Step parents and school

[StepUpParent]

Hello everyone,
I am a parent of an 18 year old girl and step parent to a 4 year old boy.
I have been a 50/50 step parent for over a year now, my step son stays with us 50% of the time and I parent him exactly as I parented my own child (except I have to admit I'm a bit less uptight this time!)
My partner and I agreed before we moved in together that we would parent equally, and that we would back each other up etc. As you would expect, and we do, we are a great team. I am the main carer when our step son is here.
I take him to school, doctors, dentist, after school & weekend activities, parties, bath, bed feed, read, play, discipline etc. I am basically his mother when he's with us and he's amazingly settled and happy to be with us, there are no barriers at all and I love him very much, as he does me. But I feel really irritated that I don't get to go to parents evening, assemblies etc, and that his care isn't discussed with me. I don't have much to do with his Mum but we do speak, she tends to tell her son that she doesn't like it he talks about me and the such, which I understand, I would be a bit perturbed if another woman was parenting my child! But I haven't just come along and joined in at playing Mum, it was agreed by all three adults that there would be a 50/50 agreement which included me. The dynamics work really well but I'm worried that I'm becoming resentful because I feel it's important for me to be involved in things like his schooling. Obviously I do homework, reading diary, costume making etc!! . The teachers all know who I am and discuss any immediate issues with me when I collecting him but I feel like all my hard work, especially being a parent to a small child again after watching my daughter spread her wings, is not recognised as anything more than a glorified babysitter! I am feeling a bit used really I guess. I feel that I have earned the right to be involved in his school life without feeling like I am intruding. I truly believe that his Mum buries her head in the sand when it comes to recognising exactly how much I parent and I genuinely feel that's unfair. I selfishly feel like I am doing all the work without any recognition. When I consider what extra involvement I would like I try to think how I'd feel if I were in the same situation, and because I know I'd be a bit of a cow about it I guess I'm finding it hard to approach...

Not even sure if this post needs an answer or if it's rhetorical. I think I just need to get some stuff off my chest!!!! Any advice is gratefully received.

Whoa, I think this thread has got a little out of hand!

SUP, I think you are a nice person who cares a lot for your DSS (and yes that's what he's become, married or not). But it is true that a 50/50 arrangements are for the benefit of the child and his parents....so they can share his upbringing, and he gets to spend equal time with both parents! It's also true that SM's (and I am a SM) get a bad press and seemingly can't do right for doing wrong, but I do think if you're doing the majority of the parenting when he's in your home, then something is wrong! His father should be taking most of the responsibility, and I know he has to work, most of us do, but that's what the 50/50 is for!
As for some of the very harsh comments, there is just no need for it, the OP is here to get opinions not abuse!

OP - does your DSS's school restrict tickets to two per family (this is common, particularly with bigger schools where space is limited)? Is this why you are missing out on assemblies etc.? I speak as someone who's ex removes letters from children's bags and takes the two tickets for himself and his partner so I have to fight to get to see my own child in their Xmas play every year - and some years have been denied this opportunity (and we don't have shared care - not anywhere near it).

I am also perturbed by those posts which are somewhat scathing towards the mother in this situation - as if she has somehow given up some of her parental rights by agreeing to shared care. Genuine shared care is a difficult choice to make - just because a mother may have agreed to it in the belief it it best for her children, doesn't mean she is happy with it or wants it to happen. I have friends who do shared care - all of them hate it and all of them believe that new partners frequently try to come out on top rather than act in the children's best interests. It is not particularly 'natural' and really does require understanding on the part of the step parents (on both sides) that you don't stop being a parent just 'cos your child isn't with you. Some activities really are for parents only - and school parent's evenings are at the top of that list for me. You can be a family without forgetting that a child has another parent who has an equal right to share in the child's life.

Totally agree with you Wdigin2this and cannotlogin.

another person who can read minds and intentions?

I agree nativities etc are on a 2ticket per child basis and therefore tickets should be given to the parents not SP.

As someone who is going through divorce, someone else looking after my children makes me feel physically sick BUT I also think you should be thanked for doing a great job and caring. I would appreciate that you care and that if my kids weren't with me, I would hope they had someone like you looking after them. I might not say it, but I would appreciate it and I am sure the mum does too. I would correct the Mamma thing tho as that is just upsetting and there are lots of other nice things you can be called. I think assemblies etc are tough as I can kind of see what you mean - you care so you would like to be there. Maybe just give it time tho- let the dust settle for longer. Parents evenings I don't agree with tho because you can just get feedback from your DP and I think that would be overly antagonistic to be there with the mum too- I think parents evenings are different to assemblies, school plays etc.
Good luck tho - sounds like you are doing a great job and I'm sure it will improve over time

I'm just amazed no one has accused the op of being the OW yet.
Welcome to stepparenting on MN op. You will never ever win.

It`s hard for mums, dads and children where step parents are concerned because of course none of them wanted, asked or chose the step parent to be in their lives. However when my DS inevitably gets a sm all I can hope for is that she is nice, will care for him and hopefully grow to love him. In an ideal world, I would be good and easier I imagine if it was possible to build a friendship with her. At the same time I personally don't want 50/50 access and nor would I be happy if the majority of responsibility for my ds laid with his sm and not his lazy arsed df.

You sound lovely op. I don't think parents evening is necessary. It's good your dp and dss mum go together and he can feedback to you. Your dp really needs to do more with his DS. Your dp also needs to acknowledge more what you do for your dss. As pp have said about assemblies, nativities etc it is usually strict two tickets only for 2 shows e.g me and EX go to one each, so that DS has someone at each one - his grandparents would love to see him on stage.

