I dont like my step daughter

[WheresMyHeadAt85]

I feel very ashamed, but would love some advice from anyone who's been in a similar situation.
I have an 8 year old daughter with me ex partner. My Fiancé has a 6yr old daughter with his ex partner. My Fiancé and I have been together for nearly 5 years (engaged for 4) and have a mortgage together.
Some brief history about my partners ex ... She left him when she was 6 months pregnant and refused him contact. He did his very best to provide for his daughter, buying her clothes and nappy's, he paid maintenance to his ex and set up a savings account for his daughter. When his daughter was 2, she appeared with his ex on his birthday as a surprise. She allowed him half an hour. After that, visitation went back to nothing. Having talked about it and finding some money, we decided to seek the advice of a solicitor as he has paternal rights. Communication fired up between his ex and our solicitor, he saw a mediator which broke down because of her, he tried re arranging another appointment, however she didn't show. She then agreed with our solicitor that my partner could have access for 2 hours every Saturday under her supervision and that myself nor my daughter were to be involved. We agreed to that, as my partner was just desperate to see his little girl, and I understood that he needed to bond with her.
This supervision went on for a year. My partner ended up each weekend following his ex around doing things she wanted to do, and just pushing his daughter around ... who conveniently would have a nap around his access. When we went back to the solicitors to sort better access, the ex refused access again, claiming he was an unfit father, and put their daughter into church every weekend, so he couldn't gain visitation.
My partner and I had just moved into our new house, and the savings we had were for our wedding.
We knew solicitors were trying their best, but we were heading towards court and more money was needed, so we cancelled the wedding lost deposits and I gave him the ring back to sell.
We ended up being at battle against her for nearly two years, and cost us nearly £8K. His ex would find every excuse (all lies) for her daughter not to come to ours. Everything from us apparently growing drugs in the loft, to i lock my daughter in her room, we've had accusations that my daughter (6 at the time) was showing her daughter how to strangle someone, she's apparently suddenly allergic to our two dogs (a lab and a Dalmatian) and the final straw was claiming that her daughter was raped by her dad ... All lies and we were checked out by police and other authorities. Cafcass sided with us and the ex complained about the officer and had her removed off the case, she even complained about the judge. We obtained a court order and was allowed visitations at home every other weekend Friday to Sunday, and every Wednesday from 5:15-6.30 with the opportunity to increase it as she's older. She adhered to this for 3 months and then broke it by denying access again. We then had to pay extra to enforce it. (She broke that again) so we now have 3 court orders against her and she has been warned by the judge that if she was to break it again, she would be reprimanded. (So far touch wood ... It's been a year and we've had no reason to take her to court) We obtained the stepdaughters medical notes and it was shocking ... 40 a4 pages front and back of notes, the ex had basically taken his daughter with complaints about us, but claiming they were the daughters issues. She had cried rape on an old boyfriend of hers too, (which was the first my partner had heard about it) there were 2 full a4 pages of medication that the daughter had been prescribed (laxatives and lotions) When we confronted the drs, it had appeared she had played the system ... jumping from one dr to the other, and they asked us if we would consider taking the child on full time, and they would go to a board meeting about removing the child from the care of the mother.
My history is my ex cheated on me when our daughter was 10 days old and he's not very involved ... He's the dad that likes the best of both worlds and when it suits him to be a dad, he'll be there. At the moment he sees our daughter every other Sunday from 2-6 and I've managed to push one of those to 11-6 ... I love my daughter dearly - I just need a break sometimes. My fiancé has been in her life since she was 3, he's been to school plays and parents evenings, he's taught her to ride a bike and be independent.

Now my issue at hand is that after all this time, I have just started suffering anxiety attacks and I'm pretty sure my fiancés daughter is the trigger. I seem to get them when she's here or she's about to arrive.

I can't put my finger on what's wrong, I just don't like my stepdaughter.

