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Original poster

Help needed over Birth Mother's demands!

123 replies

zazas · 07/12/2006 17:05

OK Mothering voices of reason, I need some advice!

BM of my DP's 2 children has decided to go on holiday to India in Jan for 16 days. She believes that it is DP's responsibility to have the children with us over this time. No problem in having them here per se (we currently have them one night a week and alternative weekends) but it would mean that DP would have to finish work at 2.50pm each day to pick them up from school and not start work until 9.30 each day after dropping them - about an hour round trip to their village where they live and go to school - 2 hours driving a day for him. While we own our own business, it involves long hours and often DP does not finish until 7pm to get the work done. Financially we can't afford for him to cut down his hours like this nor can we get the work done (already booked up for this period) if he reduces his hours like this.

He has suggested he will still have them the one night a week and then over both weekends she is away from Friday (2pm when they finish school) until Monday morning and that she gets her Mother to stay the other nights. By the way they are 6 and 7, mine are 5 and 8 and we are expecting a baby together in April.

BM is now playing the 'guilt' card and saying that they are his kids too and his responsibility etc etc. She finishes work each day at 3.30pm to pick them up so it is his turn. This obviously ignores the fact she finishes work early because he pays her maintenance / we buy all the kids clothes and shoes and pay for any extra activities and school lunches! Plus she gets child allowanace / working tax credit and child benefit because they are resident with her! `~ (maybe why she can afford the holiday )

Anyway I think she is being unreasonable, as does DP but feels under preassure as she plays the 'they are your kids' card. The impact on us all will be large if this happens and I guess what makes me angry is that it is over a holiday - she had 2 weeks on her own with BF in August in France so she is hardly desperate for one!

Any thoughts - advice so we can sort this out?!!!

OP posts:
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yorkshireWenceslass · 07/12/2006 17:08

Is there a breakfast/afterschool club at the children's school that they could be booked in to just for the days needed? She may be able to claim additional WFTC to cover the childcare costs.

fiiiivemadmarchhaaaares · 07/12/2006 17:08

Do you and DH have kids?

I think that perhaps he should have them.

hana · 07/12/2006 17:09

hmmm
it's only for a couple of weeks?
and they are your dp's children?
I would think he'd love to have the extra time to spend with them despite and problems it might cause work/transport wise

can someone else pick up? or can they go to the nan's house until your dp can pick them up afterschool> there must be some arrangements you can make

DoesntChristmasDragOn · 07/12/2006 17:11

Your DP should look after them. They are his children.

marymillington · 07/12/2006 17:20

Its a shame that you didn't discuss this before she booked the holiday. But given that she has, I think it is your DP's responsibility to have them. Maybe you can find a way to make it work with other kinds of childcare (what do yours do between the end of school and the end of the working day? can they do the same?)

BuffysMum · 07/12/2006 17:26

I think she is being unreasonable as she has booked the holiday first then demanded he has them. Perhaps you need to go back with the we are happy to have them anytime you would like a holiday when they are not at school.

Perhaps you also need to have contact arrangements formalised ie to include ex number of full weeks per year in addition to your regular contact and that it must be in school holidays and agreed 6 months in advance etc!

I have been a SP and by ex has dd1 et, I would never dream of expecting him to have dd like that - it's beyond the joke!

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 07/12/2006 17:32

"she plays the 'they are your kids' card"

Well - they are, aren't they?

Why do you refer to their mother as "Birth Mother"? That term is usually applied to a mother whose children have been adopted, to indicate that she is mother in the biological sense only, having forfeited/lost her parental rights. It is not an appropriate term here, surely? She's not their Birth Mother, she's their mother. And your dp is their father, so if they need to be looked after, he should be there.

Original poster
zazas · 07/12/2006 17:34

hmmmmm - yes of course DP would love to have them but how is he expected to finacially provide for them if he is to reduce his work hours by such a lage amount. I figure that even if they were still married it would be alot to ask - as I said it is only a holiday!

He has suggested after school care etc (no grandparents live nearby) which would be the best option - if he can pick them up at 6pm but it still means the kids are the ones who have to endure this and an hour in the car extra each day (along a very windy country road that is rough going in winter!). But as I said BM just thinks that it is fine - she goes off and we and the kids deal with it all! Obviously if it was through sickness or work (which it has been in the past) - it is different - even if it was school holidays but this is tough going for all involved.

Fivemadmarchhares - DP is stepfather to my two (8 & 5) and we are expecting a baby in April.

I don't agree with the arguement from Doesn'tChristmasDragon 'that they are his kids - he should look after them'. For relationships to work there has to be respect and boundaries on both sides otherwise it falls apart. Personally I think BM has ignored all this in this situation.

OP posts:
DizzyBinterWonderland · 07/12/2006 17:35

what do you do about childcare for your 5 and 8 year old?

