Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

How do you cope with resentful Ex of DP and DM of step kids? Does it get easier?

529 replies

Bananasinpyjamas1 · 02/11/2015 15:36

I've noticed that this has come up a few times recently on the boards here - and I don't want to start a riot! I genuinely would like to hear anyone's experiences of DM to your step kids. This isn't to say all DMs are spiteful/resentful at all. However, it seems a bit taboo for a SM to admit to any problems - as if we as SM are somehow in the wrong in the first place just for being there.

My story - DPs Ex said that she liked me at first, I made a real effort to be respectful. Now she stirs up trouble even though I wasn't the OW and have now been with DP for several years. Ex -

  • ignores me totally - pointedly
  • tells her kids that I'm not their parent and they don't have to do anything I ask
  • sends the kids over to our house whenever she liked
  • undermines things I try to do with the kids
  • used to constantly phone the house when the kids were here to speak to DP about trivial things at inappropriate times
  • asked for increased maintenance after me and DP had a baby.

These aren't the worst things that I've heard on this board, and some things have got a lot better. She does love her kids. However, she just doesn't care if it works with me and DP in our household with the kids, and will happily make it more stressful. This has ultimately made it harder for her kids to accept me, and for them to feel happy with us without feeling disloyal to their mother.

DP likes to avoid confrontations too so has aquiesced in the past leaving our relationship vulnerable. She is horrible to DP if he doesn't do what she wants, but she does apologise to him afterwards as she wants to rely on him still, likes feeling that he is there for her. With me, she has never apologised and doesn't care, I'm not useful to her.

It just seems all a bit unnecessary, and totally out of my control. Do we just silently take it? Bite our lips and hope any stirring up with DSCs doesn't affect us?

OP posts:
WSM123 · 05/11/2015 22:34

surely not, that's pretty extreme. I would hope the court would laugh at such a request. My partner went along with it knowing full well his ex wouldn't stick to her side of it (stopping the nastiness) so it wouldn't last long, it still sucked and hurt he would be willing to ditch me every weekend while it did last

PrettyBrightFireflies · 05/11/2015 22:41

fast there was a stepmum (from the UK) posting on MN a few years ago who it happened to - Iirc the order named her, stating that she could not be present during contact.

its not uncommon for contact/child arrangement orders to accomodate an ex's request to exclude a stepparent by directing contact to take place in certain locations, or to specifically exclude contact taking place in the fathers home, though.

fastdaytears · 05/11/2015 22:45

Jesus that's awful. In my family law days I had a ton of people ask for it (not my clients...) but always told to do one in fairly entertaining ways in court. Obviously things have changed.

Even when I did contact centres everyone knew that the new partners would be there (not in the centre- we also did handovers so the kids came in for a few minutes then went out to McDonald's etc but the parents didn't have to see each other)

WSM123 · 05/11/2015 22:47

Wow, surely as a parent you would want your kids to experience as "normal" a home life with the other parent as possible. if NO contact in fathers home, where do the kids think he lives? My partners son asked where he lived and if he didn't have a home why not with him (and the ex) when he wasn't allowed at our place for a while. How confusing for the poor kids (more so in cases when the mother has a live in partner too ithink)

m1nniedriver · 05/11/2015 22:51

Any RP who would do that is the lowest of the low IMO. To subject your children's contact with their father to be out with his home, or to essentially make a woman homeless Is disgusting!! I don't get on with DPs ex but Jesus, I wouldn't do that to her or my worst enemy Hmm seems a bit odd to me, I can't see that ever happening in RL without a pack of lies being used as a reason

PrettyBrightFireflies · 05/11/2015 22:54

WSM, it depends what "normal" means to the DCs mum though.

My unscientific perception is that some mums never had a "dad" themselves, or had a "Saturday afternoon" dad, so don't know the value that an involved dad, and a stepfamily can bring to their DCs.
They expect their ex to follow the family model that they themselves experienced, and problems arise when he doesn't, because she genuinely believes that her own experience is the right one.

NotTheSpiceOfLife · 05/11/2015 22:55

Here's the thing j don't get.

The exes are banging on about the children.... Won't somebody think of the children....

Yet every single time I read one of those posts, they come across as completely self absorbed, selfish, and actually not giving a shiny shite!

