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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Advice on exdp gf.

134 replies

oneorthebloodyother · 29/03/2016 18:45

Firstly I'm not a stepmother I'm asking on here to get a little bit of an insight before I go in head first and start shouting the odds at exdp and his gf.

Exdp left me for his gf just over 3 years ago now, yes it does still hurt a little bit for the most part I'm over it.
Anyway myself and ex haven't always got on but recently we have been able to sit in the same room without wanting to kill each other so I feel we're in a good place to co parent our two ds'.
We've both agreed a timetable of how and when he has dcs but his gf is now trying to throw a spanner in the works, saying to him she doesn't want him spending so much time away from her or at my house which is only one evening per week and I'm not even there.
It really has riled me up as my dcs have missed out on so much time with their dad not only because of him but her aswell and I don't know what to really do about the situation, I know that if I say something to him it will more than likely cause an argument and put all our hard work back to square one.
I also messaged him this morning that I cannot stand the fact that he is with this woman and he is allowing her to dictate to him as and when he can see our dcs and that he has become such a horrible person since being with her.
Wibu to txt her and let her know that my dcs were there before she even existed and will be there long after she has gone and if she is so worried about the fact he is at mine then she shouldn't have slept with another woman's and especially one who has children.

Sorry it was a bit of a rant but I think you get my drift.

OP posts:
Original poster
oneorthebloodyother · 29/03/2016 20:49

No he hasn't said that he cannot carry on with the contact arrangement we have atm it is honestly working for us and believe me if he didn't want to do it he just wouldn't show up, he wouldn't tell me that it's his gf that doesn't want him to do it.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 29/03/2016 20:52

Well then- just carry on as you are.

(She sounds horrible but she's not your business)

Original poster
oneorthebloodyother · 29/03/2016 20:55

helmet what I meant by selfish is that I don't want to give up that evening, it's mine I earned it if you like it's 3 hours a week where I get to me not mum.

And as I said yes she does have a problem with the one evening but she also seems to have a problem with the fact that there maybe more during holidays.

OP posts:
Helmetbymidnight · 29/03/2016 20:58

If your ex is getting flak it's his problem - it would be utterly bizarre if you jumped in to fight his battles.

iyamehooru · 29/03/2016 20:59

No advice but oh the irony....she doesn't like him spending one night a week at your house when you're out......now she knows how you might have felt when they started their affair, it's called karma.

Fourormore · 29/03/2016 20:59

So that's her problem to deal with, not yours. You can just merrily carry on doing what you're doing.

MeMySonAndl · 29/03/2016 21:07

You know, girlfriend or no girlfriend I think it is very wrong of you to expect for the contact to take place at your home only. You are not together, that is not his house anymore and it is confusing for your children. I bet that if you get a boyfriend, he would also feel somewhat uncomfortable at your ex being at your home. Can he collect them from school and bring them back after dinner?

He may not have them overnight if he is working 7 days of the week, but if he isn't, I think he just don't want to have them around. I'm sorry to say this, but if his social life is more important than spending time with his children, you know where the things are heading, and unfortunately, there is not much you can do about it.

Parents who really care for their children, work things around contact. Stopping/ reducing contact is never an option, they would change things around (including dumping new partners) to ensure contact is protected. So I would say, try not to hurt yourself further by placing the blame on this woman, it is your spineless ex who is to blame.

Original poster
oneorthebloodyother · 29/03/2016 21:11

I don't know her to comment on whether she is horrible or but yes from what I've heard from his family and some mutual friends she isn't very nice.

I think the reason I want to call her is to find out what her actual problem is and if it's with dcs or me, it's so frustrating and it's bothering me more than it should.

OP posts:
Original poster
oneorthebloodyother · 29/03/2016 21:22

me I never said that the only contact he has with the dcs is at my house, he collects them on Fridays after school as he finishes work early then takes them to their clubs Saturday and brings them back, he comes to my house on a Wednesday after work and does their bedtime routine while I am out.
there is no other way that we can work around that with work and dcs after school clubs without one or the other driving up and down dropping off or collecting dcs.

I am more than aware that we are not together as are our dcs they know daddy lives with his gf and not with us.
If I do get a boyfriend yes they may feel uncomfortable but he will also need to understand that my children come first and it's what is best for them.

OP posts:
Original poster
oneorthebloodyother · 29/03/2016 21:25

I've also already said I am not blaming her and he needs to address whatever issue it is she has, but I also want to know myself as it was pointed out he is a liar which I am aware of and I want to find out the truth myself.

OP posts:
wheresthel1ght · 29/03/2016 21:33

One you need to put it to bed. Contacting her won't give you the answers you want. What it will do is cement the fact that he will take her side and your now relatively harmonious contact will be shattered.

Her issue (if it is hers and not him being a knob) is either

  1. she is jealous of the time he is spending with the kids
  2. she is terrified he will realise what he walked away from and want to come back this ditching her

Knowing for definite doesn't change anything. What you need to do is remember he made his bed and now needs to lie in it. So ether tell him that you don't want to know about her issues as that is his problem to sort out. Your only concern is that your children see their father in the least disruptive way they can.

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 29/03/2016 21:34

I'd not care about how something affects someone if it were the OW, I'm a step mum but cheating is horrible.

Having said that, I don't think it's healthy for you, your Ex or your kids to have regular contact in your house. It's a bit like giving kids sugar, of course they'll like it but in the long term it does nobody any good and just delays either of you moving on. You need to move on too OP, for your sake change it, not the GFs.