Ellaroo · 07/12/2006 17:35

I think that she's being unreasonable. If you all lived in the same village I would think her request was perfectly acceptable, but as you don't then it's hardly an 'I do it all year, so you can do it for two weeks' situation and if she wants the care shared in that way then maybe she should arrange to live closer(can't imagine you'd want that though! ). Don't know what to suggest though - could your dp's parents chip in with the transport or care?

Original poster
zazas · 07/12/2006 17:39

What is the abbreviation for BM in this case then - just M? - I just mean the kids Mother - help appreciated here!

Matmillington - the main problem is that they live 30 - 40 mins away - otherwise I would pick them up! Actually there would be no problem if they lived closer - it is just the logistics that cause problems!

OP posts:
MerryChristmasfromQV · 07/12/2006 17:42

Well, I'm guessing that he can account for maintenance for the 2 weeks you will have them, no? So you'll be saving money that way...if this really is a money issue.

He should have them, and make arrangements for this to be possible. She has them for most of the time....whats 16 days out of the 261 she usually has them - honestly? Or, including the 2 weeks in august....what is 30 days out of 261? She has them 75% of the time so, its not alot we are talking is it.

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 07/12/2006 17:42

Sorry zazas, it's just a pet hate of mine. I shouldn't have gone for you so strongly over it, I don't know you. Sorry.

DizzyBinterWonderland · 07/12/2006 17:42

'He has suggested he will still have them the one night a week and then over both weekends she is away from Friday (2pm when they finish school) until Monday morning and that she gets her Mother to stay the other nights.'

so in other words you are just offering to have them one extra weekend?

MerryChristmasfromQV · 07/12/2006 17:43

Ella - its a bit much to pull children out of a school to facilitate them being picked up 12 times in a year.

Original poster
zazas · 07/12/2006 17:44

By the way mine go to after school club when needed and I pick them up the other nights after school.

I guess it is also because I know that I would never ask my ex to have the children like this if it meant fhim inishing work so early - as I know he couldn't and I respect that he works and pays me maintenance - I just wouldn't have another 2 week holiday in less than 5 months But that is me!

OP posts:
Carmenere · 07/12/2006 17:47

You are both wrong. She is being unreasonable and cheeky to book the holiday before organising child care. Your dh is being inflexible and not very helpful.
He should be the bigger person and facilitate her, it's not fair but it is the right thing to do.
He can do it once and next time she does something irresponsible like that he can refuse absolutely.

Original poster
zazas · 07/12/2006 17:52

It is not a money issue as such but a work load one. We have a graphic design business - just 4 of us and we have 5 big jobs scheduled for completion then - we can't turn them away now or reschedule them. It also means that we would leave the juniors to work on their own each day which is not ideal.

No we would be having them 9 out of the 14 nights while she is away.

We actually have them with us about 40% of the time as we have them with most of the holidays and many extra weekends - if she wants to work. We can cope with school holidays as either I take time off or all 4 go to activity camps.

Am I the only one that thinks having a holiday regardless of the effect on anyone else is OK?

OP posts:
MerryChristmasfromQV · 07/12/2006 17:52

Gosh - do you really begrudge her a month out of 12?

You are obviously two very different people. I dont think comparing yourselves is appropriate, or making things clear in your mind.

I think you should arrange what you can, but just ask that in future - if she could discuss arrangements prior to booking so that you can deal with matters more suitably for all parties.

fiiiivemadmarchhaaaares · 07/12/2006 17:54

Agree the right thing would have been to discuss it first, but would that really have made any difference?

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 07/12/2006 17:56

I feel a bit sorry for the kids - I'd be surprised if they don't pick up something of the fact that people are arguing about who doesn't get them for two weeks. I'm not attacking you or defending their mother, zazas, I just remember being in their position myself and it was pretty miserable.

DizzyBinterWonderland · 07/12/2006 17:57

bitter step child here too.

Original poster
zazas · 07/12/2006 18:00

Yes I agree Greensleeves - yes it is crap argueing over who has them but why if it is not straight forward would a Mother make a decision like this knowing the impact it has on others.

DP, me and all 4 kids love our time together but someone has to pay the bills and do the work - just the realist in me!

OP posts:
DizzyBinterWonderland · 07/12/2006 18:02

you should rise above it and sort something out.

if she enjoys annoying you then don't let it annoy you, then maybe next time she won't bother.

santasbaby · 07/12/2006 18:38

Zazas - as a step mum to my dh's dd, I can understand your frustration about his ex's planning and having not discussed it with you first. However, the holiday is now booked and it is up to your dh to make the best of the situation.

He is their father, and while I appreciate your work commitments, he should view this as an opportunity to spend some quality time with his children - too many dads fight to see their kids. It sounds like there is no alternative that for him to pick them up for the 2 weeks from what you have said. The last thing you want is for the children to see the arguements between their parents, and to feel like their father is too busy to have them.

Could he meet with his ex and discuss the situation she's put him in? She might know of other people who could help - school friends they could go home with a couple of times over the 2 weeks which would mean he could be at work a bit more? While he's there he should ask that she discuss's things like this with him in future before she books in future