How do you cope with resentful Ex of DP and DM of step kids? Does it get easier?

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I've noticed that this has come up a few times recently on the boards here - and I don't want to start a riot! I genuinely would like to hear anyone's experiences of DM to your step kids. This isn't to say all DMs are spiteful/resentful at all. However, it seems a bit taboo for a SM to admit to any problems - as if we as SM are somehow in the wrong in the first place just for being there.

My story - DPs Ex said that she liked me at first, I made a real effort to be respectful. Now she stirs up trouble even though I wasn't the OW and have now been with DP for several years. Ex -

• ignores me totally - pointedly
• tells her kids that I'm not their parent and they don't have to do anything I ask
• sends the kids over to our house whenever she liked
• undermines things I try to do with the kids
• used to constantly phone the house when the kids were here to speak to DP about trivial things at inappropriate times
• asked for increased maintenance after me and DP had a baby.

These aren't the worst things that I've heard on this board, and some things have got a lot better. She does love her kids. However, she just doesn't care if it works with me and DP in our household with the kids, and will happily make it more stressful. This has ultimately made it harder for her kids to accept me, and for them to feel happy with us without feeling disloyal to their mother.

DP likes to avoid confrontations too so has aquiesced in the past leaving our relationship vulnerable. She is horrible to DP if he doesn't do what she wants, but she does apologise to him afterwards as she wants to rely on him still, likes feeling that he is there for her. With me, she has never apologised and doesn't care, I'm not useful to her.

It just seems all a bit unnecessary, and totally out of my control. Do we just silently take it? Bite our lips and hope any stirring up with DSCs doesn't affect us?

is the only answer. That thread waS cringeworthy, I'm glad it was deleted morons!!

morons!!

Oh m1nnie amongst the bunfights that occur on this board, your posts do make me chuckle!

Cheers!

you call people morons, yet expect respect.

In fairness, she's been called a fair few names herself on this thread!

I though my use of morons was quite restrained

neverenough, your post at 20:08,
one minute your supposed to parent the child and the next your not the parent so butt out
I'll try and explain this from my point of view.
When two parents split and dad finds another gf, you sometimes find that the gf tries to involve herself too much in important decision making regarding her dps children, such as issues relating to child maintenance and visitation times etc.

Personally, I think that decisions such as these should be made solely between the children's mum and dad, and yes, I think dads gf should step back and not try to 'parent' children who already have both mum and dad actively in their lives. Although, I believe children dont need another parental figure, (again when mum and dad are around) I would expect dads gf (or mums bf for that matter) to treat their partners dc properly.
By this I mean, they should accept that their partners children.should be made to feel welcome in the nrp's house, and not treated as an 'inconvenience', which they sometimes are.
Which takes me to the thread deleted yesterday, which I presume is the one where the Op didn't want her Dh's son to live in her household.

In this scenario, the boys mum was ill and unable to care properly for her son. Therefore, the boys dad was asked to look after his child, and rightly so.
I wouldn't expect the Op to 'parent' the little boy, but I WOULD expect her to welcome him into her household and take care of him and treat him properly, because he is her husbands child.
Afterall, she married this man knowing that he had a child, and so as people rightly pointed out, she shouldn't be now trying to.exclude this boy from his own dads home, and the home of his half sisters.

molly. Where is the boundary between supporting a DP to parent, and actual parenting?

What about, for instance "sole care" while the parent is at work? Discipline? Medical/dental appointments? Clubs and classes? Personal care (nit treatments etc)?

I've seen all of these conflictingly described as parenting, and also as just being supportive and welcoming to the DC.

It seems to me that the ex is the one who gets to decide where the boundaries are, and what does and doesn't constitute parenting, irrespective of the views of the stepmum or the other parent.

There's not a definitive answer to that pretty. It's going to be different for different people. You have to suss out what is going to be acceptable in your own situation.

What's acceptable to the exW in your own situation, you mean?
And what if that conflicts with your DPs view?

Is it really acceptable for an exW to be hostile and in some cases aggressive, just because her ex and his DP aren't complying with her boundaries regarding the parenting of her DCs?

