I know I am being unreasonable but...

[MsColouring]

...I don't really want dh's ex contacting me on my phone unless it's an emergency. She couldn't get hold of dh this morning so phoned my phone - I didn't see it - it was on silent. She wanted to speak to dss - no emergency. Same happened on Monday, dh had gone out, dss happily playing outside and got phonecall and text because she wanted to talk to dss. She had had him the whole weekend.

I know I am being unreasonable and should suck it up but just feels like an invasion of my space. Today I am not feeling very well and last Monday I had been at work all day.

"Her ds is your DSS and why shouldn't she be able to speak to him?"

I don't think anyone has said the dm can't speak to her ds have they? Only that we can't see why they need to go via us. They can call the house phone (if you have one - we do) or call the dss themselves, or call the dp. Plenty of options.

Dp's ex is very welcome to speak to dss, she just doesn't seem to want to. He lives with us now and she never calls him. I think she texts him now and then but never to see how he is, just to tell him to do stuff. As he is 15 most arrangements are easier now - but it wasn't always this way.

I always regret answering the phone when it turns out to be her. Dp had to text her the other day to say he'd collected dss from school due to a tummy upset - her immediate, and only, reply was 'I hope I don't get it'.
One time she phoned up and I answered and I think the only reason she called was to complain that the school had told them about condoms. I have no idea what I am supposed to say to her in that sort of situation - I thoroughly disagree with her opinions so don't want to agree with her and I don't want to get into an argument with her either. So why would I want to speak to her at all?

We have had the odd emergency, but funnily enough it is us who deal with it and who inform her, rather than the other way around (unless you count the time she took him to A&E on Boxing Day and insisted dp come down there to sit with him because he had a sore throat, which I don't!).

"did you think it would be easy and smooth being with a man with a past and children and an ex wife? If you wanted the easy life you shouldnt have got involved with someone with this kind of baggage."

Yeah, but the ex doesn't have to make it so difficult all the time, does she? I mean, she could just act like a reasonable human being. (no, I was not OW).

Querty - this kind of post always evokes your kind of response from someone who likes to take the higher moral ground. I was venting on a step parents forum to people who get how I might feel and fully accepting the way I am feeling is unreasonable. I gave up on ever having an 'easy life' when I choose to leave my ex-husband (and that wouldn't have exactly been an easy life either!) and accepted that my life was never going to be 'easy' whether I stayed single or entered into a relationship. Dss became partly my responsibility when we got married, his mum didn't.

querty do you feel the same about stepfather?

Seems a shame to relegate everyone that's divorced with kids to a life of solitude.

she could just act like a reasonable human being

Well yes, exactly. The mothers have a right to speak to their kids and the stepmothers have a right to be treated in a civil manner!

Mutton I didn't say live in solitude, the op said that she can't stand the crap so I simply pointed out that it's most probably a hazard of getting together with a person with that kind of baggage. I never said don't find someone new

🙄

I don't think you are being unreasonable, I would like my space in that way too, but if dsd is in your care then I don't really think the ex is BU either. I could never imagine a situation where I could not speak to a person caring for my child.

YANBU to want to be left alone.
When I was a SM I didn't mind dsc's mum ringing me or phoning me when DSC was actually with us, especially if ex was working.
But there was a few times where I just ignored my phone when either DSC or mum tried ringing when DSC wasn't with us. If it was important then I'm sure a text would have followed, but it never did. Which was good enough for me :)

"I could never imagine a situation where I could not speak to a person caring for my child."

I suppose this depends on their age. dss was 9 when I met him, he is 15 now. I made it clear to dp that me being left 'caring' for him was to be the absolute exception, not the rule. Thus the ex has no need to speak to me. Now he and I are often on our own, but again I'm not 'caring' for him - and she can a) call him on his own phone, or b) call the house phone and ask to speak to him. She does neither of these things, now and then she calls the house phone to rant at me or dp [whoever answers] about something. dp can deal with that, I don't see why I should have to. Thus she does not have my mobile phone number.

The thing that is also a bit different is that I don't have kids, so dss is the only one. We both work full time, I am often away for my work and I don't intend dss to limit my ability to go away or to do what I want. Dp also works away a bit. Last week he was away two nights. By agreement dss stayed here (he basically lives here and never stays with dm any more - though she has him next weekend as we are going away) with me as I wasn't away anywhere. But dp knows full well I get to say no if I don't want to be in charge of him - if there were other kids someone had to be looking after it would be a bit different, he'd just fit in with them.

I wouldn't mind her having my number if I knew she would only use it now and then but knowing she has a habit of phoning up to rave about random things, and that she can be manipulative with changing dates/times etc all the time, I don't want to be involved in that.

querty every step parent has to put up with crap. No-one likes putting up with crap.

Therefore, according to your logic. People should avoid being step parents.

Some of us fell in love in advance of spending time with the kids, to avoid damaging the kids by getting close to someone that then leaves them (bearing in mind that their parents have already split).

Some of us assumed that the ex would be okay with a stepmum coming into the kids lives, who cared about the kids and did their best for them, whilst treading the fine line between looking after them whilst not being a parent.

Some of us were wrong and are making the best of the situation for everyone involved.

