Step parents and school

[StepUpParent]

Hello everyone,
I am a parent of an 18 year old girl and step parent to a 4 year old boy.
I have been a 50/50 step parent for over a year now, my step son stays with us 50% of the time and I parent him exactly as I parented my own child (except I have to admit I'm a bit less uptight this time!)
My partner and I agreed before we moved in together that we would parent equally, and that we would back each other up etc. As you would expect, and we do, we are a great team. I am the main carer when our step son is here.
I take him to school, doctors, dentist, after school & weekend activities, parties, bath, bed feed, read, play, discipline etc. I am basically his mother when he's with us and he's amazingly settled and happy to be with us, there are no barriers at all and I love him very much, as he does me. But I feel really irritated that I don't get to go to parents evening, assemblies etc, and that his care isn't discussed with me. I don't have much to do with his Mum but we do speak, she tends to tell her son that she doesn't like it he talks about me and the such, which I understand, I would be a bit perturbed if another woman was parenting my child! But I haven't just come along and joined in at playing Mum, it was agreed by all three adults that there would be a 50/50 agreement which included me. The dynamics work really well but I'm worried that I'm becoming resentful because I feel it's important for me to be involved in things like his schooling. Obviously I do homework, reading diary, costume making etc!! . The teachers all know who I am and discuss any immediate issues with me when I collecting him but I feel like all my hard work, especially being a parent to a small child again after watching my daughter spread her wings, is not recognised as anything more than a glorified babysitter! I am feeling a bit used really I guess. I feel that I have earned the right to be involved in his school life without feeling like I am intruding. I truly believe that his Mum buries her head in the sand when it comes to recognising exactly how much I parent and I genuinely feel that's unfair. I selfishly feel like I am doing all the work without any recognition. When I consider what extra involvement I would like I try to think how I'd feel if I were in the same situation, and because I know I'd be a bit of a cow about it I guess I'm finding it hard to approach...

Not even sure if this post needs an answer or if it's rhetorical. I think I just need to get some stuff off my chest!!!! Any advice is gratefully received.

Because he can tell you're more interested in him I imagine.

Does his dad do anything other than occasionally play with him?

Days off if he's ill, organising days out, bedtimes, cooking, washing?

Can't wait op needs to recognise her place that she is not his DM. She wants acknowledgement and praise from school and the DM. As other posters stated its the DP that should acknowledge her not his ex or school.

When you are already a parent, and you become a step parent, it is very easy to fall into the mindset that you are the back up plan if your partner isn't coping, for whatever reason.

But you're NOT. The child has another parent, and that other parent is the back up plan. If the child's father can't engage with the child, the child should be returned to his mother until the father CAN engage, not to have you picking up the slack until you have a tantrum about the lack of recognition (that you aren't ever going to get)

I came here for open opinions on the situation but CantWaitForWarmerWeather is not wrong: 'Basically the consensus on MN is that you should know your place as a SM and that is you aren't important and should stay in the background, but you should go out of your way for the parents, do as your told and if you don't help out then you're being mean spirited etc... '

Most of the responders clearly have children who spend time with step parents and quite probably have no idea how close their children are to their SP.

My partner does need to take some weight off me, I can see that. Trying to keep a home and family lifestyle means I end up doing a lot more than some would.

So I actually feel worse now than I did before I posted!! lots to think about.

Armful Would it kill the mum to feel an ounce of gratitude towards the OP for playing a big part in her child's upbringing?
I don't get how she could just ignore that fact, that another woman does so much for her child.

StepUp, I AM a step parent. I've given solid, honest advice but you seem determined to throw a passive aggressive shitfit instead of acknowledging this.

He works full time, helps with the house, does anything I ask him to. I tend to just get on with stuff and don't ask for help so it's 50/50 blame there!!

TheOnyColditz - believe me I am taking advice!! this tread has opened my eyes up to a lot of my own misgivings. I am not being passive aggressive, I am responding to peoples comments with 'how it is'
Although I can be a passive aggressive person there's no doubt! But I like to look at and explore every avenue, and I like to respond when someone implies something that is incorrect.

I appreciate everyone's input, even the bitter ones!

I think collectively there's a lot of experience on this bit of the site of either being a step parent or being a parent where there is a step parent.

I think people are trying to share their experiences in order to help (some of them more usefully than others it has to be admitted (know your place is a bit much...)).

I would have found this immensely useful 10 years ago when I first started going out with a bloke with kids - I wish I'd been on here and been able to get the benefit of different points of view and experience.

If you are feeling a bit miffed about your place with your DH's son, imagine how his Mum is feeling...

How do we know the mum isn't grateful though?
She could be very honestly delighted that her ex has the op because I don't really know what he'd do if he didn't?

Being thankful doesn't mean she should be inviting the op to parents evening or suggesting her child calls her mum.
I imagine it must bloody sting to send your child off for 50% of the time knowing that the dad apparently does fuck all (for whatever reason) and so this small child is in effect parented by her and another woman.

I think maybe it's your dp making you feel under appreciated not your sc's mum.

You are doing a hell of a lot I think you are right when you say you step up and act like his mum when he's with you, because to be honest you do. You're doing all the caring for him, all the appointments, dealing with any school issues while your dp sits back and takes all the credit.

