Step parents and school

[StepUpParent]

Hello everyone,
I am a parent of an 18 year old girl and step parent to a 4 year old boy.
I have been a 50/50 step parent for over a year now, my step son stays with us 50% of the time and I parent him exactly as I parented my own child (except I have to admit I'm a bit less uptight this time!)
My partner and I agreed before we moved in together that we would parent equally, and that we would back each other up etc. As you would expect, and we do, we are a great team. I am the main carer when our step son is here.
I take him to school, doctors, dentist, after school & weekend activities, parties, bath, bed feed, read, play, discipline etc. I am basically his mother when he's with us and he's amazingly settled and happy to be with us, there are no barriers at all and I love him very much, as he does me. But I feel really irritated that I don't get to go to parents evening, assemblies etc, and that his care isn't discussed with me. I don't have much to do with his Mum but we do speak, she tends to tell her son that she doesn't like it he talks about me and the such, which I understand, I would be a bit perturbed if another woman was parenting my child! But I haven't just come along and joined in at playing Mum, it was agreed by all three adults that there would be a 50/50 agreement which included me. The dynamics work really well but I'm worried that I'm becoming resentful because I feel it's important for me to be involved in things like his schooling. Obviously I do homework, reading diary, costume making etc!! . The teachers all know who I am and discuss any immediate issues with me when I collecting him but I feel like all my hard work, especially being a parent to a small child again after watching my daughter spread her wings, is not recognised as anything more than a glorified babysitter! I am feeling a bit used really I guess. I feel that I have earned the right to be involved in his school life without feeling like I am intruding. I truly believe that his Mum buries her head in the sand when it comes to recognising exactly how much I parent and I genuinely feel that's unfair. I selfishly feel like I am doing all the work without any recognition. When I consider what extra involvement I would like I try to think how I'd feel if I were in the same situation, and because I know I'd be a bit of a cow about it I guess I'm finding it hard to approach...

Not even sure if this post needs an answer or if it's rhetorical. I think I just need to get some stuff off my chest!!!! Any advice is gratefully received.

I think your relationship sounds lovely. You really shouldn't seek to get some sort gratitude or recognition from his mum though. It is likely to badly backfire. On the school front though, as a teacher I have had lots of divorced parents who have two separate slots for parents evening and often step parent will come with their partner in that case.

i am taking the info the op has given . She allows him to call her mama and justifies it. She leaves it up to a 4 yr old to correct random adults who assume she is his mother. Stats are clear re the breakup rates of 1st and 2nd marriages. i t was his father who was given 50% not the woman he is living with. BTW what is the answer to how that came about. Op is telling us how dependent the little boy is on her-she can hardly go pee? so obv he will be upset if she is no longer there. I know what she wants when she leaves it to the 4 year old to correct those who refer to her as his mother. Not agreeing with the op is not nasty nor is agreeing with her nice.I refuse to endorse this little boy being used to meet the op's needs. Why don't you read the whole thing before you question what i and others are saying?

Are you serious?? The only time I applied a justification was when I said I didn't correct him because I didn't want him to feel anxious about calling me whatever he wants. My child is 18, I didn't want more children, are not pining for the mothering instinct I am merely supporting my partner by ensuring his child feels included wholly as a member of our family, and so he doesn't think I see him as my blokes kid! He's 4 not stupid. You're making it sound like my womb is controlling my brain! Nothing you have said is of any value whatsoever.

Stepup please ignore the posters who cannot read and instead feel the need to twist comments to suit an agenda!

You sound like a great step mum! I have a very similar relationship with my step kids in terms of doing all the donkey work. And you have a very valid point about school plays/assemblies if your step son has expressed that he wants you there. Parent's evening on the other hand is not a thing that you should be involved with. Your partner can fill you in afterwards and he can request a copy of his son's school report is sent to him so you can see that also. Unfortunately no matter how great your relationship is with your step son there are some things you don't get to be involved in

Stepup please ignore the posters who cannot read

wheresthel1ght just read my mind

Stepup please ignore the posters who cannot read and instead feel the need to twist comments to suit an agenda!

Completely agree. For some SM are wrong no matter what they do.

The 50/50 is dependent on you to make it work, which the boys mother was aware was a deciding factor. So I would say your DP isn't at fault, if it was clear he still had to work full time and you would cover this, willingly.

His mother may still want to have her cake and eat it, ie having I assume reduced her parenting time knowing that you will cover this, but still keep control of her main parenting privileges like decisions and parents evenings. That's maybe what sticks? Do you feel like a babysitter rather than an important permanent fixture?

No one has to give more, tolerate more, or self sacrifice more than a caring, good step parent. But maybe you could gain more from the child itself? Have fun, do more pleasurable things and less trudgery leave the washing/cleaning/school work to his dad and mum and enjoy the relationship you do have, which sounds like a good one. I'd have loved to have got something back from my DSCs in that level. One day?

