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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Help needed over Birth Mother's demands!

123 replies

zazas · 07/12/2006 17:05

OK Mothering voices of reason, I need some advice!

BM of my DP's 2 children has decided to go on holiday to India in Jan for 16 days. She believes that it is DP's responsibility to have the children with us over this time. No problem in having them here per se (we currently have them one night a week and alternative weekends) but it would mean that DP would have to finish work at 2.50pm each day to pick them up from school and not start work until 9.30 each day after dropping them - about an hour round trip to their village where they live and go to school - 2 hours driving a day for him. While we own our own business, it involves long hours and often DP does not finish until 7pm to get the work done. Financially we can't afford for him to cut down his hours like this nor can we get the work done (already booked up for this period) if he reduces his hours like this.

He has suggested he will still have them the one night a week and then over both weekends she is away from Friday (2pm when they finish school) until Monday morning and that she gets her Mother to stay the other nights. By the way they are 6 and 7, mine are 5 and 8 and we are expecting a baby together in April.

BM is now playing the 'guilt' card and saying that they are his kids too and his responsibility etc etc. She finishes work each day at 3.30pm to pick them up so it is his turn. This obviously ignores the fact she finishes work early because he pays her maintenance / we buy all the kids clothes and shoes and pay for any extra activities and school lunches! Plus she gets child allowanace / working tax credit and child benefit because they are resident with her! `~ (maybe why she can afford the holiday )

Anyway I think she is being unreasonable, as does DP but feels under preassure as she plays the 'they are your kids' card. The impact on us all will be large if this happens and I guess what makes me angry is that it is over a holiday - she had 2 weeks on her own with BF in August in France so she is hardly desperate for one!

Any thoughts - advice so we can sort this out?!!!

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

ChristmasCaroligula · 14/12/2006 18:56

amp, why have you put the word "mother" in quotation marks?

I'm intrigued.

amp · 14/12/2006 21:30

ChristmasCaroligula -In answer to your question - Due to the great debate on this thread about the term 'birth mother'and because to use the word 'mother' to refer to the women in question is to undermine it's meaning(in my opionion).

hoolagirl · 14/12/2006 21:31

Lol mozhe your mum probably didn't have the time to treat them differently with all those kids!

Caroligula · 14/12/2006 21:37

amp - I'm still confused.

Really, I am. Mystified. What d'you mean?

Caroligula · 14/12/2006 21:38

God Mozhe your mum sounds like a saint.

But I agree with whoever it was who said that being a step-mother is much easier if the stepchild's mother is dead, than if she is still around and an active part of the child's life. It's a completely different role, imo.

And yet we have the same word for them.

dara · 14/12/2006 21:51

I think Zaza and her dp are being more than reasonable. The kids' mother has clearly not thought about them at all while planning this.
I also don't think a woman is a saint for loving her adopted children, which stepchildren with no mother are. It is a hugely different situation from seeing your partner's children every other weekend when they have a perfectly good mother already. It is obviously a very good thing that their new mother loves them, but who wouldn't? I think it's odd, like saying adoptive parents are saints for loving their children.

Caroligula · 14/12/2006 21:55

No dara, because adoptive parents enter voluntarily into a maternal/ paternal relationship with children and are vetted to within an inch of their lives before they are even allowed to enter into that relationship.

Many stepparents enter into a relationship with a man or woman and don't really consider the relationship with the children until they're already in it. That's a completely different dynamic, imo.

SantaGotStuckUpTheGreensleeve · 14/12/2006 21:57

Adoption is a specific legal process. Stepchildren aren't adoptive children - unless the stepparent legally adopts them, that is.

Caroligula · 14/12/2006 22:20

"It is obviously a very good thing that their new mother loves them, but who wouldn't?"

That's a really interesting assumption dara, and a really basic one. "Who wouldn't?" Why this automatic assumption that one should love a child that isn't one's own? I'm really interested that you say this, because one of the most resonant mothering myths in our culture is that of the wicked step-mother, who in fact does not love the children of her husband's previous wife. I'm very suprised that anyone should appear to take it for granted that love for someone else's children is an automatic side effect of loving their father. If Western literature is anything to go by, it just obviously isn't. (This possibly isn't the right thread to continue this discussion on, sorry for the hijack, zazas, but dara has hit on something quite fascinating imo.)