She's a lovely girl and is very bright - her mother has put her into private education and advanced her to the year above (so she's 6 but with 7-8 yr olds) she's great at reading but lacks every other skill .. She has no spacial awareness, cannot dress herself (I taught her how to put a tshirt on when she was 5) she uses the toilet every 10 mins even if she doesn't want to go, someone has to wipe her bum still and use baby wipes, she acts like a complete baby. (her mother has taught her not to use the toilet whilst at school due to the fact the teachers cannot wipe her bum) My daughter goes to a state school just down the road, and its a lovely school, and my daughter is excelling in all areas. Im not jealous of my step daughter going to private school, but I do pitty her sometimes as shes at the stage now where she has no friends her age, and she is struggling in all other areas except reading. I cant help but think that if she was to go into mainstream school, she would suffer. The head teacher there has tried to put her back into the year she should be, but the mother is not excepting it. My partner has supported the headteacher, although nothing has been done.

I suppose it's the way she's been bought up which is quite different to how I raised My daughter and she just irritates me. Whenever she's here I can feel that I'm not my usual self and I just don't want to spend time with her. She's also starting to grate on My daughter who last week said she was getting annoyed with her. I get that I'm coming across like a bitch but I just can't help it.
I've acknowledged the problem and it could be a clash of personalities - who knows. I'm not trying to blame her for the issue I have. she doesn't seem to pick up on the fact I don't like her? Maybe I'm projecting some of the negative feelings from His ex onto her - but I'm trying not to. There is nothing bad that she's done, she's a lovely girl, but she grates on me. The way she talks the things she says the sounds she makes. It all irritates me. She puts me on edge - nothing specific apart from her immaturity I suppose. I don't find her 'innocence', or her inability to do general life skills endearing, I find it annoying.

I do want to say that although she irritates me, I am nice to her when she's here and we do things together although I don't deny that my annoyance is always well hid. I just can't wait for her to go home. I am ashamed but I am just being honest. I struggle that she thinks she's better than My daughter educationally and everyone from her side of the family thinks she's perfect. I can see how it crushes My daughter.

My partner and I are at loggerheads now and are about to split because of the kids. (I'm a dental nurse in the day and had to take on two extra jobs (one on some eves and one on a Saturday to pay off debt caused by court) he now feels he's a babysitter to my daughter.

Hes completely different around my daughter when his daughter is here, and there are a lot of arguments. My daughter is quite head strong and will give attitude. His daughter lies all the time, and often points the blame onto my daughter who will stand up for herself. My daughter then gets sent to her room (for basically telling the truth)
If I take my daughter to work with me, to give him a break and for him to spend some time with his daughter, he will take her swimming and then out for lunch and do a spot of shopping ... everything that he knows will upset my daughter. He then makes me out to be the bad guy because I was the one who decided to take my daughter with me and that's why she couldn't go. Im aware that he is entitled to time with his daughter, but hurting another child in the process is not on in my books. As soon as his daughter has gone, its like a haze has lifted and everything returns to normal. its bizarre!

We took our kids to butlins once as our holiday to get away from court rooms and solicitors ... Yet his ex phoned everyday to speak to their daughter. She was feeding her questions, like do you want to come home, shall mummy pick you up etc .. It stressed me out and ruined our holiday. This year we didn't take his daughter away and his ex got snotty that we weren't taking their daughter. There is no right or wrong!! I don't want to spend my life ruled by his ex and id love to get on with his daughter, but she's just a spoilt brat who lies all the time.

I honestly don't know what to do ... I don't like having these anxiety attacks and I love my fiancée dearly, we've got the same circle of friends and we're soul mates ... But he can't handle that I don't accept his daughter and says if I dont then there's no us. Neither of us want to actually end it, and when he upsets me from the things he says, he will say he was never intent on hurting me and he loves me and always will, and still calls me babe etc, then he changes and its horrible.
Obviously its not a case of just moving out ... we'd have to sell the house and divide assets.
Just seems a lot to lose.

I'm not asking him to chose between me and his daughter, and i know i come across like a bitch, I just need to know if anyone has dealt with not bonding with their step kid and how you resolved it! (Sorry for the essay!)

Thanks in advance

Yes that's what we thought, and the barrister tried throwing that at her in court, but we could not get the rights to the ex's medical notes.
I do feel sorry for my step daughter, and she has complete sympathy from me, she has been dragged through a lot, and to her going to the drs all the time is normal. what I would call a general cold, the step daughter thinks she has flu etc. Her being a baby is probably normal to her, it just irritates me and creates this huge divide.

