Active discussions

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

Help needed over Birth Mother's demands!

123 replies

zazas · 07/12/2006 17:05

OK Mothering voices of reason, I need some advice!

BM of my DP's 2 children has decided to go on holiday to India in Jan for 16 days. She believes that it is DP's responsibility to have the children with us over this time. No problem in having them here per se (we currently have them one night a week and alternative weekends) but it would mean that DP would have to finish work at 2.50pm each day to pick them up from school and not start work until 9.30 each day after dropping them - about an hour round trip to their village where they live and go to school - 2 hours driving a day for him. While we own our own business, it involves long hours and often DP does not finish until 7pm to get the work done. Financially we can't afford for him to cut down his hours like this nor can we get the work done (already booked up for this period) if he reduces his hours like this.

He has suggested he will still have them the one night a week and then over both weekends she is away from Friday (2pm when they finish school) until Monday morning and that she gets her Mother to stay the other nights. By the way they are 6 and 7, mine are 5 and 8 and we are expecting a baby together in April.

BM is now playing the 'guilt' card and saying that they are his kids too and his responsibility etc etc. She finishes work each day at 3.30pm to pick them up so it is his turn. This obviously ignores the fact she finishes work early because he pays her maintenance / we buy all the kids clothes and shoes and pay for any extra activities and school lunches! Plus she gets child allowanace / working tax credit and child benefit because they are resident with her! `~ (maybe why she can afford the holiday )

Anyway I think she is being unreasonable, as does DP but feels under preassure as she plays the 'they are your kids' card. The impact on us all will be large if this happens and I guess what makes me angry is that it is over a holiday - she had 2 weeks on her own with BF in August in France so she is hardly desperate for one!

Any thoughts - advice so we can sort this out?!!!

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
Set a reminder
Twiglett · 12/12/2006 16:09

may I make a suggestion

I only got to half-way when I saw that you have a graphic design business

Can DH go and stay at children's house from Monday night to Friday morning and take a Mac with him ... assume mother will have internet access

that way if he can still work and look after the children and he can bring them back at the weekends

woudl that work?

Original poster
zazas · 12/12/2006 16:52

Twiglett - thanks - it was sort of what I suggested. In that he just stayed at their house during the week - he would still have to come into our studio though each day as we have others working for us and appointments already booked for this time. But it would only mean a once round trip for him each day and more importantly the kids won't be trapsed around. Yes he can work in the afternoons / evenings from her home on his laptop.

His resistence is that it would feel strange staying there (where he onced lived!) and he would be missing me and the fact I will 'need' him as I will be 32 weeks pregnant..... I am OK with it but worry that it will be difficult for his kids - they already get slightly confused when he visits and whether this would smudge 'boundaries'?

OP posts:
AmericanPie · 13/12/2006 17:18

zazas,

I would be really pissed if this happened to me so you are right to be annoyed. I would refuse to change my schedule to accomodate someone who was so selfish as to not check with me first that this was ok! Am also gobsmacked at the number of posters who are pretty much telling you to suck it up and get on with it . Im sure most of them are coming from the perspective of being the step-kid......

If you were married and picked the children up at 3.00pm from school while hubby worked no one in there right mind would suddenly say oh can't do that for the next 2 weeks and expect DH to just cut his hours because 'they're his kids' without first discussing it.

Get some perspective people!

Original poster
zazas · 13/12/2006 18:32

American Pie - thank you so much for seeing my point - have to admit many of the other responses kind of threw me somewhat and made me feel like I was being terribly selfish....

Bottom line is that the stepkids will never know how much 'juggling' this will take to work out (as they shouldn't) and of course they will stay wth us for the 16 days and be blissfully happy!

But like you we thought along if it was a husband / wife situation I should imagine very few men would have this much flexibility to drop everything everyday - well amongst my friends anyway.

Poor DP suggested that he stayed at the ex's during the week mostly to stop dragging the kids around each day in the car for up to 1 1/2 hours - especially as it is a crap road to travel on - very rural, snowy in winter and his DD gets car sick on every journey. But EX said no...

Anyway as I said thanks for seeing my perspective - phew honestly thought I was going mad(er) for even being slightly annoyed at her decision!

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 13/12/2006 18:33

Message withdrawn

ChristmasCaroligula · 13/12/2006 18:40

AP I think there has been some perspective on this thread. Most posts have agreed that it's a bit off, but has to be dealt with, and I did point out that she's probably done it this way because she suspected that otherwise, her holiday would be vetoed. Sometimes, fait accompli is the best negotiation technique if you're dealing with someone you feel will not otherwise meet you half way.

And also if you suspect that most of the posts saying it just has to be dealt with are from the perspective of having been a step-child (doesn't apply to me btw) - isn't that a good reason for taking some notice of them?

Original poster
zazas · 13/12/2006 18:40

hire someone to look after the kids???!!!!!

OP posts:
FluffyMummy123 · 13/12/2006 18:41

Message withdrawn

ChristmasCaroligula · 13/12/2006 18:42

Oh Cod you're so insoucient

DizzyBinterWonderland · 13/12/2006 18:42

americanpie- yes several of us respondants were and are step kids.

zazas- the kids will be well aware of what's going on.

FluffyMummy123 · 13/12/2006 18:43

Message withdrawn

Original poster
zazas · 13/12/2006 18:44

love to hire someone to look after all 4 between 6 and 8 most nights - dream on!

Actually we are looking into someone to help on a few nights - otherwise my DD thinks they should just go to her school for teh 2 weeks - wonder if that is possible?

OP posts:
DizzyBinterWonderland · 13/12/2006 18:45

there you are then- the kids do know what's going on.

FluffyMummy123 · 13/12/2006 18:46

Message withdrawn

Original poster
zazas · 13/12/2006 18:47

dizzybinter - honestly they have no idea - it has not been argued - only discussed and not when they have been here. Bless them - they are all excited about it but about Christmas more! We both want them with us - we just know that it will be tough on them and add stress in particular to DP finishing work early.

OP posts:
Original poster
zazas · 13/12/2006 18:48

Well yes they all know that there Mother is going away and their first reaction from my two "was good can they come to school with us!" as they know that they don't live that near by!

OP posts:
6beetrootsAmilking · 13/12/2006 18:51

cod has point - hire someone to pick the kids up.

ChristmasCaroligula · 13/12/2006 18:52

You might be able to get a childminder to do it temporarily. And you can negotiate the cost with the ex. Half and half, perhaps?

6beetrootsAmilking · 13/12/2006 18:53

or someone to stay with your kids whie you pick the kids up

FluffyMummy123 · 13/12/2006 18:56

Message withdrawn

ChristmasCaroligula · 13/12/2006 18:56

Oh and while I'm here I'd just like to address Lubella's point about pedantry. It's not pedantic to object to your status as a mother being belittled or undermined. The word "mother" in English has enormous emotional impact (which is why some people dislike it and prefer the term "women with children", to remove the emotional resonance from it). Fiddling about with language is a deliberate manipulation for specific purposes, and it's perfectly valid to examine instances of lingo-fiddling, for want of a better term.

DizzyBinterWonderland · 13/12/2006 18:57

she has her own kids to pick up

6beetrootsAmilking · 13/12/2006 18:57

think becaue she has two kids at home

FluffyMummy123 · 13/12/2006 18:57

Message withdrawn

FluffyMummy123 · 13/12/2006 18:57

Message withdrawn