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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Step parents and school

166 replies

StepUpParent · 01/04/2016 12:22

Hello everyone,
I am a parent of an 18 year old girl and step parent to a 4 year old boy.
I have been a 50/50 step parent for over a year now, my step son stays with us 50% of the time and I parent him exactly as I parented my own child (except I have to admit I'm a bit less uptight this time!)
My partner and I agreed before we moved in together that we would parent equally, and that we would back each other up etc. As you would expect, and we do, we are a great team. I am the main carer when our step son is here.
I take him to school, doctors, dentist, after school & weekend activities, parties, bath, bed feed, read, play, discipline etc. I am basically his mother when he's with us and he's amazingly settled and happy to be with us, there are no barriers at all and I love him very much, as he does me. But I feel really irritated that I don't get to go to parents evening, assemblies etc, and that his care isn't discussed with me. I don't have much to do with his Mum but we do speak, she tends to tell her son that she doesn't like it he talks about me and the such, which I understand, I would be a bit perturbed if another woman was parenting my child! But I haven't just come along and joined in at playing Mum, it was agreed by all three adults that there would be a 50/50 agreement which included me. The dynamics work really well but I'm worried that I'm becoming resentful because I feel it's important for me to be involved in things like his schooling. Obviously I do homework, reading diary, costume making etc!! . The teachers all know who I am and discuss any immediate issues with me when I collecting him but I feel like all my hard work, especially being a parent to a small child again after watching my daughter spread her wings, is not recognised as anything more than a glorified babysitter! I am feeling a bit used really I guess. I feel that I have earned the right to be involved in his school life without feeling like I am intruding. I truly believe that his Mum buries her head in the sand when it comes to recognising exactly how much I parent and I genuinely feel that's unfair. I selfishly feel like I am doing all the work without any recognition. When I consider what extra involvement I would like I try to think how I'd feel if I were in the same situation, and because I know I'd be a bit of a cow about it I guess I'm finding it hard to approach...

Not even sure if this post needs an answer or if it's rhetorical. I think I just need to get some stuff off my chest!!!! Any advice is gratefully received.

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

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Devilishpyjamas · 01/04/2016 13:57

Why do you want to go to parent's evening? Your DSS doesn't need you there. Why such a strong desire?

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 01/04/2016 14:09

I actually sympathise OP. But ultimately you are not the kids mother. You sound like you are putting in a huge amount of effort and adding something very positive to the child's life. It can just be a totally thankless task being a SM.

It's a very emotional and heartbreaking job at times. I've looked after DSCs as my own for years only to be told by their mother that I had nothing to do with them, and none of them are close to me. There is no reward. However, you have a good relationship with this child. Even if you don't go to parents evenings, the kid is young and there is every possibility that you will be rewarded with a bond between you and this child that you've created by being consistent and kind.

ArmfulOfRoses · 01/04/2016 14:09

If my daughter's SM helps out with her when I have asked then I am grateful, and she knows it.
This is commonplace and in fact, she and or/ex also help with my ds, and their ds has just been picked up from my house after being dropped off at 9:30 this morning.

I have no need to thank her for taking sole care of dd when she is at her father's, he has the responsibility of arranging contact when he will be there or if his fiancée is willing if he can't be present for the whole time.

I like her very much, and her me, but if it is dad's time that she's helping in then it's between them.

SilverBirchWithout · 01/04/2016 14:11

DP spends more time with him now than he did before we lived together, and that's great. I encourage him to play creatively, spend time doing things together etc but yes, I do have the lions share, in fact when he's here I really don't have 5 minutes! I have regressed to the 'can't go for a wee alone' stage!!!

This paragraph does help illustrate the dynamic that may be going on here. Obviously you have acquired great parenting skills with your own DD and you have stepped into a familiar old role, behaving as the mummy with primary responsibility and guiding daddy. You need to leave your DP to do the parenting here. I can't help but worry that your DSS regressing to needing you to accompany him for a wee is his response to signals you are giving out about a need in yourself to mother him.

Did you bring your DD largely on your own maybe?

Would it be possible for you to spend more time away from the home and leave your DP to find his own way of parenting?

Bonkerz · 01/04/2016 14:11

We receive a report from dsd school each term. We don't attend parents evenings.

Sunshine87 · 01/04/2016 14:18

Your not his mother he has a mother you need to know your place. He has two parents your DP needs to parent more and seems to relie on you that's the problem. It's accepting certain boundaries. My DH is a step dad pretty much does everything but he knows when it's appropriate to take a step back and allow certain aspects to involve DS DF. As others said people have Nannys/CM that look after children doesn't make them their mother.

OllyBJolly · 01/04/2016 14:27

They do go to parents evening together. I guess the best way around this is to arrange 2 slots, one for his Mum and one for me and his Dad!

There is something very adult and caring about two separated parents uniting for their child like this. I would advise very strongly you don't break this.