WSM123 · 05/11/2015 22:55

and even then the lies would have to be proven in court surely. That's the first thin my partner was asked when he was accused of being violent and abusive "are their police records?"

NotTheSpiceOfLife · 05/11/2015 22:56
  • about the children. Obvs.
PrettyBrightFireflies · 05/11/2015 23:00

m1nnie Courts are child-led to a great degree, and if an older child knows their mum is unhappy about them going to dads house, and say as much to CAFCASS, then a court will order community contact, away from the home, in an attempt to ensure that the contact that does take place is not unduly stressful for the child. (I am posting from personal experience - happy to PM you more details if you are interested)

WSM123 · 05/11/2015 23:01

Good point Pretty, I know my partners ex didn't have a dad growing up, so might be influenced. But in saying that if it was me I would want my kids to have what I missed out on (Dad time) she often goes on about how she wanted for her kids what she didn't have, yet still prevents my partner seeing his kids, im confused maybe she is too (or just vindictive)

PrettyBrightFireflies · 05/11/2015 23:10

I'm sure she is confused - if you've never had an involved dad in your own life, it's not possible to know what it's like. You can imagine, and you can take the advice of others, but you'll never know for yourself.

And for some people, deviating from their own childhood patterns when raising their own DCs can feel like a criticism of their own parents, and an admission that their own childhood wasn't perfect.

cannotlogin · 05/11/2015 23:12

they believe in "staying single for the sake of the DCs

there are two sides though, aren't there. I have been single - in my children's eyes at least - for the last 7 years. My ex has gone through 5 live-in girlfriends in that time. It is damaging. Very damaging. They get attached, particularly attached to step mum's children, and then she disappears (usually after some kind of argument involving one of my children's behaviour - they have special needs, minor ones, but ones you need to understand to 'get' them. You don't 'get' them if you move in straight away and never consider the impact of those special needs on your own children, or even bother to understand how those needs might be appropriately managed). My moving in with someone, I believe, would blow their minds. They need stability and one of their parents has to give it to them. Imagine what would happen if both of us were moving new partners in right, left and centre?

I couldn't give a shiny shit what my ex gets up to but please don't take the piss out of me because I make decisions which I believe to be in my children's best interest.

m1nniedriver · 05/11/2015 23:22

pretty that is so sad for the kifs. Imagine basically having to choose between what oarent you upset the least. What a shame!!

PrettyBrightFireflies · 05/11/2015 23:24

login I'm not taking the piss out of you; at least, not from what you've posted.

I'm talking about mothers who attack (verbally and in some cases physically) their ex's new partner because they believe that neither parent should enter into a new relationship. They are the ones who scream at the stepmum when they see her because in their opinion, a stepmums mere presence in her DCs life is damaging.

Is that what you do?

m1nniedriver · 05/11/2015 23:25

It would never be an issue for me. DZps ex used to, years ago, suggest if I didn't do as I was told that is a direct quote from the good old days That she wouldn't allow the DC to see me Hmm bring it on I say but it was an empty threat. She is a cow to me but I don't think she would ever do that to her DC and she would loose the opportunity of a last minute babysitter. Some people are just vile, as ive said reading these posts she could be a it worse!!

PrettyBrightFireflies · 05/11/2015 23:27

m1nnie. Sadly, I don't need to imagine it, I've seen it firsthand. Sad

m1nniedriver · 05/11/2015 23:28

That's cruel!

m1nniedriver · 05/11/2015 23:30

Or knowing that you have to upset NRP just to keep RP happy Shock arseholes!!

AlongcameMolly · 06/11/2015 02:59

MorrisZap- that post is rank misogyny Molly
How is it exactly?

Minniedriver - I read that and actually feel sorry for you, it must be a fairly miserable existence being so angry and harbouring such hate
Bit of advice, look up the meaning of the word projection.

m1nniedriver · 06/11/2015 07:09

Not of advice, if you have a problem with everyone you meet, chances are .... I'll let you work the rest out, itl pass the lonely hours for you

m1nniedriver · 06/11/2015 07:19

I know what projection is. What I was doing is what others have, pointing out the obvious Hmm

AlongcameMolly · 06/11/2015 08:55

Yet again, your replies make little sense Minnie Confused

NotTheSpiceOfLife · 06/11/2015 09:00

Really Along? I understand her perfectly Confused

fastdaytears · 06/11/2015 09:04

Me too but I'm a genius so...