My Partner has told me he doesnt want my 11yr old DD to live with us

[justbeme]

Since I moved area nearly 2 yrs ago, my DD decided she wanted to live with her Dad so that she didnt have to change school. This has broken my heart over time but she is really very stubborn. Im now 4mths pregnant with my partners child. Last night we had a big argument and he told me that there is no way she is ever coming to live with us (she's been making interested noises recently but the school is still an issue). He is 46 and never had children . Our house is normally very peaceful and he cant seem to hack the fact that the noise level goes up when she stays . He accuses her of mauling the dog all the time and screaming (whilst playing) . and he says that she is self centred and only ever rings me when she wants something . I ended up in the spare room for the first time ever last night - im so upset. Im jusy starting a new chapter in my life with him (baby) - would you all consider staying with a Man if he took this attitude? I feel very hurt.

I'm a stepmother and have been for six years, to my partner's daughter and FWIW the only advice I can offer is this: children need boundaries to feel safe and comfortable. Your daughter has had to cope with your break-up, living with a new stepfather, living with her father and a new stepmother and new stepsisters, who have now left, and soon back in with your, your partner and a new baby. And she's still only 11! What she propbably wants more than anything is stability with good clear boundaries and reasonable punishment if she oversteps them. Children need to have someone in charge - if they're from a broken home, they put on a face of bravado and they believe they have to make decisions on behalf of parents who don't do that for them. But what they want most of all is to be allowed to be the child they really are - and for parents to make important decisions for them. DO NOT LET THEM MAKE IMPORTANT DECISIONS. Your daughter is only 11 - act like her mother. Your partner may be panicking at the thought of becoming a father for the first time and he may be looking at your daughter more critically because he may be idealistic about how he wants his child to turn out. It sounds like you need to sit down and talk to him about this.

I was in a similar position with my mother. Her husband did not want me there-I stayed with my dad-but when I really needed to stay with my mum A level exams it really wasn't an option for me. I had to stay with a school friend's family!

I am now really struggling with the relationship with my mum. Since having my own children I am able to feel more fully how much she prioritised this man and I feel angry about it for the first time.

If you want my view you should NEVER make your child feel anything less than first in your list of priorities or you run the risk of damaging your relationship with her for a long time to come.

This is a difficult time for you-I wish you lots of luck in handling this difficult time.

hi, i think your partner would find it difficult when baby comes because of the noise, i hope for your sake he's not too set in his ways. As for your daughter she is probably better off were she is and im not saying this to be judgemental on you, i just think she is better staying settled in one place. When my marriage broke down my daughter was back and forth between myself and her dad, she was very unsettled + unhappy because of this(it unsettled everyone concerned). Then 18 months ago she moved back into her dads and i vowed never to take her back for two reasons 1) for her own sake she needed to settle somewhere and 2) i didnt want to continue to allow it to hurt my son with my partner and my two step children. My step daughter got particually close to my daughter and it hurt her so much. My daughter is now happy and settled with her dad and step family through making her settle down in one place, this is no disrespect to my parenting skills she just needed to settle down. If your daughter is settled she better off where she is