I feel nothing for them

[SarahM333]

Hi everyone

I'm 10 weeks pregnant with my first child. My OH has a son from a previous relationship, and sees him every second weekend. His ex (and therefore his child) live 5 hours from us, therefore he has to keep a rented house up there, so that he has somewhere to take his son to stay when he's there. He gets him for longer in the holidays etc.
When he takes his son, he also takes another of his ex's children (she has 5, she youngest is his and he takes the second youngest as well. All the rest of her children are late teens early twenties, meaning that when he has the kids she is "free").
My problem is that I feel nothing for his child, and even less for the one who isn't biologically his. Our baby is due in May, and we will move in together after Christmas. If I'm honest, I don't want his other child and the one that isn't his in the house. I think I'll also start to resent the money that he spends to keep a house up there, which only gets used about 4 nights a month but can't see another option.
Does anyone have any ideas as to how I can become more accepting?

I agree with Mehitabel6

Although, obviously some posters on here think it's acceptable to disregard this fact.

He may well love them. I love my Niece. But the simple fact is that unless he has adopted that child, then that child is not equal in importance to his biological children and he should put them first. Yes, even biological child born after meeting the former stepchild.
I love my Niece, but I don't put her before my children because she isn't my daughter and her parents are responsible for her.

Sorry I should rephrase my last sentence. I love my Niece, but I don't put her before my children nor is she equal to them to me because she isn't my daughter and her parents are responsible for her. Kind of like the Op's DP's former stepchild.

But the OP's DP's took a parental role in the raising of his stepchild - something you haven't had to do in the raising of your niece, Mascara - so he has been 'daddy' to this child, and the OP now wants him to tell the child he isn't 'daddy' any more, and therefore the child isn't as important to him as he used to be - that's the difference.

You have never had to be 'mummy' to your niece - if you had had that sort of parental role, and your new partner wanted you to abandon your niece, be less to her than you used to be - would you be that cruel to a child?

If I had that sort of parental role then I would do the obvious thing and adopt her so that I would have parental rights and responsibilities. That's what my friend's auntie did. If he's so bothered about his former stepchild then he'd do the same. He's either a dad to him or he's not.

Oh, and my brother has 4 children. 2 are biologically his, the other 2 aren't. He adopted the other 2 because their dad isn't around. If he now wanted to turn his back on them then he'd be a shit because all 4 of his children are equal to him and to us.

But the child will perceive the relationship on an emotional level - it will feel exactly the same to them as it would if they had been adopted by the OP's DP. He will have done all the parental stuff - caring, discipline, mopping up cuts and scrapes, reading to them, playing with them, feeding them etc, etc - all the things that a parent does - and actions speak louder than words.

The child is going to feel, 'this is my daddy' - and the lack of a formal adoption isn't going to make this feeling any less. And if the OP's DP does what she wants, and sidelines this child - this child is going to feel just as abandoned and hurt as they would if there was a formal adoption in place - and in my mind, he would not be any less of a shit than if he'd abandoned a formally adopted child.

How would YOU suggest he could explain to his former stepchild that they don't matter any more, that he's not going to be as caring to them as he was before he met the OP and started a family with her, Mascara?

Can you find the words that would make this child feel that what the OP wants her DP to do is OK? Can you find any way to explain this to a child, that won't leave them feeling hurt and abandoned?

Because, unless you can, unless you can do this in such a way as to not damage the child, doing it would be wrong.

wolefgenius, well said
Although I've already tried to ask mascara how his step child should be told they're basically no longer of importance, she couldn't answer it.

You did, Disco - and I should have made it clear I was just echoing your question, in the probably vain hope of an answer! Apologies for my plagiarism!

A stepchild isn't the same as an adopted or a biological child. You can't pretend they are. Even a Foster child you have more responsibility towards for the time they temporarily live with you.

As for what you would say to the child, you tell them that stepfamilies are a bit different normal families, and that when me and your mum/dad split up I couldn't take you with me with your brother/sister because your home is with your mum/dad and your brother/sister now has to stay in 2 homes.
Not the over dramatic way like you suggested.

Nobody has answered my question about what if the child's parents are both in the child's life anyway?

Does the stepparent in that case have to make contact arrangements to see the child/ provide a room for them in their house wherever they end up living/ continue to provide financially for them (rp/nrp's household will be down to one income now remember so lifestyle in that household will go down)/ if the stepparent looked after the child while the rp/nrp worked, should they still do so?
Remember I'm asking these questions about a scenario when both parents are involved in the child's life.

