is still an issue). He is 46 and never had children . Our house is normally very peaceful and he cant seem to hack the fact that the noise level goes up when she stays . He accuses her of mauling the dog all the time and screaming (whilst playing) . and he says that she is self centred and only ever rings me when she wants something . I ended up in the spare room for the first time ever last night - im so upset. Im jusy starting a new chapter in my life with him (baby) - would you all consider staying with a Man if he took this attitude? I feel very hurt.

OP posts:

Caligula · 16/02/2007 11:16

Um, it's not just in the heat of the moment though is it? When her dd comes to stay he gets irritated because she "mauls the dog" and the noise level goes up?

The noise level is going to go up pretty sharpish when that new baby is born. If he doesn't sort out his attitude very soon, this relationship will so obviously not last, will it, because he won't stick around - he'll go and find somewhere quieter.

FluffyMummy123 · 16/02/2007 11:16

Message withdrawn

Caligula · 16/02/2007 11:20

Also he can't cope with the fact that a child is self-centred. Hello? That's what a child is supposed to be.

He's 46 and has never had a child. Whose idea was it to have this one? Is he looking forward to it?

expatinscotland · 16/02/2007 11:22

He's FORTY-SIX!?

And he thinks 11 year old are going to be quiet as church mice?

WTF?

Heat of the moment? You blurt something like this out during an argument when you're 46 and should have at least some form of self-control?

Imagine how this girl feels. I remember being 11. You're a mix of emotions and hormones. Capricious as the weather.

Thank God I didn't have a toerag of a Mum's boyfriend on top of that.

He sounds immature.

unknownrebelbang · 16/02/2007 11:24

I didn't say break up the family. I said the child(ren) had to come first.

Dinosaur · 16/02/2007 11:25

In answer to the OP - no, absolutely not. Children come first.

SSShakeTheChi · 16/02/2007 11:33

In my (limited) experience, pregnancies are often very tense times. Pregnant women are often more emotional than they would usually be and I've found that their partners often go completely haywire. Mine certainly did. He was a bundle of nerves.

Of course you will have to make your standpoint very clear. It's obvious (surely also to him?) that much as you may love him, your dd will always be welcome in your home - just as his dc will be.

I don't know where you go from here but I do feel for you. No wonder you feel hurt. GOod luck with everything.

NadineBaggottsmum · 16/02/2007 11:36

you're already heading for trouble if he can't bear the noise your dd makes. Does he think babies are mute?

Original poster

justbeme · 16/02/2007 11:41

Just taken the dog out as i knew this would make me cry.........
Just to clarify -
We've been togther 6yrs and this baby wasnt exactly planned but a nice surprise.
He feels that My DD has never respected him and I dont back him up when he tells her off. (I would if I thought I agreed with him but he jumps down her throat in a minute - )
I love my Daughter and have always told her that I want her to come back and live with me (she did for nearly 10 yrs of her life). But she idolises her Dad . (god knows why ).
So I didnt CHOOSE for her to move away and for the last 2 yrs, although heartbroken I've thought it best she makes her own mind up . Well, I can see that it could come to the point when this baby comes along that she'll want to spend more time here/move in and thats where the argument kicked in last night. I've told my partner that he knew we came as a package when we 1st went out together and believe you me - if he acted like this at the beginning then he would have been gone - but 6 yrs later, a life built (albeit one very important part missing), its not like dumping a new boyfriend is it?
Im picking my daughter up later for the weekend , so when we get home, it will be the 1st time I've faced him since this argument. I dont know what to do......

OP posts:

Dinosmum · 16/02/2007 11:44

Oh, what an awful situation for you .

I still think I would put my child first, though.

Original poster

justbeme · 16/02/2007 11:46

you mean "right thats it we're over if you feel that way" or wait and see what happens /if my DD ever chooses to change school and move in with me ?

OP posts:

sandcastles · 16/02/2007 11:47

Respect has to be earnt

Babies, as well as 11 year olds, make noise

He if thought anything of you, he would accept your daughter as part of his family

My stepdad took on a 8 & 10 yr old. He was around mid 40's when this happened. He had no children. He accepted us as he loved our mother (heaven knows why, but hey). We respected him as he never once made us feel anything other than his children. He is a great man. He & my mother are now divorced, but we keep in touch, as I know how important I was to him & he to me.

