Is It Worth It?

[Wdigin2this]

I've read so many posts lately, from SM's whose partners don't/can't discipline their DC, for fear of them not wanting to visit or because the EW is difficult, and generally never putting their new partners first! It makes me a) glad I never went near a man with young DC, and b) think...is actually worth it?!

It is a massively different dynamic. And different again since I had our dd. My dscs absolutely adore her and she them. To see them together you would think they were full siblings who live with each other 24/7. She is only 2 and is starting to really struggle with understanding why hey are not here all the time. She often cries for ages after them go home on a contact weekend and definitely will on Sunday as they have been here for the last week.

In spite of their mum's BS, lies and manipulation they have accepted me into their lives and seem to enjoy having me around. I know I am exceptionally lucky for this! I have been in their lives for 4 years and although in the beginning things were hard it has been good for some time now.

Their mum refuses to say no to them or tell them off for bad behaviour. She still lays out their clothes for the next day, they aren't allowed to go downstairs in a morning til everyone is up, cannot help themselves to anything in the kitchen - not even a glass of water. As a result they expect to be waited on hand and foot. They were entitled brats rude and at times horrible to be around. But as I said before this isn't their fault. Dp was banned from ever disciplining them, not even allowed to tell them no if they asked or something in a shop for example. Consequently he switched off, detached I guess as a lot of step mums are advised to do in similar situations. It took a lot of support from me and guidance to give him the confidence to take on a proper parent role and stop trying to be their best mate. But since he has and we are now working as a united front things changed dramatically. The kids have strong boundaries here but they also have immensely more freedoms too than they get at their mums. They are much nicer people to be around! They are polite and considerate of other people, they are turning into lovely young people and I am very proud to be a part of that transition.

Of course there should be a balance, but it's not always easy to find, especially when you both have DC from other relationships. I imagine it's very different if you've never had your own DC, and I don't mean that as a criticism! I did experience this in a way, we'd had only one DGC for many years, (DH's) who we considered 'ours' ...then another one came along (mine) and there is a difference in how I feel, no matter how hard I try to supress it!

I used the term, 'never putting the new partner first' because in some posts I've read here, the poster describes a situation where it would appear that they are always the last to be considered,...no matter how much they give, which may strike a note for Cantwait!

Anyway, I'm pleased to hear that sometimes it does work, and everyone gets on, but there are always exceptions, and I'm sorry you have had such a hard time Eliza. You're probably right, that there's nothing you can do, and I wouldn't blame you for re-thinking your future!

Yes OP, there's a massive difference I feel between posts and situations such as

He has children, she doesn't
He has children, she has children

He has children, she doesn't, they have one together
He has children, she has children, they have one together

Add into this some that live part time, full time, split time, and no two peoples situations are going to be the same - and some are bloody hard work compared to others.

I come from step families with both sides having children and no new ones created - and as teenagers it was shit

DP comes from a family that had step sibling that was never seen, new children came together, and it was ok but there are moments with full siblings and half siblings

My children and his are from a mix

It's why we have decided no more children. It would just make it too hard for us.

It's weird because I was the first to be considered when it came to making arrangements (that is, it would be expected that I would do this and I would do that without question just because I'm not working), but yet at the same time I was the last to be considered - Making an arrangement between them that seemed OK to them probably wouldn't be for me. So much lack of thought. Think DS's first day at school!

Cantwait the situation you describe is not what I meant about the "woe is me" brigade. It's the people like the woman who posted on Here the other day who was bitching about her partners kids texting him to say hi and chat about their days. He ones who view the mere existence of their partners kids as a massive inconvenience and the reason their lives are not perfect.

The situation you describe is exactly the sort of shit my dscs mum pulls. Apparently my maternity leave meant I was on call 24/7 for childcare, school pick ups/drops offs etc. My dp realised once everything was finalised with house/divorce etc that she no longer had a hold on him and he started standing up to her. She expects us to change contact at a moment's notice to suit her but on the 2 occasions we have asked her to change (both for dd being rushed into hospital) she has flatly refused so now he refuses to change contact. She arranges things like comicon on dps weekends and then gets vile if he says no because we have plans and then refuses contact for ages. We are saving up to take her to court if she does it again.

My DC have a stepdad. For them and for him, it's well worth it and worth all the hard work. For me: it's incredible and I'm so fortunate. A life enhancing experience for all of us.

