Step parents and school

[StepUpParent]

Hello everyone,
I am a parent of an 18 year old girl and step parent to a 4 year old boy.
I have been a 50/50 step parent for over a year now, my step son stays with us 50% of the time and I parent him exactly as I parented my own child (except I have to admit I'm a bit less uptight this time!)
My partner and I agreed before we moved in together that we would parent equally, and that we would back each other up etc. As you would expect, and we do, we are a great team. I am the main carer when our step son is here.
I take him to school, doctors, dentist, after school & weekend activities, parties, bath, bed feed, read, play, discipline etc. I am basically his mother when he's with us and he's amazingly settled and happy to be with us, there are no barriers at all and I love him very much, as he does me. But I feel really irritated that I don't get to go to parents evening, assemblies etc, and that his care isn't discussed with me. I don't have much to do with his Mum but we do speak, she tends to tell her son that she doesn't like it he talks about me and the such, which I understand, I would be a bit perturbed if another woman was parenting my child! But I haven't just come along and joined in at playing Mum, it was agreed by all three adults that there would be a 50/50 agreement which included me. The dynamics work really well but I'm worried that I'm becoming resentful because I feel it's important for me to be involved in things like his schooling. Obviously I do homework, reading diary, costume making etc!! . The teachers all know who I am and discuss any immediate issues with me when I collecting him but I feel like all my hard work, especially being a parent to a small child again after watching my daughter spread her wings, is not recognised as anything more than a glorified babysitter! I am feeling a bit used really I guess. I feel that I have earned the right to be involved in his school life without feeling like I am intruding. I truly believe that his Mum buries her head in the sand when it comes to recognising exactly how much I parent and I genuinely feel that's unfair. I selfishly feel like I am doing all the work without any recognition. When I consider what extra involvement I would like I try to think how I'd feel if I were in the same situation, and because I know I'd be a bit of a cow about it I guess I'm finding it hard to approach...

Not even sure if this post needs an answer or if it's rhetorical. I think I just need to get some stuff off my chest!!!! Any advice is gratefully received.

You can shout all you like only - I'm not arsed. Maybe that works where you are...Your clearly getting upset by this thread maybe you need a break.

Life goes on children need to happy where they are. It doesn't matter if it's dad, nan, step mother, that's looking after the child - as long as they are happy and comfortable.

I'm shouting because you don't seem about to comprehend lower case letters. I'm sorry this has upset you, it wasn't intended to. It was intended for VISIBILITY. And it does work, as you spotted it very quickly.

Unfortunately, unless you are actually a step parent yourself it can be difficult to understand why we need to protect ourselves from other people's actions, decisions and opinions. This is why we have out own area, to try to cut back on the amount of "Oh I can see why SPs have such problems" or "Surely the mother should" and "Well I know someone who is a step child so you're wrong".

I understand that you may be finding this difficult to follow, so I will be more clear.

Unless you are a step parent, your opinion on this situation does not come from a place of experience.

I AM A STEP MOTHER

^ actually properly laughing at this

No but I had an indifferent SM so I rec that make me more qualified than you

Obviously you win then, in both this thread and the internet in general.

Winner !!!

Only you have a complex about being a step mother why? Being a step parent male or female comes with certain limitations.

Op - please ignore all the crap that has been thrown at you on this thread - there is a real lack of understanding about step parenting on mn.

In my experience as a teacher, I find it a bit strange when step parents come to parents evenings tbh. My experience is that they tend to have strong opinions and don't really listen. I do admire separated parents who manage to attend parents evening together - I have ne reported managed it with my ex. As a step parent myself, I wouldn't want to go to dss's parents evening - mainly because I wouldn't want to sit there with his mum as dh and his ex do go together and I wouldn't want to get in the way of that.

There is no reason why you shouldn't be going to school plays etc though. You do have informal contact with the school though and sometimes that is just as valuable as the formal parents evenings.