Caligula · 16/02/2007 11:48

justbme, I think it sounds like a major problem is that you haven't sat down with him and discussed his role as a stepfather and what your expectations of a child's behaviour should be. Of course you should back him up when he disciplines your child, but he shouldn't be telling her off for behaving as a child. TBH, this sounds like it should have been sorted out years ago - it sounds like you have completely different views on parenting and behaviour management and you need to agree them out now, not just for your dd, but for the new baby.

sandcastles · 16/02/2007 11:48

40s, of course

Tortington · 16/02/2007 11:49

how do holidays work?

i think the root of this is a fundemental misunderstanding of children - which is understandable considering he hasn't got any.

what i think he has misjudged is your love for your daughter and what i hope you do is make it clear that she comes first and in that light work together to resolve the issue.

i suggest if possible getting him to have contact with more children. volunteering, church group etc. youth clubs are probably not going to have him becusae they need a police check usually.- but you could ask.

LittleBoSheep · 16/02/2007 11:50

Your daughter must come first but I do think your DP has a MAJOR shock when the baby arrives...lets face it our patience at 46 is a lot less than at 26.

Your daughter at 11 may be making "noises" about moving in but perhaps she is anxious that she is going to be replaced by your new baby and just wants to be there to stake her claim?

Is there any kind of family counselling the three of you could have together - jacking in a 6 year relationship sounds drastic and counselling may help the 3 of you find some compromise you can all live with

OBVIOUSLY your daughter should always come first.

saralou100 · 16/02/2007 11:51

maybe point out to him that your 4month pregnancy is going to become a crying baby, then a noisy toddler and eventually an 11yr old child!

dp has a similar situation with his family (except he's 34) mil's husband is a pig of a man as far as i'm concerned... he tries stopping her from visiting us and is very petty... he never had children and doesn't understand. it is getting to the point where he wants mil all to himself and wants her to choose between them... it's so childish!

for example it was her 60th birthday last year, he refused to go to her party if dp was there! dp went, he spent a miserable night alone!

mil has been married to this man a long time and it's getting worse and worse.

do you think your dp will improve his attitude... can he talk reasonably and understand that your daughter is your no1 priority?

Molesworth · 16/02/2007 11:53

Oh dear, I would find it very difficult to stay in a relationship with a man who had this attitude towards my children

Is it possible that he will have reflected on the argument and apologise for harsh words said in the heat of the row?

expatinscotland · 16/02/2007 11:54

She'll a child, fgs. He's a grown man.

Children can't reason like adults, think like adults, and often don't act like them, either.

He's supposed to be a man, however, with the freedom that goes with that.

A child is pretty restricted in a lot of ways, and subject to the mercy of their parents and guardians.

PeckaRolloverAgain · 16/02/2007 11:56

If you have been togther for 6 years, has he at some of this time lived with your daughter? Did she move in with Dad at age 10?

What was he like with her then?

saffy202 · 16/02/2007 11:57

How long have you lived with your partner? If she is 11 and you have been with him for six years then there was a few years when she lived with you and your partner was around. How did they get on then?

Caligula · 16/02/2007 12:09

Agree that your DD may well just be staking her claim as well. But the fear of being displaced by a new baby is a real enough one for a child in a happy, secure environment; to one whose parents live apart and who may feel that her stepfather doesn't accept her, it must be a terrible fear. It's your job to make sure that she knows she continues to be as loved and valued and cherished as she always has been and the new baby is not going to change that. And frankly, it's your DP's job too, but from the little you've said about him, it doesn't sound like he's up to it.

Original poster

justbeme · 16/02/2007 12:15

All 3 of us lived together for 6 mths just before we bought our house . To be honest, that was the start of everything, and by the end of the 6 mths my DD was winding ME up! The one time that my partner stood up to her was the night she chose to live with her Dad (and then used the school reason once we moved area). She was nearly 10 and it was gone 2100 on a school night,when her phone (that her Dad got her) got a text - We told her to not answer and to turn it off and she wouldnt listen, so my partner snatched the phone off her... one phone call later to her Dad about what an awful man by partner was, was enough for her Dad to say "come and live with me" . I honestly thought "Go on then... see that the grass isnt greener ... and allowed it on the basis of a 3mth trial.... her Dad has since split up with his new wife and she and her 2 daughters have moved out (another reason my daughter wanted to live with him as she'd have instant sisters).

OP posts:

Dinosmum · 16/02/2007 12:17

So did your partner not live with you prior to that six month period, jbm?

Piffle · 16/02/2007 12:22

child comes first, if you put his needs above hers now, you are doing an IMO unforgivable thing
Parenting of teens is thankless, hard and stressful and my do pulls his hair out over ds (just turned 13) at times
Life would be easier if he lvied with his dad, which in all honesty he could do
But he is my son, he comes first and I would never put dp above him.
We have a dd together and are expecting no 3 next month
The brother sister relationship is awesome and this family would be much less richer without it.

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