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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I know I am being unreasonable but...

58 replies

MsColouring · 30/05/2016 14:47

...I don't really want dh's ex contacting me on my phone unless it's an emergency. She couldn't get hold of dh this morning so phoned my phone - I didn't see it - it was on silent. She wanted to speak to dss - no emergency. Same happened on Monday, dh had gone out, dss happily playing outside and got phonecall and text because she wanted to talk to dss. She had had him the whole weekend.

I know I am being unreasonable and should suck it up but just feels like an invasion of my space. Today I am not feeling very well and last Monday I had been at work all day.

OP posts:

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AyeAmarok · 30/05/2016 15:02

Would it not be better long term if you and she were on good terms? Since presumably you're intending to both to be a permanent fixture in each other's lives.

If she calls too much generally when DSS is at his dad then his dad can raise the issue, but don't kick off that she's calling your phone.

OutToGetYou · 30/05/2016 15:10

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Dp ex kept making noises about wanting my phone number but I have never given it to her.

Arrangements are made between her and dp, who consults with or informs me as appropriate. I have no reason to speak to her.
She does call the house and of course I answer, but I avoid making any agreements, it's up to him to manage.

One time dp and I had agreed dss would not be in the house on his own after some bad behaviour by him and she decided he had to come to us at a time neither of us were here and not our regular day. I got so annoyed with her on the phone, she just kept saying "well, he's coming to yours" even though I explained we weren't here, I think we were both working (something she doesn't really know much about).
I got in a right grump with dp over it. Not his fault, not much he could do either really.
She's a manipulating cow. It's best I don't speak to her or I might just tell her this!

You're not her messenger, change your number.

lateforeverything · 30/05/2016 15:21

Personally this never bothered me when my dh's exw was still in touch with my dss but each to their own.

Also, it depends on a couple of things; how are things between you face to face and when she calls do you have a chat/small talk or does she just ask to speak to dss?

How many times a day does she usually call/text to either phone?

Mirandawest · 30/05/2016 15:25

I'm the XW in this situation. XH and DS have gone on a trip to see his parents and DD is doing a week long course at a local theatre group. XHs DW will be picking DD up and as its the first time she's done this kind of thing I was thinking of texting her (the wife) later on and seeing how it went. I very rarely text her but sometimes it makes sense for the two of us to be in touch. Not sure how she'd feel about it though and especially not after reading this thread.

MuttonCadet · 30/05/2016 15:30

In an emergency it's fine, just because she wants to talk, no.

lateforeverything · 30/05/2016 15:35

I really don't understand how someone can be in a long-term relationship or marriage with someone who has a child(ren) and refuse to engage with in phone contact with the other parent. I don't see how that creates a healthy ambience for the dc/dsc but perhaps I'm missing something

Original poster

MsColouring · 30/05/2016 15:37

I don't have a great relationship with her. All it comes down to is that we are very different. She is very extrovert and doesn't listen very well so I find her very difficult to have a conversation with. I also feel she doesn't respect our space e.g. will text dh constantly, walk into the house without waiting for someone to let her in. I am more of an introvert but in my job I have to be more of an extrovert all day so like my space at home. I also have a load of crap from my ex regarding my kids and am often not allowed to speak to them for days on end so don't have much tolerance for her giving dh crap (which isn't her problem, I know) I know how I feel is selfish but just feel I have enough going on without having to deal with her.

OP posts:

OutToGetYou · 30/05/2016 15:37

Miranda - why can't you text dd?

I guess if the kids are little it might be more appropriate, dss is 15 now and has had a phone the whole six years I've known him, so his dm can just contact him.

Or text your ex, he can ask his dw and then let you know?

lateforeverything · 30/05/2016 15:41

walk into the house without waiting for someone to let her in

OK that is definitely a bit too much!

I guess the best thing you can do is to ask your dh to make sure he's available on his phone as much as possible and to not leave his mobile in a different room/on silent etc. Perhaps he doesn't realise how much it bothers you?

OutToGetYou · 30/05/2016 15:42

Late - I dunno, maybe try using some imagination and not assuming all situations are like yours?
Dp's ex is selfish and manipulating and I don't want to have to deal with her demands. I don't see why I should, I didn't marry her and have a kid with her.
She also comes into the house (our house) without being invited and criticises it/us. As far as I'm concerned she can fuck off to the far side of fuck. Dp also dislikes this and often just shows her out.