MSColouring - it's totally fine not to want ExW phoning you - it's an interruption to your and DPs time with the kids and is overbearing.

A lot of separated parents do it, but it's not that great for the kids imho, although it's always touted as 'because of the kids'. It's not, it is for the parents. Most kids just want to be playing and getting on with time at one parents house without feeling like they have to speak to the other parent every time.

Miranda a text to SM sounds fine, but if you phoned her every time she had the kids, then that would be too much, don't you think?

I also think a good rule of thumb is if they are at a child minders/nursery. If this is a regular arrangement, then would you be phoning the child minder each time to talk to your kids? No probably not.

If it was the first time with the childminder? Or a long time? Then probably yes.

Some of us assumed that the ex would be okay with a stepmum coming into the kids lives, who cared about the kids and did their best for them, whilst treading the fine line between looking after them whilst not being a parent.

So why wouldn't op not be awkward and just let the child's biological mum speak to her son? It's controlling.

And no that is not my 'logic' I used it in context of this specific situation. Op made a point that she hates what she calls 'the crap' that you quite rightly point out comes with all step families... If she can't deal with it get off the pot. Simple.

Because when it turns out the ex is a nightmare why should someone answer their phone?

Who would put up with crap when they don't have to?

And whilst a stepmum should do their best for the kids, they certainly don't need to put up with crap from someone else's ex.

Touched a nerve have I? Thinking the ex is a nightmare is probably part of the job description when taking on a man with an ex wife.

Why would anyone want to purposely stop a child having contact with their mum and make it difficult? That says to me the step mum is more of a PITA than the the ex, but there we are...

By the sounds of things having a step parent is a rather traumatic experience. And the adults involved use the children to play games. Very grown up.

Querty - I wasn't purposely being controlling by not letting her speak to her son - I didn't see my phone until later. I just stated on here that I didn't particularly like it.

So next time a parent on any forum vents about anything to do with parenting - lack of sleep, trouble with weaning, education worries, teenage tantrums, would it be ok to say 'well, you knew what you were letting yourself in for? Step parents are allowed to vent too.

I don't think my dps ex is a nightmare --but then as with anything in life not all situations are the same-

God people really don't like step parents. Yes we sometimes get frustrated as do actual parents and surely it's better venting on here than to the children

But Ms imo there's no real reason not to like her wanting to talk to her son and using you as a way to do that. You are 50 per cent of the adults in charge of him when he is at your house and as long as she has exhausted all other option to speak to her son YABU. In fact. Even if she hasn't, it's her son, stop being awkward. It won't make your life any easier by making it difficult for her to talk to her son while he is in your care.

You can vent, yes. But as you said in your own thread title, you are probably being unreasonable...

Can ds have a mobile of his own for his mum to ring him if you really can't stand being contacted by the mum? Or does he have one but rubbish at answering it

As a compromise, what about if the child answers the phone if their mum rings the stepmum's phone? That way the stepmum doesn't need to engage with the mum and the mum still gets to talk to her child. Win win.

The stepmum has absolutely zero obligation to talk to the mum, especially when the child is not even with the Stepmum and the mum decides to ring/text the stepmum. If the mum needs anything then wait to talk to dad rather than pestering the stepmum!

You know what Querty - I don't need to constantly justify myself to a stranger on the internet who has formed an opinion of me based on the feelings I have expressed which haven't actually affected my actions.

MsColouring just ignore querty you are right she has made an opinion on step parents in general and nothing anyone says will change it.

I think biglettuce summed it up the best.
^I also think a good rule of thumb is if they are at a child minders/nursery. If this is a regular arrangement, then would you be phoning the child minder each time to talk to your kids? No probably not.
If it was the first time with the childminder? Or a long time? Then probably yes.^

Personally i think it is disruptive for the other parent to be calling in the middle of contact just because they want to speak to their child. That really is more about them than what is good for the child. If they child however wants to speak to their other parent im all for getting in contact with them via phone or skype, we did a lot of this with DSD when she first started coming to stay.

Ive only just this weekend spoken to DSDs mum about whether it would be ok for me sometimes to contact her directly regarding DSDs care rather than having to go through DH all the time. As i find DH either doesnt care to talk to her or doesnt relate the information very well. I was very reluctant to do that because i dont think she should have to put up with hearing from me and i dont want to intrude on her life. I will of course still only contact her when something is really important and I dont think communicating through DH will work.

OP I'm a resident mum and I don't even have my exsDw number we get on fine.I think he used her phone once to contact me when away on holiday to speak to DS but I never saved it. I wouldn't think to contact her even if I did have her number. I found it odd she would use you as a form of contact especially if she's seen her DS that weekend 🙄 Surely having your DPs number is enough and doesn't blur the lines. I would discreetly change it.

I've been wondering if stepdads get this shit. Neither I nor dp has sd phone number. If dss is left with him we don't phone him to ask what's going on or to speak to dss.
In fact, exw doesn't have a landline so dp only has the one number, hers, for when he's there.
I can't imagine this conversation going like it has done here if you replaced every mention of 'stepmum' with 'stepdad'.
Sd used to take dss to the football, sometimes whole days at a time, and dp would have had no way to contact sd. Oh the horror!