I thought from the first post munchausens :(

Didn't want to read and run, OP.

I think most people would find it hard not to associate the nightmare you have been through with the particular individual at the centre of it, even though she is entirely innocent. It sounds completely human and natural, if not logical.

She sounds like a sad victim of her mother. I am amazed that the system protects people like his ex.

Mostly, you cannot expect things to improve while your DP is being so unsupportive. He brings this to your life and you share his burden, support him, get extra jobs to pay his court fees and he repays you by being critical of you and your daughter. You deserve better so should rise this with him. Where would he be without you though all this?

Poor kid - her mother sounds dangerous and although I can understand your anxiety, I think you really have to address your negative feelings about her somehow. No matter how hard you are trying to hide your dislike of her she is bound to pick it up on instinct.

I'm a SM to two very challenging children and can honestly understand and empathise with a lot of what you are saying, but it's vital you address it for the sake of your whole family.

Do you think you can separate your feelings regarding the situation away from a 6 year old?

You know it's not her fault. It's not your fault either but the bottom line is your partner will and should separate from you if things continue as they are.

I would try taking it one visit at a time for a little while. Every time she does something that grates on you, think of why that might be and remember that none of this is the fault of a little girl. Can you fake it till you make it?

Wheres, your immediate problem here is with your DP not your DSD. He clearly finds the situation with his DD very difficult - understandably - but he is taking that out on you and your DD.

I find it odd that you phrase it 'I dislike my stepdaughter' and think that you have to defend yourself against the accusation of making him choose between you. Is that how your DP presents it, by any chance? You have - rightly - been extremely supportive of his DD and his efforts to maintain contact with her. I think the idea that you are the problem is something he is projecting onto the situation.

Perhaps you are a 'safe' person for him to be angry with, or perhaps (ironically) he feels guilty about the fact you all have a happy family life and his DD doesn't.

I suspect your anxiety is as much about having to fight a constant domestic battle with your DP when your DSD is there as it is about your DSD herself. He is forgetting that, although it is a difficult situation for him, and he needs your support to get through it, it is also a difficult situation for you, and you need his support. If you are working two jobs to pay his court bills, he shouldn't be complaining about 'babysitting', and he certainly should be limiting the effects on your DD as much as possible, not aggravating them.

I agree with the people who are saying the situation with your DSD sounds serious and she needs all the help she can get, but she is much more likely to get it if you and your DP can work together. I think, at least as a start, you should talk to him about the effects of his behaviour on you and see what he says.

I think your OH and you need counselling. You've been through a lot and the desire to win this battle kept you going. Now that you have, it feels that you are starting to question the battle you thought for in the first place. You both need to do and speak to someone neutral about how you feel and you need to discuss your place in this new setting.

You post strikes of a position where you are in it to defend and protect your daughter whilst he does the same with hers. The more one do so with their child, the more the other retaliate. To save your relationship, you'll need to see the two of you as a unit again. This will be hard work and will involve battling against your instinct to protect your own child, so it will come down to how committed to each other you are.

My daughter understands that her step sisters mum isn't all there and things that happen aren't necessarily our or her step sisters fault

Saying all this, I do find the above quite concerning. How would an 8yo have come to know enough about the situation to believe this? Do you realise that if you struggle to hide your feelings towards your SD, how is your DD going to hide what she believes of her SS's mum? How can you be sure that in the middle of one of their arguments, she won't throw to her that her mum isn't 'all there'? She is much too young to be believing something like this especially of someone she doesn't even know.

Sadly, I think you and your daughter would be better off out of this toxic relationship! I understand, when you say, 'I don't like my SD!' It's not about what she's learned from her (crazy) mother, it's about sometimes you take a dislike to a person (whatever their age) you don't know why...but you just can't like them! If this is how you feel about her when she's 6, you're going to have trouble tolerating her when she's 16!!!
All the stuff about solicitors, the EW, court cases, cancelled weddings etc....is irrelevant really, you're working a few jobs to try and pay off, what are essentially your finance's debts and he doesn't appear to appreciate that! I don't think you 4 will ever really make it as as family....sorry, but you're better off ending it now!

