Is It Worth It?

[Wdigin2this]

I've read so many posts lately, from SM's whose partners don't/can't discipline their DC, for fear of them not wanting to visit or because the EW is difficult, and generally never putting their new partners first! It makes me a) glad I never went near a man with young DC, and b) think...is actually worth it?!

And there's the rub Faith, from what I've read and experienced a lot of couples in situations where there are DSC, appear to have very different parenting patterns!

My own DH is a DisneyGrandad, who finds it very difficult to say the NO word, and it was always left to me to be the sensible Grandma who says stuff like 'no chocolate before lunch etc'!

With the arrival of his latest DGC, I've rebelled and said 'OK, give them the load of chocolate/sweets/rubbish they want then!' Resulting in DH sheepishly taking sickly, messy, sugar fuelled DGC home to disapproving parents! He's learning....slowly!

Tempus, sadly you are right that dependency is nothing to do with age, as I know with regard to one of my DSC who, though they have DC of their own, still seems to consider themselves as a dependant child!

However, things are improving of late, partly because I've more or less mentally removed myself from the situation, but more so because DH has at last woken up to the fact that he's been taken for a financial ride!

I'm sorry to hear that your marriage is so unstable, but I certainly understand and appreciate your unhappiness!

Yes Wdigin When I was younger I was with somebody who had DC and we were totally different to each other. Ex DP sounds exactly like your DP. Mind you he didn't do a lot, just said yes to chocolate etc as it's easier than saying no. Ultimately I couldn't handle it. At the time I thought never again but then I couldn't help falling in love with DP and thankfully we're on the same page (as much as two people could be anyway). Too often you're right and the situation is more likely to be like my ex-DP than my DP now.

Pretty your posts really resonated with me - 1) because I'm fairly newly living with DP so I'm experiencing the realities of being with someone with DC and a toxic ex even though I've been with him for 2 years and 2) because DP's stbxw also found him a grotty flat to live in...what's that all about?!

I had no idea how hard being in a relationship with someone with so much baggage (I hate that word, can't think of a suitable alternative though!) would be. When I first met DP I thought he was already divorced and him having 2 DC didn't phase me. I have 2 nephews that I adore so I incredibly naively thought it would be fine. I don't think you can ever really know the nuances of that dynamic until you're quite far down the line, and fully invested.

DP tries his best to understand things from my perspective and he's not a disney dad at all, so I'm lucky there. But his ex is truly horrible (she was like that before I came on the scene so it's not just about me) and seems to have such a hold over him. The emotional abuse is a daily occurrence, not just aimed at DP but the DC too.

Add to that the 2 children who, on the surface really make an effort when they're here, but scratch a little deeper and you can see they wish none of this was happening. I can't understand how a DM (or DF, it's not always the DM) wouldn't put her own bitterness feelings aside and ensure her DC feel safe and comfortable visiting their DF and his DP. How is it a bad thing that children have more people in their lives to support them and cheer them on?

But seeing the conflict in the DC's eyes when they're here is heartbreaking and makes me want to run for the hills - not just for my own sanity, but to stop them from being in this position.

Andso reading your post made me so sad! I can't understand it either, why would a parent make life even more difficult for their DC after separation. As I've said many times, I avoided men with young * DC, because I didn't think I could cope with the dynamics. Of course dependancy isn't just about age, but I know I wouldn't have wanted the whole visiting^ thing.

I'm glad those children have you in their lives, and really hope their mother stops giving them unnecessary grief soon!

Don't know what happened with the italics in my last post?!

Wdigin Thank you, that's a lovely kind thing to say.

Life can be hard and cruel all on it's own, I just wish people didn't go out of their way to make it that way.

The other element that we're considering is whether we bring another child in to the scenario. I don't have children and always just assumed I would but now I don't know if that's the right thing to do, considering the responsibility DP (and I) already have and the potential knock on effect. It's nice to read stories of half siblings being very close, though. That gives me hope!

I think ^ make italics^ We shall see :)

Yes they do

^problem solved^

We see very little of DSS these days. His Uni is the other side of the country, and when he comes back in the holidays, he stays with his mum, only visiting us occasionally, despite us only being 10 miles from his mum, and he has a car.

It seems that without an access rota to dictate contact, both DSS and DH struggle to have a relationship, which is sad, particularly as DSS quickly morphed into a really nice young man once he left home. DH/DSS never had a relationship based on free will, there was never any spontaneous or off-rota contact, and this seems to have set a precedent, ie: no rota means no contact.

No, definitely not worth it. I wish I could go back in time and tell myself to run for the hills. Unfortunately I was young and very stupid :(

Ah well....you can't put an old head on young shoulders! Most of us made rubbish decisions of some sort when we were young!

