Is It Worth It?

[Wdigin2this]

I've read so many posts lately, from SM's whose partners don't/can't discipline their DC, for fear of them not wanting to visit or because the EW is difficult, and generally never putting their new partners first! It makes me a) glad I never went near a man with young DC, and b) think...is actually worth it?!

If it were. "Friend" or acquaintance I'd have just "walked away" long ago. Any sane adult just wouldn't bother and develope a healthy "bollocks to this!" attitude. But it's not possible.....you HAVE to keep going through "it" over and over again, down the years. And for that reason I'd say "NO, IT ISNT WORTH IT".

Well, I've just caught up with everyone's posts, (yes Hormonal that does resonate) and to be honest, I now realise that my situation is a walk in the park compared with some of yours!

In fact, my only real complaint is that, one DSC has been allowed to think of her dad's wallet as her own personal cash point. Which is soooo bloody annoying sometimes, but I realise it's not a deal breaker like some of the problems other posters have! I salute you all, and am sending a virtual each on me!

Thanks to everyone for the comments.
It was a total shock to everyone we knew. Nobody believed he would ever do it. Throughout the worst of my illness, he was wonderful. Worked, ran around after the children and never complained.
We went through a serious of hideous situations, not of our making. He actually witnessed an accident where nobody else would intervene, due to the severity. He held a man as he died, and then pretended to keep talking to him so the badly injured passenger was not aware.
The man is, and always was, my hero.

I am concerned that he has had a nervous breakdown. We were as close as two people can be.
He's agreed to separate counselling (same counsellor), this week. I know he's been to hell and back. We both have.
I have hopes that maybe we can get to the bottom of the mess, and salvage something.

I still don't regret meeting him, loving him, or marrying him.
My ex husband was an abusive dick. DH taught me about being loved and valued - and then buggered off!
Even if he can't resolve his issues, I'm grateful for what we had. It's just a mess.

Hormonal hope you're feeling better today. Despondency is definitely not a happy state.

Thank you Eliza. I don't feel despondent for myself because they way I'm feeling now if I never saw any of them again I'd be delighted. But I do, like you, feel sad for dh to whom family is everything.

When one's own children are unfair and unreasonable you're able to confront them and sort it out. With step children you're not allowed to for fear of 'rocking the boat' or giving them an excuse to punish their dad. Its just all so sad, and gives these children a kind of power they'd never have in a together family- so unhealthy.

Wdigin that's right, although your situation is very annoying, things could be worse!

Hormonal you're right, reading posts like yours, Mrs Juice and others has made me realise things are not as bad as I thought.....but having said that, we've just been in a holiday situation where DH again, paid for bloody everything and DSD, didn't so much as offer to buy him one single drink in his favourite pub! Why can't she see that such a small gesture would mean so much to him??!

hormonal give them an excuse to punish their Dad this really resonates with me. I think I find this the hardest to get over with my DSD who does this, because it works, her Dad feels especially awful if she even hints that I make her life even a fraction uncomfortable. It's like he feels he betrays her, and unfortunately she knows it! There's no way she'd have got away with that without the guilt of separation.

I have to rationalise that without separation and divorce there'd be no guilt on dh's part. Though for the life of me, I don't understand dh's guilt since he had no choice in the matter. I think there's part of DH that wants to wear that hair vest; like he "deserves" it. There's nothing I can do about that. Thing is, he blames himself....whereas his kids blame me. Meanwhile, his ex wife who's affair caused the split, comes out with much sympathy and is an emotionally delicate flower to be handled with kid gloves throughout.

None of it makes sense.

I think I'm a bit closer to finding out the reason she and her brothers feel the need to punish dh. There's always a reason.. Dh's marriage ended because exW had affair and refused to end it (dsc don't know). Dh gave her the house because she said the children would be happier at home. The week after, she put it on market. Dh paid twice what court order said just to keep her on board. But her new dh is not successful. The children are now adults and payments to their mother has stopped but he pays the 'children' directly however much they need without question.

Dsd recently told my dd in a text dd showed me that it wasn't fair that her mother could not afford to go on holiday like we do or buy new things like us.

This is why step families can be so screwed up!! Is dh supposed to give ex's new husband a salary or pay for their new child? However hard I try with my step children it always amounts to nothing, because in their eyes, I stole their dad and have the life their mum used to have. (Disclaimer- when I met dh after they split he was practically penniless for obvious reasons).

It's worth it when it all works out but unless BOTH adults are united and prepared to compromise to make it work it's doomed to failure

Hormonal as always you've hit the nail on the head! My DH was also very definitely penniless when we met, for the same reasons as yours! And while I not saying that he wouldn't be where he is today without me....I definitely helped to make the path smoother!! Which is why it galls me so damn much to see his DD taking from him as if it's her absolute right!
However, I've seen small signs of his awakening realisation of the situation of late, so I live in hope!

