Is It Worth It?

[Wdigin2this]

I've read so many posts lately, from SM's whose partners don't/can't discipline their DC, for fear of them not wanting to visit or because the EW is difficult, and generally never putting their new partners first! It makes me a) glad I never went near a man with young DC, and b) think...is actually worth it?!

That is lovely late.

I am a sm and it is hard at times but I don't regret marrying my husband I love him enough to deal with the difficult parts. I have a ds from a previous relationship and my dh loves him as much as the rest of our children which is the main reason I love him so much.

Interesting post wdigin - and a very valid one.

I do think that my son and my DSCs have had gained a lot from our relationship. Much as it has worn me out, the youngest two DSCs needed stability which they didn't have before. Their Dad and Mum were both out a lot with a series of very short term affairs, they were both arguing a lot with each other, there was a lot of confusion and acting as if they were together but not together. My eldest DSD told me of her mother turning up at the middle of night to drag her out of bed to take her home as she didn't like one of DPs girlfriends at the time.

As much as the eldest ones resented having to be cordial and weren't bought up to have manners, I did bring a sense of boundaries and normality. Their father's house was bare and not homely, I made it cosy and nice. We had Christmas trees for the first time, we celebrated every birthday, I was another rock in their lives.

I was another pair of eyes and ears who would notice if the DSCs needed new shoes, were struggling with their homework. I took the youngest one out every single weekend for five years, to the cinema, to the circus, to get ice creams. I helped take care of them and pick them up. I took them away on holidays without DP.

Actually, if I'd have been able to discpline or even advise eldest DSD she wouldn't have ended up making some terrible life choices that she deeply regrets and both her mother and DP even admit I had a good insight into at the time.

Although for me it wasn't worth it, the stress was nuts. Most of that came from being relegated to the background and the DSCs and EXW acting as if DP was still theirs to control. DP took the easy road as his EXW would put him through hell if he didn't. It wasn't great for my son to have to put up with rudeness while I struggled trying to get his eldest step siblings to treat him with kindness.

I got there in the end, but it was like walking into a new house and having to spend a fortune clearing up and on repairs before you can even paint the walls!

My children have a far better life with step parents. They have a half sister, a step mother who tries bloody damn hard with them, and although we sometimes bicker, it's mostly ok.

My partner enriches their lives through emotional and financial support. His son adds a dynamic to us all, and I adore being his stepmother, although we are all lucky to be very vocal with our issues and unhappiness.

I have a stepdad myself which hasn't been easy. But he is an amazing grandfather to my children.

My stepmother on the other hand ruined my life with my father.

Step relationships are NOT easy. My stepson would agree to that - he does not get on with his stepfather. But on the whole if you are both adults, and good parents, you will find it easier.

Pink & Late...whilst t think you're both very fortunate in your blended families, I also recognise your very valid input....no doubt things would not be so smooth if you didn't care or try with your DSC.

Can't....although I certainly appreciate why you would not take the same road again, I'm with 3 in that I don't regret marrying my husband. All of our DC were grown when we got together, (a conscious choice on my part) but as those who have read my posts on one particular DSC will know, it has been and continues to be a far from easy journey! However, life seems recently to have turned a small corner, and DH is at last beginning to openly acknowledge, what he has always known...he's been taken for a ride!

Bananas....as always, you seem to get my point and I certainly get yours! Your path with the DSC has never been easy, but as it is now becoming obvious, your insight was spot on....it's a pity that wasn't recognised from the beginning!

Trixie...I think that admission is extremely generous of you!

OP, it isn't easy. For me it's been worth it - but it's taken a lot of work, and we are older parents in that we are mid to late thirties and our children are slightly easier, being aged 8-14.

But if you'd asked me fifteen years ago, I hated step parents. Hated the idea of anyone entering into a life which already had children.

I see so many men and women enter into relationships involving children so quickly. "Step" parents are introduced from a few weeks in, new siblings come along after only a year, things are pushed and rushed. Then there is resentment when the other parent or child feels vulnerable or pushed out. It's not an easy ride, and for so many it isn't worth it.

For me it was.

I happily put my hands up and apologise as I can see I misread the intention behind the original post, an excuse of sorts but I have had an awful week of it on so many levels so I misunderstood the intention and I do apologise but want to explain why I said what I did.

