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Step-parenting

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Original poster

I feel nothing for them

319 replies

SarahM333 · 28/10/2015 10:55

Hi everyone

I'm 10 weeks pregnant with my first child. My OH has a son from a previous relationship, and sees him every second weekend. His ex (and therefore his child) live 5 hours from us, therefore he has to keep a rented house up there, so that he has somewhere to take his son to stay when he's there. He gets him for longer in the holidays etc.
When he takes his son, he also takes another of his ex's children (she has 5, she youngest is his and he takes the second youngest as well. All the rest of her children are late teens early twenties, meaning that when he has the kids she is "free").
My problem is that I feel nothing for his child, and even less for the one who isn't biologically his. Our baby is due in May, and we will move in together after Christmas. If I'm honest, I don't want his other child and the one that isn't his in the house. I think I'll also start to resent the money that he spends to keep a house up there, which only gets used about 4 nights a month but can't see another option.
Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can become more accepting?

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 30/10/2015 18:08

If the step parent and step child love each other you can't suddenly break it because legally they can just walk out.
The mistake of this man and OP is to get pregnant before they have sorted out the problems.
A bigger mistake to move in together if either are unhappy with arrangements.

MascaraAndConverse · 30/10/2015 18:22

We've got more chance of finding rocking horse shit than we have of those two expanding their minds, in my opinion

Grin hahaha

PrettyBrightFireflies · 30/10/2015 20:38

disco your abusive language and personal attacks aren't demonstrating that you have an open mind, either.

I have found this thread very interesting and thought provoking - despite your insults and jibes.

But, as you've become personal in your disagreements, rather than debating the issues raised, I'm bowing out.

DiscoDiva70 · 30/10/2015 21:11

What did you expect pretty?

Your posts have displayed such cruelty towards an innocent child, and you've shown a total disregard for the childs feelings by expecting Op's partner to basically ditch him now that he's got a 'biological' child on the way.

I'm not the only one who has gone against your views, and thats because you simply come across as spiteful, as does Mascara

I imagine you're 'bowing out' now because you've realised most decent people disagree with you, and also because you can't convince us you have a valid and reasonable argument, and that's because you don't.
I wonder what mascara will do now without her sidekick, I suppose she'll skulk away too!

PrettyBrightFireflies · 30/10/2015 21:37

What did you expect pretty?

Oh, I don't know - maybe, open debate? Respect for alternative POV? The discussion to remain focused on the issues rather than descend into personal attack?

Hell, no, this is MN. I didn't expect anything other than what I got really - lively discussion and debate hijacked by one poster with swearing and personal attacks.

It is always thus.

MascaraAndConverse · 30/10/2015 21:49

Disco I really couldn't care less what you or anyone else think about my opinion. There are 2 children in this situation who I believe are the bigger priority and they always should be. If you can't cope with that opinion and you think it's "cruel" then that's your problem, it ain't gonna change no matter how much you stomp your feet.

DiscoDiva70 · 30/10/2015 22:14

Oh I don't know - maybe open debate?
Respect for alternative POV?

The thing is, we're are not talking about politics for example, we're talking about a man who wants to play a part in his stepchilds life and that's all!

What is there to debate? It's not up to the likes of you and Mascara to play judge and jury as to what he should do about his stepchild now he's expecting a new baby!

Mascara,
In all honesty, because you obviously resent his stepchild (just like pretty) I wonder if you Infact really have an issue with yourself being a step mother? Do you resent your own step son?

I'm being serious.

MascaraAndConverse · 30/10/2015 22:23

How can I resent someone who I don't even know? Confused That's just bizarre. I'm just giving my opinion as an outsider.
Sure being a stepmother has its ups and downs as many people will agree, but I don't have an issue with being a stepmother. And no way do I resent my own stepson. Again you are making assumptions.

DiscoDiva70 · 30/10/2015 22:31

Ok I'll rephrase it, what I'm trying to say is that I think you resent what this man's stepchild REPRESENTS.

And I say that because I actually think you probably DO resent being a step mum to another woman's child!