MeMySonAndl · 29/03/2016 22:31

I would add...
3) it is not the GF who had a problem but your ex passing the blame.

How do you know how she feels? Is that what your ex told you? For what is worth he may be lying to her as well, telling her that you are unreasonable.

My ex does it all the time, he would say that he couldn't do this or that because his partner didn't agree to that, as he did when we were married, every time he didn't have the spine to say no, he would say "MeMy doesn't like/want that".

At some point the poor woman (new partner) went into hysterical mode and almost hit me with our the car because apparently I was forcing exh and her to do things that she hated. I can assure you I do not have the faintest clue about what on earth I could have done to cause such behaviour. My only request at that time was for DS to be picked up on time on contact days.

Put it to rest, keep the good work in trying to facilitate contact and try not to pay much attention to her, if you can.

neonrainbow · 29/03/2016 22:48

Anyway op there will be no good to come from you contacting her.

Waltermittythesequel · 29/03/2016 23:06

I also messaged him this morning that I cannot stand the fact that he is with this woman and he is allowing her to dictate to him as and when he can see our dcs and that he has become such a horrible person since being with her.

I don't know her to comment on whether she is horrible or but yes from what I've heard from his family and some mutual friends she isn't very nice.

Look, you have every reason in the world not to like this woman but come on!

It is absolutely none of your business what she does or doesn't say to him. It's not affecting you or your dc if he's still turning up every Wednesday.

Further, it's been three years and his family are ok bitching about her to the ex?

I'm sure she's awful, terrible, the worst human being on the planet. But there's every chance she's not going anywhere and if you keep up that sort of stuff ^^ he'll have to choose. It won't be you.

It seems like you care a lot. Why do you? Your relationship is over. Good terms is amicable pick ups and drop offs. Maybe the occasional cuppa. Not contemplating sending her a text telling her the children come first. His behaviour and words should be telling her that, not yours.

Original poster
oneorthebloodyother · 29/03/2016 23:14

I'm not saying that he hasn't said anything bad about me to her or told her that I'm forcing him into something just to piss her off or mess with their life but I don't believe he's lying, i know him well enough to know when he's bullshitting me.

OP posts:
MeMySonAndl · 29/03/2016 23:27

I think he may be enjoying having two women fighting for his attention. It is quite a cowardly thing to tell you the problem is her, as even if it was true, it doesn't help you to get over his affair and leaving, but adds insult to injury.

Really, just ignore him. If he is enjoying antagonising both of you, getting angry gives him what he wants. Concentrate on your children and try to detach yourself from this twat.

Wdigin2this · 29/03/2016 23:50

Difficult situation! Would I want my ex in my house, no....but only because it would feel weird! Would I have contacted ex's gf direct.....in your circs, absolutely not! Would I expect my ex to sort it out with his gf, and avoid dumping the problem on me......damn right!

If him coming to your home to see his DC is the only viable option, then that's how it has to be, and whether his gf approves/likes it or not is no concern of yours! So tell your ex, you're happy to continue with the current arrangements, (and YES, you certainly do deserve that time) but keep any problems it causes with his gf to himself....you don't need or want to know!

FaithLoveandHope · 30/03/2016 07:45

I find it bizarre he has contact at yours but whatever works for you. My DP used to have contact at his ex's several nights a week whilst she was still there. I didn't like it but ultimately it wasn't my place to say. They have since come to an agreement that he has his DC at his place rather than hers but that had nothing to do with me. I think you need to ignore his gf. Sending texts saying you don't like her and don't like him being with her isn't helping the situation and is naturally going to put him on the defensive. I understand your frustration, from your point of view you had a situation which worked for all until she came along. He shouldn't be telling you her view on things and it sounds like he's just trying to cause trouble. Please try to ignore it and not get involved. It's his issue and if he genuinely wants to change contact then he needs to grow a backbone and say that rather than blaming it all on his gf.

MyKingdomForBrie · 30/03/2016 09:27

Not really sure of the issue. His gf doesn't like it but he's still doing it so what's the problem? His gf's feelings are his issue not yours, as long as he doesn't let them affect contact I can't see why you're concerned. Definitely don't contact her, no need at all.

Bluelilies · 30/03/2016 10:05

You need to not be relying on your ex for what is essentially babysitting in your home.

Could you ask whether he'd be willing to cover the cost of a babysitter once a week? Keep contact about contact, which is him being in charge of the kids at his place

wheresthel1ght · 30/03/2016 10:12

Blulillies that is quite possibly the most ridiculous thing ever. Why should she pay a baby sitter when the kids dad is available and willing to see his kids.

If one half of a couple posted about the other "babysitting" there would be uproar. This is no different.

It clearly works for the kids and frankly that is all that matters

Bluelilies · 30/03/2016 10:36

But he is essentially babysitting! He's at someone else's house looking after sleeping children so that their mum can have a night out. And he's got two hours driving there and back too.

His GF doesn't want him to do that, but OP, reasonably enough, feels that she's entitled to one night out in the week, and it isn't logistically feasible for the kids to spend a midweek at their dad's. Solution, he pays for her to get a sitter one night a week.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 30/03/2016 10:37

Actually, I think bluelillies has a point. It's hardly quality time with Dad if they are in bed, so a babysitter would be an option

stolemyusername · 30/03/2016 10:41

If you and your ex are happy with it then his girlfriend needs to shut her mouth!