Step parents and school

[StepUpParent]

Hello everyone,
I am a parent of an 18 year old girl and step parent to a 4 year old boy.
I have been a 50/50 step parent for over a year now, my step son stays with us 50% of the time and I parent him exactly as I parented my own child (except I have to admit I'm a bit less uptight this time!)
My partner and I agreed before we moved in together that we would parent equally, and that we would back each other up etc. As you would expect, and we do, we are a great team. I am the main carer when our step son is here.
I take him to school, doctors, dentist, after school & weekend activities, parties, bath, bed feed, read, play, discipline etc. I am basically his mother when he's with us and he's amazingly settled and happy to be with us, there are no barriers at all and I love him very much, as he does me. But I feel really irritated that I don't get to go to parents evening, assemblies etc, and that his care isn't discussed with me. I don't have much to do with his Mum but we do speak, she tends to tell her son that she doesn't like it he talks about me and the such, which I understand, I would be a bit perturbed if another woman was parenting my child! But I haven't just come along and joined in at playing Mum, it was agreed by all three adults that there would be a 50/50 agreement which included me. The dynamics work really well but I'm worried that I'm becoming resentful because I feel it's important for me to be involved in things like his schooling. Obviously I do homework, reading diary, costume making etc!! . The teachers all know who I am and discuss any immediate issues with me when I collecting him but I feel like all my hard work, especially being a parent to a small child again after watching my daughter spread her wings, is not recognised as anything more than a glorified babysitter! I am feeling a bit used really I guess. I feel that I have earned the right to be involved in his school life without feeling like I am intruding. I truly believe that his Mum buries her head in the sand when it comes to recognising exactly how much I parent and I genuinely feel that's unfair. I selfishly feel like I am doing all the work without any recognition. When I consider what extra involvement I would like I try to think how I'd feel if I were in the same situation, and because I know I'd be a bit of a cow about it I guess I'm finding it hard to approach...

Not even sure if this post needs an answer or if it's rhetorical. I think I just need to get some stuff off my chest!!!! Any advice is gratefully received.

It is your partner who should be thanking you for all you do, not his ex.
It is his life you make easier, not hers.

School runs and appointments on his time are his to sort and they have all been delegated to you.

His ex has no reason to feel grateful that you are doing his parenting.

I think that because I work from home it's almost easier for my partner to pass me responsibility such as the appointments etc. And I do it because I can and because I don't want to say 'sort it out yourself' just because I'm not his parent.
Armful of Roses - I think you're right. I think I need to re-evaluate myself in the first instance though. Because of the amount of time I have my SS I guess I am too close and feeling aggrieved is maybe not how I should be thinking.

Why shouldn't a mum feel grateful that her child's stepmum is running around for her child?
You seriously don't think she feel grateful about someone investing so much time in to bringing her child up when they don't have to? This is the kind of attitude that makes Stepparenting shit.
If a grandparent put so much effort in to their grandchild then both parents would be thankful.
Just shows how bitter and pathetic some people are.

Wow, no I am not married to him, we will be but not until next year. How do I describe him? His kid? I am not detached enough to refer to him as a third party object. I treat him as a parent would treat a child and spend 4 days a week doing so.

I'm also not the other woman so there is no sense of anger/jealousy from his Mum in that sense.

Does he ever check you are still ok with doing all the school runs?
Are you asked before appointments are booked if it's convenient or just told about them?
Doesn't it piss you off that you now have to work evenings to save your partner any effort or cost in finding a different after school solution?

You're doing a great job, but you're not his mum. I think you would be right gently to correct if he names you that. And I don't think you should be going to parents' evening.

Why is recognition so important to you? Who do you want it from?

Unacknowledged hard work as a parent is part and parcel of step parenting. You shouldn't be doing it for recognition or applause, so suck it up. The rewards come later when they are 18 and happy.

I understand how you are feeling and it's great that you so obviously care about the welfare of your DSS.

But with all due respect you need to reconcile with yourself that your relationship and responsibilities are different from your DP's and the DM. From what you have said it concerns me that you have emotionally crossed a line in someway and feel like you are as equal as the DM in this relationship. For the sake of your DSS you need to establish some better mental boundaries.

I am concerned that your level of commitment (great though it is) is being taken advantage of by your DP. Whenever possible encourage him to fulfil his parenting role rather than yourself.