I see that I am joining this rather spirited debate a bit late but fwiw I do think that it is commendable how involved the OP with dss. I have no qualms in saying that I have always been more engaged with dss than dh's exw. She has now ceased all contact with dss and dss has called me Mummy for many years now. A big part of her disengagement stems from her 2nd husband not wanting anything to do with dss. He was best mates with the om but ended up marrying her and made it clear early on that the boy had to go.

In light of this, I believe that I deserve the title of mum and that will never change.

We have residency and I have PR but before that (when dss was very young and it was going through court) I didn't attend parent meetings, dh did and he fed back to me. I did attend assemblies though.

It's great that dss is so comfortable with you but as others have said, he isn't your son however I felt very uncomfortable with the OP being told to know her place and to remember that she's not married and therefore not a stepmum. That was just plain rude.

There are different ways to be a step family. I think that gets forgotten about on here sometimes.

My DCs step children sounds similar to you, though I don't think she's fussed about attending parents evenings. I am grateful to her - and she was the OW. There's a lot of pain there but ultimately, she has been a reliable and positive role model for my DC.

It's a tricky balance - if she wanted to be at parents evening then I wouldn't have any objection but if I did, I'd expect her to respect my position as the parent. I can't stop her from attending assemblies, nativities etc and I don't mind her going to them now.

I think it's fine to feel miffed that you don't get to go to various things but I don't think it's right as a step parent to insist. It has taken several years to get used to my DCs stepmum being around and I'm glad she never pushed me.

"There are different ways to be a step family. I think that gets forgotten about on here sometimes. "

Very true.

when what to call you came up at the beginning ,you shd have settled on a specific nomenclature. You chose not to do that . You left the door open for a 4 year old to call you 'mama' and you chose not to settle this issue again. You are blurring the lines and you are far too invested in this child. Your dh is benefitting from you doing his job. You need to step back and stop confusing this child. The teacher does not want to schedule an extra meeting in order to satisfy your self importance. The mother of this child does not need you pushing further into her and her son's life. Neither wonder she does not want her son bringing you up in their home. You shd not be having that conversation with the boy. You are driving a wedge between him and his mother. If you and the boy's father break up , you will have no rights to see the boy again. If his father takes up with another woman , she will be the carer not you . But the boy will have a relationship with his mother and father as long as they live.

The teacher does not want to schedule an extra meeting in order to satisfy your self importance.

'Self importance' wow.

How about some people think before they type.

You can't win being a sp. You get berated on MN if you take too much interest and if you don't.

If you are the one doing schoolwork etc you should go to parents evening. Just book a separate appointment for you and dp if it helps. This is what we usually do but have had one appointment where we were all there. Assemblies etc. Shouldnt be a problem, I'm sure dss would be delighted if you were all there to support him.

Amarmai - firstly my intentions were clear in my responses, I did not want to make him feel he couldn't be himself, say what he's comfortable with. When we are out shopping etc people often refer to me as Mum, depending on the situation it gets blown over or I'll leave it to him to say that's not my mummy - I am far from wanting to satisfy my own self importance thank you very much! He doesn't come for the odd sleepover, this is his home as much as is other home and as such I'm not going to sit in a separate room to force DSS to spend more time with his Dad! We regularly talk about curious questions like when he was in his mummy's tummy, we draw pictures for him to take home to her, make cakes for her. I make sure DP gets Mother's Day cards, birthday presents etc. I'm neither forcing myself into her life nor taking over! I believe I am behaving like a mother should, like I did with my own. DSS calls my DD his sister, I say 'sort of' and explain that he's his step sister. I don't make him do anything to make him think I think I'm his Mum except treat him well and ensure his emotional and social development. You don't have to be quite so judgmental!

My ds has had a step mum for 9 years and I am very grateful that she has accepted my son in to her home, her life, and she treats him as her own.
I know many people who treat their dscs with less than respect.
I would, however, not he happy if she wanted to attend parents night. My ex and I are at a place where we can attend together as his parents

But you are not his mother. His 2nd home is where his father is , not where you are. You are carrying out the work his father shd be doing.He will suffer emotionally if your relationship with his father breaks up. What a child shd call a stepparent is not left up to a 4 year old. You left that door open and you leave it up to a 4year old to correct randoms who assume you are his mother? You are the adult, this shd be dealt with by you-but you actually want this. You are overstepping boundaries and causing confusion for this child you say you care so much about. If you care soo much , act more carefully and consider end results , espec as so many 2nd relationships break up.Needing to be included in teacher parent interviews etc because you do so much and feel left out ,is showing you do not feel you are being treated as the important person you think you are , because of what you do.