Definitely definitely look into counselling for yourself. Have you spoken to your GP about the anxiety? It's so easy to get caught up in the conflict and the never-ending court process, and then the emotional impact catches you out later.

Thanks everyone for your input ... We spoke yesterday and although we love each other, we're not sure where to draw the line. We're not sure whether we call it a day because we have to not because we want to.
I have enquired about counselling and awaiting a reply.

I know exactly where you are coming from. I'm sure the reason so many second marriages/relationships fail is due to kids and ex's.

My hubby and I always say we are fine it's the peripheral shit that causes us problems. Try and see it like that. Have a good chat with dp, let him read what you've posted and ask him to be honest with you and then work out how you can move forward together. I think you've made so many sacrifices for dp's DD that this is clouding your judgement. It's not her fault the way she is. Try and be positive and get her and your daughter working together not apart. Acknowledge their differences and strengths and weaknesses and encourage them to help each other.

I know it's hard but it'll be worth it if you can get past this.

OP if you have SD to live with you could you really cope? If the answer is yes then just don't send her back. The ex would the have to take you to court and by the time it came to court, teachers, doctors etc would be able to say well actually there's been an improvement in xyz and she's better off with dad.

Obviously it might not go that way but in my experience it does, particularly as mum is so obviously unfit.

Your step daughter is your daughter's HALF sister not her step sister.

I feel sorry for both children and it seems that the situation cannot be resolved. It might be best if you and your partner separated.

I know you've written a huge opening post, op, but I just don't feel we're getting the full story here. Surely the biggest part of this is the sexualised behaviour and the accusation of rape against your dp? Yet that barely gets a mention in the op, you are more concerned about your dislike of your sd's personality. It sounds nightmarish but I sincerely doubt Mumsnet has anyone who can help you.

"Just don't send her back" - did I really just read that??

See, you'll get ridiculous advice like that, op, when really it seems to me that your family needs massive professional input.

I'm glad you've had a chat with him. It's hard enough to make a decision like that but when you've invested as much as you have, it's even harder. You probably need to recover a bit or step back a bit to put yourself in a better place to make any decisions, whether that's to commit to staying or commit to leaving.
Counselling will help because it's a neutral person. I have found it hard to talk to people in RL about our conflict situation because they react to the drama with either horror or disbelief, neither of which are helpful to me.
There can be a wait for counselling so try to get yourself on more than one waiting list. If what comes up first doesn't work for you, try a different person or a different style.
One day at a time in the meantime.
Please tell me you're not stll letting the ex into the house though.

Your step daughter is your daughter's HALF sister not her step sister.

orange the OP says in her post that her DD and her DSD do not share either parent - therefore they can't be half sisters, they are not blood related in any way.

Counselling / family therapy .
Both dds need a safe space too .

Poor little girl

orange No they are step sisters - it's quite clear in the op.

If it were me, sadly I'd walk away. The whole situation sounds horrendous and you need to protect your own daughter from this. I do feel sorry for your step daughter but it is also affecting your own daughter.

The sexualised behaviour definitely needs reporting. Your partner is also being shoddy with you given the support you've given him through all this. You need professional help and he needs to realise support is a two way street.

Pretty - my apologies; didn't read post properly.

Hi, your situation sounds horrid and not dissimilar to mine a few years ago although I didn't have a child when I met dh. I'll probably go on a bit but I have spent a lot of time, energy, tears and money (through counselling) dissecting our relationship.

I loved dh so much when we met and would have moved heaven and earth to be with him(and did). He is a good man who tries hard to please, provides financially etc... Etc..,

My dh and I have two young children( 3/4) and I met him a few months after he split from horrid ex who has made our lives a misery. He has a dd, now aged 14 who I have known since she was 6. I feel the same about her as you do about yours.

Both my pregnancies and wedding were clouded by court battles over divorce/contact, bitching, nastiness, anxiety etc... And the ex thought nothing of dragging dsd into it so we were and are the evil ones. Dh and I have had a lot of problems around this, went to relate a couple of years ago and we are still struggling, supposedly because of my inability to put my resentments aside. Things are a bit more settled with the ex than they have been in the past but I am left felling like my home isn't my own when dsd is there. I feel as though my dh, who is a good dad has always prioritised his daughter over me and my children, I changed my whole life to be with him, moved to a small, isolated and backward community (not great when you don't fit it) as he didn't want to move away from her but there has always been this sense of me being told how things are, and having no power or influence in the relationship to make any major changes. I feel as though the needs of our joint children and me have and will always be secondary to his relationship with his daughter and any feeling of love and warmth towards her that I started out with have just been chipped away at, to the point where at best, I just feel indifference.