Well, in the scenario.I described, the 'parenting' such as hospital/dental/doc appointments should be down to the real parent.to sort out. However, if the OP expects her husband to work all the hours god sends, so as obviously to give her a better standard of living, then she should take her Dh's child to whatever appointments necessary, especially as the childs mum is unable to look after him.

No, I mean both of them. It's never acceptable to be aggressive and being hostile doesn't help anything, it just inflames. I think standing up for yourself or asserting yourself or your view can be perceived as hostile but it isn't always the case.

The OP yesterday had a problem with becoming the main carer for her SS as DP mainly worked away/12hr shifts or something like that. I don't remember her saying she didn't want him in her home.

She didn't expect him to work all hours godsends. It's his career choice, and if it involves working abroad then it sounds like it's a good career, and one he enjoys. Something he should now think about compromising on.
She can't "make" him work if he doesn't want to. He clearly wants to.

But the Op made it quite clear that she didn't want this child in her home! She also gave one of the reasons why she didn't want him there, because of her personal history with her brother.

You obviously never read it properly!.
If the Op expects her H to bring in the money ( which he is obviously doing) and doesn't want him to cut his hours or change his job so that HER standard of living doesnt go down, then she should look after his child ( as a child minder would) whilst he's at work!

She can't have it both ways

No, he can't have it both ways.
He can't work abroad/ down south when his child who isn't his partner's comes to live with them full time. Why does the responsibility always on to the to the SM to "do the right thing" in these types of situations?

Oh molly the fabreeze didn't work then

She should care for her SD, much as a babysitter would I can't even find the words to respond to that hilarious!!

Babysitters/childminders get paid!!

God I'm going to be rolling in it if a SM is like a childminder! woohoo!

But she is getting paid, her DH is working to pay for her lifestyle All SMs are paid help mascara didn't you know that

Mascarandconverse
I never said he SHOULD continue to work all these hours, go back and read SLOWLY what I wrote.
I said that the parent should be the one who does the docs/dental appointments etc, but IF the Op wants him to continue working all these hours (so as to keep her in the lifestyle shes no doubt accustomed to) then she should be the one to mind this child.
Do you get it now? Ffs this is hard Work

Minnie, as for you, shouldn't you be off listening to Justin Bieber or something? or sticking pins into a voodoo doll of the exw?

. It's never acceptable to be aggressive and being hostile doesn't help anything, it just inflames. I think standing up for yourself or asserting yourself or your view can be perceived as hostile but it isn't always the case.

It's clear from this thread that some exW are hostile towards a stepmum who chooses to interact with the DCs in a way that the ex doesn't agree with.
And, some people on this thread have excused, justified and defended it.

It just reinforces the impossibilities that step parents face.

Not at all, I put away the voodoo doll away seeing as she has checked herself and chilled out lately, I'm sure I'll have use for it after the SC Christmas presents have been bought I might make one of you though

I pressume you agree with NRP not being able to drop everything to pick up DC as and when RP wants then? I mean they have to work to pay maintenence keep exw in the style she is accustomed to

I'm sure I'll have use for it after the SC Christmas presents have been bought

Because they aren't the presents she wanted you to buy I presume? Then it will be Easter eggs.

No because she wants DP me to buy all their fucking presents I have done the last few years, she doesn't believe we won't this year. We aren't, but she is being oh so nice and chatty and compromising at the moment strange isn't it? Maybe I'm just cynical, she is a mother so she couldn't possibly be manipulative and calculating

And it's extremely clear Prettybrightfireflies that some sp's are hostile and abusive about the ex wives (Minnie is a prime example!)

I read recently that your dh's children have nothing to do with you, so you can come down off your high horse with your preaching! Didn't someone accuse you of talking absolute bollocks on the other thread?, seems like it's a force of habit.

Minnie and Mascarandconverse, you two imo can't seem to register what people are trying to say, that reminds me, who did I lend my dumb and dumber dvd to I wonder? and to try and hide this obvious fact, you become antagonistic.