The reason I said it was a goady post is that to me it seemed that way, not knowing your situation or involvement in the "step" world (so to speak) it seemed to me it was likely to be written by a biological mother who didn't particularly like the father of her children seeing someone else, which is sadly a common theme on this path of mumsnet. And I say biological mother not to cause offence but to distinguish between the two roles.

Having read a lot of posts on the step-parenting forum it quite frankly frustrates me the way certain people treat step parents in such a nasty and vile manor, I honestly thought this was yet another lets bash step parents again and I for one would like to see this part of mumsnet being a safe place for step parents to discuss their concerns and get support. It is at times extremely difficult and frustrating it is also extremely rewarding - but that is parenthood is it not?

Parenting is difficult, I do not have biological children of my own (trying very hard to make this happen they just will not stick) but I adore my children (DP has full custody) I wouldn't change that for the world I love having them in my life and their lives are better because I am in it.

What I would change in a heartbeat is there feckless and useless biological mother who thinks its ok to flit in and out as the mood takes her, (last time she saw them was over a year ago and we have no way to make her either step up or step out) it shocks me that she wonders why they call me mummy, and hurts them so badly emotionally when she sees them or doesn't see them (she has called on the morning of scheduled visit to confirm to cancel five minutes before or picked them up to return them ten minutes later because she had a better offer - it breaks my heart. This woman has lied and lied, and caused us all so much heartache.

So I once again apologise for my brash post as I can see now that this was not your intention - just having a very difficult time at the moment and just though great here we go again.

Penguin, apology fully accepted, and actually re-reading my op I can see how you may have misread it! Your SC are lucky to have you, their DM is as you say feckless and uncaring of their welfare, and their lives could be very different without you.

The one thing I do take a (little) bit of issue with a lot of posts I read, is the one about, 'children must come first in every case/scenario with both parents'! Well, actually I don't fully support that idea, I think in any family blended or otherwise, each person is as valuable as the next. Of course I don't mean where children's welfare/safety is concerned, but I do think that, (some extended family experience of this) if you bring children up to consider their needs/wants/demands are of paramount importance, even to the detriment of someone else's needs/feelings, then you are setting them up for a fall!

How can you expect them to become integrated members of society if they have never learned to consider anyone else? When they join the big, bad outside world of work/society, you can be sure everyone else will see no reason that they are any more special, or in need of protecting, than any one else! It's hard world!!

Wdigin Oh no I don't regret it because my children wouldn't be here if I hadn't have met him. But I won't choose another man with children ever again. It's so nice to be able to put my children first now, not have to run around for someone else's kid, not have to babysit while dad is lying in, no school pick ups etc etc... I would be bat shit crazy to put myself in that situation again!

Cant....I understand exactly where you're coming from! Hope things continue to improve for you!

From the DSC's perspective, I think it's been positive for them too. They seem to genuinely love and respect me and can see that I've tried to enhance their relationship with their dad. Neither of them remember DH and their DM being together and they were still only 2 and 4 respectively when we got together so I don't think they've had to get used to any changes, their family has always been as it is now to them. I have a better relationship with the exw than DH does and I think they can see, now they're older, that things have run more smoothly between the two elements of their family for me having been around. I think their DM has had a lot to do with that too, she made it clear she preferred to communicate with me than DH right from the start and that dynamic has worked well for us. When I said we've always put them first, for me that's meant their feelings have always been considered, not that they've been allowed to dictate how things are or that they have come first to the detriment of anyone else, I think we've managed to make it fairly balanced although that's probably more by luck than judgement! I know I've been lucky, they're both easy going personalities and we haven't had to deal with any of the jealousy or conflict step families can create, probably because they were so young when their parents split and me and DH got together but I do think some of it is because they've never had to compete for their dad's attention, I've always wanted them close as much as he has and I think they know that. It's reflected now because they still come, voluntarily, at least twice a week at a stage in their lives when most kids are immersed in their social lives although I do think that's partly because they like our cooking and they're both total foodies

Thank you I think this has turned out to be a very interesting and mostly constructive thread, I am enjoying reading other people's opinions and views.

The tales I have about this individual reads like an episode of Eastenders on steroids! idea I could write a script DP handles any and all discussion with her, I can never quite understand why people talk to partners ex's when their is hostility - I know there will be a day when I have to meet her but I hope that will be a very long time in the future and that I am very drunk :)

I agree with you completely on the matter of who comes first - before we dived into being a family I spent a lot of time reading and the common theme was "children always first" their needs thoughts are more important than the step parent. I agree with you this doesn't seem right to me for all the reasons you say above

As you say the real world is not like that at all - I was always raised to put others first and that sometimes we don't get what we want, when we want it - learning No is a very valuable life lesson IMO and one that stands tiny humans in good stead for the future.