I lived with an ex boyfriend years ago who would have his best friend (who didn't particularly like me) stay practically every weekend. I've just realised that is what this feels like. Like having to endure someone who you have no particular relationship to coming and living in your home every other weekend, never being able to lay down boundaries because she reacts so badly to me doing so, him being afraid to discipline her in case she refuses to come.

I didn't resent the stress/time/money at the time really, but my advice is to think about it very carefully before laying down roots or making any permanent commitments. If you feel like this about her now, other than her disappearing from your life, what is going to change it? Believe me, having children with him doesn't and just adds to the complications. He has spent this much time/money and effort getting to have a relationship with her, that will not change, as my dh once shouted at me during an argument "she will always come first" and she has. That act of him cancelling your wedding and selling your engagement ring may have seemed reasonable and acceptable to you at the time but the more ingrained the feeling that he puts you and your relationship/child second becomes, the more you'll look back at that as a symbol of your place in his heart and your resentment grows. My dh during my first miscarriage was wonderful-his dd was not with us that weekend. During the second a few months later, she was with us and he left me alone in our bedroom while our unborn baby bled out of me, for 10 hours while I listened to him playing with his 8yr old dd in the next room. Never checked on me once. These resentments never leave you.

I suppose what I resent most, is being made out to be the unreasonable child in all of this. I used to be a fit, attractive, sassy, independent professional with my own home etc... But now I am just a shell of that. I am an overweight, depressed stay at home
Mum with no income of my own. The biggest thing i have struggled to come to terms with is how much I resent his daughter and the venom I feel towards her. I never thought I could feel this way about a child, i love my own children more than everything. I know it's not her fault and it's the way her parents have handled things that have made this so difficult but it's very hard to live with yourself when you realise you are not the lovely caring, righteous, nurturing person you always imagined you were. It becomes very difficult to be that to your own children as much as you would like, too, as you live in a constant state of angst and stress and this only adds to your resentment. If I had my chance to make this decision again, I think I would run away as fast as I could and never look back. I would try to find someone who, at least at the beginning would view me as the most important person in his life. I know that changes when you have children but people fail to realise that if you cannot continue to hold your partner in such high esteem, your relationship with your children and their wellbeing is what is at stake. I hope you find the right path for you and your daughter.

Mynabrid, there is so much pain in your post. I am reading this as one poster who would have been the sd in your post and my sm could have been the one to write about the feelings you are experiencing.

She without a doubt resented me for the same reasons, and my dad also for the same reasons....and I hated her, really did. I hated how she thought she had a right to discipline me her own way which was totally in contrast to the ways my mum and dad believed in. I hated her for make me feel so unwelcome to the house that was supposed to be mine too eow and hols.
My dad and her got very close to split up a few times as a result of it all.

I am writing all this because maybe it will make you feel better to know that I am now 45, my sm 60 (yes, only 15 years older than I) and we have grown to be very close. I met my OH 8 years ago, when my relationship with my sm was already good and although he has heard from both of us how bad it was when I was a kid, he says that looking at us, he just cannot imagine it.

Things started to get better when I moved away and she probably felt much relief to have her home and husband for herself again, and then when I had children myself and I decided that my children didn't have to be involved in the quarrels and brought them up to consider her as their nanny.

We have talked about the past and she has admitted herself that she took things much too much at heart and should have let me be rather than feeling she had an obligation to raise me up. She said she genuinely believed that I was heading the wrong way, but times has shown that I actually grew up to be a very balanced adult. She said she wasted so much unnecessary negative energy that could have been used to build a relationship with me.

As for me, I do agree with the above, but being an adult, I can understand how hard it must have been to find her place in the family with a husband who like yours idolised me as a child.

I do hope things turn around for the best for you.

Sounds like a horrible situation OP. I think you should get out for the sake of your dd. That is not a nice way to grow up.