I hope that doesn't sound too harsh

I'm still not sure why you do everything for your DSS (Dear Step Son) rather than his Dad or the two of you together. It just seems a little unusual and gives the impression (I'm sure, incorrectly) that your DP (Dear Partner) doesn't spend much time with him.

I think parents evening is for mum and dad only and of course your DP can feed back anything you notice which you/he feel is pertinent and DP can feedback teachers' comments to you after. I also think you are being over-sensitive about his mum's reaction to being called your name.

I can also see why you would like to attend school plays/open assemblies and think that you should be able to. Who has stopped you from doing this?

It sounds as if you are expecting thanks/recognition from DSS's mum and teachers and I think that is unrealistic. Your DSS gives you consistent signs that he values you, which is a lovely thing. Do you get support, recognition and appreciation from your DP for all that you do for his son?

I really wouldn't be encouraging him to call you 'mama' though.That would be something I'd kick up a fuss about as a mother and a step mother

This. If my ex's wife called herself DDs "mama" I'd hit the roof, she has a mother and that's me. Just like she has a father so I'd never allow her to call my DP anything other than his name, out of respect for her dad.

I think that if it's validation you want, you need to seek it from your partner, because when you care for yur DD'S it's not his mother you're helping out, it's him.

For what it's worth, DDs father and I split up before she was born, and we've gone to every parents evening, class assembly, Xmas performance etc together. Our respective partners don't factor into it as they aren't her parents.

I think you are projecting here onto the wrong person. This is a communication with your DP issue - he's the one that should be giving recognition for the love and time you put into his son, but as in so many threads on this site - folks don't seem to do that and find it easier to lay the issue as someone else's. Talk to him - are you a 'parent' or a 'childminder' to his son and take it from there.
As for the name thing then I think it is inappropriate to call yourself mamma to him or not correct him if he uses it. Just gently say I'm 'blah blah'. It's no different to my DS calling me by my first name - it's not something I want to encourage so I either correct, tease back or ignore depending on what's most appropriate in the situation.

I'd agree that you may need to think about stepping back. Its very kind of you to do this thankless work, but honestly, the 50:50 contact time is for the child to be with both parents equally. I don't see that happening here. Is that what your partner wants for his child, or is he just glad that it is all taken care of for him? I'd expect your resentment to grow over time, too....

CantWaitForWarmerWeather - Thank you, I'm feeling a bit attacked for stepping up!
DP spends more time with him now than he did before we lived together, and that's great. I encourage him to play creatively, spend time doing things together etc but yes, I do have the lions share, in fact when he's here I really don't have 5 minutes! I have regressed to the 'can't go for a wee alone' stage!!!

I don't blame you for feeling fed up that you do so much for a child that isn't yours and neither parent recognises you for it. Like I said, if a grandparent did so much of that stuff for their grandchild and neither parent was thankful, they'd look so ungrateful! Same applies to you as a stepmum. Your DP AND his ex should both be extremely grateful that you do so much for their child when you don't have to.
And as for people saying the mum shouldn't be grateful, well if she can see that the OP is making HER child happy and is enriching his life, then why shouldn't she be grateful???

Just to put this to bed: I do not encourage him to call me Mamma!! there's some seriously twisted knickers here! I have a child, she calls me Mum, I am not secretly wishing my DSS was mine. I don't encourage him to allow me to mother him it just is what it is.

You're not his mother. Don't let him call you Mama. Don't interfere in a parental role. You don't have any rights, you are a step parent.

I have been a step parent for 7 years. They call me by my name, I have never been to their school, I tell them regularly that I love them but that I have no right to make decisions for them, because that is true.

Don't start down the path of thinking you have earned the right to anything. You haven't, you never will. You can break your own heart by letting yourself think you are his mother, because you aren't and you never will be.

FinallyHere 'Is that what your partner wants for his child, or is he just glad that it is all taken care of for him? I'd expect your resentment to grow over time, too....'

Nail on the head I think. I think I feel like if I am going to do everything then I should be treated equally. I definitely am the main carer when he's with us even if my DP is home!

YOu're never going to be treated equally. You don't have equality either in law or in fact. You have to accept this or it's going to make you miserable.

And while I am reading at my son's school, his teacher is his main carer, but that doesn't mean she is his preferred carer, or has equal rights over him.

You are his main carer because you are doing the majority of the work but the truth is, nobody asked you to. You cannot earn access to and appreciation from a child.