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Original poster

Advice on exdp gf.

134 replies

oneorthebloodyother · 29/03/2016 18:45

Firstly I'm not a stepmother I'm asking on here to get a little bit of an insight before I go in head first and start shouting the odds at exdp and his gf.

Exdp left me for his gf just over 3 years ago now, yes it does still hurt a little bit for the most part I'm over it.
Anyway myself and ex haven't always got on but recently we have been able to sit in the same room without wanting to kill each other so I feel we're in a good place to co parent our two ds'.
We've both agreed a timetable of how and when he has dcs but his gf is now trying to throw a spanner in the works, saying to him she doesn't want him spending so much time away from her or at my house which is only one evening per week and I'm not even there.
It really has riled me up as my dcs have missed out on so much time with their dad not only because of him but her aswell and I don't know what to really do about the situation, I know that if I say something to him it will more than likely cause an argument and put all our hard work back to square one.
I also messaged him this morning that I cannot stand the fact that he is with this woman and he is allowing her to dictate to him as and when he can see our dcs and that he has become such a horrible person since being with her.
Wibu to txt her and let her know that my dcs were there before she even existed and will be there long after she has gone and if she is so worried about the fact he is at mine then she shouldn't have slept with another woman's and especially one who has children.

Sorry it was a bit of a rant but I think you get my drift.

OP posts:
Lemonblast · 31/03/2016 00:09

The current arrangements work well for you, your Ex but most importantly the children.
Her insecurities are nothing to do with you. Your Ex needs to step up and deal with it.

WhoGivesAFlying · 31/03/2016 00:44

I can just see the op coming home from a date with her new DP and finding her ex watching telly on the sofa...awkward! Things can't stay this way long term....but if it works for now so be it.

NickiFury · 31/03/2016 08:21

No Brand she should not. Her ex is the only one that needs to be taking his girlfriend's opinion into account. Not the OP AT ALL.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 31/03/2016 08:52

I agree, it's hardly quality contact time if they are in bed,and it seems senseless to do a 2 hour round trip to sit there whilst they sleep so the OP goes to the gym. I think a babysitter would be better, and the children can spend actual contact time with their Dad on weekends when they are up and about.

I may be way off the mark here, but the OP deems very invested in her ex and appears to still have feelings for him, why else would she be so angry still? When people move on, that anger dissipates. I worry the OP is hindering her ability to move on by having this man in her home every week, and that's not healthy for her.

Nicki, brand is saying that if the OPsays she'll have to take her boyfriends feelings of having her ex in the house into account when she meets someone, then surely his partner also deserves some consideration? It can't all be one sided surely? I get that it's horrendous to be cheated on, but you can't punish him forever for it, not for his sake but for your own! Bitterness is destructive and will only lead to more hurt.

NickiFury · 31/03/2016 08:57

I know what Brand is saying thanks! it's perfectly simple. Why do so man posters on here seem to think that if they just explain it properly then you'll change your tune and agree with them? Confused

I reiterate, not by OP. The girlfriend is irrelevant to her. The only person who needs to be taking his girlfriends feelings into account is her boyfriend - OP's ex.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 31/03/2016 09:08

Ok nicki ypu don't agree, that's fine. Clearly you are still very angry yourself and I understand that, I just personally see it as a double standard to consider one persons partner (now or in the future) and not the others. Each to their own though Smile

NickiFury · 31/03/2016 09:18

Where exactly does it indicate I am angry? Quote me please. Or are you just actually making that up?

Waltermittythesequel · 31/03/2016 09:25

So, if OP moves a partner in who decides he doesn't want ex there in the week what happens?

Should her ex just keep turning up because her partner's feelings don't matter?

I have no doubt the goalposts will change then.

BrandNewAndImproved · 31/03/2016 09:27

Your tone does sound remarkably angry niki. The problem with these sort of threads is posters who have been in the same boat and still not moved on are still angry and bitter project their feelings onto the situation.

In reality once your dc have another family it makes life easier all round to be a bit flexible and considerate instead of hating the new gf as long as it's a two way Street.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 31/03/2016 09:28

I'm not being critical, your posts about your ex come across as angry and as I said, I totally understand. I'm off now, I can't be arsed to get into an argument, it's a nice day outside and I'm going to make the most of it.

OP I hope things work out in the end and your ex find a solution that keeps everyone happy.