I can't find any posts that make the suggestion that the OPs DP "abandons" his former DSC, as is being so dramatically quoted..

But, does time and money increase exponentially for parents with each DC they have?
How else can the OPs DP father another DC, and ensure that he provides that additional DC with the same time and money that he currently splits between two DCs?

As I see it, he has to make some tough choices - which are a consequence of the OPs pregnancy. He has to decide how he splits his time and money between three DCs. If he chooses to continue to support his former stepDC, then there will be "less" for the other two DCs.
I know that I'd resent my DDs dad if he chose to support a DSC at DDs expense, and I know I'm not alone in that - the strength of feeling on MN about CM adjustments for resident children is legendary.

Sorry wolefgenius I wasn't being funny, I just presumed you'd be waiting for ever to.get an answer to this question
But now she's replied

So that's the way you would explain yourself to a stepchild mascara? .... Unbelievable aren't you.

Ok, in answer to your question "What if both parents are in the childs life anyway?"

So what if they are?, Op's partner may well be a better father figure for this child for all you know! Besides, you have made it clear in your previous posts that regardless of whether the stepchild's 'real' father isn't around anymore, the Op's partner should still not treat him as their own child.

I've just rtft and can't believe some of the opinions.

I can only assume that Mascara means that by LAW the step-child is not the responsibility of the OP's dh.

Because surely she can't be saying that anyone has the right to tell him that he shouldn't feel any emotions or moral responsibility for a child to whom he has been in a parental position.

I don't see why legal responsibility should have anything whatsoever to do with it. We all have people we care about and do things for. Some of them are blood relatives, some are relatives by marriage, some are not related to us at all. Dropping them because of a change in circumstances (particularly if they are a child) is a despicable thing to do.

If the dh and the step-child had no real bond (on the child's part and the dh's part) - for example if they hadn't got on, or the dh had only been with the ex for a short time and had no parental role - and the dh has just been persuaded to let the step-child tag along because the ex wanted some free time, then that would be different. But we have no reason to believe this is the case.

Pretty I know, you see it all the time on MN that when a man moves in with his partner and she has children, there is absolute uproar about him spending less money and time on his own children in favour of a stepchild. And now the stepchild in this scenario is "equal". How hypocritical.

I don't understand how you put yourself in this situation in the first place OP.

You must have known these children were apart of his life before hand? Any situation that he has regarding them was never going to change, if he's making the effort with his children that is how it is and probably how it will stay along with the financial commitment to both children. If you accepted the relationship you should have accepted the whole situation.

I have to admit if I moved in with my partner I knew he felt this way and he will not have my children in “his” house even though it would be our family home. I would instantly be regretting the situation, I would have to look at my relationship and my children would come first.

You have already decided in your head that you do not want these children in your house why? Is this a metaphor and you mean actually you don't want them apart of your relationship? I understand you have yet to meet these children so you haven't had the time to bond or had the chance to but on the flip side they haven't done anything to you to warrant this either?

I think you need to sit down and come to the realisation that nothing may change in regards to him seeing his children, the time away from you, the financial commitment and this is how it is. IF this is it can you live happy forever? if the answer is no then I cannot see how this is going to have a happy ending.

I feel sick at some of the comments about Bio and Non Bio children and them being equals. If he has brought this child up as his own then he is the child's dad regardless of Biology, the children are loved and will most definitely love him in return. It's clear from the majority of the posts on MN where dads just have no contact and remove themselves from the situation completely, that anyone can be a father but it takes someone special to be a dad. They are all equals the two from the previous sound as if they have always been treated as equals that's how they have been treated while the parents were together and he's continued to after. Adding a new baby means just means he will be split 3 ways instead of 2. If everything stays how it is then the the new baby is not being thrown into a situation its been born into therefore will not know any different . You cannot drop a child and it wont make much difference in the long run he will still have to make the journey regardless. It takes two people to make a baby so the situation is on the both of them.

Mascara - when you speak of responsibility towards the child, I assume you are speaking of legal responsibility. I am looking at moral responsibility, and I believe that, if you build a relationship with a child, you gave a moral responsibility to do all you can to maintain that, if your relationship with the child's parent breaks down.

Re: your question about when both parents are still in the child's life - I don't think that is relevant to a step-parent's responsibility towards a stepchild. If the child has both parents in their life, that doesn't mean they can't build up a strong bond with a step-parent as well - and if they have built up a strong bond with a step-parent, and that person then decides to have nothing more to do with them, or to relegate them to a lower place in their life, it is still going to hurt that child!

