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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Advice on exdp gf.

134 replies

oneorthebloodyother · 29/03/2016 18:45

Firstly I'm not a stepmother I'm asking on here to get a little bit of an insight before I go in head first and start shouting the odds at exdp and his gf.

Exdp left me for his gf just over 3 years ago now, yes it does still hurt a little bit for the most part I'm over it.
Anyway myself and ex haven't always got on but recently we have been able to sit in the same room without wanting to kill each other so I feel we're in a good place to co parent our two ds'.
We've both agreed a timetable of how and when he has dcs but his gf is now trying to throw a spanner in the works, saying to him she doesn't want him spending so much time away from her or at my house which is only one evening per week and I'm not even there.
It really has riled me up as my dcs have missed out on so much time with their dad not only because of him but her aswell and I don't know what to really do about the situation, I know that if I say something to him it will more than likely cause an argument and put all our hard work back to square one.
I also messaged him this morning that I cannot stand the fact that he is with this woman and he is allowing her to dictate to him as and when he can see our dcs and that he has become such a horrible person since being with her.
Wibu to txt her and let her know that my dcs were there before she even existed and will be there long after she has gone and if she is so worried about the fact he is at mine then she shouldn't have slept with another woman's and especially one who has children.

Sorry it was a bit of a rant but I think you get my drift.

OP posts:

FaithLoveandHope · 30/03/2016 14:27

Brand I agree but then surely it's his choice? I mean if he wasn't happy he could always say no

BrandNewAndImproved · 30/03/2016 14:30

Agree faith! It's all a bit weird. However I'm not a nrp maybe if I was I'd jump at any chance to see my dc even if it was awkwardly at my exes knowing I was being used as a babysitter.

makingmiracles · 30/03/2016 14:42

I have to say it sounds remarkably like how my situation went. Ex dp lived less than a mile from our family home but would look after them twice a week in the evenings for max 3 hrs at a time( I was off doing classes at gym) it was not a massive effort for him and was only ever a couple of hours.
Exdps new gf didn't like the arrangement and he took her side and refused to do it anymore, I was extremely peeved with him as it was only a few hours at a time, not late at night and my only opportunity to be me and not mum for a few hours.

Unfortunately if he decides he doesn't want to do it anymore I don't think there's a lot you can do about it.

FaithLoveandHope · 30/03/2016 14:50

making if he lived less than a mile away why on earth couldn't he take them back to his and then drop them back when you're home? Seems incredibly controlling to insist he stays at yours and I'm not surprised his gf didn't like it!

makingmiracles · 30/03/2016 14:58

Faith it was how it was because of the times and the ages of the children-one was only 6months at the time so worked better at mine as children could keep their normal routine, he changed the arrangement so they had the children at his for a while, until OW decided she didn't like that either.

NickiFury · 30/03/2016 15:08

I don't think there's anything wrong with him seeing the children in your home, it's NOT confusing for kids unless they're very young or terribly dim. Why do people always have to project their own adult issues and emotions onto children? My ex has always seen the kids here, they prefer it that way and are fully clued up that we are not together and will not be again. My children have never cried, not even once about our split and I do put it down to the lack of drama and how pragmatically we dealt with it.

OP, for me my ex's fiancée is utterly irrelevant. I don't talk to my ex about her and am certainly not interested in anything she has to say regarding my children. Fortunately for now she's living abroad so there's no concern about her caring for them or anything. I hope it stays that way. In your position I wouldn't talk about her with him, you are not his sounding board for issues in his current relationships, HE should be dealing with them.

NickiFury · 30/03/2016 15:10

And he's not "babysitting" his kids at all! They're having contact in a way that suits all those involved and please note that the GF is not one of them. Sounds like she needs to grow up a bit.

NNalreadyinuse · 30/03/2016 15:35

I get really irritated by the notion that he is doing the OP a favour. If he hadn't fucked off with ow he would be at home most nights to tuck his children into bed. As it is, his actions have resulted in the bulk of the child care being left to the OP. Giving her a few hours to herself once a week is the least he can do under the circumstances.

As for saying the OP's being controlling, I really think you don't have a clue what controlling actually means.
It would be madness for him to take small dc to his house on a week night and have to return them at 10pm, when he could put them to bed in their own home. After all, it is not the OP's fault that he cannot have them overnight mid week. That is down to his work commitments.

And no, you cannot babysit your own kids. It is impossible by definition of the act that they are yours. Any looking after is called parenting!

MeMySonAndl · 30/03/2016 15:47

Nicki, did your ex leave you for his current girlfriend? I suspect that if that was the case, you would also be setting clear boundaries to protect yourself from further damage from the ex, not trying to gang up together against his new partner and demanding for him to see his children at your place.

It is all nice and easy for the ex to be around in the former marital home when things are good between the exes, but honestly, not when there is such degree of animosity.

MeMySonAndl · 30/03/2016 15:48

It is all nice and easy for the ex to be around in the former marital home when things are good between the exes, but honestly, not when there is such degree of animosity.

Wdigin2this · 30/03/2016 15:54

I don't agree that he's babysitting, of course he's not...their his DC, no matter where they are! As for this set up being weird...why? What doesn't work for some, is the perfect answer for others....I wouldn't want it, but that's because I'm me and the OP is the O,P!

