I dont like my step daughter

[WheresMyHeadAt85]

I feel very ashamed, but would love some advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation.
I have an 8 year old daughter with me ex partner. My Fiancé has a 6yr old daughter with his ex partner. My Fiancé and I have been together for nearly 5 years (engaged for 4) and have a mortgage together.
Some brief history about my partners ex ... She left him when she was 6 months pregnant and refused him contact. He did his very best to provide for his daughter, buying her clothes and nappy's, he paid maintenance to his ex and set up a savings account for his daughter. When his daughter was 2, she appeared with his ex on his birthday as a surprise. She allowed him half an hour. After that, visitation went back to nothing. Having talked about it and finding some money, we decided to seek the advice of a solicitor as he has paternal rights. Communication fired up between his ex and our solicitor, he saw a mediator which broke down because of her, he tried re arranging another appointment, however she didn't show. She then agreed with our solicitor that my partner could have access for 2 hours every Saturday under her supervision and that myself nor my daughter were to be involved. We agreed to that, as my partner was just desperate to see his little girl, and I understood that he needed to bond with her.
This supervision went on for a year. My partner ended up each weekend following his ex around doing things she wanted to do, and just pushing his daughter around ... who conveniently would have a nap around his access. When we went back to the solicitors to sort better access, the ex refused access again, claiming he was an unfit father, and put their daughter into church every weekend, so he couldn't gain visitation.
My partner and I had just moved into our new house, and the savings we had were for our wedding.
We knew solicitors were trying their best, but we were heading towards court and more money was needed, so we cancelled the wedding lost deposits and I gave him the ring back to sell.
We ended up being at battle against her for nearly two years, and cost us nearly £8K. His ex would find every excuse (all lies) for her daughter not to come to ours. Everything from us apparently growing drugs in the loft, to i lock my daughter in her room, we've had accusations that my daughter (6 at the time) was showing her daughter how to strangle someone, she's apparently suddenly allergic to our two dogs (a lab and a Dalmatian) and the final straw was claiming that her daughter was raped by her dad ... All lies and we were checked out by police and other authorities. Cafcass sided with us and the ex complained about the officer and had her removed off the case, she even complained about the judge. We obtained a court order and was allowed visitations at home every other weekend Friday to Sunday, and every Wednesday from 5:15-6.30 with the opportunity to increase it as she's older. She adhered to this for 3 months and then broke it by denying access again. We then had to pay extra to enforce it. (She broke that again) so we now have 3 court orders against her and she has been warned by the judge that if she was to break it again, she would be reprimanded. (So far touch wood ... It's been a year and we've had no reason to take her to court) We obtained the stepdaughters medical notes and it was shocking ... 40 a4 pages front and back of notes, the ex had basically taken his daughter with complaints about us, but claiming they were the daughters issues. She had cried rape on an old boyfriend of hers too, (which was the first my partner had heard about it) there were 2 full a4 pages of medication that the daughter had been prescribed (laxatives and lotions) When we confronted the drs, it had appeared she had played the system ... jumping from one dr to the other, and they asked us if we would consider taking the child on full time, and they would go to a board meeting about removing the child from the care of the mother.
My history is my ex cheated on me when our daughter was 10 days old and he's not very involved ... He's the dad that likes the best of both worlds and when it suits him to be a dad, he'll be there. At the moment he sees our daughter every other Sunday from 2-6 and I've managed to push one of those to 11-6 ... I love my daughter dearly - I just need a break sometimes. My fiancé has been in her life since she was 3, he's been to school plays and parents evenings, he's taught her to ride a bike and be independent.

Now my issue at hand is that after all this time, I have just started suffering anxiety attacks and I'm pretty sure my fiancés daughter is the trigger. I seem to get them when she's here or she's about to arrive.

I can't put my finger on what's wrong, I just don't like my stepdaughter.

She's a lovely girl and is very bright - her mother has put her into private education and advanced her to the year above (so she's 6 but with 7-8 yr olds) she's great at reading but lacks every other skill .. She has no spacial awareness, cannot dress herself (I taught her how to put a tshirt on when she was 5) she uses the toilet every 10 mins even if she doesn't want to go, someone has to wipe her bum still and use baby wipes, she acts like a complete baby. (her mother has taught her not to use the toilet whilst at school due to the fact the teachers cannot wipe her bum) My daughter goes to a state school just down the road, and its a lovely school, and my daughter is excelling in all areas. Im not jealous of my step daughter going to private school, but I do pitty her sometimes as shes at the stage now where she has no friends her age, and she is struggling in all other areas except reading. I cant help but think that if she was to go into mainstream school, she would suffer. The head teacher there has tried to put her back into the year she should be, but the mother is not excepting it. My partner has supported the headteacher, although nothing has been done.

