Is It Worth It?

[Wdigin2this]

I've read so many posts lately, from SM's whose partners don't/can't discipline their DC, for fear of them not wanting to visit or because the EW is difficult, and generally never putting their new partners first! It makes me a) glad I never went near a man with young DC, and b) think...is actually worth it?!

Wdigin - wow your DSD must have really crossed a line for your DH to see clearly for once! Perhaps that is a good thing. It takes something extreme sometimes. And he didn't contact her when she stropped off in an attention seeking way? It really does sound like your DH has a new perpective. Good!

Eliza I totally understand, I think it is hard to let go of the fustration when one person is causing upset, when it is so unnecessary! I really don't think they realise how much pain it gives, especially to Dads.Your DSD sounds so stuck in her own life that she has no idea.

We now have years ahead of us of trying to organise things without me there or DH and sd having their relationship minus any mention of me. This also resonates with me. But it is SO sad isn't it? It is totally impossible being in your position, and really quite cruel. That girl is old enough to know better.

Andso - I know, I do get that a lot of my problems are because DP allows himself to be manipulated. But the other side of that is that there IS bad behaviour from his eldest DSDs and ExW which are trying to pull his strings of kindness. It's one of the reasons that I liked him in the first place. He does feel very responsible to anyone in his family. I've never seen his DSDs ever ask about him though, ever. It's very easy for people in families to be assigned 'roles' ie kind Dad is 'provider' for everything, without needing anything in return.

My DP got very upset recently and said he wondered if 'people' did care about him at all. I'm not sure his eldest kids do tbh.

Eliza- every time you post I react with sympathy as my situation is so similar. Dh has 3 'children' 17, 19 and 21. They resented dh asking me to marry him 6 years ago without asking their permission. As the 2 eldest won't acknowledge me and will only see dh on his own, we also have a future like yours.

For me, I don't mind, as I don't have to live with their rudeness or watch dh pander to them. (Marriage to their mum ended due to her many affairs). But I do feel sorry for dh who will no doubt feel torn in all directions and have to attend weddings etc without me.

So.. Is it worth it? YES. Because I'm not living with them, I live with my incredible dh and my children and absolutely love my life. If I had to live with them I'd be divorced by now. But yes, I see red when I see dh trying to enrich their lives and worrying about them whilst they refuse to give him the only thing he really wants- a happy family.

Hormonal I need to not care but, it's difficult. I think if they all felt the same way, it might be easier but it's like walking on eggshell all the time. So stressful. DH's are now 22, 26 and 27. I wonder what will happen at weddings, christening so....grand kids. It's had a real effect on my self esteem and I feel I've nothing to offer DH now. I felt I was going to be a plus in his life but now I'm sure I'm not; I represent discord. I want to leave so he can have a normal life but I have nowhere to go. And still, he IS a wonderful man. But I KNOW he'd be better off without me now.

You're so wrong Eliza. You are taking ownership of the problem but it's not of your making, your sd is in control. You have a loving caring relationship to offer your dh. SHE is the one choosing to do this to HER father.

Have you told your dh how you feel? He would no doubt be horrified at the prospect of losing you. Would you wish on both your husband and yourself that she gets her way and ends your relationship? You'd want her to have that power? She'll be busy with a family of her own one day and you and dh have the rest of your lives to enjoy.

If I were you I'd plan a nice bbq this summer inviting his other two and your ds of course, as your dh sounds a family man like mine. And as for the nasty piece of work who doesn't have the courage to back track and hold out an olive branch? Her loss..

Thanks, Hormonal.

Eliza Hormonal us right, your DH probably has no idea you feel like this, and no this problem is not your fault, you've nothing to blame yourself for!

Hormonal things are no better with your DSC then?

Bananas oh yes she has!

Wdigin my dsd has been visiting regularly recently and it's a case of me faking it till I make it. She's behaved so badly but I'm making the effort for dh. As for the other 2, i simply don't exist, nor do my children.

Your dh must have been pushed very far to open his eyes. I have to say I'm jealous! Mine recently shelled out £5k for an extended holiday for dss 21 who, a week before departure, decided he didn't fancy it any more. Do you think dh is planning on asking dss for any of the cost back despite him working full time?

In my experience, yes it's very much worth it. I've had a dsd for 17 years, it's been hard at times but no harder than having my own dcs, just different problems. I adore dsd and I like to think she feels the same as me, God I hope so. We get along great and I'm so proud of the woman she has become, I like to think I've played a small part, even just a very small part. I love dh more because if the love he has for his dd, it's simply unquestionable.

