Is It Worth It?

[Wdigin2this]

I've read so many posts lately, from SM's whose partners don't/can't discipline their DC, for fear of them not wanting to visit or because the EW is difficult, and generally never putting their new partners first! It makes me a) glad I never went near a man with young DC, and b) think...is actually worth it?!

MrsJuice - I'm so sorry to hear that. You invested so much and he just ran off. How sad.

Pax I do see what you are saying. However, I think my own son was dying to be part of a bigger family. He is incredibly social, has a big heart and couldn't wait for me to get a boyfriend and it was the 'best thing ever' when I had another child.

He is a little cynical now as his step siblings have distanced themselves, and weren't as open or welcoming of the positive aspects that me and my son bought along. My son had a Dad, who I made sure he saw regularly and they have a great relationship. So it wasn't about replacing things.

Unfortunately for us the ExW and DSCs didn't want to adjust at all and have a pretty small minded attitude. So we didn't get that positive step family. But I do believe it is possible!

Penguin I'm pleased that you too have a warm attitude towards your own family. Warmth - it is a good place to start. I had this too, and although it got damaged. At least I can say that I was warm towards everyone, ExW, DSCs. They were too mean to make the most of it. But my son and I at least have that attitude to take into the world outside.

I feel much like Waltermittythesequel. No regrets, because that would mean regretting my DH and my own DC, and I do have a good relationship with DSS. Would I do it again? No. I would like to start a family without the permanent tightrope walk and one where there isn't one child who wishes my DH was with somebody else still.

Pax I agree.

Pax YES! one child who wishes my DH was with somebody else still. I think that's it. No matter what happens, no matter how I tried or welcomed youngest sd, I was only ever (barely) tolerated. It's not what his 3 wanted (and I don't blame his kids for feeling that) but also, it wasn't my fault their mother ended their idyllic young lives by cheating on her husband, having her affair for 2 yrs and refusing to give up her boyfriend. She DID however, offer to keep the family together whilst her and (my now) DH lived in the same home but separately and she could see her boyfriend as and when. Oddly, DH didn't go for that offer .

By the time I came along, there was still hope that mum and dad would get back together. They had a beautiful home, several holidays a year, nice cars and a comfy middle class lifestyle. However, the boyfriend refused to leave HIS wife and kids and suddenly, their mum was alone again and emotionally wrecked. It must have been dreadful for his 3 but the hostility given me still didn't make sense all those years later.

In my experience, I would have to say NO!

I've been a step parent for over 18 years now to stepson and stepdaughter and haven't found it easy at all. I've never felt comfortable disciplining them simply because they aren't my kids and I always dreaded being labelled the evil step father. Also, my partner always questioned my reason for the discipline which left me feeling like I'd done wrong, so I got into the habit of holding back.

I won't go into detail, but the last 6 years have been horrendous and the last 2 week have gotten worse.

This is very sad mrjobson, how old out of interest were the children when you met their mum? As adults now it saddens me they can't be supportive of the relationship you have with their mum.

My dad, my second "step" dad met my mum after I had left home for uni I was 20, my brother is a fair bit younger than me he was 11 and so lived with him. I never did, I was sucpicous at first I wasn't nasty by any means but having seen my mum get hurt so badly before I was sucpicous (also very young and at "that's age) but he took that all in his stride, and took time to get to know me too even though I didn't live at home.

We both adored him, both of us saw him as our father he wasn't an easy man at times but he was a good man, he was kind to our mum he really was the love of her life and really did love us all very much. Both of us were devesatated when he passed away last year, we miss him dreadfully.

Pax I am worried about this. My H has left for someone who has a child she has sole custody of. They don't live together but I know he spends time with the child. He worked away from home, and this relationship is with someone local, so it is quite possible he already sees this child more than his own children, who he sees EOW at his Parents' house (only an hour from where I live, rather than 4 hours). The child is a bit younger than our Third child. My Girls adore their Father but don't know about OW or her child yet. The OW is only 24 and, he told me before, has considered adopting a child. H has had a vasectomy but there is always reversal. All this is yet to come and I am fretting dreadfully. It hurts like crazy that someone else's child, not even his biological one like a half-sibling, might have him all the time whereas his own children won't. And, if he has another child, won't the feel he picked it over them?