Btw, we can all make our own assumptions, just as you have about the situation with OPS partner!

PrettyBrightFireflies · 30/10/2015 22:52

what is there to debate?

My parenting values, my beliefs and my understanding are not black and white and fixed in stone. There isn't, IMO, one right way to parent and I am always interested in the way in which other people do things and, more importantly, why they do.

I have always discussed and debated issues like this with friends, my (now) ex, my DH and now my DD - she and I talked about this thread earlier today.

Debate is not reserved for politics. This thread shows that what one person believes is clear cut, another believes is complex - what ones thinks is acceptable another feels is abject cruelty. It has revealed that the law has not kept up with the MN majority view, and has exposed differences in the way in which a stepparent is expected to support their DSC, depending on whether or not the stepparent is resident with the DCs.

All of those differences spark debate, discussion, and conversation which lead to more thought, consideration and clarification of my own values and POV.

I admire people who are so certain of their beliefs that they see no value in discussion or reconsideration. I am never confident that I have enough information to be certain and so Continually seek and engage in debate in order to expand my knowledge.

PrettyBrightFireflies · 30/10/2015 22:55

Oh, and for the record, I don't have stepDCs to resent, so that assumption is way off the mark, I'm afraid!

My DD does have a stepmum though; if it's at all relevant to your theories?

MascaraAndConverse · 30/10/2015 23:01

Again you are wrong Disco. It's weird because it's like you want me to say I am those things. Why would I resent being a stepmother to another woman's child? The child is also my husband's child. You know, the man I chose to spend my life with. Believe me, I wouldn't have married him if I didn't want to be a stepmother or if I resented his son.

123MothergotafleA · 30/10/2015 23:02

It's not possible to love other people's children, I believe. That doesn't preclude caring for them, or liking them even. Love is for ones very own offspring only.

lunar1 · 30/10/2015 23:07

Congratulations on the oddest post on here 123, and that takes some doing. I wonder if you will take your wisdom over to the adoption boardConfused.

DiscoDiva70 · 30/10/2015 23:26

Again you are wrong Disco

Well of course you're going to say that aren't you Mascara? And yes, obviously I don't know you personally thank fuck, and yes you could indeed be the " perfect stepmother'
Although, in my opinion, if you found having a stepchild in your life rewarding, then I'd imagine that you'd be all for Op's partner having a contuing relationship with his stepchild.
But all you've done is make it obvious that his child should be 'dispensed.of' now, and therefore I think this says alot about your own step parent/child relationship.

Devora · 30/10/2015 23:47

Do you include adopted children in that, 123?

123MothergotafleA · 30/10/2015 23:52

Yes.

Oswin · 31/10/2015 00:05

Fucks sake are you for real 123. Do you know how offensive and hurtful you are being?

Devora · 31/10/2015 00:09

Are you an adoptive parent? Are you a bio parent?

I am both. Interested in my perspective? Or can nothing I say alter your conviction?

123MothergotafleA · 31/10/2015 00:16

I'm a bio parent.

Devora · 31/10/2015 00:20

No relevant experience, then? Just your hunch?

You don't think that perhaps you could keep that hunch to yourself, given the potential to wound and offend? Or maybe even ASK those of us who do actually know what we're talking about?

You see, I can laugh at you because I know that you're talking from a position of ignorance. But lots of people hold your view, and believe me they make adopted children aware of it. It's absolutely inexcusable. And stupid. It's like me saying, "Nobody really loves blonde children" because I don't have one.

Devora · 31/10/2015 00:23

But do feel free to step over to the adoption board, and tell us that though we think we love our children, you know better.

What a truly bizarre thread this is.

stitchglitched · 31/10/2015 00:25

My stepmum raised me from a toddler and loves me very much thanks 123.

Devora · 31/10/2015 00:28

123 seems to have decided to retire with her cherished opinions intact. So I'm going to do the same. Night, all Smile

123MothergotafleA · 31/10/2015 00:38

So sorry to have touched a nerve here ladies!
Being referred to as" ignorant" and " stupid" for expressing an opinion seems a bit excessive, and not a little defensive maybe.

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