Lid ways...you are fortunate indeed!

Sorry Ludways!

Hormonal I can imagine the faking it...difficult!
Yes she has been pushing it, I'm not expecting miracles, but DH has had a few lightbulb moments recently! And no, I suppose your DH won't dream of asking for any of the money back....isn't it ridiculous?!

Eliza - I think Hormonal has it right. You are taking ownership of the problem but it's not of your making, your sd is in control.

I know it's hard, I've questioned this myself. Am I spoiling DPs happiness? Am I coming between a relationship between daughter and father? Am I really an evil step mother?

Eliza - these children have become adults, like my older step daughters. They are the only ones with the control to change this situation. It is not to do with you, and you left because of this, your DP would only be left with the same problem but in another form.

Bananas Spot on!

My experience WAS awesome. DH with 2 lovely children from previous marriage, me with 2 children. It was a hard intervention, but it was brilliant.
Lots of laughs, fun, family time. We had a child ourselves who other children doted on. I thought it was perfect. Very happy.
However, I became ill, and the side effects of my illness distanced him from me. I fought tooth and nail to get well, and am not far off now.
Unfortunately, my wonderful 'DH' decided it was too much. Dropped our child at my Mum's, and moved out. That was the end.
He has messed up everyone's lives. I hope he is satisfied. Apparently 'he wanted to be happy'.
Don't we all?
Now I have 3 children, an illness that makes me tired, but it's tolerable. I miss my stepchildren like crazy, and ex is so focussed on himself that he only cares about access to our child, and his own happiness.
I'm coping. Just about coping.
He has a history of bouncing from one serious relationship to another. He always leaves abruptly, with no explanation. His children will be so damaged, but I don't imagine that's his priority!
I assumed, wrongly, that he would take a marriage seriously.
It's a bloody mess, but I don't regret it for a moment. His children enhanced my world, and love their sister.
I hope we can continue contact, without flawed ex, and the sibling relationships can flourish.
I'll certainly be cautious about future relationships!

OMGoodness MrsJuice I thought I was reading a lovely story where everything went well....now my jaw is on the floor!

Take this b###^d to court for every penny you can get, (not something I would usually say) but what a selfish git! Let's see 'how happy he will be' when you get what you deserve out of him!!!

I am a SM and have been since DSS was reall young. I am also a mother. Ours is a fairly functional family, met long after break up of DH and his ExP, lots of contact, grown ups act largely grown up. DSS is great and we all rub along just fine.

And yet... I wouldn't want it for my own dc. It's crap for the DSC, they either get to visit and watch what could have been (their parent living with another grown up, parenting children who have both parents all the time) or live with a parent plus a step parent whose main fault is that they are not the beloved parent.

No child really wants a step parent and no grown up wants a step child. Yes, we will care for them, get along, form a family as well as we can, but it is not ideal.

Pax that there was what is officially known as a nail on the head comment

No child really wants a step parent and no grown up wants a step child.

Sorry but I completely disagree with Paxillin's comment. In my case, not being anything like his biological mother has been a blessing for dss, not a fault. I love my dss so bloody much that dh and I often discuss how it's even possible to love another human being so much... He is essentially my son and I would do anything for him. Maybe we are very lucky, and perhaps I take being so happy for granted. Joining MN has given me food for thought, that's for sure.

I suppose we also have an unusual situation in that bio mum is 100% NC and off the radar and dss very much views me as his mum.

As dss told me aged 2, "I'm so happy that you found me, Mummy. That makes me your baby now." My heart exploded with love and I never looked back.

Not sure about that Pax. I can honestly say I was very happy that DH had three kids. They were all teens and my DS was younger but it felt like a lovely opportunity to have a (albeit artificially put together) "family". Because dh's first marriage was long over, I never thought there'd be the resentment there has been. I was a nursing sister for many years (career of 26 yrs total) and I thought I understood people and emotions and difficult situations. This? This I didn't see coming and still don't get beyond simple jealousy and a daughter trying to manipulate a parent and cause havoc where happiness was the norm.

MrsJuice that's a dreadful situation to be in. I can't help thinking you're better off without this man but I'm so sorry to hear how good it was and then it all fell apart.

Bananas if I wasn't "here" DH and his dad could fully resume their relationship. They pretty much have anyway (obviously) just without me. When she first went, DH was adamant that having done nothing wrong, it was up to her to sort out/apologise and resume contact but after 5 yrs he is just grateful to have her back in her terms.

Not "dad" ... DD.