I suppose it's the way she's been bought up which is quite different to how I raised My daughter and she just irritates me. Whenever she's here I can feel that I'm not my usual self and I just don't want to spend time with her. She's also starting to grate on My daughter who last week said she was getting annoyed with her. I get that I'm coming across like a bitch but I just can't help it.
I've acknowledged the problem and it could be a clash of personalities - who knows. I'm not trying to blame her for the issue I have. she doesn't seem to pick up on the fact I don't like her? Maybe I'm projecting some of the negative feelings from His ex onto her - but I'm trying not to. There is nothing bad that she's done, she's a lovely girl, but she grates on me. The way she talks the things she says the sounds she makes. It all irritates me. She puts me on edge - nothing specific apart from her immaturity I suppose. I don't find her 'innocence', or her inability to do general life skills endearing, I find it annoying.

I do want to say that although she irritates me, I am nice to her when she's here and we do things together although I don't deny that my annoyance is always well hid. I just can't wait for her to go home. I am ashamed but I am just being honest. I struggle that she thinks she's better than My daughter educationally and everyone from her side of the family thinks she's perfect. I can see how it crushes My daughter.

My partner and I are at loggerheads now and are about to split because of the kids. (I'm a dental nurse in the day and had to take on two extra jobs (one on some eves and one on a Saturday to pay off debt caused by court) he now feels he's a babysitter to my daughter.

Hes completely different around my daughter when his daughter is here, and there are a lot of arguments. My daughter is quite head strong and will give attitude. His daughter lies all the time, and often points the blame onto my daughter who will stand up for herself. My daughter then gets sent to her room (for basically telling the truth)
If I take my daughter to work with me, to give him a break and for him to spend some time with his daughter, he will take her swimming and then out for lunch and do a spot of shopping ... everything that he knows will upset my daughter. He then makes me out to be the bad guy because I was the one who decided to take my daughter with me and that's why she couldn't go. Im aware that he is entitled to time with his daughter, but hurting another child in the process is not on in my books. As soon as his daughter has gone, its like a haze has lifted and everything returns to normal. its bizarre!

We took our kids to butlins once as our holiday to get away from court rooms and solicitors ... Yet his ex phoned everyday to speak to their daughter. She was feeding her questions, like do you want to come home, shall mummy pick you up etc .. It stressed me out and ruined our holiday. This year we didn't take his daughter away and his ex got snotty that we weren't taking their daughter. There is no right or wrong!! I don't want to spend my life ruled by his ex and id love to get on with his daughter, but she's just a spoilt brat who lies all the time.

I honestly don't know what to do ... I don't like having these anxiety attacks and I love my fiancée dearly, we've got the same circle of friends and we're soul mates ... But he can't handle that I don't accept his daughter and says if I dont then there's no us. Neither of us want to actually end it, and when he upsets me from the things he says, he will say he was never intent on hurting me and he loves me and always will, and still calls me babe etc, then he changes and its horrible.
Obviously its not a case of just moving out ... we'd have to sell the house and divide assets.
Just seems a lot to lose.

I'm not asking him to chose between me and his daughter, and i know i come across like a bitch, I just need to know if anyone has dealt with not bonding with their step kid and how you resolved it! (Sorry for the essay!)

Thanks in advance

[amarmai]

for the sake of you and your dd , i wd be out of there.

[newname99]

I think you have given more (emotionally, financially & physically) than you can afford. I understand how it happens..been there but not such a dreadful ex.My dsd is now a teen and like yours, she lies to manipulate others and she is immature, all traits which are harming her and her relationships with friends.She does get on with me but also behaves badly with me.She seems to protect her relationship with her dad (who idolises her) and I think I am expendable.

She has had counselling and goes frequentely.Generally I think it's getting better and when she goes to Uni I think it will help even more as she will be away from her mum.

But it has been years and at times it has caused me such unhappiness.I make sure I get time to myself and even have solo holidays with my children giving dh time for himself and his daughter.
I would stop working weekends as this will cause you resentment.Don't sacrifice your time with your DD as she's at such a previous age.I definitely speak from experience.

At times my role with dsd felt like a foster daughter, dsd would arrive be sullen and spiteful to her half siblings.I would spend time talking to her and by the end of the weekend I would be drained.I think I would then be on tender hooks for the next visit which I think is happening to you.

Couples counselling was helpful only if it helped dh to realise the pressure I was under. The counsellor also explained that dsd needed us to have normality in her life so I felt that someone valued what I did.Often it just felt a one-way street, all giving on my side.

Weigh up the benefits of the life you have, make sure its not sunken cost fallacy.Sadly your dp has brought a toxic ex into your life.You don't have to accept it and sometimes love & life shouldn't be that hard.