Caveat that I haven't read the whole thread...

But...

1. Bollocks to whoever said you're not a stepmum because you're not married.

1. Bollocks to whoever said you're not responsible for the child. Of course you are. When ANY child is in your care you're responsible for them to a degree.

1. DSS's mum should appreciate the things you do for her son but don't expect her to vocalise it. You haven't been living together that long so it may take her a while to even feel that - in the meantime her heart might ache for the fact that someone else is doing all those things for her boy. Especially if she wants him more and dad is saying it's his contact time and then palming DsS on his partner.

It should be your DP who is vocalising appreciation. In time the ex might too but don't overdo it. She might feel you're trying to push her out. I appreciate it's a fine balance and it takes a while. I commend you for doing so much for your stepSon.

However... OP

1. Why do you want to go to parents evening? I don't understand that - surely your DP can just go and then report back anything which you both need to support DSS on - it sounds like you almost want to replace DSS's mum. Parents evenings are pretty dull!

1. You also seem to be putting way too much into this child. I did this for the first year of knowing DPs kids. Take it a bit more steady and encourage his dad to do more.

Good luck. Being a stepmum is a thankless task sometimes. You need a very supportive partner!

I haven't read all the thread but I just wanted to say you sound like a wonderful step mother and I hope my daughters step mother is like you.

I personally would have no problem with dd calling her step mum "mama" - you're more than just a random adult - you are an extra parent to your dss in my opinion. My dd calls my DP "papa" and her dad is fine with that. I'm more than happy if she feels close enough to call his dp something special. Shouldn't we just want our children to get loved as much as possible and to feel happy and comfortable in both houses.

I also think 2 appts for parents evenings so you could all go would seem reasonable and schools often make exceptions on tickets numbers where there are step parents - my exh, myself and dp went to dd Christmas play together when it was supposedly 2 per child.

I don't get why people get so hung up on children loving other people - love's not finite - there's plenty for everyone - no need for jealousy.

It's not about there being a limited amount of love to go round. It's about making a choice to parent with someone. Dh and I chose to become parents together. We didn't chose to become parents with Sue from down the road or Dave who we met at morrisons.

It's one thing to accept a step parent into a child's life, it's a completely different thing to have your child parented 50% of the time by someone who to the ex, is a complete random they had no say in.

I wouldn't mind my children loving another adult, I would mind them being almost completely parented by a third party while they were with the other parent.

It sounds like you're trying to take on a mother role, which is not appropriate as he already has a mother. Maybe try to redefine your role in your own mind as "interested adult", or "supporter of DP in being a dad" or similar. This will be most helpful to your stepson too.

I'm obviously just unusual then - I'm hoping my dd will develop a mother daughter type relationship with her stepmum and will be equally parented by exh and stepmum whilst with them.

I agree I didn't chose the stepmum but I trust exh judgement unless proved wrong that she's a good parent (they're having a baby) and if I have to have a child that's a product of divorce, which exh and I chose to do, then I want her to have 2 sets of loving parents if possible.

I think maybe I'm just incredibly lucky with how my situation has worked out - just like I think the mum of the OPs dss is incredibly lucky to have such a great stepmum in her sons life.

I think part of this is that the OP said 50/50 was only agreed to when OP said she could fill in the gaps for DP, with the mothers blessing. So the mother knew and wanted the OP in a parental role. Her DP never said he could do 50/50 without OP, as he works full time. Have I got that right?

For the first year or so that I was in my DSC's lives I made the mistake of doing lots for them (not more than DH though), I didn't even make a conscious decision to but just kind of fell into it out of a desire to help out DH and bond with his DC. Resentment came to a head one Mother's Day when DH was asking me for help in choosing a present for the kids' mum yet I got no acknowledgement from him whatsoever for all I did for his children (note I was not wanting or expecting acknowledgement from my DSC or their mum, just from DH).

DH was genuinely taken aback at my level of resentment and explained that he'd incorrectly assumed that because he found doing stuff for his children rewarding that I'd feel the same way about them. He fell into the classic trap of mistaking our household dynamic of male/female and kids as being equivalent to when he was living with the DC's mother.

Nowadays I limit myself to just doing leisure stuff with my DSC plus any household stuff that I would be doing anyway if there were just the two of us e.g. food shopping, cooking etc. Any extras are purely on a one-off basis.

OP you really do need to take a step back, why on earth are you the default person doing homework, bath & bed etc? So your DP works full time - why should your working from home be less important especially when you are taking a hit not for your child but for his, who you will likely have no contact with should you and DP split up? My DH's career whilst decent has been severely limited because he prioritised his DC over putting in the extra hours needed to progress further but as a good dad he expected and accepted that (plus it enabled his Ex to have a career parallel to his as they both shared the impact between them). You have crossed the line from supporting your DP to enabling him in prioritising other things over his DS. If you don't sort this out the resentment will build, I can guarantee it. If your DP resents you for doing less you'll see exactly how much he values you as a person in your relationship as opposed to valuing you in terms of usefulness to him.

Lots of mothers work fulltime with little to no involvement from the child's dad and have no choice but to manage. Even couples where the dad works away a lot, In some relationships even when a couple are together, which was my situation hence being single hasn't changed anything for me regarding help with childcare. However the issue here sounds like even when the df is present he does very little parenting. I don't think op necessarily signed up for that.