I discussed with DP my google findings back then (he too had been googling) and he was nope children don't always come first - his view has always been that he wants to raise good people not selfish ones and so they don't always come first! Of course they do at times they are tiny people and we are adults but we work on the basis that everyone should try and put others first. Sometimes I come first, sometimes they come first, sometimes DP comes first - all our needs are equally important.

I think this will stand us in good stead once we do have our rainbow baby and our family grows because if we are all looking out for each other and being kind to each other and try to understand each other then we will have less issues (or at least I hope! So!) of course we do not have constant peace and quiet in our household, quite the opposite but we muddle a long and generally really do like each other as well as love each other!

Wdigin totally agree - How can you expect them to become integrated members of society if they have never learned to consider anyone else?

I can see this in my DSCs, there are four of them and they are becoming quite different young adults. The eldest were, in different ways, quite self absorbed and their parents indulged and preferred to parent rather than befriend. Eldest DSD, 24, was shocked that her boyfriends weren't like her Dad, and didn't do everything she asked. She went back to DP each time to help when her boyfriends didn't.

Second eldest saw no point in not ignoring me or her step sibling, my son. She still relies totally on her parents for everything, including being ferried by car to and from Uni, all her books bought by DP, living at home, she's 19 going on 20. She didn't even look at courses, just had a big strop until DP did all the leg work for her.

Whereas younger DSCs have always got on with me as SM, and their step brotehr, and not indulged, more parented. They are both quite independent, relatively polite and have a good set of friends. One is set for Uni next year, and has got her own books, sorted her own courses and asked us all (including me) for advice, and has a part-time job too.

Sorry, preferred to be eldest DSCs friends and not parents!

For me I think the "kids come first" depends on your interpretation. Personally for me I don't see it as them getting their own way, not being told no etc. I see it more as that whatever big decisions are needed their welfare needs to be prioritised. Ie if there are to be subsequent siblings, house or job moves etc. Likewise of the nrp has only limited free time (my dp works nights on a rota that gives him only 1 weekend off in 6) then that time should be prioritised to his kids before anyone else inc friends and hobbies.

I have had to re register as I couldn't remember my login details and no longer have access to the email account I registered with but I have been around on her for a number of years on and off and for me there has been a lot of "woe is me" posts where some step parents think that decisions they have made shouldn't involve any thought for or discussion with their dscs. Especially where living arrangements and new babies are concerned.

Dd was an utter surprise when I found out I was pregnant so I wasn't able to discuss with dscs. However they were told very early and fully involved. We offered them the chance to come to my scan at 20 weeks but they decided breakfast with grandma and grandad was more important! They helped choose her name, pick out clothes etc. I ff for various reasons but from the word go they have fed her, helped change her, bath her. When we bought our house the dscs came with us to view our shortlist. Their views were vital as was their input on how the rooms were shared. For us their happiness with the situation was more important than a lot of our other criteria. So for example we live in the same small town as them which I am not a big fan of because it isn't a very nice town but it means they can see their friends at weekends and holidays and they can get themselves to and from school when needed. That was more important than my need to be near my friends and social activities dp pays my huge fuel bill as a result though

There's a balance isn't there? Between putting them first for everything and ignoring them completely. We have all seen posts from people who move in together, and not have enough space for the step children to stay. We've seen the posts of Disney dads. There has to be a middle ground.

We are aware that emotionally our children can come before each other. If DSS is having a particularly bad week our plans can get shelved and he spends time just with his dad. When DS starts acting like a territorial cat round me in front of DP we take a step back to make sure he's ok.

But they don't come first in every decision, just in some of it.

wheres the final straw for me was being told I was mean spirited for not wanting to pick ex's child up from school every day (when we were together) because her mum wanted to change her hours at work.
At that point I knew that if I didn't get out of the relationship I would be doomed to that sort of shit for the next X amount of years. Next it would be when I get a car and I should pick her up from from high school instead of her getting the bus. MN really affected me.

generally never putting their new partners first!
I really have an issue with this. My first reaction was to say that children should always come first, even in relationship when parents have remain happily together. Then I thought again and concluded that it should never be about who comes first because situations should be managed so that this query never arises, a bit like one sibling says 'but you like my sister more than I' (and not jokingly!).