NickiFury · 31/03/2016 09:30

The thing with telling people that they're feeling emotions they are not is that it undermines their position and implies that they cannot be taken particularly seriously because they're allowing their own emotions to colour their opinions. It's a bit of a manipulative thing to do IMO. It also forces them into a position where they feel they have to explain exactly how they're NOT feeling that way at all. Well I am not going to do that Smile

I would not take my exes new girlfriend into account when making arrangements regarding our children with him because that is not my job, it is his, or am I now supposed to be the peacekeeper and organiser in their relationship as well as all my own? I am sorry but I think it's utterly ridiculous to suggest that the OP owes consideration to her exes girlfriend. It's that kind of entitled thinking that creates the majority of problems within blended families IMO.

Helmetbymidnight · 31/03/2016 09:59

I agree- op doesn't have to consider the exes gf feelings- this is up to the ex.

Neither does she have to consider her imaginary potential bf feelings.

It works for mum, dad and the DC.

If it doesn't work for the exs gf, then ex needs to to sort it out.

howtodowills · 31/03/2016 11:01

Out of interest....
Do you guys think the girlfriend should consider OPs feelings?

If I was his girlfriend i wouldn't understand why he couldn't get a babysitter to take over at 7pm and have contact out of OPs house before bed time. Why anyone would want to hang out alone in their ex's house is beyond me (and I say that as someone with a really good relationship with my ex....)

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 31/03/2016 11:09

Of course she shouldn't have to consider the OP's feelings. It works both ways.

howtodowills · 31/03/2016 11:25

So it's the ex h who's being a pillock here in even sharing the conversations that him and his DP have, with his ex wife. No surprise there then!

Helmetbymidnight · 31/03/2016 11:26

Yeah, rp should stop all nrp access beyond eow because they need to consider the nrps got a life now!

Helmetbymidnight · 31/03/2016 11:28

Where possible babysitters are much better than parents coz you don't want to ever upset parents partners.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 31/03/2016 11:29

I agree howto. The gf is entitled to her feelings and the OP is entitled to hers. He no doubt going back and forth like "Oh, my ex said this. My gf said that" - he is either really dim or attempting to shit stir by sharing information that he really doesn't need to. It's clearly wound the OP up and that's his fault, not the gf's.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 31/03/2016 11:33

I'm going for that he's really dim.

headinhands · 31/03/2016 12:29

That's exactly what I took from the op. Why would he be repeating it unless he's a bit slow or happy for the op to direct her anger away from him onto another target.

NickiFury · 31/03/2016 12:33

Or he likes to keep the entirely separate and bristling with animosity towards each other so they don't get friendly and realise what an arsehole he is.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 31/03/2016 13:15

If that's his goal Nicki (for them to dislike each other and he can do no wrong) then he's doing a fine job of it. It would be interesting to know what he's said to his gf in order to make her dislike his ex actually.

I still think it's probably that he's a bit slow tbh. If he wants to maintain an amicable relationship with the OP then the last thing he should be doing is gossiping about what his gf has been saying about him seeing his kids. He should have kept it between them and solved any problems/concerns together. She doesn't have to be happy with it but maybe they just needed to discuss it properly. Maybe she just needed a bit of reassurance from him if she's feeling a bit uneasy about it.
If the OP had sent that text then it would have caused further problems because then his gf would then have been annoyed, and he'd be sat there feeling all hard done by because "he's in the middle". Don't put yourself in the middle then mate. Keep your mouth shut.

NickiFury · 31/03/2016 14:54

Maybe she picks up on the fact that he's crossing boundaries and gossiping about her with his ex? No one would like that. Maybe that's why she's being difficult about the whole thing?

Wdigin2this · 31/03/2016 15:26

Maybe the gf will look at this thread and recognise her idiot of a Bf, then join forces with the op....to chuck him out of both their lives! Wink

NNalreadyinuse · 31/03/2016 15:31

He's not just hanging out in his ex's house though, it is his children's house too. If I was a nrp I would like to feel part of their everyday lives and be welcome in their home. It's nice for the dc if that can happen.

As for the OPs feelings towards the gf, I imagin it is hard to care about the feelings of the woman who slept with your partner abd who had a hand in the break up of your family. Given that gf is also ow, I think she needs to suck it up to be honest - she owes it to the OPs children to do whatever is necessary to keep them seeing their dad regularly.