mozhe · 14/12/2006 23:54

My mother never adopted my half sisters.I think she always remembered they had a mother,( albeit a dead one ), and they were quite old ,(relatively), when she came into their lives.She always treated them so kindly and fairly, the same as all her natural children but she was always very open and honest about them not being her own children.Once someone remarked on how the younger one looked like my mum,( she did too...), and mum said,' that's odd because we're atually step-mum and daughter, but yeah you're right we do look alike...two beauties !" It was always like that . no ghastly glossing over but the truth with a cheery comment thrown in...it was never awkward. She wasn't their mum, she was their step-mum but a kinder, more cheerful/loving one would have been difficult to find.

anniemac · 15/12/2006 11:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

ChristmasisComing · 15/12/2006 12:17

Personally i think this mother is being bl*dy selfish taking a holiday when she wants and sd the rest of the family!

My dh and i are together but as we share the responsibilities of taking / collecting the kids from school we ALWAYS discuss work trips away before either of us takes one and we each arrnage separate childcare for the times we would normally do it - neither of us can just suddenly take time off work unless it is an emergency eg illness.

To just say to the father 'they are your kids you have them' is appalling and IMO opinion he would be well within his rights to refuse (not that he wants to I fully understand) but she needs to understand that she cannot dictate contact to suit herself, it is a two way process. I bet if the opposite was to happen the 'mother' would be up in arms!!!!

And i, too, have used '' as i think she is hardly acting as a caring mother!!!

anniemac · 15/12/2006 12:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Judy1234 · 15/12/2006 17:48

American pie, I don't think if your partner is working his ex wife is expecting you to look after the children but she has a right to expect that your partner makes childcare arrangemetns like those of us single parents who work and have children 365 days a year do. Your partner should pay a childminder in those times, not foist his children on you if you don't want them.

Anyway irrelevant to me as he virtually never has them in my case.

wheresthevalium · 23/01/2007 19:46

OK, so from the other side of it, is it selfish for me, as a lone parent, to ask exDH to have DDs for a week so I can go on holiday, if I give him 6 months notice?

exDH would normally have them 2 days a week but not overnight

brandy7 · 23/01/2007 19:56

not selfish of you at all, especially not with half abloody years notice. you deserve a break, tell him that

PoppiesMum · 23/01/2007 19:59

Hi. Not unreasonable as far as I'm concerned. My dh would love to have the chance to have his dd stay for the week. Agree that you should give plenty of notice so he can sort out time of work (if needed) and plans to pick up from school etc, but any loving dad would be mad to turn down that opportunity.

Caligula · 23/01/2007 20:05

Of course it's not selfish of you, he should be pleased he's getting more time with his child.

Caligula · 23/01/2007 20:06

(Particularly as you haven't sprung it on him like in the OP)

wheresthevalium · 23/01/2007 20:23

OK, feel a bit better about it now [smile} I was feeling incredibly guilty about going away without them for a week anyway, but we are going to Eurodisney the week before, so I am sure they will be ok.

I have left them overnight with either their Dad or GP before, but never as long as a week, but I DO feel like I need a break

shirleyann · 08/02/2007 14:20

Hello, Please Help.
Looking for advice from step-mothers. I have 3 step sons (ages 14,12,9)and a 19 month old of our own. my stepsons live with us - visiting their mum 2 nights a week. Their dad was on his own with them for 5 years before meeting me. I have to admit, rather foolishly, that I find it difficult that they still don't view me as a mother figure of any kind even after 3 years and show no respect towards me. When they come in from school I now just let them do their own thing as it innevitably ends up in arguements otherwise. Apart from being told that nothing I do is as good as their mum (which unfortunately makes me feel rather insecure about the way I am mothering my only son), their dad has an unusually "very friendly" relationship with her. Phone calls are jokey and rather intimate and she always manipulates him into doing what suits her. You may think that there sounds some jealousy on my part - I suppose yes in many ways it is. I would love for our weeks/weekends to be planned in advance (to include what is suitable for us) and for the boys to realise that I do everything for them because I think of us as a family unit. I care for them all very much. Should I back off and try and be more of a friend or keep trying to make our house a happy home. Lost for what to try next.

lazymoo · 20/02/2007 00:38

Shirley Ann, Sorry can't help much as I am not in that situation my self, but I do think you should start this as a fresh post.
Press add new thread, (just above the top post) and then you should get some help.

RIELOVESBACARDI · 03/04/2007 15:08

GOD I FEEL FOR YOU..... AT LEAST MY HUSBAND AND HIS KIDS DON'T SEE THERE MUM.

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