She never want to to speak to dss btw, she just wants to tell me which other extra days she's dumping him here, or why she can't see him again for the umpteenth time. Last time she did this I actually just said "yeah, whatever, I'll tell dp" and put the phone down.

lateforeverything · 30/05/2016 15:52

Sorry to have got your back up Out, I was actually referring to another poster who just said a flat-out "No" to non-emeregency contact without any details at all.

I wasn't questioning you personally; you explained your situation. Apologies again that you seem to have taken it as a personal attack.

lateforeverything · 30/05/2016 15:55

If I'd been referring to you Out I would have done it in my first post. Apologies again for being unclear.

I was referring to MuttonCadet and was not intending to be at all goady!

Heavens2Betsy · 30/05/2016 15:56

I don't see why I should, I didn't marry her and have a kid with her
That's a nice attitude.
Her ds is your DSS and why shouldn't she be able to speak to him?
Why don't you get him his own phone then she can phone him direct

Mirandawest · 30/05/2016 16:01

My DD is 10 and does have her own phone but she rarely looks at it and so I don't know when she'd reply. And to me it seems a bit silly to text XH and ask him to text his XW when he knows I have her number.

But at least I've been guided by this thread that it would be a bad idea to text her

Matilda2013 · 30/05/2016 16:04

I personally have no issues contacting dsd mum while she's with us or while she's there. The parent who doesn't have her always likes to hear from her even if it's for five minutes. Also I don't mind texting her myself about arrangements for dance classes etc (sometimes it's just easier for me as I know the details. Dp is hopeless at remembering) but most other things I try to leave to them! But we are all very civilised about the whole thing although I still prefer that she isn't in my house

lateforeverything · 30/05/2016 16:05

Miranda as I said in my earlier post, I think a lot depends on your relationship with DW face to face.

At the end of the day it's just a one-off simple text so in your shoes I'd probably send it.

Querty12345 · 30/05/2016 16:08

Do you have a house phone she can contact her ds on? It's not unreasonable for her to want to speak to her son, she obviously needs a way of doing it when he's with you.

Querty12345 · 30/05/2016 16:11

And talking of the 'crap' you have going on: did you think it would be easy and smooth being with a man with a past and children and an ex wife? If you wanted the easy life you shouldnt have got involved with someone with this kind of baggage.

Waltermittythesequel · 30/05/2016 16:33

But at least I've been guided by this thread that it would be a bad idea to text her

Utter madness!

She's picking up your dd! How can it be U to contact the woman who will be with your dd at that time??

OutToGetYou · 30/05/2016 16:37

Heavens - he does have his own phone and has had all the time I've known him. She never contacts him. She makes arrangements with dp.
And she has frequently asked for my mobile phone number which I have refused to give her.
Dss has it and she has actually called me once despite me not giving her my number, she took it off his phone. He texted me to ask if he could come to ours as his sd was bullying him. Both myself and dp were working away, away overnight, not in the same place. So I texted back to him that we were away and to talk to his dm about sd. She saw the texts and phoned me to tell me dss was lying.

She's not worried that he feels bullied.

I don't want her contact ting me directly and I don't think there's anything wrong with that.

On the one hand stepmums are told to step back, but out etc, on the other we're told off if we don't want to be at the centre of everything facilitating contact for everyone, no matter how ghastly they are to us.

Original poster

MsColouring · 30/05/2016 16:51

'And talking of the 'crap' you have going on: did you think it would be easy and smooth being with a man with a past and children and an ex wife? If you wanted the easy life you shouldnt have got involved with someone with this kind of baggage.'

Was waiting for someone to come up with that old chestnut!

OP posts:

Mirandawest · 30/05/2016 17:08

Ah well DDs SM sent me a text letting me know it all went well . Still glad she sent it rather than me I think.

MuttonCadet · 30/05/2016 17:16

Well given that you've named me late I'll respond, we've had nothing but grief from DH ex, I wasn't the OW but you'do never know that from her behaviour.

I tried really hard at first, but the constant interruptions and criticism were wearing.

After 6 months of feeling sick every time my phone went I changed tack and refused to engage with anything other than an emergency. (None so far in 10 years).

So I think it's perfectly acceptable not to engage with someone who calls you unnecessarily.

lateforeverything · 30/05/2016 17:26

Good outcome Miranda

Fair enough Mutton definitely not her place to criticise.

Querty12345 · 30/05/2016 17:28

Ms it's not an old chestnut, it's true.

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