Heartbroken how awful...don't know what to say, but here's some

Agree with pp, I wouldn't trade my dp or dc in for anything....but if I had my time again I would avoid a man with a child/children like the plague.

Every conversation and decision is so loaded

For instance today dsd is going back to see her nan for a few days. There is no set time for this.

Dp asked me to take her back (I'm the only driver) at five. I've said can we do it at four.

My reason for this is that we have an autistic dd. dinner time is at 5pm. This is our routine every night and anyone that knows anything about autism knows you don't fuck with the routines except for a very very good reason.

My dp apparently heard this as 'dsd visiting is such an inconvenience and I'd rather her not be here'

Any decision, any input or even any comment I might make about dsd is meticulously scrutinised for any favouritism for my own children or secret hatred of dsd.

Dsd isn't actually any problem. It's the fucked up family dynamic and oversensitivity caused by that that would make me say 'No thankyou' if I was walking into it with my eyes open this time.

Missus that sounds bloody awful, you'd be walking on eggshells all the time. My DH, has ridiculously over indulged one DSC to the point she expects the world on a silver platter, but lately, even he has woken up to the fact he's being taken for a ride!

Heartbroken4, I hope your Ex will tell your dc soon about the OW and her child. Secrecy would only add to the hurt they will experience. A family with a much your SM has its own problems as well, I don't know how old your kids are, but it is often particularly bad for children to be presented with a step-parent of plausible sibling age in my experience.

And of course kids older than your own can compare unfavourably, as the OW will no doubt find out. When ours were small, I remember being shocked at perfectly normal teenage behaviour and a 1 year old PFB has a lot less attitude than an 8 year old.

9, 7, 5, 2 1/2 Pax.

Off course it isn't always easy. (But what family ever is?). But in balance I now couldn't imagine our family unit to be any other way..

What is your family set up Bakerandspice? I know that you've read about mine so I just wondered Clearly I'd never have it any other way either lol.

Pax
I have twin boys aged 15, DP has a boy also 15 and a daughter 13.. The boys all bond as my DP takes them to play masses of sports etc..

Eliza that really resonates with me.

I actually met an OH with uni age kids (you can't even argue that I was disrupting their childhoods)

long divorced - mum left dad.

but their mum wasn't happy with her new relationship - she was very attractive in her youth, met a younger man (good sportsman but never made any money out of it), and thought of saw herself as some glamourous type who got a toyboy who was drawn to her "beauty".

but along the line she ended up working lunatic hours to maintain him and their son together and resents it.

The daughters decided to take their mothers bad marriage out on me - I am (and was when dating their dad) a content bluestocking childfree type who enjoys all the social flexibility that brings.

I made choices so I can live like a hippy and be creative and work part time.

I think they hugely resented this about me( to the extent of suggesting I raise my working hours, didn't have "date nights" with dad or do anything nice ).

transferring the lack of attention and the unhappiness of their mother onto me as an easy target?

It was like I was expected to be the "emotional fall guy" for all the family shit and insecurities. The daughters would make comments about my "doc marten lesbian shoes" (tasteless enough in itself) and I'd be caricatured as this Plain Jane jealous weirdo to make their mum look good

And although he had some good qualities which is what drew us together, I think dad quite liked this dynamic - he liked deluding himself he had this ex-wife and daughters who everyone was "jealous" of.

laptop some of this resonates with me. I have had 2 relationships with men with kids, and the same features sadly came through after some time and investment:

(1) SM becomes the fall guy for all the emotional crap in the family she has come in to.
(2) the father doesn't put any energy into making it work, therefore hanging SM out to dry / feeding her to the vultures / many other metaphors I can think of!

I would NEVER date a man with kids again. It would take serious evidence that he was one very special kind of man, prepared to pull his weight, and even then I would be really, really wary.

Too many trusting, giving women's lives are being wrecked by their attempts to be good stepmothers in toxic situations. I know, I'm one, now picking up the pieces!

I was stupidly naive when I met DH and didn't have anyone with experience of step families so never even considered the difficulties that lay ahead.Looking back I realise there are many factors that made the situation worse which I would now advise others to assess.