I can understand you're feeling a bit used by doing all of this but I genuinely don't think it's your step sons mother that is the user.
It sounds to me like she probably doesn't have a clue that you're doing so much as your partner is letting you invest all your energies into your step sons development and then excluding you from school plays/ parents evening etc probably because he doesn't want his ex partner knowing how little he's doing for his child compared to you

I think if you don't want to have this out with your partner you need to slowly start placing the responsibility back onto his shoulders. It sounds to me like you and your sc's mum are doing all the hard work with him while you're partner sits back and let's you.

If he works full time then he needs to organise the times he sees his dc so that he can do more.

I am a parent and a step parent.

I was also a step child.

I don't understand everyone saying it must kill the mum to see this blah blah. She doesn't have to agree to 50/50, standard is every other weekend. I'm assuming she knows your DP is working and you do all the pick ups etc. She might not like it but she should be grateful she has free childcare! What does she do for childcare on her week OP?

I agree he shouldn't be calling you mum, you don't have to say it in a mean way at all just say 'don't be silly DSD I'm not your mummy!' and laugh it off. Assuming your DP is involved in his life then he can discuss things with you, there's no need for the mum to be involved personally with you (although she should be grateful).

Does the mum know how much input you have? If I was the mum in this situation, I wouldn't be great full to you, I'd be fucking fuming that my ex was abdicating responsibility for the child we had together.

I would be going to court to get contact reduced to whatever the ex was prepared to do himself.

Step parent have a role to play when a couple live together, and odd pickups etc are fine when needed. But the vast majority should be done by the parents.

Where will you be if your dp leaves you? You would have no rights and could be replaced very quickly by a new stepparent. You'd be left heartbroken.

Firstly, working from home or not, I don't know why you have, or wanted to take on so much of your DP's parenting responsibilities!

Secondly, I do actually understand that you are feeling a bit used, because there's no problem with you doing all the menial stuff...but when it comes to the nice stuff like going to parents evening/assemblies, you're not included! That must be galling, but you are not his mother, you are his father's partner (soon to be wife), and this is how ithe ex will always view your position, and really you can't blame her!

I think you have two choices here, scale back a little on your involvement, encourage the child to call you 'Stepup'...or just accept that this is the nature of Step Parenting......pretty much thankless!

50/50 parenting is done for the CHILD, not for the parent, LaurieLemon. Are you seriously suggesting you would be happy to let another woman take your child and raise him/her for 50% of the time? Because that is what is happening here. A period of time that was supposed to be for the benefit of the child bonding with his father has become about the child bonding with the father's girlfriend instead.

I have been step-mum to my DSD (now I'm her twenties) since she was 4. I was not an Ow as DH and his ex had split long before we met when his Dd was tiny . I also am Dm to our son. Ime being a SM is a tricky balance, but I always try to put the needs and feelings of DSD first. I remember when she was around 5 we would be shopping and the cashier would give DSD the change say something jokey like "ooh are you going to.give that to your Mum?!". Poor dsd would get really stressed as she didnt like me being mistaken for her DM. This is despite us having a good relationship. I suppose what I'm trying to say is that being an SM - even a very good one - requires an ability to respect boundaries and put your SDC first even if it can feel a bit sad at times. And the lazy thinking that SM = evil does piss me off but I have learned to just pull up.my big girl pants and get on with it. Incidentally I never went to parents evening as that was for parents (of which DSD had two). Sounds like you are doing a good job OP but there are no prizes for that, other than the really important one of being a positive influence in a child's life.

She doesn't have to agree to 50/50, standard is every other weekend.

It isn't what the mother does or doesn't want, it is what is best for the DC not the mother!

I was a step child and I bloody wish my SM was like op.

op I really sympathise, I think you have give this your all and its understandable how your feeling. Maybe in time parents evening ect will be open to you.

That little boy sounds very comfortable around you and that's all that matters. And I do think that both parents should be greatful that your not indifferent to him. I'd be greatful if myself and Dh devorced and he got a new partner that made my child feel loved and happy.

I think your just going to have to suck it up and take it on the chin for a while.

My DH is amazing SD but he recognises that it's important that DS has a relationship with his DF. He took a step back on his first day of school,navities etc

OP you don't even have parental responsibility for your DS so really you shouldn't be taking your DS to hospital appointments etc.

It's nice you spend some much time but your problem lies with your DP he should be involved together with you guys. No ones saying you should've sidelined it's the fact your DP is slightly taking advantage of the situation.

theonly so are you suggesting the boy's father gives up work to make sure he is with the child every second of the day. Should his mother give up work so she is with him every second of the day in her time?

The op is getting married to her dp next year, she is not his new girlfriend and she is trying very hard to make this boy happy and settled!

Honestly you can't win if your a SM on here sometimes 🙈

It's really easy to see why some SP and SC are so often not in a great place with each other when one half of the bio parent demands they be kept at arms length. It's selfish and sad

At the moment there's another thread where a step parent is being berated for not being happy to pay an unexpected entrance fee as step child wasn't meant to be with them but the mother has no child care and the step parent is looking after the step child not on one of their access days.

Seems rather at odds with this thread.

I have a step child although he is older and so access isn't an issue. My children have a step father and also a step mother. I feel generally that the care of the children is down to xh and me. Sometimes either DP or XHs XW will need to look after them but things like parents evenings are for xh and me. I don't think it should be a step parents responsibility to do all school pick ups. Occasional calling someone the wrong name is something that happens but don't encourage it.

I can see how being a step parent posting for advice on Mumsnet is no fun. Is a case of heads you win tails I lose.

I AM A STEP MOTHER

I am also not interested in debating with a straw man. I very clearly stated what I meant. If you don't understand that, the responsibility lies with your most recent place of education, not with me.