With regard to the ex's gf....well I am a SM, and I do understand how she feels, bloody miffed and I would be too! But, and it's a big BUT, when you get involved with a man who has young kids, you have to take this on board, he will ALWAYS be their DF, and if he's a decent one, then he will want to see them as often as poss! If you can't hack it, find a man with no (young) kids...which is what I did!

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 30/03/2016 16:38

I don't think it's 'weird' - but I do think it is unhealthy if either of you are trying to move on with a partner. Of course it is 'practical' now - but psychologically it'll be holding you back OP. This man has run off with another woman - don't you deserve to move on and find someone else?

A good rule of thumb is - if OP you have a serious live in boyfriend or marry again - or vice versa - is Ex being around your house one evening a week going to help or hinder these future relationships? I think it would hinder.

If you went out on a date - how would 'My Ex is minding the kids' go down?

Find a babysitter yourself and get some independence. It sounds like your anger is still there about the OW and DP - I understand it must have been very hard but letting your Ex into your house is just not going to be good in the long term. For you. And your kids want to see you happy I'm sure.

costamum79 · 30/03/2016 16:42

Personally I think your ex should be able to take his child out of your home for his own personal time. Would you feel secure if your bf visited his child in his exes house?

Original poster

oneorthebloodyother · 30/03/2016 17:03

faith what gives you the impression that I'm being controlling? Or it was me who decided that he should have them at mine?

It is not possible for him to have them at his house during the week without disrupting all of our lives mainly the dcs who would suffer the most by being dragged from school, to home back out again to their dads then back again late at night on a school night it's ridiculous.
He also isn't facilitating my social life If that's how you think then I'm facilitating his by doing all of the childcare school pick ups drop offs and clubs which is what I was doing before.

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 30/03/2016 17:19

I think the OP has a point about, it just not being practical for the DC to go to their dad's house on school nights! But I can also see the point about, if she started seeing someone seriously, then it may not be reasonable for the DC's dad to spend time in their mum's house!

But at the moment, it appears to be the only practical arrangement, and it's not the gf's choice really is it, it's what's the best answer for the DC and their parents? I really don't think I'd be able to cope with an ex spending the evening at my house, whilst I went out for whatever reason....but there again, I wouldn't like to be stuck in 7 nights a week with no breaks at all!

FaithLoveandHope · 30/03/2016 17:27

Sorry one the controlling comment was in relation to making whose ex lived less than a mile away.

Original poster

oneorthebloodyother · 30/03/2016 17:35

Hold on everyone saying that it's wrong for him to be in my house can you please tell me why?
We have two children together things have happened which are beyond my control, I didn't plan to have children to then have to arrange what days they are going to see their dad because he no longer lives with us.
I also don't know what's going to happen in the future if I have a partner we will have to cross that bridge when it comes to it.

OP posts:

Helmetbymidnight · 30/03/2016 17:37

I think it's fine- and yes, ex sometimes comes over to hang out or 'babysit' when me and dh aren't there. It hasn't hindered our relationship at all.

Waltermittythesequel · 30/03/2016 17:43

So he lied to her about your existence and he was obviously lying to you back then, but now you're sure he's not lying about her having a problem with this?

It doesn't seem like you're over it.

Your nice to her face on the rare occasions that you see her then you message HIM telling him you have a problem with her??

Why would you bitch to your ex about his partner? Just, why??

The babysitting/not babysitting thing is, I think, understandable in that it's hardly contact time when the dc are in bed and the arrangement is only in place because you want to go out, so I can see why people think it's weird.

If she has dc that will very likely end so you need to be prepared for that, too.

Helmetbymidnight · 30/03/2016 17:43

Having said that, I think it can often be a bad thing - ie if the parent uses it to abuse/spy on the other or because they can't be arsed to get their own place or if someone is still in love with the other...

These don't seem the case here...

swingofthings · 30/03/2016 17:57

I also messaged him this morning that I cannot stand the fact that he is with this woman and he is allowing her to dictate to him as and when he can see our dcs and that he has become such a horrible person since being with her.
Pity you didn't come and post here to let it all out before texting him the above. What did you hope it would do? It is very unlikely to make him react positively and agree with you but instead will infuriate him that you are getting involved in what is none of your business.

Firstly, how do you know what she says and does? If it is because he tells you, then tell him that you don't want to know as it is none of your business. Stick the rules as they are, but accept that at some stage you will have to be flexible. That's just the way it is once new partners get into the picture. New partner have to accept that if they decide to go out with a man with children, there will most likely need to be an element of compromise, however, exes also need to accept that compromise goes on both sides, and therefore, things are likely to change for their exes to which inevitably will mean some change to their relationship as separated parents.

NickiFury · 30/03/2016 18:58

My ex behaved horribly. Not just one OW, multiple OW. I still got over it because it's best for the DC and when he was there looking after them, I wasn't, so plenty of distance.

Wdigin2this · 30/03/2016 20:08

I'm certainly not saying it's wrong that your Ex comes to your home, it's yours and his business how you manage things, and you should do what suits you!

I was saying, I know I wouldn't have been able to cope with it, but it's certainly not wrong! And anyway, if there's no other practical way of him seeing the DC midweek....so be it!

howtodowills · 30/03/2016 20:41

OP - is your ex saying he's happy to continue with your current set up? If he is and you are then his DP's view shouldn't really matter to you. Just ask him politely to keep you out of his domestic disagreements ;)

BrandNewAndImproved · 30/03/2016 20:55

If you would take into account a new boyfriends view on the matter then you should also take in hers imo.

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