1.dh's ex is a high conflict person, I assumed this was temporary due to a marriage ending but now realise its a personality trait.She has been married 3 times and blames everyone else.This extends to her work colleagues and neighbours.I would have run had I know this but not sure DH or I had the knowledge at the time but her responses were never reasonable so that should have been the warning sign.Our choice with the ex was to acquieuse to her demands or use court to resolve.We have learnt (along with her other ex husbands) that there is no middle way.Court for us however was positive so I would advise this route with high conflict individuals but it was also so draining as I tend to avoid confrontation.

2.Dh and his ex have very different values and this makes parenting DSD challenging.An example is DSD is materialistic and highly competitive which clashes with our home values.We disappoint her because we dont value the designer clothes and cars and the gulf is widening as DSD gets older and into adulthood.DH and his ex separated because of differences such as this and therefore it was predictable that parenting would always been challenging.Having other dc's when you have different values makes family life so difficult.I should have realised the daily impact of dsd's values on the rest of the family as this is fundamental to any relationship.

3.Dh cannot discipline DSD and he has been over indulgent to her.I thought it was an admirable trait as being a good dad is so important but I should have run when I realised it was excessive.He couldn't correct her having a tantrem "as it would embarrass her" when she was 4 has lead to a teen with very little respect for her dad.

The step monster book captures the no win situation most step mums are in but I'm sure most women hope that their situation will be the exception.

Laptop your situation has parallels with my own.

I know that dh's ex wanted to get back together, years after the break. He'd moved in (not with ME....there'd been other relationships) but even so, I think everyone thought it "only a matter of time" til they were reunited. His ex was not told we had married (it would have been too upsetting for her) so the poor kids had to just not mention it. About a year passed and she found out and was devasted. Apparently, DH was supposed to wither and die without her, not remarry. So then, I was kind of forced into the background again, never mentioned, never seen at anything where she and I might meet because "it'd be too upsetting for mum". I became somewhat invisible

Even now (we've been together 11 yrs and married for 7) his daughter has said she is willing to "accept me" but I am not to be invited to anything of importance because in his daughter's words "Why would SHE want to come to something my mother will be at anyway?"

I can't win. I'm expected to smile and nod and "do the right thing" but shrivel away into the background when it suits them, like I don't exist.

After my posts to you Eliza telling you not to feel despondent.. I'm feeling a little myself today. The only of dh's children who will visit, dsd17, had decided she now won't.

The reason? Apparently I don't love her or care about her at all. Feels like a kick in the stomach after everything I've done for her. The only thing I have not done is to take her out and about with me because she told dh she wouldn't be 'forced' into coming out with me. She will also only speak to me at home through dh. Accordingly, I decided to back off and let dh parent her, though still managed to make her favourite dinners, (separate to anyone else), ferry her and her friends around, do her washing. Now I'm a cold uncaring bitch who doesn't give a shit about her.

Because she now has an ongoing medical problem of which I have done everything I can to support her in, (Wdigin this will resonate with you), everyone tiptoeing around her, scared they'll say the wrong thing especially Dh, as she recently cut him off for 4 months. My instinct's telling me she just hates the set up here, ie dh and me living with my kids who adore him.

Who in their right mind would want this?

Laptop I completely and totally get your situation! It strikes me yours is like petty, jealous school girl behaviour from all of them. Being spiteful and horrid. How annoying! It's like bully behaviour.

Eliza, new name, daft geranium too. More and more I do feel like the most stressful SM situations are those where the DSCs or ExW are bullied and treated as if they do not have feelings, or cannot be hurt. As if we are stripped of human qualities and vulnerabilities. So that then is free reign to dump all the family dysfunctions onto us. My DP is kind and therefore a little weak, you'd need a husband of steel to deflect some of this!

Sorry, muddled second paragraph again! (I have typing phone with toddler jumping on me syndrome). DSC bullying SM it should read.

This thread seems to show unless a parent is dead, nc or in prison, tread carefully. If early in the dating process with a parent of young kids, keep looking. If you're lucky you will create a sort of best of a bad lot functioning family by tearing yourself apart. If you're unlucky you remain the hated sm and scapegoat, turn into an embarrassing secret or your own kids have to suffer.

I do wonder what questions dss might have about his nc bio mum when he's older. He is so settled and well-adjusted that we just get on with it.

We start our adoption process on Monday.

Good to hear late, hope the adoption process goes well.

Maybe your DSS will question when he is older. But his bedrock will be you and his Dad.