I dont think so. If i could have my time over i would not get involved with a man who had children from a previous marriage. I had no children of my own and was naive to how much it would impact our lives.

Yes I too was completely invested, moved in and pregnant before the real cracks showed!

My DPs ExW seemed entitled but otherwise not a huge cause for concern, my DSCs really took to me and my son and he called them his sisters - this was for at least 2 years! I think it was when I was pregnant and the DSCs being quite happy, that started his ExW throwing fits and I started to see her kids distance themselves because of divided loyalties.

So sometimes it is only when you are fully invested, and obviously in a permanent, serious relationship that some feelings or kickback comes about from Exes and/or DSCs.

Yes you're right Bananas that can and does happen! But as my DC were late teens when I was separated, my first priority, when on the dating scene, was to just not go there if the guy had small/young kids! I wouldn't even go on the first date, and when I first met my DH, one of the very first things I asked was 'Have you got children, and how old are they?' As it happens all of our DC are of a similar age, so I did invest in the relationship....mind you that is not to say there weren't other problems along the way, but I never had to cope with the ew/eow visiting thing....and I know I would have found that hard!

I think that you were very wise Wdigin! Not to go for a man with small kids. I had other people warn me not to go there too, however I was naive!

Although anyone who knew my DP thought it would really work between myself and DP is well liked and has a kind nature.

I didn't really think through that sometimes it is NOT the man who is 'the useless one' in a separation, and that can mean the Ex wants to hang on to something good, and also that 'being kind' as a separated father means more guilty and indulging the kids, and getting pulled into not thinking that his needs (or the relationships needs) are as important as his kids.

Lesson well learnt now though!

Yeah well, that's the the thing with nice, kind, considerate men, they do suffer from extreme guilt because they are not with their DC on a daily basis!
My DH, is the nicest guy you'd wish to meet, but he is such a pushover when certain people play the guilt card!!! Things have improved considerably this last 12 months though!

Sounds like something has happened to make your DH rethink whether his generosity is always a good thing? I hope so, as it sounds like your more entitled DSD is passing on this to future generations!

Yes Bananas he has had some unpleasant shocks lately....all of which I of course, have seen coming for a long time!

He has become a little less inclined to dance to her tune as a result, and he even caused a bit of a ruck recently, when the said DC got miffed and disappeared for a week or so! Much to my surprise he did not even talk about it, let alone contact her...so I think the scales are beginning to fall from his eyes...at last!

What makes me so so sad is....WHY does it have to be a battle of wits? People do say "you KNEW what you were taking on, marrying a man with kids" but actually, it never occurred to me that we would have the scenario we have now. And I have a son from a previous marriage and there's been more issues there. He's now a stroppy 15 yr old who we barely see (he has Aspergers so this amplifies the reclusive teen thing) but there's never been any animosity of pandering needed, like there was with dh's youngest daughter.

As a younger single woman, I avoided dating men with children (I was childless, at the time). I knew that it wasn't a good idea and might cause conflict. However, years later, as a divorcee with a son of my own I was thrilled to be getting three step kids (all teens at the time). But it's turned into a battlefield with one of them and I now really resent her for having done this. Any chance of even a "rubbing along for dh's sake" relationship is not possible now. That's how much I dislike her for all the trouble she's caused.

Sorry, should read "I have a son from previous marriage and NO issues there"

It's been totally worth it for us.
The DCs have to come first: not in a Disney way, but in that their needs and feelings have to be met and considered. Children are children and therefore their understanding of a situation and how they express it isn't always fair or even correct, but for them it's still valid.
We have 5 DCs between us and it isn't always easy, but we rub along well and love each other.

Eliza, I know people say 'you knew etc' but as has been said....sometimes the problems arent apparent until you are in too deep! Which is why I was not prepared to even date a man who had DC, young enough to warrant the e/w or whatever visitation thing, and all that entails!
Have to say though, it wasn't easy....I kissed a lot of frogs before finding my Prince!

Widgin . I'm 54 so you can imagine the amphibian parade I went through! Thing is, the one causing all the upset was 18. Not a ten yr old! I still just don't get it. We now have years ahead of us of trying to organise things without me there or DH and sd having their relationship minus any mention of me. It just shouldn't have been this way. I came into her dads life 4 yrs after her mum's affair which ended their marriage. We the took 4 years of long distance dating before we married and moved in together. It wasn't quick. I think it was OK for dad to have a girlfriend but she took it very badly when he told his 3 we were getting married. God, it's a mess. No, not worth it.

bananas you're absolutely right about the kind, considerate men feeling like their needs and feelings don't/shouldn't matter.

That's one of our biggest issues, his ex plays on that and it regularly causes issues. Here's hoping he starts to see it for what it is, like wdigin's DH has recently done!