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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Advice on exdp gf.

134 replies

oneorthebloodyother · 29/03/2016 18:45

Firstly I'm not a stepmother I'm asking on here to get a little bit of an insight before I go in head first and start shouting the odds at exdp and his gf.

Exdp left me for his gf just over 3 years ago now, yes it does still hurt a little bit for the most part I'm over it.
Anyway myself and ex haven't always got on but recently we have been able to sit in the same room without wanting to kill each other so I feel we're in a good place to co parent our two ds'.
We've both agreed a timetable of how and when he has dcs but his gf is now trying to throw a spanner in the works, saying to him she doesn't want him spending so much time away from her or at my house which is only one evening per week and I'm not even there.
It really has riled me up as my dcs have missed out on so much time with their dad not only because of him but her aswell and I don't know what to really do about the situation, I know that if I say something to him it will more than likely cause an argument and put all our hard work back to square one.
I also messaged him this morning that I cannot stand the fact that he is with this woman and he is allowing her to dictate to him as and when he can see our dcs and that he has become such a horrible person since being with her.
Wibu to txt her and let her know that my dcs were there before she even existed and will be there long after she has gone and if she is so worried about the fact he is at mine then she shouldn't have slept with another woman's and especially one who has children.

Sorry it was a bit of a rant but I think you get my drift.

OP posts:
headinhands · 30/03/2016 10:41

Sorry, how do you know she's saying this? If it's your ex relaying this to you then either way he is the problem for not having the balls to sort it out amongst the two of them or for wanting less contact but using her as a convenient target for your ire. Either way he's an idiot. Don't let him make this about her. He is your problem.

snorepatrol · 30/03/2016 10:51

Look if it works for you and you're both happy with the arrangement then for now stick with it.

If you ex is going to be with his dp long term or you get a long term partner then in the long term this arrangement will need to evolve to keep everyone happy.

But if in the here and now it's working then go with whatever suits you best.

I don't agree that you should get a babysitter to cover your nights out that's ridiculous. They're your ex's kids too so why should you have to fork out to enjoy a bit of free time when he's free, doesn't mind doing it and they're his responsibility too.

As for texting him and ow, in the nicest way possible it just screams out that you're not over him- even if you are. I'd leave it to him to deal with his dp and not give them the satisfaction of you looking like you're being unreasonable.

snorepatrol · 30/03/2016 10:52

Bluelillys it's hardly babysitting when they're his own children.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 30/03/2016 10:56

Personally I can't see why she's getting to wound up about it. I would have loved my ex to have done this. She's got the opportunity to have her own space (that's healthy in a relationship, right?) he gets one on one time with his kids. She doesn't have to run around after his kids. Seems good to me.

Do they ever actually go to their dad's OP?

Original poster
oneorthebloodyother · 30/03/2016 11:04

Ok maybe I didn't explain myself properly.
She has an issue with him having extra days with the dcs during the holidays ie him picking them up from me after work and spending time with them that is the main issue
I really couldn't care less about the fact that she doesn't like him being here once a week, for the sake of my dcs i am not willing to budge on that as I have worked for far to long and put in to much effort trying to build a better co-parenting relationship with ex.

I am in no way blaming her as walter pointed out I said he is allowing her to dictate how when and for how long he can see dc which in my view is wrong, yes he should grow a backbone and tell her that the kids come first, but because he has over the last few years Put her first she now doesn't like it and that's his fault, I do completely understand that she may be pissed off that all of a sudden she has to share him if you like but it's about time.

I'm not going to contact her I just needed a bit of advice as in all honesty this has never come up before although I've known that he has put her and others before dcs, we have never actually spoken about her I don't even mention her name so it is a new situation to me.
I'm not expecting her to go anywhere or for him to choose as I certainly don't want him back she's more than welcome to him but he unfortunately he will be in my life until one of us dies so we have to work together.

OP posts:
Original poster
oneorthebloodyother · 30/03/2016 11:13

blue he isn't babysitting as what he does on that one evening is exactly the same thing I would be doing if I was here so am I just babysitting?

OP posts:
Bluelilies · 30/03/2016 11:16

No, because you're in your own home.

FaithLoveandHope · 30/03/2016 11:19

I can see blue's point and missed the bit where the kids are in bed. He is essentially babysitting and I can see why his gf is pissed off. I'd be pissed off too if DP had a long drive just so his ex could go out whilst his DC slept!

FaithLoveandHope · 30/03/2016 11:20

Also I agree it does sound like you're not over him. Venting online / in your head / to friends is absolutely fine but it's really not your place to tell ex you don't like her and it's especially not your place to message her Shock

imeatingthechocolate · 30/03/2016 11:27

he isn't really babysitting he is looking after his own children he isn't getting paid for it and surely the other parent is the preference for childcare duties? why have a stranger when parent are around

Original poster
oneorthebloodyother · 30/03/2016 11:29

I am over him and can say that now and truly mean it. This is the first time I have ever said anything to him about her, I've seen her out and about and have always been polite and never blamed her for their affair infact I told her myself that there was no bad feelings from me towards her as she didn't even know I existed through the lies he told her.