I have two DSD's. My DP is stepdad to my two DDs. My DP's relationship with my two girls is really good, they get on well. He's a good man and he will drive them to work, school, clubs, activities etc. He also disciplines them if needed, mainly telling them to clear up their mess but he will do it.

My relationship with my oldest DSD is good, she's an adult now and I met her when she was 16. It's not been plain sailing but she was very open with her hostility and we worked things out. I've spent a lot of time with her and she's matured into a lovely young woman who is really happy and content with her life. We still see her as much as possible but her and her boyfriend live and work miles away and between everyone's odd working shifts it's hard to get a day when we are all free.

My youngest DSD is 12 and if anything, she is the biggest issue in our relationship. I've talked about this endlessly on this forum but nothing has been resolved. She's currently refusing to see her dad and won't even talk to him on the phone. We have no idea why. And she won't tell us. I have no doubt this will briefly end when it's her birthday in a couple of months and then resume not long after. Pretty much what happened at Christmas. Call me cynical.

Ask me in a few years

Teenage dsd is currently 'punishing' Dp for coming to a hospital appointment with me.

She didn't want to go to her GP's with dd so stayed at home.

She refused to answer her phone or the house phone so Dp was worried sick. Then when we got home she was holed up in her room with a headache and saying she's been sick when she was on her own (but she somehow managed to polish off half the biscuits and a couple of pop tarts ).

Amazingly the second it was time for dd to go to bed she made a miraculous recovery!

Grr sorry, we usually rub along fine but have been having a lot of issues this last visit with her ignoring/being cruel to dd.

Coffeeisnectar it's strange how often, it's the youngest daughter who is the proble. Haven't seen mine now for 5 years (she's 22 now). She objected strongly to dad (my DH) having anyone of importance in his life. And voted with her feet, I'm afraid. The eldest sd is a delight.

Eliza She most certainly is most put out by my very existence in his life. And my DD's. And yet my DD's have tried so hard to try and get on with her but she refuses to have anything to do with my youngest (who is 2 years younger than her) and my oldest has now lost interest in her due to a) being nearly 18 and b) seeing how sneaky and manipulative she's been over the years.

Her mum doesn't help. She has made it clear from day one that us being in his life was an issue, told him that his DD was not coming here to see anyone but him, certainly not 'that woman and her kids'. So the attitude started from her and has been passed on to his DD and after years of snide comments about anything being spent on my DD's (bitching about having to spend £350 kitting out teen in new school uniform when we moved - like I was happy with spending that??) and the endless sniping about my youngest at any opportunity, the sneaky behaviour, the bitching to her mum, the lies, the endless bloody lies that she gets caught out on and then cries when caught so she doesn't get told off. I am drained. Totally and utterly drained. She poured a drink on DD's bed so she would think she had wet the bed (we were out all day, DSD was in with her dad), she's shut DD's hand in the door deliberately, she has lied about me stealing her things (phone chargers, socks, keys - all found elsewhere like friends houses but no apology), she tells her mum I don't ask her to do anything in the house like I do my own DD's (because DP thinks that's unfair), so I start asking her to do things and then she tells her mum I make her do things and I'm picking on her. I have just completely withdrawn from her now.

I feel bad for DP because she won't even talk to him anymore. His exbil said it's because of the 'traumatic experience on her last visit' which we are stumped about. Her last visit was Xmas when she was here for four days and the only traumatic thing to happen was her kicking off because DP wouldn't let her sleep over at a friends. He told her if she was here more often it wouldn't be an issue but when it's a few days every few months then no, he wants to see her but she would rather sit on Skype from waking until 10pm. That is all she does.

Eliza- I'm in your position and decided that if I'm invited to anything in the future because dh insists, I simply won't go.

Coffee that sounds really sad and awful. What can you do about that? At least it's obvious that she has the problem. It would be dreadful if she turned your DP against you.

His exbil said it's because of the 'traumatic experience on her last visit' which we are stumped about

Ah, yes, my DHs DS had one of those.

Contact had been sporadic, turbulent and tricky but ex had no alternative childcare DS suddenly wanted to do an overnight after months with NC, so DH and I agreed that I'd keep a low profile, and only join them for one meal.

After the visit, ex said that her DS had been 'traumatised' by my treatment of him. Contact ceased (again). When asked by CAFCASS what I'd done to upset him, apparently I'd "talked to him".