To me, ehat matters are the feelings of the child - and a child who has built up a good relationship with a step parent will be hurt if they feel they have been rejected or sidelined.

Who would want to have a relationship with a person who could hurt a child?

puzzled, the baby won't be related to the child.

I can't find any posts that make the suggestion that the OPs DP "abandons" his former DSC, as is being so dramatically quoted..

Well...

"If I'm honest, I don't want his other child and the one that isn't his in the house."

is kinda what I'd call abandoning them!

To be fair to the OP she does seem to have accepted that she needs to get to know these children and come to terms with them as they are important to her DH.

There is no indication that money is so short that OP's child will be "deprived" as a result of his proxy-child. Only comment is that she resents to cost of him keeping a house for 4 days a month but that would be the same for 1 child or 2.

And you can hardly call 4 days a month a drain on his time!

So mascara
If your brother split from his partner and didn't want to continue to see his 'non biological' kids anymore, then you admit "he'd be a shit", because he has a piece of paper to legally confirm that he has decided to parent these children.

However, If your brother split from his partner and STILL wanted to continue seeing his 'non biological' children because he'd formed a fatherly bond with them ( and the children also loved him as their father figure) then you would expect him to cut these children out of his life, or put them lower on his list of priorities just because he hasn't got that 'official piece of paper'. That's basically what you're saying!

How pathetic.

you would expect him to cut these children out of his life, or put them lower on his list of priorities just because he hasn't got that 'official piece of paper'.

Actually, the law puts them lower on his list of priorities because he doesn't have a bit of paper.

Financial and legal responsibility for DCs is apportioned based on biology (or parental responsibility order). While it may be an admirable quality for an adult to choose to take responsibility for DCs outside those arrangements, that is disregarded when that adult is held to account for DCs that he is biologically related to.

Would the OPsDP be paying for a rental house if he only had contact with one DC? Would there be a more equitable care arrangement in place for his biological DC if the former stepDC was not a consideration? Would the OP already have met and got to know her DPs DC, had there been just the biological child to consider?

None of those questions would be relevant if the OP wasn't expecting a baby. But, now she is, all those questions apply because they directly impact on the other biological DC that the OPs DP will be responsible for.

The OPs DC will have a legal "right" to support from his or her parents. With the distances involved, it is ludicrous to assume that there will never be a time when the OPs DP will be faced with conflicting needs of his DCs. What if, for instance, his non-resident bioDC is unwell and unable to attend a contact weekend? Does the OPs DP still travel for contact with the non-bioDC go ahead, or does he remain at home and spend that unexpected time with the OPs DC?

Which child should he prioritise? The former stepDC, or his bioDC with the OP?

There is no indication again that all the children and adults financial needs can't be met. What the legal requirements are isn't relevant.

The proxy-child isn't snatching bread and milk out of the mouth of the not yet arrived child and OP has never implied this is the case.

Decisions about who to prioritise I'm sure will happen as and when this (slightly contrived) situation happens and generally I'm sure that you would prioristise them in the same way that if you had 3 biological children by three different mothers in three different parts of the country.

Blended families are tricky but trying to shoehorn a solution in advance for every conceivable situation smacks rather of you being able to triumphantly hold up a situation where "aha - see bio child is suffering as a result of dastardly non-bio child!"

If you have a child with someone who has existing children then you have to accept that some of their time will be spent away from your child with their other children (whether they are all bio or not is irrelevant for the purposes of competing for scarce resources). It's a bit like having a partner in the army and then complaining they don't come home every night.

Pretty Wtf is your problem with this step child?

Your constantly spouting the 'law', and the financial and legal responsibility but what about whats 'morally' right?

Think I'll be using my bang head here sign again
My last post was directed at Mascara, let her answer for herself

whether they are all bio or not is irrelevant for the purposes of competing for scarce resources

So why does it matter so much to so many resident parents that CM adjustments are made for non-biological DCs living with the DCs dad?

After all, all those DCs are doing is competing for the same scarce resources.

Wtf is your problem with this step child?

Nothing - like the OP, I've never met the DC in question.

This isn't personal, disco, I've not got a vendetta against this particular child.

I'm putting forward my PoV that a parent, any parent, should prioritise their own DCs before those of a SC who has two parents who are responsible for them.