But you are not his mother

Where has the op said they are?

His 2nd home is where his father is , not where you are.

It is the OP DSS home not '2nd home'

He will suffer emotionally if your relationship with his father breaks up.

Do you have a crystal ball?

You are the adult, this shd be dealt with by you-but you actually want this.

How do you know what the OP 'wants'?

You seem You are overstepping boundaries and causing confusion for this child you say you care so much about.

If you care soo much , act more carefully and consider end results , espec as so many 2nd relationships break up.

Again you have no idea of the relationship will last or not. Many marriages break up. Do you want people not your get married either 'just in case'.

Needing to be included in teacher parent interviews etc because you do so much and feel left out ,is showing you do not feel you are being treated as the important person you think you are

Are you always quite so nasty?

amarmai your posts seem to be pa and really spiteful.

I believe I am behaving like a mother should, like I did with my own.

Its fine to treat them the same regarding discipline etc. But behaving like a mother should? No.

Also your daughter is not "sort of" his sister. She is literally no relation to him.

Your DP sounds like a Disney Dad, tbh. Happy to let someone else do the hard work.

I have read all your posts SUP, not I can't see anything about the circumstances that has led to a 50/50 arrangement, nor why it is that you are actually not attending parents evening.

Without knowing this, it is very difficult to have a clear idea of the situation. There is a big difference if they both agreed happily on the 50/50 and your OH discussed with her the fact that he would heavily rely on you to help and she was ok with that, then if she was fiercely against it but had to relent to it either under pressure or through court orders.

Also, you haven't clarified why you are not attending with them. Is it because the mother doesn't want you to? The question is, is mum overall ok with your involvement in the child's life or is she not at all?

Personally, however much I am so grateful that my kids SM is caring towards them, I would have gone berserk if she was like you. The only reason I would have considered a 50/50 would have been on the basis that the kids spent as much time with their dad then with me. The idea that I had to give up some of my time spent with my kids for them to spend it mainly with a woman pretending to be their mum would have been totally unacceptable to me.

BUT not every mum is as maternal and it might very well be that their mum is not that bothered. Saying that, if the reason you are not attending parents' evening is because she is not happy that you do, then it leaves the question as to whether she is fully aware of how much your OH relies on you to raise his children and it makes me wonder as to why he would have wanted his children half of the time if ultimately he relies so heavily on you to do his job as a parent.

Why do people say you need to be married to be a SP....ive known couples who've lasted a lot longer than married couples and be great SP's.

The 50/50 arrangement was made knowing I would be a big part of it and Mum knows I do most things with him. But every communication is between my partner and her and I don't get involved in that. I can agree or disagree to swimming lessons for example, I have a say in what holiday days, term time etc is needed. I agree to these things for my DSS, what's in his best interests, not what's in mine. I have willingly given up my own freedom as my daughter is almost completely independent, all to ensure DSS has stability and is happy to come to us. He knows what days he's where and is never sad or sorry for himself, he loves being with us as much as he loves going back to his mums. I feel that I miss out on some important things, like education, just because I'm not considered. Yet everything else I do is known, considered and accepted.

Op you are doing a wonderful job but it seems clear that you are not happy.

You need to step back a bit I think, because these resentments will do nothing but grow and fester.
Looking to be 'rewarded' with parents evening appointments will mean that either you 'win' and there is a divide between the parents caused by separate appts or you 'lose' and the hot ball of anger grows year on year.

You don't seem to be enabling your partner to do more parenting but less despite your clearly great intentions.

Was this arrangement discussed with the three of you or under the courts OP?

You're right Armful, and no sunshine, courts have never been a consideration. It's a mutual agreement.