Wdigin the irony is I think they see it as us taking from them! I so very much hope things go from strength to strength with your enlightened dh. Unfortunately seems to enjoy being needed (used) so an unhealthy dynamic.

That should read unfortunately MINE seems to..

I would attempt to avoid going out with a man with children.
I would go out with a woman with children though.

It's worth it when it all works out but unless BOTH adults are united and prepared to compromise to make it work it's doomed to failure

Even then it depends on other adults involved being reasonable - if a parent is forced by their DCs to choose between their children and their spouse (as many seem to be), and the couple are united, it is the parent who loses their DCs.

in their eyes, I stole their dad and have the life their mum used to have.

It's a lot easier for DCs to believe this than accept that one parent behaved badly towards their other parent.

When a mother assumes a victim status, despite being the guilty party, DCs are faced with an impossible choice. The realisation that their mother was not only the guilty party, but is unwilling to take responsibility for her own actions, and instead holds others accountable for the consequences of her own poor choices, is a hard realisation to make about your own parent.

I remember reminding my DHs DCs that their mum and dad did love each other enough to get married, and chose to have DCs together. They really struggled with this because they knew that what I was saying was true, but that meant that the way in which their mum was behaving after her affair was false. (they knew about the affair from their mum). DHs existence is a constant reminder that their mum has hurt their dad, and is now playing the victim, rather than admit to her own mistakes and accept the consequences. A lot of DCs choose to cut out of their lives the parent who has been hurt, in order to feel better about remaining supportive of the parent who did the hurting.

Pretty very insightful post!
Hormonal thank you, I hope so too, and hope for a better future for you as well!

Dh's marriage ended because exW had affair and refused to end it (dsc don't know). Dh gave her the house because she said the children would be happier at home. The week after, she put it on market. Dh paid twice what court order said just to keep her on board. But her new dh is not successful. The children are now adults and payments to their mother has stopped but he pays the 'children' directly however much they need without question.

gosh Hormonal that was EXACTLY the dynamic I had with my former DP

It was like "why does laptop have the option to go travelling when she wants, flexible work she enjoys, days off drinking coffee and seeing culture etc when mum is working 70 hours a week in a high pressured job she hates because her new husband isn't as successful as she wants

and because she is blonde and photogenic she "deserves better than laptop"".

Mum had a new child with her new husband, and they feel he should go to private school - so that's another X years of paying for it.

I chose not to have a child and live like a hippy so don't have high costs but the dynamic was "that bitch laptop gets everything her own way, why isn't she working as hard as mum?".

So although former DP (who was left penniless after divorce - way before my time - but made it through, got a nice new house and cleared mortgage, good pension etc) and I could both have been in a great position to go travelling, explore the world together, the cards were on that the stepdaughters would have ruined it on behalf of their mum.

(Every night out or cheap weekend away - which my former DP would be enthusiastically suggesting at the start - ended with one of the adult daughters having a tantrum and bombarding him with phone calls and often turning up at his flat like Little Orphan Annie trying to guilt him into coming home early).

I think ex -wife (and I acknowledge and am sure there was blame on both sides for the divorce) probably imagined that because she instigated the divorce and he wanted to stay, that meant she had the "option" of getting him back when she wanted.

Oddly enough, I sometimes think if it weren't for the new child with the new husband this would probably be the best emotional option for everyone!

I had a very distressing and hurtful experience and I wonder how much damage will be done to other hapless women in the future!

One thing that did strike me is ex DP had this weird loyalty to her - maybe because the daughters are so similar to her in mannerisms and appearance, he felt he had to big her up a lot?

So it was like he had to buy into this story that ex wife was some uber feminine beauty who all others were jealous of (apparently expressing annoyance at plans being constantly sabotaged is being "jealous" of someone) because to do otherwise was disloyal to his children.

laptop and hormonal - I do agree, there can be a lot of 'rewriting stories' if one parent or child is that way inclined. And often to scapegoat their own failings. It's difficult as if it is a main parent to the kids, then of course, who are they going to believe?

My DPs ExW stirred up ill feeling last year with my step kids, saying that I was after DPs house and grabbing off him. I wish! I have more than him as it happens, and he has none!

DP remortgaged massively to buy her a house outright (despite having majority childcare at the time). Because of it we are in negative equity, with little to spare each month. She has a house she can sell anytime and cash in!

In another story, a friend of mine has got together with a lovely man, who has two kids. His Ex had an affair, kicked him out, yet now is in financial difficulties living in a caravan with her new boyfriend because she squandered all the money from DP - and has been sending him vicious emails for months because her 'new life' didn't turn out the way it planned.