That was years ago. I've not seen him since. DH takes him out now and again, when ex can't find anyone else to look after him DS wants a day trip out.

Pretty and Coffee....what you've described would be my worst nightmare in blended family life! It's appalling that, just because you met and married/lived with a man, all your lives are turned upside down! I think, even though it's so sad for the father's, I would be grateful to never see these DSC again!

Was it worth it? Well I love DH enough to have stayed with him during the EOW visit years ( DSS is now away at uni). Those years were often truly ridiculous, with DH jumping through hoops to ensure he never rocked the boat with his ex, and DSS had to be totally indulged to ensure he kept visiting. It wasn't a healthy way to live for any of us, and since DSS started uni, life has been far easier.

If I'd had children of my own, or if I'd had a child with DH, I don't think it would have worked - because an extra child in the mix would have meant DSS/the ex couldn't have been obeyed quite so easily .......

If you are in - say - your early to mid-thirties and are interested in a longterm relationship that will include children at some point, these are your likely options

1. a bloke who can do relationships but doesn't want children so hasn't had any
2. someone who is commitment-phobic so hasn't had a relationship that involves children
3. someone with a complicated personal history which means any relationships they've had have been very brief or non-existent
4. someone totally scarred by a break-up who doesn't mind having a sexual relationship with somebody new, but has no interest in actually getting to know them.
5. someone who is up for possible commitment and likes children, but whose previous committed relationship didn't work out. However, they'd be up for trying again when the time and the person is right.

I went for 5. Being a step-parent had its complications, but we are together 20 years down the line.

what you've described would be my worst nightmare in blended family life! It's appalling that, just because you met and married/lived with a man, all your lives are turned upside down!

Both DH and I have asked ourselves numerous times "is it worth it?". The considerations are different for both of us. For him, he's not confident that things would be different if he was single; his ex was difficult before I came along, and there is every likelihood that he'd have no relationship with his DCs even if he was living alone in the grotty flat his ex picked out for him. So, he says it's worth it because not only does he have a relationship with me, but he plays a role in my DDs life, even though he can't play a role in his own DCs.

For me, it's a bit different, because I have to weigh up the value of my relationship with him, and his relationship with DD against the chaos and drama we experience. The first 4 years were hell, and if it was still like that now, I don't think we would still be together; or at least, we wouldn't be sharing our lives, although we probably wouldn't split completely, just live separately. Fortunately, ex's decision to keep the DCs away from DH and I has been the best thing for us - and although I supported DH through court, I wasn't disappointed when they effectively placed the decision in the DCs hands (which of course, gave ex what she wanted).

I can't say I blame you Pretty!
It's totally beyond my understanding as to why mothers do this with their DC. No matter how much you hate your ex, and/or his new DP, why would you use your DC in your revenge campaign, it's so damaging? I'm a wife and an ex/wife, my (grown) DC have a SM, whom they love, and she loves them....and that's just fine by me!

Petal, I recall your posts about the EOW regime.How often do you see DSS now? Has he grown up and become more independant? Your insight about other dc is spot on.

Dsd goes to Uni this year and I think it will be great for her as she will hopefully learn to think for herself.

Pretty, I pretty much have the same balance as you.I doubt dhs ex would have behaved any differently if DH was single.She has another ex husband now and he has had the exact same treatment and has been alienated from their joint children.

Petal, I remember your posts too - has the EOW etc calmed down now?

My DH is a truly lovely man but I do wish now that I'd never met him. Goes without saying that I would never again date a man with dependant DC.

Tempus, that's certainly a strong comment! I would not say that, because a) I'm very happy with my DH, and b) all our DC were grown when we met, so I never really had all the problems that go with dependant DC.....but that's not to say, there were no problems! Although things are better now, we've had our ups and downs!

Petal....yes I would imagine another child in the mix would have been chaotic! I'm glad life is calmer for you now!

Totally worth it but only if both of you are on the same page and manage each other's expectations. But then I know I'm incredibly lucky, DP does discipline his DD, he's not a Disney dad and tbh he parents in a way that I would if she were mine anyway. If we had totally different viewpoints it wouldn't be worth it at all.

Wdigin I consider leaving my marriage nearly every single day because I find sharing my space with others so very hard

I am glad that you're happy although I would argue that your DSC are still dependant - it's not age that determines dependency but attitude