I can see a SM is a blessing in a case of a NC mum, lateforeverything. A NC mum creates a "vacancy". I'm not saying step-motherhood has to go wrong, but really most kids want to live with their parents and hate breakups. SM or SD is an unasked for extra for most kids, even if s/he can form a good relationship with the kids.

Of course there are relationships so bad that breaking up is the only solution. I can see where OP is coming from with "no young kids". I have dated a dad with a young DS. I'm glad I have, I wouldn't have DH, my DC and DSS otherwise.

If a friend asked me for dating advice though I'd tell them to look for somebody without or with older kids though to start their own family with.

late for everything what a beautiful thing :) it's wonderful when they "adopt" you :) I'm expecting some tantrums and "your not our real mother" at some point (ashamed to say I did it and adored my dad) but we will get through this - this really made me go all gooey it's nice to hear :)

So I completely disagree with Paxillin too (sorry) I am a mum (technically step-mum) and my life is better for having my children in it and their lives are better for having me in it. I think they want me here for sure ;)

I have, also been a step-child, twice.

I used to embarrass the hell out of my mum at about 4 by asking every man she talked too "are you going to be my new daddy as I don't have one" I think I very much wanted a step-dad or a dad of some description anyway I also wanted a TV set and a my little pony bubble house that came with a dragon I'm very late 30's

I don't ever remember wanting this "dad" to be my actual father but he was absent in my life even before he left when I was 2.

So my real father was still "around... Somewhere" but very similar to my children's mother he really couldn't be arsed he did what he thought could be seen as him "trying". When he met his new wife he could be arsed even less. I actually only remember seeing him 3/4 times I thought 2 the other day but after a long think it may have been 4... Still bloody shocking my mum says it was mostly once every two years... But cancelled every month. On their visits I always remember being ignored - in reality neither had wanted children and didn't know how to interact with me, not really her fault I quite liked her, she had long hair but she was just my dads wife never saw her as a step mum - I went to their home once, I saw them for four hours per yearly visit - she wasn't anything more than my dads wife.

I was left as a kid feeling really hurt that my dad never wanted to talk to me, I used to send letters that were never answered and I never appreciated the "adult" dinning and then sitting in a room full of more adults with grandparents whilst they all talked together - I used to sit bored out of my head watching the clock, and soon after that when he did turn up I didn't want to go. This is what I see my children experience is with their mother, and I just want to scoop them up and hug the life out of them - que get off me with your (s)mothering :)

So for me as "step" mum and step-child, I want to be here very much and wanted a step-dad very much. But I never saw my dads wife as my step mother as 4 hours once a year doesn't make a dad let alone a stepmother IMO.

So think the wanting to be, or children wanting really depends on the Ievel of contact with the "leaving" parent iyswim hard to word it I'm full of flu... It's interesting to think about, I wonder how it would work in a 50/50 setup... Food for thought

You too are talking about a situation where there has been a vacancy though, Penguinepenguins. Your dad simply wasn't there for you, so you wanted a dad.

I was sharing my experiences as both the "step" parent and the stepchild, as I disagreed with the comment a child never wants a step parent and an adult never wants to be a step parent. I know you retracted the never part but I thought my experiences might add something to the discussion as on the other side of the same fence as a child I was discussing the fact I didn't want a step-mother because I never saw my dads wife as anything other than his wife. I don't think he or her ever deliberately alienated me on those visits but that is how I felt - if understanding this helps a step mum have a better understanding from the child's perspective I'm glad I shared this.

I'm also interested to understand this dynamic from the NRP perspective so as to be able to support and help my children should their mother suddenly want to become involved and how to help them if she should have a man in her life (we just don't know what goes through her mind one minute to the next, we get a tad nervous each month prior to the "visit" as we never know what will happen) my experiences from that perceptive comes from when I was a child and a very young child at that, so whilst I know how my mum helped me understand it I'd like to try and understand more about how people.

Interesting question.

I can't say I regret it, as I love my dh and we have a beautiful family together.

I get on ok with SD after years of just awful, awful stresses. She in early 20s now so I thnk that helps somewhat.

There's too much water under the bridge for us to be close now, though.

It's a shame because I really loved her and she loved me but she is the product of a toxic and dysfunctional family (dh's own mother in particular). Really, she was never allowed to just love us and want to be a part of our family IYSWIM.

Overall; is it worth it? No, I don't think so. The risk of a story like mine as opposed to the successful ones on here is too great.

Would I do it again? Much as I adore dh, I'm sorry to say I don't think I would. I was young when we met and it was a very negative part of my life for a long time.

Would I ever again date a man with children? No. Fucking. Way.