I think that if this question arises amongst couples, it is because they have a mutual issue around their inability to compromise and that usually comes from a sense of entitlement of one's rights.

There is a thread going about an ex complaining that the new girlfriend is trying to impose her rights and her boyfriend putting her needs over his children, and this is yielding responses that it should be about her needs.

I think the consensus here is too often too white or black. An ex post, the new girlfriend's needs should come last. A new girlfriend posts, and the ex's needs should come last, and in the middle, a father who is usually useless either way! Really it's all about putting one's needs/wants/rights aside to think about other's. The most difficult part of it is to make the first move, but I have found that when you do and you stick to it, the others come along and do the same.

But of course, it was all just "woe is me". Not the fact that I wanted to have a bit of control over my own life.

I'm pretty sure my DP thinks step parenting is worth it - he didn't want children before he met me but is the best dad ever to my dd and we now have one on the way (he was the one pushing for it). He says we've made him realise what's important in life.

However, I couldn't be with him and I don't think it would work if he saw my dd as 'my daughter' and not his too. He expects to do childcare as if he was her biological parent and describes her as his daughter. If I can't pick her up / fancy a lie in etc etc he does it like in a 'normal' family.

I think if he resented the responsibility it would be an entirely different dynamic. Helps that she was only 3 I think when they met.

(And that we all live together 13 out of 14 nights) so it pretty much is how 'normal' families are

disney I think your right it really does depend on how you choose to view the DC. Like your DH i don't view the DC as my partners children, they are our children under our care. If DP is shattered and wants a lie in I will get up be dragged up by DC constantly starving monsters and if one is sick it's who is most able to leave work for the day, sometimes that is me sometimes that is DP were a team, we have to be (when a third happens we will need to be even more so as it will be 3 against 2!) in looking after and turning these DC into nice adults!

I wonder how that works though if your the partner/spouse of a NR parent... It is I am sure more complicated. I think even if custody had been split 50/50 that I would feel the same when they were with us as I do now, but if we saw them once a month I don't think I would have seen them as our children (I hope this doesn't offend anyone) IMO I wonder if I would view them as "visiting" and there wouldn't be that sense of "normal" life. I always felt on the rare times I saw my father that I was just "visiting" I never felt part of him or his wife's life. I couldn't bear only seeing these guys once a month!

I read so much about step-parenting with one key theme as a step-parent even if DP had full custody you shouldn't parent as they are not your children or responsiblility! This baffles me as I can't even see how that works "DP please tell DC1 to stop being a shit bag.. I can't parent DC as they are not mine but DC3 who is mine has just been sent to bed" It just wouldn't work with us I can't see how it work it always seemed very very weird to us!

Penguin - I am partner no the non resident parent and I don't see my Dsc as "ours" when they are here. They are 10 & 12 and wouldn't thank me for it. We are however very close. Dss will often confide in me about issues at school long before his own mum and dad for example. However when they are in our care it is me who dishes out cold flannels and sick buckets, it is me who takes them shopping for clothes/gifts for dp birthday/Xmas/ Father's Day etc useless mother washed her hands of that the second she found out he was seeing someone

It is me who has cuddled them when they needed a cry about their grandma dying (mil) or when Dss was struggling with the dynamic of living at OM's house with his kids and was lashing out at his mum. She rang our house and demanded we dealt with him. Poor dp didn't really know what to say. He was struggling not to just blurt out the truth as he doesn't agree that they should be lying to the kids. So it was me who blathered on about it being a joint decision and no ones fault etc. So yes I play a very strong mother-like role in their lives but I have never seen my role as mum.

I suspect that would be different if dp had been the rp and I had met him when they were much smaller. But even now if he was the rp u don't think I would and I don't think they would want that either.

I wanted so much to just all "get on". It's not worked well and since there's nothing I can do, I wish I'd never met DH. I have years and years of being a second class person and not being invited to things of, worse, being asked along because DH insists but not being really wanted there.

That's really interesting whereisthelight it is good to understand the perspective of a NR step-parent. We anticipate at some point the children mother will date some lucky man and if she decides to have contact they will at some point be involved so it's interesting to get another perspective!

Eliza - that is so very sad, we have only joined so well because DP fully supported me from day one - it saddens me that your husband hasn't done this for you.