Sunshine87 · 01/04/2016 14:32

Also I think your DP isn't pulling his weight in regards to 50/50 if I was DS DM I would be reducing access as it's clear your meeting all DS not his DF and that's not your place to do so your not even married so you essentially would be considered a step parents and be able to make decisions on medical care. You could break up with DP and you would have no rights to your DSS

OSETmum · 01/04/2016 14:42

Welcome to step parenting: you can't win ( especially on Mumsnet)!

Original poster

StepUpParent · 01/04/2016 14:47

It's me that can't have a wee in peace, I'm not really given 5 minutes as DS wants to be with me all the time, as he is at his mums I guess. I don't MAKE this happen, I think he's just more engaged because I do more stuff. I have no resentment toward his mum and none toward my partner the majority of the time. This is a home and 4 people live here, 50% of the time it's just me an my partner and I kind of consider that my recovery time!! The rest of the time I manage a job and a home, and technically 3 kids if you count the DP!!

OP posts:

veryproudvolleyballmum · 01/04/2016 14:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontcarehowIwantitnow · 01/04/2016 14:48

if I was DS DM I would be reducing access as it's clear your meeting all DS not his DF and that's not your place to do so

As long as you had the DC all the time, never had other care arrangements, didn't have a partner that looked after them etc etc etc.

Oh and is contact not access now.

TheOnlyColditz · 01/04/2016 14:49

Yeah, no I don't count the DP as a child, he's a full grown adult and father. The reason your step son is bothering you on the toilet is because your dp is being pathetic. Does he bother with his child at all or have you always done everything?

DontcarehowIwantitnow · 01/04/2016 14:50

Your not his mother he has a mother you need to know your place.

'Know your place' wow

JapanNextYear · 01/04/2016 14:50

I think the post where you want to be treated equally is the kind of crux of it. You won't ever be treated equally.

I think it would be weird if you and his Dad went to a parent's evening and his Mum went separately.

Step back a bit - in fact quite a lot. I'm a SM - managing the relationship with ex and DH and kids is really difficult - you don't get a lot of thanks, if any - you sound like you are trying to do the right thing but haven't really recognised how different the dynamic is.

Not sure whether your Daughter's dad is around or not but maybe think about the relationship you would have wanted her to have with her Dad's new girlfriend if there had been one. Would you have wanted her to go to your daughter's parents' evenings?

Original poster

StepUpParent · 01/04/2016 14:57

If my ex husband had a partner whom he was soley committed to and if his partner took as much responsibility as I do then yes, I would. I am not saying I'd like it but I would be grateful that she cared and wated to support her development. if he had her every other weekend, then I'd probably say no way but that's not the case here. As she's 18 she comes and goes as she pleases and her father and I don't need to discuss her unless it involves something we both have to contribute to.

And to the person who suggested I was being in any way derogatory about DS mother, you're very wrong. But thanks for the input.

OP posts:

veryproudvolleyballmum · 01/04/2016 14:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sunshine87 · 01/04/2016 15:00

In effect contact /access whatever you call it DS isn't quality time with his DF he's spending time with OP. Sounds like there could only be 50/50 access if it wasn't for OP. I disagree that DM has lost quality time for another woman to parent her child. Your DP needs to pull his weight.

mamaslatts · 01/04/2016 15:00

I do not have sdcs. I do think the OP is being massively taking advantage of though - why on earth are you doing stuff like making costumes and doctors appointments?? You also seem to do ALL the caring when he is with you whilst your 'D'P joins in for the odd play session. All this stuff about 'just suck it up' seems horribly unfair too. I wouldn't say you should be at parents evening if the parents go together but why not assemblies, plays etc? Lots of grandparents go at my children's school. Some are in a main caring role. Some not.

Valeriesquiteposh · 01/04/2016 15:02

Our school wouldn't even entertain you being there, or two appts unless there is DV issues. How many adults does he need there? It's not about you.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 01/04/2016 15:04

Know your place... Oh jeez.

Things like that really annoy me after me being absolutely vilified a few months ago for not wanting to pick my former stepchild (stepchild at the time) up from school every day.

Basically the consensus on MN is that you should know your place as a SM and that is you aren't important and should stay in the background, but you should go out of your way for the parents, do as your told and if you don't help out then you're being mean spirited etc...

Thank god I'm out.

DontcarehowIwantitnow · 01/04/2016 15:04

Our school wouldn't even entertain you being there, or two appts unless there is DV issues.

I don't know any that don't tbf, if asked.

ArmfulOfRoses · 01/04/2016 15:06

I am sympathetic to the op, I think she is being taken advantage of and massively undervalued.
By her partner though, not the ex.

Original poster

StepUpParent · 01/04/2016 15:06

I meant more engaged with me when he's at our house - even if his Dad is here it's me he wants to be with.

OP posts:

Valeriesquiteposh · 01/04/2016 15:06

It's on the letter that goes out for appts. One appt per child only. I've asked before when ex couldn't make the appt and was told no unless DV.

There was a thread on here where the ex was bringing the girlfriend to parents evening and everyone was WTF?

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