Thanks so much everyone. After reading all this I can honestly say that I think Bananas is right, I'm feeling a bit used, like everyone else is having their cake and eating it whilst I am the one baking the cake for them! I think I was getting a bit of a bee in my bonnet about the school thing, unnecessarily. I'm going to have a chat with my DP just so he knows I need a little more appreciation and support for my efforts. Thanks so much

That's what it is OP. You're doing far too much and you feel used as a result. Glad you're going to have a chat with your DP though and hopefully get this sorted :)

I'm going to have a chat with my DP just so he knows I need a little more appreciation and support for my efforts
Do you though? I am wondering whether the issue is that you are considering your role in your DSS's life at a much higher level than both your DP and his ex. A child doesn't need to be parented by three parents. One is fine, two is great, three is added bonus, that's all.

Could it be that your partner believes that if you are so involved, it is because you are getting satisfaction from doing it and therefore don't need appreciation? On one hand you want to be considered as a parent, but on the other you want your efforts to be recognised. Well parent's efforts don't ever get recognised because that's what they are supposed to do.

This is why I don't think your set up can really work, because ultimately, there will be circumstances that will remind you that you are not the child's parent and therefore can't get the same level of gratification. Yes, going to parent's evening to hear what a wonderful child your little one is and what a fantastic job you must be doing to have such a child makes up for all the chores that comes with a raising a child, so yes, I can understand that you are not party to this.

However, unless both mum and dad are prepared to fully include you into this role and therefore make a point that you should be party to everything relating to the child, even if it means arguing with the teacher who says that only two parents can be there, then you are not going to get what you want.

I do think that for your own benefit, you either need to accept that you are unlikely to get the same level of gratification bringing up this child as his parents do, despite putting as much efforts, just because ultimately, he is NOT your child, or you need to accept that you should take a step back and not put so much of your efforts into it.

Just one piece of advice from me OP that I have found very useful - Never do more than the actual parent.

You sound very kind, OP. I do wonder if your OH is exploiting that a bit though and maybe needs to pull his weight more when DSS is with you. Also not sure you can reasonably ask to be involved more at school. It might be fairer to get your OH to take some of the burden back off you rather than handing you all the parenting responsibility and none of the authority.

Ever since my DSS has been living with me I've referred to myself (jokingly) as his "evil stepmother" and it seems to have stuck! I'm not his Mum, I hate being referred to as his Dad's partner and this seemed like a good alternative. And I get to do all the good stuff like go to parent evenings when he's been a wee shite at school, register him at Dr and dentist and clean up boke! But I also get great hugs and the odd cuppa made by him

bananas has got it spot on! You sound like you're a great SM op,

I'm not a SP but have been a step child multiple times. I am a parent, which I seem to find is quite a thankless task. When it's your own, you can generally suck this up, but when it's not I think a lot of step parents feel the need to be thanked/acknowledged etc.

it's not about you

this. It is absolutely great that your partner and his ex are amicable and able to co-parent. This is in the best interests of your DSS. Please^ do not ask for separate slots. It is great that you are invested in his development but he has two parents already. This does not mean that you have to fade into the background, but I think you are being a tad unreasonable to expect praise from his teachers for your hard work.

My second DSM took a very active role in our lives to the point that she did much more than DF. She assumed a parental role very quickly (your DSS has only been with you over a year, which I still consider to be a fairly short time) and DF just let her get on with it and did less and less with us. She then bitched a lot about not getting thanks from us/my Mum and complained that my DF was not doing enough. I do think you need to step back a bit OP if it is causing you resentment.

Does 50/50 parental care save the departing father $$? And if he takes up with a lovely woman who works from home and is willing to be a 2nd mother to his ds , do school pick ups and work in the evening etc, then he does not need to pay a nanny/cm.= means more $$ saved. He could not have planned it better if he tried.BTW the boy's family is his father and mother and he will always belong with them.

Back off amarmai you're coming across as a bully now

.BTW the boy's family is his father and mother and he will always belong with them.

I'm confused. Do children not have other family members now apart from mum and dad?
I'm assuming by your logic the OP no longer needs to see or treat her dss as a member of her family? Because they aren't part of a family unit together. His only family are his parents. Well, that should make her life a lot easier...

Does 50/50 parental care save the departing father $$? And if he takes up with a lovely woman who works from home and is willing to be a 2nd mother to his ds , do school pick ups and work in the evening etc, then he does not need to pay a nanny/cm.= means more $$ saved. He could not have planned it better if he tried.BTW the boy's family is his father and mother and he will always belong with them.

Nasty, unnecessary, vindictive and bullying.

What exactly is your issue?

How about you actually read what the OP says rather than add what you want to suit your own agenda.

Oh and for the record armarmi a child doesn't belong to anyone. They are a person not a possession.

agree with larefor & cantwait.

And how is the farther departing? It's 50/50 and a mutual split. They both left the relationship. Also, mum may have/get a lovely new partner to support her financially. It works both ways

Jeeze amarami that post was vile! That is one twisted way of looking at things. (And I've seen a lot on this board)

my stating that some men plan like this is not nasty, vile, bullying etc.But you can apply all these adjectives and more to the men who do this.

my stating that some men plan like this is not nasty, vile, bullying etc.But you can apply all these adjectives and more to the men who do this.

You have no idea why the marriage broke up. None at all. All of you post is a huge assumption.

BTW the boy's family is his father and mother and he will always belong with them.

Actually I do class that as bullying because you are being intentionally hurtful to a lady who cares dearly for her dss.

amarmai I have reported your post re "departing father" what a horrible, hurtful and ignorant thing to say.