OP posts:
Original poster
oneorthebloodyother · 30/03/2016 11:36

Exactly he is spending time with his children wether he is at mine or his he would be doing the same thing but it would be a longer day for the dcs and he would actually get less time if they were at his house.

OP posts:
wheresthel1ght · 30/03/2016 11:38

What an absolute crock of shite blue

He is their FATHER he is looking after his kids, that isn't babysitting that is BEING A PARENT regardless of it is in his home or hers.

The gf's feelings are utterly irrelevant and I say that has a step mum. It doesn't matter if she is pissed off. And it doesn't matter if she is pissed off that he has them extra days in the holidays because that is what should happen.

IF what he has said is true then she is a twat. I would love to have my dscs with dp more and if his ex needed a night off and we didn't live close enough to get them to school the next day o would actively encourage a set up like this one.

At the end of the day the only thing that matters is the kids happiness. As adults we can swallow our prides, suck it up and deal with uncomfortable situations. Kids cannot.

snorepatrol · 30/03/2016 11:38

It's not babysitting Confused

By your logic blue if I go to my mums house with my dc, she nips out for an hour and during that time my children fall asleep in her house I'm babysitting them right?

Because by your logical a parent looking after their own children in someone else's house is babysitting? Or does this only count for dads? Confused

How can you babysit your own children?

snorepatrol · 30/03/2016 11:40

*logic not logical

NNalreadyinuse · 30/03/2016 11:40

He is not babysitting - he is doing the bedtime routine with his kids, which is what most parents do.

As for his gf, tough titties that she doesn't like this arrangement - she dhoulfn't be in a relationship with a man who is a father if she is unwilling to share his time.

OP, do nothing. Carry on as you are and enjoy the fact that her nose is out of joint. Of course you should have your one evening out and he should have to do his share. It is his problem that logistically he cannot have the dc stay overnight and take them to school on thursday and his problrm that his gf is a whiny bitch who resents his kids.

howtodowills · 30/03/2016 11:52

Could he have the kids at his / take them out for tea and then drop them home at yours with a babysitter till you get home.

I wouldn't want to be in my exH house and I can see why his DP feels strange about him being at yours. I'm not sure it's great for the kids to have dad at mums regularly too.

Definitely don't contact his DP though - you'll look like a jealous angry ex (even though I can see your point!)

Original poster
oneorthebloodyother · 30/03/2016 12:16

What would be the point in paying a stranger to sit in my house When their dad is available and willing? Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
oneorthebloodyother · 30/03/2016 12:30

It's basically just playing right into her hands and giving into what she wants when that is is not her decision to make.
the arrangement ex and I have atm works best for us, when the dcs get older of course things will change but for now it's fine.

OP posts:
NNalreadyinuse · 30/03/2016 12:46

If it works for you then it doesn't matter if other people would do things differently. U actually think it's quite nice for the dc that you are comfortable with your ex being in your house and he is confortable being there. I know that wouldn't work for everyone and I see why it would piss of his gf, but sod her, you owe her the same level of consideration that she gave you.
Personally, I'd be getting delight out of the fact that she is so irritated by it!

FaithLoveandHope · 30/03/2016 12:55

Fair enough then one if it's the first time you've said something. I think we all snap at times even if it doesn't help the situation.

If he's willing then it's not an issue and your right there's no point paying somebody else. Ultimately he needs to stop telling you what she thinks because it's utterly irrelevant from your point of view. Have you asked him why he's telling? I really can't see what he's expecting to achieve tbh!

NNalreadyinuse · 30/03/2016 13:03

He's expecting you to come up with a solution to his problem, like you are his wife or something. Or like you give a shit that his ow gf is disgruntled. Tell him to stop telling you her opinions as they are of no consequence as to how you live your life. He is a cheeky bugger really and she is just foul - bad enough to have a hand in breaking up a family but to moan because he is fulfilling his obligations to his children is just disgusting.

BrandNewAndImproved · 30/03/2016 13:22

I agree with blue. He is babysitting his kids in your house and it's odd.

I wouldn't be with a man who had this arrangement with his ex and I don't let my ex in my house for contact even though my dd would love that. I'm also the Queen of odd step relationships, I've been on holiday with my then dps ex wife and I get on really well with his other ex to the point we plan days out with the kids together and I still think your arrangement is odd.

If you want to go out, see friends and go to the gym ect and you you need a babysitter then find one or arrange proper midweek contact. Hes not there to help you have a social life.

snorepatrol · 30/03/2016 14:05

How the hell do you babysit your own kids what am I missing?

BrandNewAndImproved · 30/03/2016 14:13

It's not contact, he's looking after them at their mums house how she wants it to be. Then he stays downstairs like a babysitter until 10 when she's home whilst they sleep. Hes not having them at his own house and doing his own thing whilst they're in bed he's babysitting until she gets home.

He's doing the op a favour and not really benefitting from babysitting like he/they would from contact.